I'm becoming weary
Not caring about anything
Life is getting dreary
I can't see the beautiful things
Time is slowing down
My mind is shutting down
The hardest part of my day is just getting up
I haven't been sleeping
I toss and turn
Like waves hitting the shore and then retreating
My heart is taking one hell of a beating
Can you tell that I'm trying to lose all feeling
I want to hide away
Wait for all the pain to go away
I walk through life in a haze
Smile when I have to
My only response is "I'm okay"
I feel close to snapping
Everything is happening so rapidly
A catastrophe
Why me
I refuse to make wishes
Because they don't come true
I look like a fool
But if I had to make a wish
It would be that happiness is right around the corner
Is it to much to ask that I get one night of sleep
I don't wish to dream
And if I scream
Will it draw attention
This sadness is an infection
Spreading quickly
To every inch of my being
And I could fall right now
But no one would be around
So I'll try not to make a sound
I'm not good with endings
Or anything
So do I keep writing
Letting go of pain in each word
I envy birds
For their ability to fly away
And if I return
I hope things aren't the same
But for now I've run out of things to say
I just want to sleep my pain away

I remember the first and only time I was in love
Freshman year and had no idea what love was
I saw her walking down the hall and I didn't even know her name
But I knew that I needed to know her name
Is it crazy to say that I remember what she was wearing
Or how her hair fell perfectly on her face
I remember the first time she said "hi" to me
I was lost
But her voice set me free
She later became my best friend
And I wanted so badly to tell her
Tell her that I wrote songs and love poems about her
Tell her that she was the only reason I got up in the morning
Tell her that she made me feel more alive then every single breath I had ever taken
Tell her that I'd give up the right to see the moon and the sun as long as it meant that I could see her smile
And yet she had this control over me
I would do anything to get her to notice me
She'd tell me what to do and I'd come through
Walked through every hallway in order to find her
Pushed away all my friends so I could spend time with her
And when she pushed me away
I had to find a way to make her stay
Or risk losing everything
And when she stopped talking to me
I lost everything
While she was to busy finding ways to feel alive
I was slowly sinking into a hole of absolute darkness
Thinking that the only way out was to have her in my life
The only way out was to see her smile
To hear that she loved me
I remember the first and only time I was in love
I remember the way she made me feel alive
And the way she made me want to die
I remember holding her in my arms
The sweet scent of her hair
I remember how quickly she left my arms
How quickly the smell of her hair faded
So much pain and time wasted
On a girl who only wanted to hurt me
Love
Is a crazy thing

I'm tired
Real tired
I want the lights to go out for awhile
Not dream
Just sleep
Until all the pain melts away
Or retreats back to those summer days

I'm tired
Real tired
I want to sleep until the world is good again
I can stick my feet in the sand a hundred times
The ocean never fails to wash away my sadness

I was never the type to want a normal life
But everything around me is a wind tunnel
And I hesitate because I'm afraid I will get ****** in
I close my eyes
Will this be my demise
Maybe if I open one eye I can take life in without suffering
Maybe if I keep one eye open that eye will only take in the beauty of the world
I was taught that with life comes good and bad and if you just hold out your hands
You can be ready to catch whatever is thrown at you
So I keep my good eye open and hope that I see what is coming my way

But knowing that I am tired makes it harder to keep that eye open
If I close it, it could be the end
I can keep fighting with one eye open
And miss out
Or slowly become unable to see the good
Slowly grow tired of being strong for so long

I'm tired
Real tired
I'm not sure if I'm a fighter

I never thought I'd make it to my senior year
I never thought that life would bring me here
And yes there were struggles and fears
But you always believed in me

You knew I was lost and alone
You knew I needed something I could call my own
And I was never promised greatness
But that never stopped you from letting me shine

You watched me succeed
You watched me fail
You knew I was in dire need
But you knew I would always prevail

You are my special friend
The one who taught me so much
I can't believe where I've been
I can't believe that you have changed my life this much

I always seem to go through stages of sadness
One situation leads to multiple crashes
Splashes of disasters
Walls closing in
No air
Too far to swim
I know they never last
But always come back
They take hold of my life
And tonight
I shut the world out
Forgive me for what I may blurt out
I can say I'm not happy
That my life is ******
I can take what I've learned
And grow from it, I am sure
I don't really know what else to say
My feelings are spinning today
Hit fast forward
Don't need a replay
I need to get away
To a place
That appreciates who I am
My friends all know me as the brave one
What's so brave about telling the world you're the gay one
My family doesn't understand me
I can never make them happy
We barley agree on what to eat for dinner
Let alone whether I have the right to marry
I feel very alone
Have lots of friends by my side
But sometimes I don't want to be alive
I'll throw my phone at the wall
Contemplate who I am
If you saw inside me maybe you'd understand
But until then
I'll express myself the best way I know how
And for now
I'll stare at my ceiling
Until I fall fast asleep and dream about a perfect place for you and me
My alarm will go off
I will be alive
No suicide
I'll just prioritize
Until I am finally happy

17 years...

Sometimes you feel alone
So alone that you can hear your own heartbeat in a crowded room
So alone that you can't even see your own shadow

Sometimes you want to die
Just so you don't have to feel anymore
Just so you don't have to think anymore
Because all of that just adds more pain

And all that pain does is **** whatever joy you had left
And you can't lose anymore joy

Sometimes...
You just don't feel like your worth it
And believe me when I tell you this
I feel worthless
Like if I just shut out the world
No one would call to see how my day has been

We live to die
We live...to die
So why does everything in between have to be so hard

Everyday I tell people I love them
Because the day just might come
When I stop talking
And when that day comes
The world will fully understand that sometimes a simple smile from a stranger can change everything
The world will finally understand that its not all about money
Because in the end those millions won't save you from what's hurting you

Trust me..
I've been to the lowest of the low
And I'm looking up
I don't understand why life is so rough

My mind is blocked
I look at the clock
And notice my time is running out
My head is full of doubt
I'm sorry mom
I've let you down
I promise I'm coming around
Its 12:02 in the morning
Always storming in my brain
Must catch a wave and ride it out
Maybe there is more then sky beyond those clouds
But all I see are people
Always moving
Always running about
No one stops anymore to look around
I must find a place where time and space corroborate
Am I visible now
Or do you need to get your eyes checked
This place is not for everyone
Only the heartless
Or maybe the ones who take the time to speak their mind
Instead of falling in line
Please excuse me I don't mean to be rude
But you are in my way
Keeping me at bay
And all this time I kept myself locked away
Nowadays everyone's fake
Until you figure out that we aren't supposed to relate
And we all have eyes but we don't use them
We all just live to die
So why not show the world what you hide inside
Just because you don't fit in doesn't mean you don't deserve your moment of glory
For once put aside your differences and learn that we are all one
My mind is no longer blocked
I've beaten the clock
My thoughts are clear and I am sure of one thing only
Life
Among other things
Is for the living
If you are tired of feeling
Well join the club
Its 12:05 and tonight I remember why I'm alive
Look deep inside and realize that whether you are fully awake or paralyzed
We all live to die
So don't criticize
Only memorize what you want to say
When someone asks you
How did you change the world?