I feel nothing
Not even fear
And that can't be good
Because I know I should be afraid

I can feel it
Coming in like a storm
Creeping up and spreading like roots breaking through the earth
I can tell
That it's going to be bad this time
And it's not about stopping it
It's about slowing it down
Gaining enough ground and holding my own
This feeling hits close to home
Like pictures that pinpoint memories that break you
Memories that confine your state of mind
I keep quiet
Who wants to be the girl who can't shake off a few hits
Can't move past the mist that's covered her mental state
Some things never change
Like the way a blade feels
Cold but familiar
The scars never quite fade completely
Heartbreak never really gets easy
It's definitely coming
And it's not about finding the best ways to cope
It's about making it out alive
19 years strong
I hope I can add a few more on

I wish I could ask her if she ever made the soccer team
I used to watch her play for hours until she fell to the ground
Exhausted
With a smile that could steal your innocence
I wish I could ask her if she learned that difficult piece on the violin
The one that she struggled with for weeks
I would call her on the phone when I couldn't sleep and ask her to play
I wish I could kiss her again
Because the one we used to say goodbye became so brief that it got swept away before I could make it a memory
I didn't know it would be our last
I wish I could hear her laugh
At my jokes about dinosaurs and God
Or when she would steal my hats
I wish I could show her my poetry
She liked to analyze every word and correct my spelling
I wish I didn't have to feel this pain without anyone to feel it with me
I wish it was me instead of her
I wish I could take her place
She used to tell me that I was her heartbeat
I wish I could hear her say that one last time

She came into this world guns blazing
With high spirits and a jagged future
She could only see what was right in front of her
Parts and places blended together like paint on a canvas
The lines on her arms told her story
She didn't trust easily
And yet she gave her heart away like an unwanted child
Her parents never really noticed until the yelling stopped
The noise was loud in her head
Large groups made her quiet
You could see everything written on her face
In the words she hesitated to say
She couldn't escape her nightmares because she was awake every time
A perfect opportunity
Drunk thoughts
A busy road
Colorado
2a.m.
Sadness can be the bullet in the gun
She came into this world not knowing
She came in with high hopes turned into low expectations
She came into a life that already had the loaded gun waiting for her
Already had the busy Denver road
Already had the blade
She walked to three different stores looking
Looking for a knife
She walked down a road with car after car
Waiting to step into it
You only become stronger after falling down and getting back up
And sometimes she decided to test her balance

I should tell you I'm disaster
Sweet painful disaster
Fading in and out of this world like sound
I should tell you I'm broken
With sharp edges and tiny pieces
You can't put my back together with glue and some patience
I should tell you
Before someone else does
That I fall into love like it's a bed and I haven't slept for weeks
I will fall so deep into your life that you will need a rescue team and a country full of prayers to get me out
Because someone once told me to jump and I didn't even look to make sure I would land right
I jumped and hit the ground and felt my heart shatter because the impact was too much
You can't fake this kind of pain
The kind of pain that leaves every muscle clenched and yet you are numb
I should tell you that I have a past
And I look for someone with a past
I should tell you that I like to fix things
Like broken doors and windows and people
But soon you realize that your tool box and duct tape can't save every piece of beautiful craftsmanship
Every breathtakingly gruesome artifact
I should tell you I lost someone
Someone who took part of me with her
And maybe if I knew where they put her
I could retrieve that missing component
I should tell you that I should be dead
But for some reason the gun didn't go off like it was supposed to
You should tell me I'm lucky
I should tell you I'm not so sure

Little blessing
You are already so loved
This world will be hard
You will fall and cry
But your mom and dad will pick you up
And your crazy family will keep you laughing
As you grow
This world will grow with you
And love will fill you
Little blessing
You are in for one fun ride
Hold on tight
Little blessing
We can't wait to see who you become

You are my downfall
But I'm okay with that
I would live on my knees forever