I finally died on a Wednesday night

My dad was in Atlanta with his family
But that’s the way it’s always been
And that’s the way it will always be

My mother was at her boyfriend’s house 15 minutes away
Starting her new life
The one where she tries to forget about me
Maybe if she keeps redecorating his house
She can find a way to hide me in the corner
Collecting dust and spider webs
My picture on the wall hidden by a sea blue curtain

And my siblings were in his basement watching TV
Probably fighting and getting ready to sleep
I never knew that every time I refused dinner or a movie with them
I was sealing my fate like my coffin lid

I was born on a Wednesday evening
5:15 pm at 4 pounds
I entered this world early and that’s how I left it

I killed myself on a Wednesday

I left behind cabinets full of pills I always said I would take
I left 19 notebooks of half written poetry
A few finished paintings and pastel scribbles
And a bowl of almost empty cereal left in my drawer

I left with scars on my body and burns

I left three bobby pins in my boyfriend’s window sill
Locks of my hair still in the kitchen trash
Lighters and pipes still hidden under my mattress

I left my bath water in the tub, turning cold as my body
***** socks crumpled in the corners of my sheets
I left my favorite shirt on my floor

I left my books opened
Underlined all the words I never could say aloud
I kept my favorite CD in the player in my car

I left my toothbrush out and my window open

I left an unfinished prophecy

My mother once threatened me by saying she would cut off all of my hair like I guess she knows what my weakness is
and I think I’m like that biblical story about Sampson
All the strength is gone if I lose my hair

I wish I could tell her all the reasons I ever lied
but I can’t anymore so to my sisters: may the bridges I burn light the way

in 8 months I’ll be officially gone so just keep that as a little reminder
to be good you don’t ever want to end up like me

I spend my days with my head in my hands

and ever since I was little I’ve known I would die at 27
and I tell everyone I get close to
and they always look at me like I’m standing on
the edge of a building when I whisper this and maybe I am

and there’s a white lighter in my pocket for my autopsy
just like Kurt Cobain and Jim Morrison and Jimi Hendrix

but maybe all I really want is someone to save me before I happen to fall

I feel like I've been in air tumbling to pavement for years
and somewhere in this time I've caught fire

So now I wonder if I'll burn out or break all my bones first
And if I'm being honest it doesn't really matter to me anymore

Like shards of glass in the back of your throat
waiting for that steady drip

don’t breathe in through your nose or you’ll throw up

and it could be compared to a rollercoaster
but you described it as a soft and quiet floating between trees

like the wind is blowing you through the leaves

and then you said you’ve wasted your life on this
and talk to you when you happen to fall asleep

but it’s been seven days

and you haven’t fallen into this bed yet
I made the bed that you can’t sleep in

because life is just all about horrible irony

We fell together like we had no other choice

we fell like two body bags in the back of an ambulance

and suddenly you were killing me
a razor to the femoral artery in a bathtub

and there was nothing else

I used to pray to god for a cleansing rain to wash me of my sins
so that I didn’t burn if I stepped foot in his home

it has rained 729 times since then

and I am still stepping on hot coals

What do you do when
you fall in love with a boy who has a constellation on his chest

how do you leave someone
that is literally so made of stars it shines out on his skin

when his freckles make the big dipper
like he was kissed by the universe
and now he’s kissed by me

and I hope i can rub some of that star shine out on me
I need some of the light

and space dust that hides out in the marrow of his bones
and the gaps in his rib cage

I love him so much it makes me blink to look at him
like staring at the sun

and I got a tattoo of a blue full moon on my shoulder back in august
in hopes I could create something magic and rare
on something so ordinary and I’m still waiting for that to kick in

I told him he was made of stars
and he told me I was heaven sent

I want you hand rolled and in my mouth
I want your fingers curled around my hair
and I want to taste you

I always thought I would forever miss out
I am always searching for something just beyond my fingertips

Specks of dust floating three inches from your nose

and I see you in eyelashes
and freckles
and glimpses of a smile always so pure

I see you in black
and green
and blue

I see you in the colour of your lips after you’ve been kissing me

I see you in black

I see you in the way your hair moves in my hand
and the way the sun shines and your pupils dilate

I see you in high definition colour

Ive wanted to jump off the roof too many times to tell you
and you seem to be infiltrating my darkness with the warmth in your eyes

and theres a shine I can never fit into my drawings
and 5 minute sketches of your bones on lined paper

but you are not to be pinned down by ink and pencil

you are limitless and deep and I am falling

Only I am dreaming of falling into you instead of to the ground

I am breaking bleakness instead of bones
I never dreamed I wouldn't be alone

She reads
                                          And she sleeps
                                                      Way too much
                                                            ­           It's her coping defence
                                                                ­               When nothing else will suffice
                                                         ­               She needs to get away
                                                       Without actually leaving
                                             Because she's too scared
                                   And too tired
                                            To leave her bed
                                                      So she cracks open a book
                                                            ­     To escape somewhere far away
                                                            ­             And she'll sob for the characters
                                                      ­                       Whose brokenness resembles hers
                                                            ­                                   And then she'll sleep
                                                           ­                                   And have sweet dreams
                                                          ­              Of realities that are not her own
                                                       Because pretending is so much easier
                                                 Than facing reality
                             So she'll sleep and dream
          And secretly wish she won't wake up
So she can finally escape

This is the most blunt poem/love letter/apology I will ever write you.

I love you.

The way you smell,
the sound of your laughter,
your god awful handwriting.

I sleep with my phone by my ears in case you decide
you aren't tired and would like to talk.

I'm not sure this even qualifies as poetry.

I'm sorry I ****** up.
You know I'm better, I know I'm better.
I know we're better.

I'm too nervous to write your name and I love you
in the same poem/love letter/apology.
I'm sorry, I'm not there yet.

Maybe someday.