Jackie

Jackie Mar 2013

I looked at her
And with complete peace
I smiled
Knowing that her's was hiding pain
She was never loved
Was never seen as anything special
Beat up and bruised by the words of others
People
Who didn't even know her
As I grew to know her
Love her
I found myself in her unconditional love
She never judged

He was tormented everyday
For something he couldn't change
Gay
Pushed down stairs
Shoved into lockers
And when he came home
His parents couldn't even look at him
Blinded by their hate
They pushed him away
Into the hands of drugs
Not because he wanted to
But because he felt no love

And as for me
My story has bits and pieces of theirs
Cutting was what fueled my life
Sucide
Because I was never loved by someone
Looked down apon because of who I loved
I never knew how good life could be
Until I heard other peoples stories

No one should be treated badly
We all search for happiness
But sometimes that's at the cost of others
We all have light and dark within us
Choose to fuel the light
Choose to diminsh the dark

I got the idea for this poem from watching Shane Koyczans video To This Day. These are actually true stories from myself and two other people that I know. There is really no ending to this poem. Their lives and mine are still going on. Hope you find it powerful and inspiring

Jackie Feb 2013

Dreaming

To tell you the truth
I've run out of things to say
Each dawn brings a new day
Trying to unlock my secrets
That I hid from myself
Secrets only God could unfold
Trying to make wishes into reality
I want something I can hold
But I was told wishes are for suckers
There is no dreaming in this world
Hope is for the weak
The strong just do
And I tried my best to live up to you
Somethings just can't be done
Somethings just can't be won
But I still dream
Dream of a better life
Try to make those dreams into reality
I want something more in this life

Jackie Feb 2013

Curse

I can't help but think this is a curse
Day by day it just gets worse
All I want is to find myself
Trying not to be anyone else
And I find myself hoping
That maybe one day I'll be different
Even though I wake up and I'm the same
Am I good enough
Am I strong enough
Will people accept me
Or do I have to fight for love

I am at war with myself
Part of me wants to be someone else
The other part just wants to run
Run and run and run
Until I'm free
Break loose from these chains and hooks
That are tying me down
Until I can't breathe

I feel lost
I feel broken
Hope is slowly slipping
And I look up at the sky
Hoping for a better life
But thankful that I'm alive
Maybe someday I'll realize
What it truly means to be alive
To feel love again
And not let it slip away
To hold onto it and pray
Pray that it stays
Maybe someday I'll accept that fact that I can't change
Could that do possibly be today

Jackie Feb 2013

Scars

I can't quite put my finger on it
Why I feel the way I feel
Blade across my skin
So I can tell if its real
The pictures in my head
The reason I can't go to bed
Silence is all I hear
The loudest cry

I look out over my empire
And see all the people I hurt
Up higher
Higher
Until they can't see me
So longing to be free
To find peace and harmony
Deep breathes
The smell of defeat

As I walk down the narrow road
Turning points
On my left
On my right
But which way do I go
Fading darkness
Or blinding light
Which way is wrong
Which way is right

Broken promises
Is all I see
What do you see

I promise to be good
I promise to be helpful
I promise to stop cutting
I promise that I am grateful

Maybe I'm not supposed to know why
I feel the way I feel
But I now know
I don't need a blade
To tell if its real

Jackie Feb 2013

I Am Gay

I didn't choose this
I didn't want this
Sometimes we're dealt bad cards
And we have to live with it
Hated for being me
Judged for being me
And all those people, they don't really see
What it takes to say those words
Two little words
With the biggest meaning
I'm gay
Hooray
Look at me I did it
Now I really have to live with it
Whispers in the halls
Prank phone calls
Very mature guys
Watch as another kid takes their life
"It was a joke"
That's the biggest lie
You could have stopped it
Instead you stood there and watched it
Now who's laughing
Yea no one
Now its all your fault
And you'll have to live with it
No more prank phone calls
No more jokes
No more put downs
All because of a few little words
Do you understand now
Two little words
The difference between life and death
This is me
I didn't choose this
I didn't want this
But it's a new day
And I can't change the fact that
**I am gay

Jackie Feb 2013

What is Life?

What is life
In the hands of someone who doesn't know what it is
A sunset
A long car ride
People always ask
But never recieve the correct answer
People look
But do not see
The truth behind the little things
But no one seems to belive me
Life can be a beautiful thing
Beauty from within
If everyone showed a little beauty
Beauty without sin
And I could walk forever
But never reach my destination
You'll find the truth
When you are ready to listen

Jackie Feb 2013

My Life in a Nutshell

I am standing still
And yet everything around me moves fast
I am breathing
But feel no air in my lungs
I am who I am
But wish I could change
But you can't see a rainbow
Without a little rain
Time ticks
And I just wish it would slow down
Freeze somehow
My life in a nutshell
My life, living hell
But I smile
But I live and I breathe
The same as all of you
But treated differently
Not by the color of my skin
Or my religion
But because of who I love
Judgement comes in all shapes and sizes
And yet people don't realize it
Hatred is among the worse
Love is soup for the soul
And it shouldn't matter who I love
We are all God's children in this world
We breathe the same air
Look up at the same sky
Make wishes on our birthdays
Think we can all fly
Until we try
And fail
But I get back up
Because that's all I can do
Wish and hope and pray
Just like you
I'm not different
I don't wear a sign saying
"Hello, I'm gay"
If you looked at me
Would you think we are both the same
Sometimes I cry
Sometimes I wish I could die
But I do not stop the fight
And it shouldn't matter who I love
I don't judge you for who you are
So don't take away my right to love