I say that I am done
But I always leave a small part of me open
Vulnerable
Susceptible
I don't mean to
But I can never seem to help it
I can't let go of the whisper inside of me
Suggesting that maybe something will change
Maybe you will do something to change my mind
Something that will prove anything
And every time
I am left disappointed
And more heartbroken than before
Because not only do I feel foolish
For the many years spent with you
But I feel foolish for continuing
To open my heart up to you
Even when I know that you are undeserving
And you prove that to me
With every lack of action
Every lack of effort
Still, I can't help but to give you infinite chances
Because I foster a love for you
So deeply inside of me
But each time that you make it clear
That you don't feel the same
That this means nothing to you
I begin to hate you
Just a little



But it adds up

My love for you is like the ocean
Dark, mysterious
Omnipotent
It's always there
Even when I'm not looking for it

It comes in waves
Waves of passion
Emotion
Sentiment
Even lethargy

I can't always see
The source of the waves
But they come
In and out
Nevertheless
Receding
From the shallows
Into the deep
And back again

Constant waves
Controlled by the moon alone
Soothe me to sleep
And lure me awake

The ocean, those waves
Always there but
****, they can be so hard to bear  

There's a very small
Physical difference
Between swimming
And drowning
At first
-- It is the outcome
That defines the action --

I can see it in your eyes
The fear of getting too close
You hide it well
With your playful smile and gentle touches
You convince people that you’re okay
But I can see that you’re not
I can smell it
You shine like the sun
But the sun is destined to burn out, right?
You know it, too
You try and hold off your destruction
By shutting people out
But that won’t help
I know you’ve been hurt
Abandoned by the ones you love
Left to figure things out on your own
But don’t hide behind your strength
Let it define you
I know you’re afraid
That the blackness inside of you
Will scare everyone away
But the ones that stay
Are the ones that count
You’ve been left alone before, I know
But you can’t expect
Every new man in your life to do the same
Some will, I can’t deny that
But you will never find the man who will stick around
If you don’t allow yourself to see him
Lift your head up, sweetheart
Wipe your tears
Shed your fears
And let everyone see the light in you
I promise that it will outshine the darkness
What do I know, right?
I’m just a teenager
But don’t let outward appearances fool you
Because somewhere hidden
To the naked eye
Are the same secrets and scars
That you see branded on your skin
And if you take the chance
To look close enough
You’ll see mine, too

Thought I didn't love you anymore
And I'm still pretty sure that I don't
But my emotions are running wild
And I can't seem to keep them in check
Stay as far away as you can
I don't want to drag you into this mess that I am

I approach the day with a brave smile
And wear it for everyone to see
I surround myself with peers, friends, loved ones
And I feel okay
I manage to make it through
Thinking it's not so bad
That maybe this will be the turning point
And things will finally get better
But when I turn off the lights
And crawl into bed
I realize just how terribly lonely I am

I hate love
Because everyone I love
Loves somebody else
My father is happy
With his new wife
and his three beautiful daughters
I was never taken into account
When he fell in love
And forgot about me
The man that I loved
Found happiness with someone else
I guess I was never that girl
Never the one to make him happy
Otherwise he would've loved me, too
My bestfriend doesn't care
She is head over heels
For a boy she met four weeks ago
So our seven year friendship
Now means nothing
Compared to the promise of love

I can't keep being nothing
To the people I make priorities
I feel worthless
I just want to be the one for somebody
For anybody
Because I feel like the sidelines
Have been my home
For the past eighteen years
And it's times like these
That make me want to break down
And call you
I know I shouldn't
But maybe, just maybe
You would make me feel loved

My car has been out of gas
Running on fumes
For miles now
It finally sputtered and died
As you raced onward
And I watched
Your license plate disappear
Knowing I'd never see you again

I'm tired of settling
I'm tired of accepting less than I deserve
Because I've been so fixated on you
It's been you and only you
For years now
I can't tell if it's you that I loved so much
Or what I always hoped you could be
I loved you after the first three months
I loved every single thing that I learned about you
What you were interested in
What you wanted to be
What you would never fully tell me about your past
I was hooked
I thought you were everything I had ever wanted
But after those first three months
Every new thing I learned about you
Made me love you less
But I still held on to who I thought you were
In those first three months
But that was years ago
And I need to stop holding on
Because whatever I saw in you then
Is no longer there now

For a long while I lay next to you
Sheltering myself from your fan
And listening to you breathe
I touched your face
But you refused to wake
So I grabbed my things
And stole a kiss before I left
The only one I had received that night
And like so many times before
I snuck out the back
And trekked to my car in the dark
I didn't realize I had left
Until I was halfway home
Choking out lyrics to a CD
That I will never be able to listen to
Without thinking of you
After so many times
You would think I'd be used to you
Leaving
But each time it's the same
Taking the downtown exit
With blurred sight
Only able to make out light
And color

Ask me anything
You said, after we crawled under the comforter
And I did
I asked about
Every
Single
Thing
That had been occupying my mind
And lying on my tongue
But had never escaped
The safety of my lips
I should have told you to do the same
But you never seem to have questions
For me
Always just the answers

Kiss me everywhere*
You said, after we talked for hours
And I did
I kissed
Every
Single
Inch
Of your body
My tongue settled
Behind the certainty of my lips
As they rested upon
Your bare skin
I should have told you to do the same
But I don't think I could have enjoyed
Your kisses
As much as I enjoyed
The taste of your skin

I believe in your writing
I believe in you
And I'd give up luxury
To eat ramen with you
Sit silently while you write
Listen, revise
Every night
For years
Until you were as successful
As I know you can be

And I know that's not
What you're looking for right now
But know that it's out there
So when you're ready
Don't settle
For anything less

Satisfaction is a funny thing
Smile on my face
Love in my heart
But some sort of emptiness
Overwhelms the senses

What is missing
When everything
I thought I wanted
Is right in front of me?
Held in my finger tips?
What more
Could I want?

Maybe if I knew
I wouldn't be sitting
With such an emptiness
Inside of me

Who were you?
At the end
No man I knew
Your essence
Was liquor
Your character
Alcohol
Your spirit
Spirits

The numbness
Took over
Sickness
Diseasing
The mind
Plaguing
The soul
Infiltrating
The veins

Corrupting
Abruptly
The human aspect
Degenerating
Generations
But you don’t even
See that
Anymore
Do you?

Eyes glassed over
From champagne
Whiskers
From whiskey
Who are you
Now?

Cat and mouse
You and the bottle
But I can’t tell
Which is which
Anymore
Running in circles
Tangled up
Into one

So tell me
Was it you
Or the liquor
That pulled
The trigger?

They say the apple doesn't fall
Far from the tree
But my oak is broken
Falling apart, bark splitting
Even the leaves leave the branches
Anticipating the trunk to timber
And fall
But you, my brother, will be there
The seed, the sapling
To hold our family together

I took this semester to study abroad
I couldn't be on that campus anymore
The one where your prestige follows you
Even after you've been found guilty
But even here
In a medical classroom in the heart of São Paulo
It finds me
Your legacy, your good character
Your side of the story
It creeps in the shadows behind me
Startling me
Sending cold, damp shivers down my back
And burning black anger and fear behind my eyes
I exit the lecture and walk to the bathroom
Flexing my freshly polished fingers
Until they reach the back of my throat
And *****

I need a win
Any small victory
Amidst these losses
Continual letdowns
Consecutive defeats
Constant calamities
When will it end?
I dress in armor,
But it does no good
For every time I attempt
To repair one impairment
A gust of misfortune
Knocks yet another
Piece out of place
Is it too much to ask
To find myself among laurels
Just for a moment?