Death has always seemed so present in my life
My first love said that death is not something you should be afraid of
What you should be afraid of is someone else taking the place of your soul
Someone else loving the one you gave everything to
She told me that she would never connect with someone the way she connected with me
Because soulmates are not easily found or won
Death seemed to love her more than I did
Death fought for her before I even gave up
Death was her true soulmate
I think about death the way I think about love
It is natural
Unexpected
Love has a way of shielding you from all the pain that life brings
And gives you a soft place to land
She told me that death called out to her when she spent every night crying
The only thing that stopped death was love
She told me that I stopped death
I only stopped it for as long as I could hold it off
Until love wasn't enough to pay it off
She needed something more
Because I was never her true soulmate

Minds are dark places
When all you can do is lay in bed nothing is safe anymore
There is no fear or insecurity that is off limits
I can't escape
Even in my dreams they follow me
Death just seems so easy
And I know it's selfish believe me
I am trying not to act how I feel
Everything is becoming real
Depression creeps up from the ground and encloses my body
Covering every crack and gapping hole because it knows I'm already empty
Because the only thing that fuels fear is more fear
And everyday I take a heaping dose of doubt and play my usual role
The need to bleed is very prevalent
But I don't even want to try anymore
Because the more I say I'm fine the more I don't care
And why should I?

We met over the flat lands of dream chasing
Where our common passion and will brought us 13,000 feet into the stars
Fire pits and lunch bells had never brought people closer to a reachable goal
She was the definition of beauty
With quiet hints of fire and eloquence
She could move mountains
And that's what she did
You could see it in her eyes
True desire for completion
She grew as tall as the trees we were surrounded by
And they could not contain her
She was as free and bold as the mountain peaks we lived on
As calm and gentle as the breeze that embraced us each morning
And as mysterious as the secrets she never told
The rocky paths we took jolted our heartbeats and shook our cores
But brought us to our destinies
She wanted nothing more than to be a small ripple in that lake
A small dose of change in a world that needed something more
She became my rock
That supported me on my way to self discovery
She never chipped
She never cracked under the heat or pressure
She watched as I burned everything that made me who I was
She became the wind that blew me into the right direction
And the trails that lead me home safely
That mountain captivated us only for a short moment
But she is still captivating me to this day
And nothing was more breathtaking then the views from Mingus Mountain
Until I left the mountain and really looked at her

I want to celebrate my life
I want long hugs and painful laughs
Late night drives and midnight mass
I want my family to be fixed and my friends close to me
Because drinking and cutting are not the things I want for me
I want to live again
I want my dreams to be free and unhinged
I want my mind clear with vast horizons so I know things will be okay again
I want people to be proud of me
I want trust and appreciation
Because I won't go anywhere unless you are there
Why is this so hard again
Being surrounded by good people doesn't always mean that you will be good too
I want to prove to you that I can do this because proving it to myself doesn't give me satisfaction
I want real life again
Not the numbness from alcohol that only kept my spirits up for brief moments until reality came knocking me to the ground
I want pain that is worth fighting through
I want to know that I will come out on top so I know to keep pushing
I want Jackie Harrington
In all her forms and states of mind
With all her flaws and ideas of life and how to cope
I want her with all the emotions and turmoil that comes with her ongoing struggles
Everything that makes her human
I want to accept all of it
Because dealing with issues and coping with them are two different things
And I want to cope with myself rather than accept my fate
Because someone special once told me that I was the strongest person she knew
And for the first time I don't want to prove her wrong

My heart seems to be out of rhythm lately
I need to slow down my breaths so I don't get overwhelmed easily
Keep taking punches until you break me
Things are foggy and I don't get it
Maybe because I'm drunk almost 24/7
But I can't help it
If I fall flat on my face does it mean that I'm now broken
I don't want to live like this anymore
I'll get help when I'm home
But here I feel so alone
I don't want others to judge me
But I understand if they don't trust me
Because when I look in the mirror I don't know what I see
And I'm so ashamed
I don't recognize my own face
Your disappointment lingers in my brain
But when I sip from that bottle it all goes away
Until I see you
I sit and talk with you because I need your help
Please I am sinking rapidly
My demons are after me
I'm destructive towards myself
I'm not actually worth it
Too much is happening and I can't reverse it
I'm retreating back to old feelings
It's hard to find meaning
Maybe I'll be fine
Maybe it's do or die
So I'll make the decision to not hurt myself
And somehow find a way to change the cards I dealt for myself

I need help
There I said it
My first step has been taken
My friends tell me the same thing over and over again
So I guess this time I decided to listen
Cutting can't be my solution
It can't be my antidote
But how can I give up the one thing that coats this pain
I have all my struggles engraved
Every weak moment shown on a canvas that was once flawless
I ran from the word depression only to land in the arms of something I could have prevented
I feed off of stubbornness and pride
"I'm fine"
"You don't have to worry"
When in reality my blood is running down my sleeve
I didn't think it would get this far
A few here a few there
Until my sophomore year
When sleep was not reachable unless pain appeared
1 year without it and it's still my biggest fear
I don't want to
I come to you because you listen
And when I hand you that knife you don't question
You said I need help and I know that
The new scars on my body show that

I thought I had everything in place
Little did I know the universe was playing it's own game
I'm slipping
My steady pace up the hill has quickly turned into a deadly climb up a mountain
The only thing that makes sense is how much pressure I can apply to my skin
But I can't
The more people that leave now the better
I'm no longer light as a feather
The stresses of my home life are flooding back
10 months wasn't enough when it comes to that
I need to find something that matters because if I rely on myself I won't get very far
I now need more tattoos to cover my scars
I'm terrified right now
The pain from my past mixes with my anxiety for the future
Each one is a bomb and it's lose, lose
I tell people not to worry because they can't see past my facade
It's odd
Maybe if I just worried more...
I can't go there
Stay away from the dark thoughts about Kai
I'm feeling pretty numb
People talk and I stare
So they don't notice I'm there
I don't really want to be here
Or there
Really anywhere
I'm finding out that I love unconditionally
I thought that was supposed to be a good thing
The more you love the more you leave
The more you leave the more you bleed
Pain never really made sense to me
My ways of coping are destructive
I don't like hurting other people but have no problem hurting myself
My actions determine my value
I don't know anything else
The more I tell people the more they want to know
How can I tell the ones I love that my heart is growing cold
Take me back
Take me back to the days where innocence was praised
Take me back to when I wasn't ashamed
I don't know what to do
My depression is creeping back
I'm falling through the cracks
One day it won't matter
One day people will remember that I mattered