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Jackie Jul 2015
I can never think of how to start these things
Because starting something means risk
My best friend told me I would fall in love within my 10 months of service
And I'm glad I fell in love with you
Now I know you will read this
So please read carefully
Thank you
I know it has taken me a long time to reach a point of peace
So I am finally able to look back at our relationship
You gave me confidence I never had
You held me up when I was falling
You brought back love that I thought was buried 6 feet deep
I know we talked about forever and that didn't happen
But I would do those 2 months all over again
I know you are in a difficult spot right now
I understand
But know that none of this takes away how amazing you are
Love is one of those things that's unexpected
Thank you for being my favorite surprise
I know I can't take back what was said in the past
But know that I will make up for it in the present and future
I still believe things happen for a reason
I'm not a perfect person
Nothing can ever be perfect in life
But looking back
I still believe that those 2 months were pretty close
I don't want you to think I'm writing this to try and get you back
I'm writing this because we are friends again
And I was always hesitant about that
Until now
Happiness is something we both deserve
Journey's can take a lifetime
But perfect moments are short
Jackie Jun 2015
Time is irrelevant
You've been gone for one year now and that seems almost impossible
How can one year be out of the way when our love is still in my brain
It's almost insane
I thought love lived forever
But forever seems to be nonexistent
How could I let you die when you wouldn't let me die
You jump I jump remember?
You said love could overcome anything
I guess that didn't include demons
My feelings are overwhelming
Come back to me
Since you've left I've only had half of me
I feel my heart slowly being ripped away from my chest
I did my best
But my best wasn't good enough
You deserved better
They always deserve better
I wonder if your parents have come to terms
I bet it still burns
Knowing they turned away when they found out you were gay
You turned to me and I ran away
Dark thoughts can be scary
Especially when the one you love has darker ones
I could have been your light
But I chose to fade away
All you needed was a single glimpse of hope
But it became depleted
You probably felt defeated
And I just left you bleeding
I hate myself
This was not supposed to happen
We should have gotten better together
Kai I love you more than anything
This is my tribute to you
To the girl with long brown hair and green eyes
Tan skin and small thighs
The girl who wanted to grow into a woman
The one who played soccer and the violin
The one who liked pizza more than me and the WWE
The girl with a big smile and bigger heart
The one who loved me from the start
Who craved acceptance
Who got crushed by people's hatred
If only they knew like I did
They would have seen how special you were
They wouldn't have treated you like that
This is for the girl who loved me when I couldn't love myself
This isn't how it's supposed to be
In loving memory
Jackie Jun 2015
She has a mind older than her time
She walks with the confidence of a warrior
And talks like she's been through it once or twice
You never quite understand why she hides behind her sunglasses
And then she takes them off
I was afraid to talk to her
Her facade put me off and I held back
Then we were stuck together
She doesn't fully understand emotion
But understands pain all too well
I let her in because it's lonely and I enjoy her company
She hesitates to let me in because she knows how cramped a dark mind can be
Her face is flawless
Even her scars aren't really marks
They represent fights and battles and nothing is more beautiful than a survivor
I think I like her
When everything was falling around me
She held up the walls
Love intertwines through her fingers but she never has full grasp
If you didn't know her
You would think that her universe was made of giant organisms that all seem to unfold over one another
But in reality her life is made of small moments that seem to be endless and almost heartbreaking
She knows how to shut me up and get me going all at the same time
Her smart mouth both irritates and intrigues me
Our back and forth banter is always appreciated after a long day
And when I put that blade to my arm her voice appears slapping me in the subconscious
Her words hold the regret away from my skin
She doesn't even know that she saved my life
Her constant spew of encouragement keeps my knees from buckling and my legs from hitting the ground
I can tell her everything
Even the things that scare me and don't make sense but she listens
She takes them all in as if they were her own burdens
She takes them on even when she is caring her own
I know she doesn't feel the same way but she feels like home
She feels like stability
She feels like the warm hug and embrace from everything you've been searching for
Her love works like a fire
Keep it going and it will never fail you
Let it die and it will never be the same
Let me come in with oxygen and a steady beat
Her presence makes me feel complete
Jackie Jun 2015
The only thing that's consistent is change
I've played this game too many times
I've realized that no one ever knows what's deep inside
So please tell me why happiness is so hard to find
I've let love slip away one too many times
I feel drained
I want a replay
Those two years run through my head frame by frame
I'm trying to move forward
But being stuck in the past is one of things I'm best at
I'm running on a stationary wheel
I feel like I'm going nowhere
You were always there
I don't know if I could have done more
Your death haunts me to my core
I picture you hanging above the floor
I dream of me standing at the door
I can't save you
My thoughts are stressing me out
Crawling back into my head is doubt
Look at me now
You always believed in me
You always saw something that I could never see
You said I love you daily
Kai I'm trying for you
I know you wouldn't want me stuck in one place when you always knew I could finish this race
But I'm tired
I need you to talk me through
When the water was rising you always knew what to do
I took you for granted
And if I hadn't who knows where you would be
I'm doing it again
I'm blaming me
I really just want to accept it
You are dead
This whole year has been based around that
I found love again
And even though it didn't work out
I now know it's possible again
You always knew someone would take my heart after you
I thought it was too good to be true
I'm having anxiety
Your anniversary is coming
And how can I relive that horrible day
10:30pm phone call from your mother
"Kai is dead"
"I found her hanging above her bed"
"What did you do to her?"
"You broke her heart"
I didn't mean to
"She's dead because of you"
I did all I could do
The phone calls and texts flowed in like a steady stream
Everyone blaming me
I shut down
All I could think about was you being put into the ground
But I can't change it
All I can do is live through each day
Hope that the blame goes away
I'll always love you
The only thing that's consistent is change
I will never walk away
Kai
I should have stayed
Jackie May 2015
Dear Kai
I remember the goodbye letter you wrote me the first time you were placed in the hospital
Here is my response
I'm sorry that I could not see how amazing you were
It's hard to see the beautiful things when you are constantly covered by darkness
I know you were fully committed to me but constant doesn't seem to be in my vocabulary
And consistency gives me anxiety
The fact that you couldn't see your true potential bothers me
Anyone who can love me must be pretty special
I want you to know that I haven't forgiven myself
The fact that I left you dangling doesn't make me sound all that great
And when I needed you you were there within minutes
For some reason I couldn't do the same for you
I don't really know if I can let this go
1 year without you and I have nothing to show
And if I had only known
I would have stayed
I would have stayed
You just needed someone to stay
Someone who cared
Your parents blamed me but they were never really there
They blamed me so they wouldn't feel guilt
They tore down everything you built
They took you away from me and my love
I wanted a program from your funeral
They said I was out of luck
I just wanted to say goodbye one last time
The last thing I said should have been I love you
Instead I told you not to talk to me
I always think that will solve everything
Why do I hurt the ones who care about me
Kai you deserved better
Even though you thought I was perfect
I always knew I wasn't worth it
And I can't explain how sorry I am
If I had tears left I would be crying right now
I just wish you were here so we could talk
I should have stayed instead of walked
Jackie May 2015
I've been thinking about you a lot
I wonder if we would be together if you were here
Life is taking unexpected turns and I wish you were here to direct me
I'm so ******* sorry
Kai I hope you didn't leave hating me
What I did to you just happened to me
I can finally understand why you left
Karma really is a *****
I know I deserved it because I wasn't really worth it
I should have stuck by you
Instead I denied you and ran away
To this day I still think about you
I can't seem to let go
I can't forgive myself
I still wait for you to return
I pray that God gives me a second chance
Kai you were my first love
The only one who was true to me
Why couldn't I save you
Maybe I'll come to you
Wait there
Please
I will be there soon
Jackie May 2015
I've done so much for the wrong people
Fell in love with evil
Gave my heart to the ones who only wanted something to feed on
Now I'm coming back strong
I feel good
And I see you looking sad
Because I'm not moping around like I was when you packed up and left
You want me to be miserable
But you are out of luck
I'm no longer stuck
I actually don't give a ****
Do you think having *** with random people will make you happy
You don't want to be alone but you also don't want commitment
And it's a shame people will fall for you only to get ******* by you
Here's the truth
I think you are ****
The lowest of the low
I used to place you between the moon and sun
Because in my world you were the one who glowed
I should have seen it coming
But love is blinding
Now I'm seeing clearly
You are not the one I thought I was finding
I thought I hit the jackpot
But I was actually stuck in a bad spot
Now I'm free
Someone else can deal with your needs
I'll probably never see that $200
But you can have it
But my heart I'll go ahead and grab it
You were never really worthy
Never that deserving
And even though you put me through hell
I still want you to be happy
Isn't that crazy
So I'll wait for the right one to come along
I'll never rely on a girl to make me strong
Loving you was a mistake
But mistakes are great
You come back with a clean slate
Thank you for leaving me
Now I can find someone who believes in me
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