These past few weeks
I have been ashamed to be white
The audacity of what's happening is sickening
Why are we still having these problems?
We turned away from slavery to show that we were all equal
Just to prove that we are far from it
We try to exclaim that America is the greatest country in the world
As we cover our problems behind media hype and breaking news full of lies and delusions
The fact that we can't swallow our pride shows that we have much work to do
Michael Brown and Trayvon Martin proving that we don't value a single life but our own
Even though each soul is valuable
Why do we have to use violence to try and show that we are against violence
Why do we talk about gun control but have our police officers pulling triggers on innocent victims
Why do we talk about "We the People" when it's really just the people with the right paychecks and complexion that have the voice and the power
Each hour more and more are being silenced just so we can look the part
We conform to fit this mold that we have imposed on ourselves
Forcing our morals and values to take a back seat on our power trip
I'm tired of turning on the TV to see news reports on tragedies
Killings and shootings
Kidnappings and hate crimes
People come to this country for the American dream
But this place is more like a nightmare
The rich living the dream
While everyone else fights for their own taste of the good life
When we have the resources to give everyone the good life
Love is becoming harder to find because we want power
We **** for power
Fight for power
Eat, sleep, and breathe power
Not knowing that the price of power
Is worth more than any life
When will we see that beneath our clothes and skin tones
We are all the same
When will we see what we are doing to our brothers and sisters
When will we bring peace that overturns the hold we have on our image
The hold it has on power
I pray for equality
I pray for the day we can walk the streets and not worry
I don't see why equality is so hard come by

I love you
Enough to let you be at peace
My heartache is worth it
Knowing you are resting

I don't know if you see me
Or if you would even want to
I don't know if you could forgive me
But I have to let you go
I let my guilt take over the fact that I wasn't there for you
Which made me believe I was the reason you made such a drastic decision
Even though you never believed it
I do love you whole heartedly
My feelings just could never be expressed the way you wanted them to be
And I wasn't the perfect girlfriend but I seemed to be perfect for you
If that doesn't show your character then I don't know what will
Everything happened so quickly and it kills me that I have this great life without you
Don't think of this as my goodbye because I know I will see you soon
But right now my life is on pause because I lost you
So if I ever loved you
I have to let you go
Even though by doing that I let go of my heart and soul

And once again
I find myself holding onto your last words
As if it's a rope
If I let go
I plummet to the ground
My heart and soul would splatter all over the windows
I looked through them as if I was I looking at you
I pray that God took you in and gave you a home
The home that you searched for
The home that we talked about
The home that would welcome and accept you
The home that you would one day let me into
I tell myself that if I just close my eyes every night
One night will come when I do not open them
Which is why I still choose to go to sleep
Two months has passed and it doesn't even feel like a week
How am I supposed to live the rest of my life
I walk around this house wishing you were here to make it a home
These stairs creak as if they are missing pieces of their being
I creak inside because I'm missing pieces of my being
The pieces that had your name on them
The pieces that I wrapped up and specially gave to you
The pieces that held me together
The pieces that are no longer there
Ah man what am I even doing?
What am I even saying?
My heart and my brain are on opposite sides of the spectrum
My heart holds onto you like my last living breath
My brain pushes you away like you were never really mine
But you're dead
And I can't say that out loud
It pierces my ears and makes my bones shake
I want to say it out loud
If I do then it all becomes real
If I do then I know I will finally believe it
I just can't say it
That would mean giving up on you

I think right now I've finally settled
But I better knock on wood because if I don't it will all probably crumble
I was supposed to have said goodbye to you but your memory floats around in my brain like a plastic bag that just caught the wind
I really thought I figured it out too
Like how is it that one person can change your whole outlook on life but would change her whole outlook just to please you
I still think it's my fault but I will never be able to get her side of the story
I want to close that chapter but I'm still waiting for the ending
I hope she can see me now because I'm finally living the life we talked about
I told her I wanted to change the world and she told me to go for it
I just wish I could have changed her world
If I wasn't so caught up with the ex I had we would probably still be together
That's only if she would still be alive today
Which is hoping for a lot
But I am content with things now which seems strange
My mind is usually all over the place that I can never actually calm down long enough to look around
And right now I'm blissfully at peace
But the date that shuts down my heart is coming up
I don't know whether to smile or rip my hair out on that day
Smile because I knew you and got a chance to love you
Rip my hair out because I lost you and let you slip away
I hate myself everyday and if you knew that you would be angry
You hated when I drowned myself in self pity
But what am I supposed to do
The thought of you not being here makes me weak in the knees and please just don't fade away in my brain
I deleted everything out of pure rage
I don't want to forget
Please don't go away
My heart is not stable
My brain is not able to take such a blow
And I know that eventually someone will come along and make me feel whole again
But for right now you still hold that spot
It's yours
I'm happy now
So happy
I just wish you could be here and be happy with me
We were in the same boat
Feeling the same emotions
Why is it that you did something about it and I didn't?

Do you know what's weird
Silence
Like why do I have to keep my voice down when the world is sleeping
Just to be woken by
Cars
Trains
Planes
People
Heartbreak
Whatever
Like why should I hold my tongue just so others can speak their mind
If they wanted to speak their mind they would talk over me
Yell at me
Something
Instead I have to keep quiet
Quiet my mind
Quiet my passion
Just so I can sit in silence and wait for you to think of something meaningful to say
Let me help you
Today I said goodbye to my ex girlfriend
You might be thinking why when she is already my ex
She died June 22nd
And I still have conversations with her while I'm making food in the kitchen
Like she's going to walk in and tell me how her day was
And now I will have to deal with silence
I preformed my own funeral for her because I could not attend her real one
I wrote her name on a rock
I talked to a **** rock
I told the rock I loved it and that I was sorry and all I heard was silence
Really?
That's all I get rock?
After everything we've been through?
Well alright
I threw the rock in the river and watched it sink to the bottom
After the deafening splash came silence
I now hate silence
I stood on a bridge and waited for something to happen
I walked off in silence
I thought my words would resurrect her
I thought my apology would bring a more relieving feeling
So do not tell me silence can be a good thing
Silence leads to over thinking
So if you plan to talk over me, make sure you have something decent to say
A story to tell
Mine ends up being about a rock
A rock as a metaphor for my relationship
And nothing more
Goodbye rock
Now I can be happy with silence

If I stand here long enough to listen to you complete a full sentence how many brain cells will I lose?
As you sit in that chair that seems to wobble under the weight of your ignorance
You say things like "We should never have a female president" and "Women should not be in control of their own bodies"
But then pull out bible passages about love and respect
I sit across from you bitting my tongue because I would rather insult you in my head then make a scene
You ramble on about how women belong in the kitchen and I can't sit still anymore
I feel like my anger could take this whole room down by just releasing my breath
I feel like my rage could stop time long enough for me to punch you in the face
I ask you if you respect the women in your life
You turn and look at me like I'm some ****** off the street who has no right to state a claim
I ask you again if you respect the women in your life
You say
"Of course I do"
I look at you and take calming breaths that seem to silence the world
I build my confidence up and say
"Then why would you want to hold them back?"