I hope you are happy
I hope talking to him brings you the happiness I couldn't give you
You have given me my reason to move on from you
I've realized that I gave you everything
I'm trying to get it all back now
My love seems to go beyond human nature which ends in me getting ****** over
You ****** me over
I have a hard time telling you how I actually feel because offending you is not something I want to do
But I can't deal
So here it goes
I feel destroyed
Cut down
Kicked in the face
Dragged around
I want to yell at you
Cuss
Spew hate
Tell you how much I can't stand you
But in reality
I ******* love you
The fact that I ******* love you makes my skin crawl
You really had it all but dropped the ball
Now I feel two feet tall
And I want to hate you
I really want to ******* hate you
Because maybe that would make moving on easier
You have no problem moving on
Isn't that ******* great
When did you stop loving me
I'll let you know when I stop loving you
This all came out of the blue
But apparently everyone knew
Surprise
The joke is on you Jackie
Now I understand why you ask for our plans every week
It's so you could see him
Why don't you just kick me in the face
I'm already on the ground
So why not take it all and leave me broken down
And the fact that I gave you my heart makes me feel stupid now
But let's be honest
Who really cares
I could end it all right here
When you told me
I literally wanted to curl into a ball in the middle of the road and hope that a car would take me
I stood there with my heart in my throat as you told me you were seeing someone else
You asked if I was okay
I'm great
I can feel so much pain
And not go insane
I threw everything away
Including your ring
I can't sit and stare at it anymore
**** all of this
You wanted to know how I felt
Well this is it

I miss you
But I know the feeling isn't mutual
So why do I keep holding onto our memories
I keep your ring next to my bed because maybe one day you will ask for it back
I know you won't actually ask for it back
But I'm holding onto your voice when you said you would never leave me
Words can be so deceiving
People tell me to move on when they don't even know that I play our entire relationship out in my head
Why wouldn't I want to remember when I was happy
Why did I think I could actually be happy
I found the cards you gave me for valentine's day
Why did you lie
You didn't want to be with me forever
I'm not the best thing that ever happened to you
You are doing just fine without me
And no one sees that I'm here crumbling
Self destructing
I know I play it off so well
But I'm trapped in a cell
My mind is on overdrive
I can't seem to feel anything else
If only you knew the hold you had on me
Two months felt like my whole life plus an eternity
You must not have known how happy you made me
It doesn't matter anymore
My heart is sore
I still love you more than I have loved anyone before
You have my hearts it's yours
I'm sorry I'm trying
But I can't help how I feel
I thought you were the one
I thought I found my one

I should give up now
The effects of my high are fading and now I'm starting to feel it
I honestly don't believe it
But I have no more questions
Love doesn't really exist
It's just all a lesson
But with you, it was real
I actually felt again
I wasn't worried about the past coming up again
I thought you were the one
I mean I actually had faith
All those other girls couldn't even find their place in my heart
But you had the whole thing
I gave it away when you got that ring
And I'm not trying to hurt you
Or make you out to be the bad guy
But I'm dead inside
Totally paralyzed by the effects of you leaving
I wouldn't even call it grieving
I just want you in my life
Because with you the hard times didn't seem so bad
You just make things easier
You know me better than the people I'm related to
You speak the truth
I know I shouldn't have listened to those people who don't really know the depths of me and you
The start of this poem is starting to not be true
I'm okay
You're okay
But I still love you
I guess that's how it'll be for awhile
And I know I will see you from time to time
But now we can actually speak to each other
I won't have to walk away or not stay
And I'm okay with that
I don't know if my feelings will ever change
But soon it won't even matter
We'll go back to our normal lives on different planets
That scares me
I don't want to let you go
I don't want to say goodbye
Now I'm just rambling while watching planes fly by
I know things will never be the same
But if you ever need me
Don't hesitate to call
I would never let you fall

I don't understand anymore
Life has thrown one too many punches
And this one was the knockout
I'm left sprawled out on the floor
I was closed off
But with you my heart was an open door
You fooled me
You hit me right in my blind spot
Love struck now has me broken up
I don't want this fight anymore
See with you everything was different
Even my parents got to witness my happiness
That doesn't happen
Why would I allow myself to feel again
I thought this was what you wanted
You left me brokenhearted
Now I'm scrambling to go back to where I started
I'm lost
I don't who I am
Take me back to Arizona where it all began
Because that's when you wanted me as much as I wanted you
Sitting by the pool talking about how I would never lose you
Having you lay next to me while the team was fast asleep
Working in the mountains where our dreams were at our feet
Tell me you don't want that
Tell me you forgot about our talks about tiny homes and road trips
Small dogs and two kids
Now I know what I have to do
Which is say goodbye to you
I love you
I ******* love you
But it's lose lose
Don't forget me
I won't forget you

Now I've hit rock bottom
I've cut
I've drank
I let everything slip away
Life doesn't seem worth it
The universe has reveresed it
I went from being on top of the world
To falling so hard that it made everything around me shake
Why can't I be happy?
Why did I rely on her to make me happy?
Why did everything seem perfect when deep down I know that's not how it works
If you could see me right now you wouldn't know where to look
I'm lost
I literally have no direction
If you handed me a map with step by step directions I would probably eat it
I actually can't eat anything
Why should I care when she's no longer there
I ****** up
And she doesn't want to deal with it
But when it came to her crazy mood swings I took the brunt of it
I walked up a mountain for her
Not a metaphorical mountain
I actually mean a ******* mountain
Everyday so I could try and make her pain go away
Now mines here to stay
She thinks I'm changing
But in reality I'm trying to grasp some form of sanity
Because I gave her a ring along with my heart and she knew exactly what to do
I don't even like this game anymore
I forfeit
I lose
And I just want my joy again
I lost it when I cried because another girl stole my light again
And I know I'm not perfect but I thought I was worth it
I'm angry
And all I did was try to understand
That life is complicated and we don't always have solid plans
But why would you let me fall for you
I just scrapped myself off the floor
And you watched me do that
I can't keep putting myself back together
I've finally learned that
Rock bottom will be my wake up call
I don't need your support at all
I gave you all I had
But it's not what you wanted
Someday someone will want it

Right now my world has stopped
Everything that kept me standing has somehow dropped
I gave my heart and now it's lost
I'm trying to understand
If you can't be with me at least pretend
I've lost control
Had my foot on the gas but fell asleep at the wheel
I've crashed
I'm not sure I can be saved
When you walked into my life I found my saving grace
Now I'm stuck surrounded by a dark haze
I won't be okay
In the beginning I was scared
And you reassured me
But now look who's running
I wish I could hate you
But when I close my eyes or look at the sky all I think about is how much I want to be next to you
Please figure out what you need
Please let that be me
I can't believe I'm still breathing
This life without you has no meaning
I'm not trying to make you feel bad
But let's face it I'm sad
I punched a wall so I don't cut
But who gives a ****, so what?
Please come back to me
I only have half of me
Like I said you have my heart
But you went and ripped it apart

I remember when I set boundaries
Because that seemed more logical than free falling
I remember when you asked to kiss me
Because my fear created roadblocks that stopped you before you got too close
I remember holding your hand under the table at the restaurant
Because if people saw they would ask questions
Our life choices somehow brought us together
My love for you will live forever

I remember texting you to meet in the bathroom at the fair grounds
Because we were separated
I remember falling asleep on you in the van
Because long days equaled short nights
And I hated watching you walk away
I remember writing poems about being scared to love
Only resulting in me telling you I loved you while tears streamed down your face
I went from being scared to take one step forward to completely running full force into your life
I don't regret anything
I will make you my wife

I remember falling
I remember all of the little things pointing me to you
If only life had brought us together sooner
We both wouldn't have had to endure so much pain
I would have spent my days watching over you
Because life is a game
And you are my finish line
The only thing left is to take your name and start the rest of my life being so naturally happy