I'm awake
I see everything clearly
You saw what was happening to me
And knew something needed to be done
I can't promise that I wont feel pain
But I will do my best to get through each day
I'm no longer afraid
You taught me that if I wasn't happy
Then I should change
You made it clear that it wouldn't be easy
But it was possible
Sometimes life knocks you down
And as soon as you are about to get back up
It kicks you
I'm sorry I stayed down for so long
During that time my heart just couldn't go on
But you always knew I was strong
People look at me and think I have everything together
But don't be fooled by my confidence
It's not always real
At first I thought I was changing for you
But now I know I'm changing for me
Because I let everything build and build
Until it caves in on me
Not anymore
3 months clean
And most people won't know what that means
But it means everything
I can't believe how far I've come
I can't believe how strong I can be

Sometimes I do too much
Say too much
Feel too much
And when I don't do enough
I feel lost
I saw how my habits effected me
Now I see how they effect others
My negativity being the leading cause of my world crashing in
But I won't let that win
I just can't
I'm rebuilding the demolished wreck that was my life
And the next time someone tries to knock it down
I will put up a fight
I can't keep living like this
I just cant
Thinking that this dude was the cause
When honestly I just gave up
Relied on others to get me through
When all I did was try and bring them down with me too
I'm sorry
I made my best friend question our friendship
Making her think it was a suicide hotline
1-800-SAVE-ME
I'm sorry
That I let my demons come between us
And thankfully you are the realest person in my life
Who took me
And shook me
Telling me to change or she would back away
I understand space
Just know that I love you
And I'm going to improve
After the musical you won't even recognize me
I'll still be as white as can be
With the same personality
But I will be there for you
Just like you've been there for me
I can't even remember what my smile looks like
But it will be returning tonight

You have entered my mind
I'm trying to give it time
But you've set up camp in my subconscious
Playing tricks and chopping me down
Bringing me to a state of vulnerability
So people will think you're winning somehow
Well you've got me
I'm losing control
I know you've been watching
But to you its not old
It's just beginning
Can you please let me sleep one night
Without sending me images that make me scream
If you hurt the ones I love
You will be the one who bleeds
I know you are underestimating me
Just like I underestimated you
You might of got past the cameras
But my eyes are set on you
Push me one more time
And I won't stay in line
The thoughts in my head would make even the toughest man cry

Fight or flight
Flight becomes my instinct
Especially when others want to fight
I take it in
And hold it there until my face turns purple
And my feelings become eternal
You have something against me
Your hatred runs deeper than any pool of water
And I'm drowning now
People are trying to pull me out
But my roots have set in
In this state of mind that somehow is disguised
I bet you feel pretty sneaky
Secret notes and posts
Thinking you are untouchable
Some all powerful being
Who ***** with my emotions and leaves me bleeding
What more do you want
You got the attention from the ones I love
If you reveal yourself
They will mess you up
I'll be leaving soon
And what you've said and done
Will no longer matter
I'll be gone
Come find me dude
Your ignorance is becoming my fire
You won't be anonymous for long

She is trying to forget
Forget where you put your hands
What you whispered in her ear
How you made her feel

She is trying to let go
Because she can't show how much it kills
You fight to hold on
You fight to let go
Even though why we fight is sometimes unknown
And you made her this way

Nothing feels right
Nothing seems right
But when she looks at you
She sees family
Not a monster that people make you out to be
But she can't forget

She lives
She breathes
She feels everything
And who she was
Isn't who she is now

Everything happens for a reason
She knows that now
Happiness can be taken as easily as it can be found

I don't know what to write
My wells dried up
The gas tank that was full of my never ending thoughts is on E
Empty
Maybe that's how I feel
Everything is falling into place
The marathon that was my life is no longer a race
I can take a breather
I'm closer to the finish line
I can see it in my own eyes
But when it comes to what I'm writing
I feel paralyzed
I'm forcing it
My words used to be real
But now I don't know how to deal with the fact that how I feel
Can't be explained
My brain is trying to come up with new ways to say things
My thought process is jumbled up like alphabet soup
I can form inspiration if I have an issue that I need to get through
What else should I do
I can give up on these words that used to drag me out of every dark hole
I can stop using my emotion as an antidote for my pain
But I don't need to see the weather to know that in a few years it will probably rain
Maybe that's a metaphor for my life
Everything is good right now
I couldn't be happier
But as my life goes on
Something will come along
And rain on my parade
You know what makes me sad
Knowing that in many short days
I'll be leaving my best friend
Now that's pain
So maybe I didn't force this poem
Maybe it happened naturally
I think I think too much which ends in a catastrophe
So giving up may be too big of a jump from where I'm standing
So instead I'll just show this to the person who convinced me to keep going
I know she'll love it

I'm getting my life on track
Most people would look back at my past
And wonder how I got here
It wasn't easy
No support from my family
I had to do the opposite of everything they taught me
Scared that I would be like them
Broke mirrors so I didn't see that I was like them
Looked at my reflection
Only to see a girl who refused to give up
I use to use my hands to block out the noise
Now I use them to write out what's left in my heart
And you will never understand what you did to me
Don't act like you had anything to do with making me
I may have forgiven you
But don't get things twisted
I forgave you so I could rest easy
Believe me
Everything you've done is not being forgotten
When I walk out of here
I'll thank you for pushing me away
I could stay
Like my sister
20 years old with no brain
Living off of my parents
As she barely gets paid
That's not for me
I promised my grandpa
That I would be somebody
He use to look at me
See my pain
And tell me that one day it would go away
I look at his pictures
With his smiling face
I know I'm making him proud
Don't try to tear me down
I might call you mom and dad
But I know who raised me
So don't be mad when I don't thank you for anything