Loving someone
Is wanting them to never feel pain
But I can't help hoping that you suffer
I want you to miss me
I want you to feel lonely
I want you to be destroyed
So that maybe you will understand
So that maybe you will feel a fraction
Of what I'm feeling
The pain
The emptiness
The betrayal
Maybe if you knew
Exactly how all of this felt
You would change
And learn what it feels like
To really love someone
The way that I loved you

When someone trusts an investor
They are willing to give him
Every penny they own
Every piece of their life savings
They'll take a risk
Take a fall
They'll give it all
Faithful that he
Will bestow the same amount
-- Or more --
Back upon them

But what if he
Never returns
The investment?

I blocked you on LinkedIn today
LinkedIn
I can't believe it's gotten to this
That it is so unbearable to see your face or your success anywhere
Before I permanently removed the last remnant I had of you
I looked at your profile
You've moved to San Fransisco
I felt a pang in my chest
A hollow pinch
That I didn't know about this move before
Because for some reason
I still want to know every part of your life
Or at least the big things
The way that I used to
Whatever this is
This Stockholm syndrome of sorts
Has me deeply nestled in the palm of its hand
Beneath bony white fingers
That'll never unfurl

You set fire
To our temple
And walked away
As it burned
Never looking back
Not even a peek
Over your broad shoulder
Three weeks
You roamed through the land
Occupying yourself
With travels and objects
That caught your eye
Until you tired
And prayed
For a place to rest
Your thoughts darted
To that temple
Such wonderful shelter
And shade
It had provided
You carefully find your way back
To the ruins
Only broken pieces of heavy stone
Remain
Even the ashes
Blew away
With the wind
And silence
You observe the fragments
Searching for a way
To build it all back up
Again
But weeks had gone by
Since it stood
The structure was gone
As were the ashes
So you settled for a stone
To rest upon
With palms turned to the sky
You pray for that temple
To rise up again
But you know better
Than to expect
A holy place
To be erected
From less
Than
Ash

Memories haunt me
Experiences at such a young age
Linger like ghosts

With my father in the river
His hand on my shoulder
Walking behind me down the hall
He was always possessive
It still is hard for him
To let go of what is his
But he didn't seem to have much trouble
Leaving
Without saying goodbye
In reflections
I didn't see him standing there
I saw him in me
His face overlapping mine
He had a head on his shoulders
But his feet never touched the ground

Where could I go
When I was afraid of home?
So thankful to leave that
Haunted house
Behind
Where monsters didn't live
Under the bed
But slept in the room
Down the hall

I hesitate each time
the words I love you
rest raw and desperate
upon my lips
Not because I am unsure
or indecisive
of the weight those words carry
but because I am afraid
that the following
silence
might **** me

I'm done writing love poems about you
you don't deserve them
you don't need the extra confidence boost
and I'm tired of feeding your already oversized ego
Don't look for them anymore
Don't look for me anymore

I'm perfectly fine without you
I just never wanted to figure that out

It was everything I've ever wanted
And desperately needed
All the men in my life have left
Killed themselves, forgotten about me, moved away
And I still carry all of that pain with me
Never able to let go of it
And I am terrified
Of what you might do
You're already so far away
And it's hard to convince myself
That despite the distance
You're still here
With me
I'm sorry
For everything
Just know that I need you
And that I wish last night
Could've lasted forever

Defeat
I hate nothing more
Call it juvenile
Call it a flaw
It probably is
But aren't we all a little flawed?

I broke down
I ignored it
For quite some time
Tried to tell myself
Everything was okay
I knew I was lying
But telling the truth
Would admit defeat
And I couldn't do that

I can't say it did me harm
Admitting it
But maybe that's because
I can't feel a thing
Anymore
Long talks, sleepless nights
Advice I didn't want to hear
And finally,
I didn't have a choice
Defeat

I submit
To that ******* pill
Every ******* morning
And I hate it
I absolutely hate it
For now
Soon I won't know the difference
Between hate
And like
And love
But I feel better

What is better?
When I no longer
Think the way I used to
Speak the way I used to
Write
Read
Cry
Love

I was cold before
But now I'm just
Lukewarm

Mopeds, Mercedes
Dandelions and daisies
Churches
Mosques
Women masked
Exposed eyes
Revealing
More than the body
Ever could.
Lingerie
Sold openly on the street
Olives
By the kilogram
To fast-talking
Fast-walking
Men and women
Young and old.
Ancient ruins,
Ruined
The fall of one civilization
Destroyed
Merely to give rise
To one that will
Only hope to make men
Worth remembering.
Mystery lies
In the lives of artifacts
Bare finger tips
Graze over frescoes
Religion
Art
Expression
Litters every corner
Accompanied by waste
And poppies
Blood red
Amidst the gray haze
Of cigarette smoke
And pollution
Clouding the view
Of snowcapped mountains
Diamond lakes
Undisturbed
Surrounded by
Mopeds, Mercedes
Dandelions and Daisies

You took your jacket back when you left for college
That should've been a sign
That you never leave anything behind
You don't let people or places have pieces of yourself
You're too afraid
Or stubborn
Or whatever
And now I look back on that time
Over a year ago
And wish I had seen it for what it was then
The only thing you left behind
Was me

Everything seems to come full circle
Different ages, different people
But it's all the same
No one has "changed"
And I doubt anyone has tried
I'm as guilty as others
But I'm paying for it now
Only a couple years later
And I'm exactly in her position
I remember feeling pity for her
Pity that she had found out
Pity that she had fallen for it
And I was content
-- A little broken, but content --
Because I felt like the victor
With you as my prize
But who knows how long
That even lasted for
Here I am
I've fallen for it
I've fallen for you
Just to be right back where we started
But this time
I'll be the girl who loses

I don't go out much
More than I used to, but still not much
Because I hate coming home
To unlocked doors
And both sides of her bed turned down
The angel that lives upstairs
Hides dark secrets in and under her bed
It's nothing that should concern me
Yet it is everything
It took me years to forgive her
For conceiving me with a man
Who wasn't her husband
Even though I now understand
And have forgiven her
But she has no excuse for kissing married men
Who come to fix our TV
Or sleeping with her accountant
When she is oh so in love with her perfect boyfriend
I can't help but be upset by it
I know I've committed my fair share of sins
But I'm still learning
And I think what angers me most
Is that she is the woman I've looked up to
My whole life
Despite her poisoning my memories of my father who's not my dad
Despite pitying her childhood and taking it out on me
Despite her nonexistent self-confidence that leaves her bedroom door open
And in all honesty,
I didn't have anyone else
I know she is a strong, compassionate woman
But deep down I wonder
If all my insecurities
All my inabilities to happily be in love
All the things ****** up in my head
Stemmed from the only role model
I've ever had

I cried the whole way home
Gasping for air
Body overcome by sobs
I didn't see them coming
Until it was too late
I turned my head
And stared death in the face
I was stuck in time
As I watched the truck crush the driver side of my car
Killing me on contact
That last thing I felt was heartbreak
To the point that I was numb to the physical pain
And when they pulled my lifeless body out of the car
They could see my swollen face
And the tears dried upon my cheeks
And they could hear our song on repeat
It sure as hell wasn't the way I wanted to go
But you were the last thing on my mind
And the last name on my lips

I fell in love with what you could be
but never were
I loved the expectations I had for you
but reality knocked me down
too many times
And I can't keep wishing on stars
for things that aren't there

It wasn't about me, was it?
It was about all of them
I was never the one
I was merely one of many
But just know that for me
It was always about you.

How is it possible
To wake up
With no recollection
Of shared words
But with a feeling so strong
You can guess what they were

Nine months
Seems like years since I've seen you
But only days stand between you and me now
And with that first glance
I know all my fear and sorrow will evaporate
From my being
And instead I will cling to you
For you are much warmer
Much wiser
Than what previously held onto me

I will release those things willingly
For your tweed suit jackets
Your round glasses
Thick beard
And ancient knowledge
I will welcome the man who knows me
And reminds me who I am
When I don't realize that I am lost
For nine months is much too long
But only a
few
more
days

I'm used to being abandoned by the men in my life
But that never makes it any easier
I was always a dreamer
And a part of me still is
I let my hopes grow too big
Filled with hot air
Only for them to float away from me
Disappearing
Like everything else
Naturally I've built up a wall
But people always find a way to sneak in
And usually walk right out
Once I've opened the doors
You could say I have trust issues
But there's always a moment
When I open myself up
Completely
It scares the hell out of me
But I do it anyways
For the chance at something bigger than myself
The only problem
Is that I don't do well with vulnerability
I worry, I doubt
But only because
Having another man walk out of my life
-- Especially you --
Would be too much to bear.

Mind wandering
Body traveling
Towards the door
Twist the key in the lock
Anticipation
For dogs yipping
And jumping
At my feet

Turn the ****
And there's
Nothing

I know I'm young
And have plenty of years to fill houses
With my every desire
-- A husband
Children
Dogs
Anything --
But that's further down the road
Not down this hallway
Not behind this door

For now, the only thing I am welcomed by
As I walk through this doorway
Is *loneliness

Driving back from a numbing weekend
Distracted with liquor, drugs, sunshine, and company
I opened my first college acceptance letter
It was unexpected
And although I was beyond happy
Filled to the brim with emotions
That had been locked up for weeks
I still couldn't cry
I was happy while I was in shock
But inevitably my mind went straight to you
I was accepted to the school closest to where you are
And although I'm going to go where I want to go
I've always associated going there with us
And I couldn't even share my happiness with you
It's a great school, but you were a huge part
Of why I applied
And there I was
Trying to numb myself to your memory
But college acceptance
No matter how happy it can make you
Never fails to remind you of everything
Left behind

"Forgive me, Father,
For I have sinned"
Is what my father should have said
If he had been religious
Or able to admit
That he was a horrible man
At the end

He was sitting in a burgundy chair, a glass of whiskey in his hand
slowly taking a sip, eyes fixated on the display in front of him
A young girl
tall, thin, brunette
Standing in a slinky dress and too-high heels
misplaced in his garish living room
Another gulp of whiskey
He knew he needed to slow down
The edges of his vision were blurring, and he didn't want to miss this
It wasn't the first, not even close
But this one was different
Something in her eyes... he couldn't look away
He shook the wandering thoughts out of his head,
not allowing his sight to falter
She stared back, not a bit of fear painted on her face
She grabbed one strap between her thumb and index finger
delicately pushing it off her shoulder
She briefly looked in the full length mirror to her left
before smoothly lifting the dress over her head
and casually draping it on a chair behind her
She tipped forward and rolled down her stockings
remarkably steady in her stilettos
She did it with grace
but with a fire blazing behind her thick lashes
He leaned back, wishing he had another ice cube for his drink
but not daring to move
She reached both hands behind her back
pushing out her chest
Thin fingers effortlessly found the clasp
and released her *******
She let her bra fall, not wasting the time
to place it with her dress
She stood, relishing in her liberation
brushing a strand of dark hair behind her shoulder
Her ******* were small but firm
sitting high and round on her chest
Her confidence condensed on her skin
and evaporated as he took a sharp inhale
He stared
and she stared back
Her fingers found the waist of her thong
slipping it off
Poised, she allowed the room and her spectator
to soak in the sight
of her fully exposed body
He sat, numb to her naked figure
and she, to his unwavering gaze
They remained like that
burning holes into each other's skin
savoring the divergence
He absorbed himself in liquor
and women
but he wasn't looking for ***
And she, she undressed herself
in front of men she didn't know
but she didn't want their money
She stood, tensing
and he gripped his glass
both hardened to the outside world
finding an escape in drugs,
each of a different kind
He finished his whiskey and blinked
She slowly collected her clothes
not bothering to put them back on
She grabbed her coat and let herself out
neither one saying a word
He sat, motionless
with the image of her etched
on the space behind his eyes
Just another scar
to become numb to

Late night, early morning drives
The time when I wonder
How close I can get to death
Without dying
Sitting in a vessel
Much safer than my body
My mind can't help but wander
To other places
Intentionally placing my design
In the hands of the outside
I feel empty
Light enough to float
Yet slight enough to fall
Your smell
Still lingers on my sheets
But what will it matter
In an instant
Oncoming traffic
Fraying the string that
The Fates so diligently measure
But there's always that force
That pulls me back again
-- although unwillingly --
Knowing that I do not control
The evasion of death

Black ashes of fear
Fell atop the city of our love
Preserving it as it was
Set in stone
We were too ignorant to see our demise
As it erupted
Right before us
Filling the sky with ominous, black clouds
That loomed overhead
Warning us of the destruction to come
Our fall was impending
Imminent
But we were naive
Swallowed in the dark
Choking on smoke and ash
But it was too late to run
And salvage what we could

Now nothing is left
But the dust and rubble
Of the city we once worshipped
Only the ruins
Remain

Where did you go?
Not after you died,
But before
While you were still living
But weren’t alive
You were dead
For a long time
Before you validated it
Yourself

What made being awake
So unbearable
To make you wish
To sleep
Eternally?

Why was alcohol
And cigarettes
And ******
The only thing
You could turn to?

You had everything
Prestige
Two families
Money
But maybe it was the loss
Of respect
That affected you
most

Such a desire
To be the best
The greatest
And you no longer
Could please everyone
Or anyone
For that matter
Your fame faded
Your wife stopped
Listening
To you
And became the woman
You tried to
Prevent her
From being

You lost
All the attention
You so desperately
Needed
And filled that void
With alcohol
With cigarettes
With ******

Did that feel better?
Because apparently
It didn’t
Seeing as you
Found another
More permanent
Escape

What was the point?
Was it worth it?
Are you happy with
The even greater
Loss
Of respect?
Or the grief
Your wife
Experienced?
The guilt?
Or knowing your children
Grew up
Without you?
Without a father?
Without a man
At all?

But maybe it’s better
This way
You were no man
Anyways
And sure as hell
No father.

*******.
I know you loved her
And I know you lied
About everything
I just want you to stop being a coward
Be a man
And tell me the truth
About everything
So I can move past this hate
And let go of it all.

I thought I was over this
-- Done with the pain
Of losing a father
A man who wasn’t even a dad
And even less of one
Than I had previously thought --
But grief is a tricky thing
It presents itself
When everything seems
To be going well
For once.

You left me
For good
A long time ago
And your memory left, too
But it’s taunting me again
With thoughts
And questions
Of what might have been
If you were a different person
And if I was who you had hoped I was
But knew I wasn’t
Or if you had been
Content enough
To continue living.

I truly believe
It’s best that you left
Permanently
But I can’t help
Wondering.

I never thought I would become
The kind of girl I hated
The type of girl who would derive happiness solely from a man
The type of girl who would change herself wholly for a man
Put a man before herself
Love a man more than herself
But here I am
I've been led through hell and back
Become the girl I hate for the man that I love
And look where it got me
Now I remember why I wanted to be different
From all those other girls
Why I wanted to be stronger
More independent
Because every time I give myself to someone
They convince me that I should never do it again

Everyone wants someone who knows their own heart
Knows their pain
And makes it dissipate
Someone who understands
Relates
Alleviates
But is that always enough?
Can someone truly know
The pain
One goes through?
Often times
Words are muttered
Of how one knows what you're feeling
Knows what you're thinking
What you're going through
And maybe it's all with good intention
Innocence
But innocence doesn't help ****
When it was stolen
Long ago
Under the nose of ignorance
And you were left alone
Long ago
It's what you know
It's what you've always known
And it's hard to form new habits
When the old ones
Rooted themselves
So long ago

It's all happening too fast
Been going on for too long now
And every time I sit down to write
I want to say the same things every time
That's when you know it's bad
I'm tired...
No, that's not the word
Apathetic?
No
Bored?
Done
I'm done
This game has grown stale
I no longer have the energy
Or desire
To try anymore
It's not worth it
I feel it deep down
And I can tell that you do, too
As days creep by
I realize more and more
That I'm okay with it
It's what I want
To let go
You feel it, too
It's nothing you can hide
And I keep extending my hands
Grabbing for you
So that I can tell you how I feel
But you keep running away
Slipping through my fingers
And you don't even realize
That the only thing I'm grasping for
Is a chance to leave

Why is it that every time
I fall more in love with you
You feel farther away
As soon as it feels like we're getting close to something
You take a step back
Hesitant
Scared
Reluctant
As if you're resistant to let things get
Too good
Afraid of how you may feel
And what it could become
I meant what I said
When I told you I would do
Anything
For you
You're not easy to love
But I'm still here
And I will be
Until you force me to leave
You have nothing to be afraid of
Let me in
And I promise
That everything will be okay

We can both be winners
In this game
If you let us

Make sad, sweet love to me
Hush
Don't speak
Let the emotions do the talking
Grab for
Everything you have
Always wished for
And never obtained
Claw at
Everything that has held you
Back
And kiss me
Just kiss me
Like you've never meant anything more
Transfer your pain
Onto me
I will carry it
While you carry me
Show me everything
Vulnerability
Is key
In therapy
Like this