I am trying not to fall apart in front of everybody right now
The thought of standing on stable ground was before you came here and rocked the boat
Stole my coat with the pockets that held my love notes
You don't even know what you did to me
If I have to stand here and shack just so I can stay standing
Then don't look at me and think I have some type of problem
My only problem is that I can't fully express my ongoing problem
I see you looking at me
The only thing is your eyes go right through me
You don't even take the time to get a glimpse of my soul
You look then shift gears onto the next person so you don't figure someone out
You purposely miss puzzle pieces so you don't get the full picture
But all that does is leave someone unfinished
I feel unfinished
Like if a stranger were to look at me they could see the gaping holes that you left
Because apparently I wasn't good enough for you
Like my talents and qualities weren't what you were looking for
But you never even fully looked at me
You saw what you wanted to see
You saw what other people told you to see
I stand here fully aware that at any moment a gust of wind could come and take me
I can lie and say I'm totally put together
But who even listens to a broken record
You don't know me
And if you know me you know that having it together and keeping it together are two totally different things with me
If you try and lean on me just know that you may come tumbling down with me
Not on purpose
Sometimes I just can't handle the weight
If you give me the world I might just drag it because my shoulders are used to holding your tears and nothing else
Please if you want to hurt me get in line
By the time you reach me I won't put up a fight
I will graciously fall to my knees
Because continuously taking blows to the chin gets a little tiring
So let me sit here
By the time you get here
You will have already defeated me

I used to think stars were lost people trapped in the sky
Like somehow their thoughts led them so far off the beaten path that they winded up there
I spent nights thinking of ways I could reach them because things down here didn't seem as fun as being so close to God
I thought they were the lucky ones
The ones who didn't have to witness pain or hard times like I did on earth
The ones who seemed to know their place
The ones who never had to answer to anyone
They just shined because they wanted to
Being down here meant looking up at them with envy
Stars were not stars
They were people
With stories and pasts and wisdom that took them to high places
They were kings and queens and that's why some were bigger than others
If you looked close enough you could see the trail they left behind
As if they were leaving a path for others to follow
I used to think that when someone died they became stars
They were brought to the sky to watch over everyone
To shine a small light in total darkness
Making sure that we kept our heads up
I saw them move as if they were trying to reach us
I grew up to learn about the vast universe and noticed how I felt smaller and smaller after each science class
Stars became ***** of light and energy instead of people
And looking at lost people turned into looking at constellations that I hoped would show me the way home
The universe changed for me
It became this mystery that questioned my faith and seemed to leave me more confused
It answered questions on how the Earth was formed
But left me lost on the ones stuck in my own brain
They forced me to see the world in a different way
Taking pieces of my imagination and throwing it up there so my thoughts would get lost and I would lose track of time
My mind expanded like the milky way and stretched far beyond the visible sky
Don't let me the sky's the limit when there are footprints on the moon
Stars are still people to me
And one day I will become one too

I'm afraid to move on from you
I'm afraid that love has come and gone and now it will never come back
If I sit here and hold onto your words then it's like you never left me
1 stupid month feels like an eternity
And why is it that now that you are gone I am finally able to appreciate you
I'm stuck here holding our memories in my hands and I can't let go
I can't drop you
You who were so unbelievably everything that I ever wanted
You who were so unexpected which makes everything so precious
Why did you do this to me?
Why did you do this to your family?
Why would you take it all away without letting me know?
You promised me that if you were leaving you would say something
Don't act like I didn't spend my birthday talking you down off the edge
Don't act like I didn't beg you to stay here even though being here was hell for you
I'm sorry I couldn't love you
We talked about our future like we weren't young and dumb
Like we were grown or something
We talked about our future like we both still weren't stuck in the past
And I don't know if you thought this way too but
Even when we weren't together I could never let go of you
I don't know what that says about me
If somehow you see me writing this please know that my unhappiness was never because of you
If anything it was because of me
If somehow you see me writing this
This was everything I couldn't say
Everything that held me back from fully loving you
And maybe if I had just let go of my past
You would still be apart of my present and possibly my future
I'm typing this on my phone and after I typed future, the word wife popped up
Its funny because we talked about getting married
And it's sad because we talked about getting married
Maybe if I was able to say all of this sooner
These words could have stopped you
I wish I could have stopped you
Did anyone try to stop you?

Can we just start over?
Hi I'm Jackie I met you downtown on the corner of coincidence and destiny
If you would like to reach me you can come to the middle of the ocean
Where I threw my heartbeat and pulse for a fisherman to catch
Its useless to me now but maybe someone else can use it
If God decided to strike me down with lightening I would very much appreciate it
I need something to charge me up and make me feel alive again
So I'll stare at the sun and wait for the colors to fade into the atmosphere
Why can't you save anyone?
Why can't we all be someone's superhero?
Instead we find ways to be villains so we can trick people into loving us
When we can't even find a stable place for ourselves
Tell me how any of this is fair
Tell me why I'm here and she's not
I dream about falling off a mountain
The part that bothers me is that I never hit the ground
I fall into perpetual motion dazed and confused
I wake up only to realize that my whole life has been that dream
I'm always falling
So before you get close to me please know that none of this came easily
There are tiny pieces of my heart that I leave with everyone I meet
Unfortunately she took most of it
You seem like a nice girl but I am not so nice
I'm taking into consideration that my strength is based on my will
I'm walking down the path that will hopefully tell me who I am
Maybe she is who I am
But if I dwell on every bad thing my world will stop like hers did
We can't stop as soon as we start sinking
Who else is going to pull us out of the water
So I'll end this with a simple thought
I am not ready for you

Dear God,
Hi I know I promised to talk to you more but I can't seem to find the words
Please take care of everyone that I couldn't
Please take care of everyone up there and everyone down here that I can't protect
I thought I would have already seen you
I thought I would have already seen your golden gates
But I haven't always kept my promises
I used to see you everywhere and now I only seem to see you when I need something
Please don't take it personally I just don't know how to rely on myself yet
Please don't give up on me I have so much to learn
My head is empty and willing to absorb everything you have to teach me

Dear God,
I'm mad at you
Why didn't you answer my prayers?
Why didn't you answer when I called out to you?
I know you heard me
I know you knew I wanted to die
I know you have seen my scars
And yet you never answered
But I'm here right?
So if this is you working in mysterious ways
We both know I won't figure it out
Please just show yourself

Dear God,
Thank you
For bringing me Katy, Ashlie, and Desiree
I know there are many more to name but these three are your greatest work
They wouldn't let me see you right away
Watch over them always
And when I'm gone be their best friend
Without you I would not know them so I am eternally grateful
Miracles happen each day and they are living proof
So thank you

Dear God,
I love you

Can I just tell you I love you?
Here in this shallow world that holds fear of commitment
Where trust becomes weakened by fame and unmentionable regret
We stand face to face in our passion holding tightly to our desires
Can I just tell you I love you?
As if we have never been hurt before
As if it's our first love and we aren't even a bit prepared
Because being prepared for something indescribable seems strange to both of us
Can I just tell you I love you?
Without hesitation of not receiving the same kind of love back
It's fiery in my heart and extinguished in yours
Let me strike up a match and let our doubts burn
Can I just tell you I love you?
Or does that seem completely unreasonable
Because I don't know who this is for
Or why it even came to mind

I haven't told anyone that I still think about dying
Thoughts like that never make people comfortable
Even though death is natural
But when a teenager mentions death in the near future everyone wants to jump to the nearest conclusion
I'm not trying to say I'm suicidal
Believe me I have big plans ahead
I just think
More than I should
I think about how things would be if I just didn't be
If I just didn't be myself
If I just didn't be around
And if that makes me crazy
Then I have been crazy for quite some time
People never know
Never know true thoughts or someone's intentions
Until they expose themselves
Until they show the inner makings of their being
True feeling isn't always common
I just want people to know that they don't own me
And if I were to die today I could be confident in the fact that I expressed myself
I gave my life the effort of a solider and a peacekeeper
I pray that I see another day but if I don't that's okay
Colorado screams my name as if I'm destined to be there
Destined to find my way
Death is so easy
Life is what we have to be afraid of
And I have never been so scared in my life
Fear makes you stronger
So I'll continue the fight