Jackie

Jackie Apr 2013

One Day

I wonder what my future holds
I try to picture it in my head
Waiting for it to unfold
Before I end up dead
All of my mistakes
All of my regrets
Will finally wash away
Everything will be okay
One day

I picture the perfect girl
And I know she is out there
Waiting for my turn
Hoping that I learn
That I actually matter
And she will love me
And I will love her
Everything will be great
One day

The past is the past
I'm moving too fast
To look back
A set of traps
But I move around them
And one day everything will change
One day you will all be amazed
For I will have succeeded
And everyone who believed in me
Will be rewarded
And everyone who doubted me
Will be left speechless
One day

Jackie Apr 2013

Her Love

She sat across the room from me
Pondering about her life and lost love
I sat there smiling
Because I had found mine
We were only 16
And had nothing figured out
She had given up
But I continued to fight
I wanted her
She was searching for light
And as we sat across from each other
I desperately needed her eyes
Desperately searched for her love
But never found it
And I became stuck between self pity and heartache
And out of the blue
She found love

Jackie Apr 2013

Rainy Days

I don't understand pain
Or why I seem to be more depressed when it rains
Dark days
Seem to bring out the poet in me
But for some reason I never show it
The lightning strikes
The thunder booms
And all I can think about is you
But I push those thoughts away
Maybe save them for another rainy day
But what is pain?
And why do I always seem to go through it
Bad luck I guess
May be depressed?
But none the less
Writing seems to make me think about my past
Which is scary
That's one thing I hate most of all
It's the reason I fall
But my future
Is the reason I get back up
The reason I don't cut
Why I always chose to love

Jackie Apr 2013

I Had it All Wrong

I'm gay
But I never wanted to be
I never wanted this permanent thing
That defines me
I was ashamed of myself
I hated myself
I thought the church would turn their backs on me
I thought God didn't want me
Who would want a gay daughter
Nobody
I would pray that I was straight
Yell at the top of my lungs
"Lord take this gayness away!"
I got no reply
That day I almost took my life
Stop the noise
Stop the looks
Stop the hatred
Just make it stop
All that time I couldn't see
That God truly loved me
I missed all the signs
To worried about the pain inside
He wasn't ashamed
He loves me
He loves everybody
God made me this way
Not to suffer
But to inspire
That's what I'm going to do
Express my point of view
God didn't make me this way
Because He hates me
He did it because He loves me

Jackie Mar 2013

Numb not Dead

I try my best to let things go
Let feelings show
To go with the flow

Can't let things go to my head
Safe in my bed
Numb but not dead

Jackie Mar 2013

Horrible History

I'm walking away from you
With all the scars from what you put me through
Told myself I would never fall for you
But yet I did

Now look at us
Spitting images of our parents
No trust
Told you it would never be like that
We weren't our parents
We were us

Our love was strong
Even though the miles seperated us
We got through it all
Pushed aside our fears
And jumped

But we let insecurites run our lives
Listened to every rumor
Every lie
We just couldn't hold on
Like our parents
Not as strong
As we wanted to be

Now we are both free
But still see our parents
Horrible history

Now that's us
But we tried so hard
To not fall into that catagory

About me and my ex girlfriend. Her parents and my parents have horrible marriages and we didn't want to end up like them. But we did...

Jackie Mar 2013

Hate

Man you don't even understand
That when you say "that's so gay"
You just sound arrogant
With no education
Trying to make others feel bad
So you can keep on believing
That you're better
But in reality
You are the match that starts the fire
You are the weather that causes the natural disaster
You look for any possible way to tear someone down
And you always seem to find a way
And you don't realize that you could be the one
To stop the hate
But instead you give everyone around you the option to do the same
People like you make me sick
People like you are the reason there is such a thing as closets
And why people feel the need to hide in one
And you don't even understand
What you're doing
Or what you're saying
So take a step back
And try to picture other peoples feelings