Some may say
that we are all
by nature children of wrath
but no one needs to
prove it .

My period is nine days late
And I still hate myself for having loved you
I guess this is just my luck
I should have noticed sooner
But I was so overwhelmed with grief
That I couldn't see past the emptiness I felt
It's ironic how my body is no longer empty
And I am no longer alone
You caused those feelings
And with no intention of doing it yourself
A part of you reversed them
I'm sure you're having fun
With your great girl
And your great life
Not thinking a single thought about me
While any chance I had of getting over you
Disappeared within an instant
And now I must make a decision
Whether I hate or love
This piece of you inside me

Extended family
Slowly rocking on the porch of ******* Barrel
I smile and laugh, rocking with the flow of conversation

My wife refuses to take ambien now
After she woke up one night
and found me with a huge grin on my face

Keep rocking
Keep smiling
Small chuckles from my family around me

She never would've noticed!

I'm sure that's not the first time
she's slept through that

Well, as long as she didn't say "no"

The smile slips from my lips
Keep rocking
Eyes down, unable to look to my father's face
In case he is also laughing

I fall into myself
Cross my legs
~My subconscious defense~

Keep rocking
Digging my fingernails into my left arm
Right above the four dots inked into my wrist
Marking my skin to convince me
That I have control over my body
That past violations don't define me

Keep rocking
Uncles laughing
Still clenching my teeth
Drawing small crescents of blood
Beneath my chipped nails
Anything to distract from the images
Flashing behind my averted eyes

I loosen my grip
Raise my head
To see that not
One
Single
Person
Has noticed my internal plea

The fear in my eyes
The tension between my thighs

Keep rocking
Keep rocking

Blood doesn't mean you're family
Family doesn't mean you're safe

You held me
And at first
I held you, too
Falling back into
The same old pattern
Stroking your hair
Enjoying being
So close to you
But something
Brought me back
And I felt nothing
Total emptiness
Except for a little anger
Which no words
Could express
So I picked up my shoes
And other belongings
And walked out the door

But now I'm left wondering
In which moment
I had been weak

Giving in
Or *Giving up

I'm about to bring a new man into my life
And I think that's going to mean
Letting you go
I suffer so much pain and heartache with you
And I can't have that with my new man, too
There will be a lot of uncertainty with him
I already know that
But there can also be a lot of happiness
I already love you
But I have the chance at loving him
And that means everything to me right now
I just don't know if I can handle the stress
Of having both of you in my life

You don't even need to speak
For me to love you
Just lay there
With your beautiful eyes
Your beautiful mind
And lips
That never stop singing
I can't seem to have you
Enough
When you're away
I think of all the things we will do
Planning in my mind
But the moment you're here
I don't even bother
To utter a syllable
In case I might miss something
Shhh, don't speak
Just be
Until you must leave
Feels as if you are being
Stolen from me
Because each time you go
I fear that you will go somewhere far away
And not return
To me
I would lay with you forever if I could

*But the end comes too soon
Like dreaming of angels

And leaving without them

It is always said
That you're attracted
To people who resemble
Your parents
But I hate my father
And rejoice in the loss
Of him

He took himself out
Of my life
At a young age
But could those
Formative years
Still hold on to
That memory
And subconsciously search
For someone
Just
Like
Him?

I see so much
Good
In you
But he was
A good man
Once
Too

Intelligence
Dreams
Depth
Everything I look for
In a man
But I wonder
If you carry
The dark side
Of those attributes

You admire
"Men"
Who were identical
To my father
At the end
Of his life
Disregard
Detachment
Liquor
All of his
Downfalls
You aspire for

I love you
Now
But what man
Will you become
Later?
One who
Succumbs
To alcoholism?
Thrives
In solitude?
Abandons
His family?

*******
I hope not

Submerged in water
Gasping for air
Blackness surrounds me
My lungs feel tight
My eyes fail me
As do my limbs
Struggling to find
A way up
Or out
But I can't find
The right direction
The surface
Any means of escape
Thrashing
Choking
Suffering
And the only way
To save myself
Is to let go
And hope that the release
Leads me to the surface
And not to the depths
Below

Sometimes I wonder what would happen
If I grew deathly ill
Would you come see me?
Who would tell you?
I imagine that you would come
And I think about how I would spend the last bit of our time together
I don't have a clue what I would say
But I've concluded that I would lure you close enough
And strike you in the face
And if you stayed through that
I know I would want to kiss you
Just one last time

Do you remember
Our first date?
I spent so long
Deciding what to wear
Cliche, I know
But I couldn't help it
I felt like a little girl
Had been quite some time
Since I felt like that
And I loved it

You picked me up
In your beat up car
I loved so much
You wore a red striped button down
And took time
To make your hair look nice
Such boyish charm
It was something I hadn't
Seen in you
Before
And I loved it

I was so nervous
Didn't want to say the wrong thing
But probably said too much
We talked about our dreams
Our goals
And everything in between
While we held hands across the table
And sheepishly looked away
While we ate
We sat long after we finished eating
Because I got carried away
In a story
You smiled, never said a word
And I loved it

You tried to kiss me
Remember?
It took everything in me
To say no
You always were persistent
But it was a different kind
Of persistence then
So sweet and innocent
Nonjudgmental, unassuming
sincere
And I loved it

We ate ice cream
And talked
And sat in that beat up old car
You looked at me
The way every girl wants to be
Looked at
Gave me that bashful grin
And I couldn't resist
I surrendered in that instant
To you
We stayed out late
Not caring about
Tomorrow's obligations
And I loved it

We laughed when the car
Wouldn't start
You were so embarrassed
And vulnerable
Remember?
I miss that
You were everything I had wanted
That first date
Was perfect in all its flaws
And I loved you

Every time I close my eyes
I'm back in that bed
Nothing mattered but me & you
You curled me into you
Pushed my hair aside
And kissed me
Tenderly in the hollow of my neck
Everything about that moment was perfect
And I remember wishing it would never end
Having your arms around my waist
Your soft breath on my shoulder
I gave in to you entirely
And I didn't regret it
You made me feel beautiful
You made me feel loved
And I can't tell you how much
I needed that
How much I needed you
But now you're gone
And all I have left of that night
Exists only behind closed eyes

I know you're angry
And hurt
And you have every right to be
But please don't doubt that I'm doing this
For us
I loved you enough for the both of us
Believe what you will, but that is the truth
I know sometimes it's been hard to tell
I was careless, paranoid, insecure, immature
And I'm sorry for that
Those are my faults
You know them well
But you are not spotless, either
Neither one of us was ready
Ready for this kind of love
This kind of passion
This kind of vulnerability
But it came anyways
When we didn't ask for it
And as a result, we didn't work
Not because we were not right for eachother
But because timing and circumstances
Wouldn't allow for it
Don't you dare think
That means you don't cross my mind
Every second of every day
Don't you dare think
That I am not hurting and aching
To be with you
I think about you constantly
Miss you constantly
I miss the sound of your voice
The way you held me
Your eyes
Your arms
Your scruff
Your love
I want that all back
But I know I can't get
What I want right now
So please, promise me
That despite everything
If you are ever courageous enough
To settle down
And show off your love
And if I am ever courageous enough
To trust
We will find each other
Again

I am not giving up
I never did
I am just salvaging what we have left
So that maybe we can put it back together
When we're both ready for it
When timing and circumstances will allow it

I once accused you of deception
By quoting a song we both loved
Music being the only way
We could relate

Say you wanted a solution
You just wanted to be missed

Such truth inhabited those words
But I've only just realized
That I was as guilty as you

You need to get your **** together
Figure out who you are
Because no girl is going to
Play these games with you
Trying to determine which mask
The real you stands behind
It's a game they'll never win
And it's only a matter of time
Until they find out

Who knew
The human body
Could hold so much
Expanding to accommodate
Emotions
Possessing the capacity
To contain
The spectrum of feelings
Is there a breaking point?
Because *******
It sure feels like
I'm getting
Close

And to think of all the nights
That I cried myself to sleep
While you were probably out
Drinking a beer at some **** bar
Not thinking a single thought about me
But I guess that's how it's been
All these past two years

We sat down on the bench
And you saw it in my eyes
"What's wrong?"
You asked knowingly
I looked at you
But couldn't bring myself
To say anything
I laughed at my inability
Incapable of producing any other noise
You put your hand on my knee
Never breaking eye contact
And waited patiently
Until I had the courage
To speak
Afraid of the reality
That speaking these words aloud
Would bring to light
I ****** in a deep, reluctant breath
And exhaled
"I found my father"

stay busy
fill every moment
with thoughts to fill my mind
to occupy my senses
divert my eyes
distract my heart
stay busy
I've been deceiving myself
or is this the deception?
I acknowledged it
I accepted it
but what if
I didn't?

With the first free moment
in weeks
I see clearly
or unclearly
I can't tell
all I know is that I hate
not being busy
being alone
and it doesn't help
that you've disappeared
from home
from my life
from the face of the earth
stay busy*
and I'll survive

Many people spend their lives battling with demons
Drugs
Themselves
The past
My father, he battled alcohol
And my mother, well, she battled him

She fought with her life to give me mine
As he beat her down
And beat her up
He held my life in his hands
Clenched in his fists

She stood at the top of our staircase
Somehow never afraid of this man she loved
He was filled with delusions
Fueled by liquor
As he drunkenly climbed the stairs
Toward where she stood
Screaming obscenities
About her infidelity
He knew why she had done it
He had chosen drinking over his family
And so she had chosen another man
But there they both stood
My mother with her hand on her swollen stomach
And my father with his hand through the plaster wall
Until his head became so clouded
That his hands reached my mother
The poison pulsed through his veins
And the venom became blows to her body

She shielded her abdomen
As his hands made contact
Rattling the quiet, liquid world that I lived in
With my twin
The war was waged against us
Because we did not belong to him
Because we did not belong
To him.

He fought himself
By attacking his mistakes
Not cognizant that we
—innocent and unknowing—
Would be unable to fix his pain
But he fought anyways
To destroy us
As if our disappearance
Would erase his fault

Exhausted from fighting
He fell to knees
As tears fell down my mother’s face
And blood dripped down her inner thigh

Sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to feel loss
Before you feel existence
Sometimes I wonder if I knew
That my life could have been taken away
As easily as my twin’s
That my life was at the mercy of a man
Before my heart beat on its own
But I remained
And the strength of my mother
Granted me access into this world
This world where men fight their demons
And women fight for their voices
Not realizing that their own demons
Rest their heads on the pillow next to them

Last night I dreamt that I was pregnant
It was yours
And I was happy
I walked around with a cute round bump
Attached to the front of me
I was going to give birth that evening
To a baby who weighed 5 pounds 7 ounces
It was going to be premature
Like I was
I was dress shopping with my mother
Trying on gowns
Not for a wedding
But for an announcement of our child
I wanted to feel beautiful
But nothing fit over that cute round bump
I didn't get frustrated
I kept trying on dresses
Thinking about how happy you would be
With how I looked
Once our baby was born
But still with all of the extra weight
I hoped it was a boy
And I planned to name him Dennis
-- Even though it wasn't one of the names
I picked out long ago --
That's what he would be called
Because that was your middle name
And I wanted our baby
To always be a reminder of you
Even when I found a man
Who was willing to be the father

I know I've hurt you
But I am not emotionless in this mess
I am filled with guilt
And the sting of your rejection
This can't really be it
....can it?
I haven't shed more than a single tear
In a few weeks now
And anytime something happens
I wait for my inevitable break down
But it is still yet to come
Taunting me
I'm lonely
And upset
And heartsick
But my body won't let me release those feelings
Meticulously torturing me
So I turn to drugs
To alcohol
Experiences
Companionship
To ensure that I feel nothing
And although my head is filled with fog
I can feel his hand behind my back
My fingers behind his head
And I can see your image behind my eyes
Taste your name behind my teeth  
But it is poison to my tongue now
And I must swallow it away
Before it escapes my lips
And betrays my composure
Disguising self-preservation

I'm tired
Tired of feeling this way
Tired of fighting
Of trying
Of lying
That I'm fine

I want to sleep
For days
But dreams haunt me
Daunting

I'm treading water
Drowning, drowsy
In a vast pool
Of memories
Experiences
Emotions
Suppressive weights
Heavier than the
Sleep
That draws my eyelids
To a close

Fighting to let myself
Drift away
Fighting to keep
My eyes open

But I'm too
****
*Tired

I thought that you were everything I wanted
And I assumed
That when I found that in a man
Things would go perfectly
You would know exactly what to do
And what to say
And how to make me feel
wanted
But we seem to have
trouble with that

I guess you're just not
What I thought you were

I loved you with everything I had
And I became more invested
Every second
I gave you my heart
And everything else
That you wanted
And didn't even know I had given you
Because that's the way that I love
I expected that from you in return
Because that's all that I know
I'm sorry I needed so much from you
I would give you second chances
For the rest of my life
If I could
I just don't have enough of me
For the both of us

Before I see the break of dawn
I see your face behind my lids
And keep my eyes shut untill you're gone

I dream of when we were kids
When kissing was only spelt in songs
Allowing what my mind usually forbids

But it does not cloak, it only prolongs
Waking up to a bright morning and empty bed
A vacant shadow where your body belongs

Filled with longing and words unsaid
To me, I wish to bring you home
Wiping my eyes, I turn my head

Imagine the scent of your cologne
Born from a depth so deep
I momentarily forget that I'm alone

You may not be mine to keep
But I'll see you when I fall asleep

Every moment is fleeting
Every feeling is fleeting
But each feeling
Comes from somewhere
Some sort of trigger
Whether it be an occurrence
A word, a whisper, a want, a war
It all comes from something
Even if that something
Lives deep in a dark part of ourselves
That we never wanted to know
Existed

Can people ever really change?
If something is a part of you at one time
Wouldn't it stay a part of you forever?
I'd like to think that people grow up
Grow wiser as they grow older
But who's to say what comes with age
I hope for the best
But deep down inside of me
I haven't forgotten
I had trust issues before you
And I had trust issues because of you
Maybe, just maybe... people can change
But people can never forget
You were awful to so many
You hurt so many
And maybe I'd be able to forgive that
If I weren't one of those many
That you knowingly hurt
And the worst part is
You were perfectly okay with it.

Everything happened at once
I didn't expect it to
And I didn't want it to
-- or atleast I convince myself
I didn't want it to --
But here we are
You don't know it yet
But both of our lives are going to change
In just another month
And I'm terrified
I should be happy
But I find myself crying
Everytime I'm alone
And I always thought that finding you
Would fill the hole inside of me
But I don't know if it will anymore
What if it's the opposite?
What if you don't want what I want?
You have already changed everything
And you've done nothing
I'm the one with the knowledge
With the choice
And yet I'm scared
I need so much right now
But I didn't know that the hope
Of loving you
Would make me question
The love I already have

When you're really sick
You realize
Who your true friends are
The ones that really care about you
For who you are
I don't need balloons
Or chocolate
Or teddy bears
I just need to know someone's there
And those presents mean a lot to me
But the thought behind it
Means the world

The worst part is,
If I was laying in a hospital bed
No makeup
Not showered
An IV in my arm
And my mom by my side
I don't know
If you would be there

Two years ago
You told me that if
You didn't have a girlfriend
When the day came
I would be your valentine
You would bring me flowers
And I would feel special

But that never happened
Because when that day came
You had a girlfriend







And it wasn't me

I remember that night so vividly
I was a mess of mixed emotions
even before you told me you loved me
I was resistant
out of fear to fall fully back into you
without you truly being there
to catch me
I feared you were just a mirage
And would disappear at any moment
You had a firm grip on my arm
and looked me in the eye
said the words I had waited
two years to hear
I love you
And I couldn't even say them back
So many nights
I had dreamt of that moment
if and when you finally told me
but it was much different
than I imagined
I didn't think
there could ever be bad timing
for dreams to come true
Yet I couldn't help but not believe you
As deeply as I care
and hope that you feel the same
I can't help but wonder
If it was just a slip
Of the tongue