Extended family
Slowly rocking on the porch of ******* Barrel
I smile and laugh, rocking with the flow of conversation

My wife refuses to take ambien now
After she woke up one night
and found me with a huge grin on my face

Keep rocking
Keep smiling
Small chuckles from my family around me

She never would've noticed!

I'm sure that's not the first time
she's slept through that

Well, as long as she didn't say "no"

The smile slips from my lips
Keep rocking
Eyes down, unable to look to my father's face
In case he is also laughing

I fall into myself
Cross my legs
~My subconscious defense~

Keep rocking
Digging my fingernails into my left arm
Right above the four dots inked into my wrist
Marking my skin to convince me
That I have control over my body
That past violations don't define me

Keep rocking
Uncles laughing
Still clenching my teeth
Drawing small crescents of blood
Beneath my chipped nails
Anything to distract from the images
Flashing behind my averted eyes

I loosen my grip
Raise my head
To see that not
One
Single
Person
Has noticed my internal plea

The fear in my eyes
The tension between my thighs

Keep rocking
Keep rocking

Blood doesn't mean you're family
Family doesn't mean you're safe

Every time I close my eyes
I'm back in that bed
Nothing mattered but me & you
You curled me into you
Pushed my hair aside
And kissed me
Tenderly in the hollow of my neck
Everything about that moment was perfect
And I remember wishing it would never end
Having your arms around my waist
Your soft breath on my shoulder
I gave in to you entirely
And I didn't regret it
You made me feel beautiful
You made me feel loved
And I can't tell you how much
I needed that
How much I needed you
But now you're gone
And all I have left of that night
Exists only behind closed eyes

I never thought I would become
The kind of girl I hated
The type of girl who would derive happiness solely from a man
The type of girl who would change herself wholly for a man
Put a man before herself
Love a man more than herself
But here I am
I've been led through hell and back
Become the girl I hate for the man that I love
And look where it got me
Now I remember why I wanted to be different
From all those other girls
Why I wanted to be stronger
More independent
Because every time I give myself to someone
They convince me that I should never do it again

I don't go out much
More than I used to, but still not much
Because I hate coming home
To unlocked doors
And both sides of her bed turned down
The angel that lives upstairs
Hides dark secrets in and under her bed
It's nothing that should concern me
Yet it is everything
It took me years to forgive her
For conceiving me with a man
Who wasn't her husband
Even though I now understand
And have forgiven her
But she has no excuse for kissing married men
Who come to fix our TV
Or sleeping with her accountant
When she is oh so in love with her perfect boyfriend
I can't help but be upset by it
I know I've committed my fair share of sins
But I'm still learning
And I think what angers me most
Is that she is the woman I've looked up to
My whole life
Despite her poisoning my memories of my father who's not my dad
Despite pitying her childhood and taking it out on me
Despite her nonexistent self-confidence that leaves her bedroom door open
And in all honesty,
I didn't have anyone else
I know she is a strong, compassionate woman
But deep down I wonder
If all my insecurities
All my inabilities to happily be in love
All the things ****** up in my head
Stemmed from the only role model
I've ever had

I once accused you of deception
By quoting a song we both loved
Music being the only way
We could relate

Say you wanted a solution
You just wanted to be missed

Such truth inhabited those words
But I've only just realized
That I was as guilty as you

I say that I am done
But I always leave a small part of me open
Vulnerable
Susceptible
I don't mean to
But I can never seem to help it
I can't let go of the whisper inside of me
Suggesting that maybe something will change
Maybe you will do something to change my mind
Something that will prove anything
And every time
I am left disappointed
And more heartbroken than before
Because not only do I feel foolish
For the many years spent with you
But I feel foolish for continuing
To open my heart up to you
Even when I know that you are undeserving
And you prove that to me
With every lack of action
Every lack of effort
Still, I can't help but to give you infinite chances
Because I foster a love for you
So deeply inside of me
But each time that you make it clear
That you don't feel the same
That this means nothing to you
I begin to hate you
Just a little



But it adds up

Last night I dreamt that I was pregnant
It was yours
And I was happy
I walked around with a cute round bump
Attached to the front of me
I was going to give birth that evening
To a baby who weighed 5 pounds 7 ounces
It was going to be premature
Like I was
I was dress shopping with my mother
Trying on gowns
Not for a wedding
But for an announcement of our child
I wanted to feel beautiful
But nothing fit over that cute round bump
I didn't get frustrated
I kept trying on dresses
Thinking about how happy you would be
With how I looked
Once our baby was born
But still with all of the extra weight
I hoped it was a boy
And I planned to name him Dennis
-- Even though it wasn't one of the names
I picked out long ago --
That's what he would be called
Because that was your middle name
And I wanted our baby
To always be a reminder of you
Even when I found a man
Who was willing to be the father

We sat down on the bench
And you saw it in my eyes
"What's wrong?"
You asked knowingly
I looked at you
But couldn't bring myself
To say anything
I laughed at my inability
Incapable of producing any other noise
You put your hand on my knee
Never breaking eye contact
And waited patiently
Until I had the courage
To speak
Afraid of the reality
That speaking these words aloud
Would bring to light
I ****** in a deep, reluctant breath
And exhaled
"I found my father"

I thought that you were everything I wanted
And I assumed
That when I found that in a man
Things would go perfectly
You would know exactly what to do
And what to say
And how to make me feel
wanted
But we seem to have
trouble with that

I guess you're just not
What I thought you were

Who knew
The human body
Could hold so much
Expanding to accommodate
Emotions
Possessing the capacity
To contain
The spectrum of feelings
Is there a breaking point?
Because *******
It sure feels like
I'm getting
Close

I'm tired of settling
I'm tired of accepting less than I deserve
Because I've been so fixated on you
It's been you and only you
For years now
I can't tell if it's you that I loved so much
Or what I always hoped you could be
I loved you after the first three months
I loved every single thing that I learned about you
What you were interested in
What you wanted to be
What you would never fully tell me about your past
I was hooked
I thought you were everything I had ever wanted
But after those first three months
Every new thing I learned about you
Made me love you less
But I still held on to who I thought you were
In those first three months
But that was years ago
And I need to stop holding on
Because whatever I saw in you then
Is no longer there now

I know you're angry
And hurt
And you have every right to be
But please don't doubt that I'm doing this
For us
I loved you enough for the both of us
Believe what you will, but that is the truth
I know sometimes it's been hard to tell
I was careless, paranoid, insecure, immature
And I'm sorry for that
Those are my faults
You know them well
But you are not spotless, either
Neither one of us was ready
Ready for this kind of love
This kind of passion
This kind of vulnerability
But it came anyways
When we didn't ask for it
And as a result, we didn't work
Not because we were not right for eachother
But because timing and circumstances
Wouldn't allow for it
Don't you dare think
That means you don't cross my mind
Every second of every day
Don't you dare think
That I am not hurting and aching
To be with you
I think about you constantly
Miss you constantly
I miss the sound of your voice
The way you held me
Your eyes
Your arms
Your scruff
Your love
I want that all back
But I know I can't get
What I want right now
So please, promise me
That despite everything
If you are ever courageous enough
To settle down
And show off your love
And if I am ever courageous enough
To trust
We will find each other
Again

I am not giving up
I never did
I am just salvaging what we have left
So that maybe we can put it back together
When we're both ready for it
When timing and circumstances will allow it

Driving back from a numbing weekend
Distracted with liquor, drugs, sunshine, and company
I opened my first college acceptance letter
It was unexpected
And although I was beyond happy
Filled to the brim with emotions
That had been locked up for weeks
I still couldn't cry
I was happy while I was in shock
But inevitably my mind went straight to you
I was accepted to the school closest to where you are
And although I'm going to go where I want to go
I've always associated going there with us
And I couldn't even share my happiness with you
It's a great school, but you were a huge part
Of why I applied
And there I was
Trying to numb myself to your memory
But college acceptance
No matter how happy it can make you
Never fails to remind you of everything
Left behind

Many people spend their lives battling with demons
Drugs
Themselves
The past
My father, he battled alcohol
And my mother, well, she battled him

She fought with her life to give me mine
As he beat her down
And beat her up
He held my life in his hands
Clenched in his fists

She stood at the top of our staircase
Somehow never afraid of this man she loved
He was filled with delusions
Fueled by liquor
As he drunkenly climbed the stairs
Toward where she stood
Screaming obscenities
About her infidelity
He knew why she had done it
He had chosen drinking over his family
And so she had chosen another man
But there they both stood
My mother with her hand on her swollen stomach
And my father with his hand through the plaster wall
Until his head became so clouded
That his hands reached my mother
The poison pulsed through his veins
And the venom became blows to her body

She shielded her abdomen
As his hands made contact
Rattling the quiet, liquid world that I lived in
With my twin
The war was waged against us
Because we did not belong to him
Because we did not belong
To him.

He fought himself
By attacking his mistakes
Not cognizant that we
—innocent and unknowing—
Would be unable to fix his pain
But he fought anyways
To destroy us
As if our disappearance
Would erase his fault

Exhausted from fighting
He fell to knees
As tears fell down my mother’s face
And blood dripped down her inner thigh

Sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to feel loss
Before you feel existence
Sometimes I wonder if I knew
That my life could have been taken away
As easily as my twin’s
That my life was at the mercy of a man
Before my heart beat on its own
But I remained
And the strength of my mother
Granted me access into this world
This world where men fight their demons
And women fight for their voices
Not realizing that their own demons
Rest their heads on the pillow next to them

I took this semester to study abroad
I couldn't be on that campus anymore
The one where your prestige follows you
Even after you've been found guilty
But even here
In a medical classroom in the heart of São Paulo
It finds me
Your legacy, your good character
Your side of the story
It creeps in the shadows behind me
Startling me
Sending cold, damp shivers down my back
And burning black anger and fear behind my eyes
I exit the lecture and walk to the bathroom
Flexing my freshly polished fingers
Until they reach the back of my throat
And *****

Loving someone
Is wanting them to never feel pain
But I can't help hoping that you suffer
I want you to miss me
I want you to feel lonely
I want you to be destroyed
So that maybe you will understand
So that maybe you will feel a fraction
Of what I'm feeling
The pain
The emptiness
The betrayal
Maybe if you knew
Exactly how all of this felt
You would change
And learn what it feels like
To really love someone
The way that I loved you

Where did you go?
Not after you died,
But before
While you were still living
But weren’t alive
You were dead
For a long time
Before you validated it
Yourself

What made being awake
So unbearable
To make you wish
To sleep
Eternally?

Why was alcohol
And cigarettes
And ******
The only thing
You could turn to?

You had everything
Prestige
Two families
Money
But maybe it was the loss
Of respect
That affected you
most

Such a desire
To be the best
The greatest
And you no longer
Could please everyone
Or anyone
For that matter
Your fame faded
Your wife stopped
Listening
To you
And became the woman
You tried to
Prevent her
From being

You lost
All the attention
You so desperately
Needed
And filled that void
With alcohol
With cigarettes
With ******

Did that feel better?
Because apparently
It didn’t
Seeing as you
Found another
More permanent
Escape

What was the point?
Was it worth it?
Are you happy with
The even greater
Loss
Of respect?
Or the grief
Your wife
Experienced?
The guilt?
Or knowing your children
Grew up
Without you?
Without a father?
Without a man
At all?

But maybe it’s better
This way
You were no man
Anyways
And sure as hell
No father.

You held me
And at first
I held you, too
Falling back into
The same old pattern
Stroking your hair
Enjoying being
So close to you
But something
Brought me back
And I felt nothing
Total emptiness
Except for a little anger
Which no words
Could express
So I picked up my shoes
And other belongings
And walked out the door

But now I'm left wondering
In which moment
I had been weak

Giving in
Or *Giving up

It's all happening too fast
Been going on for too long now
And every time I sit down to write
I want to say the same things every time
That's when you know it's bad
I'm tired...
No, that's not the word
Apathetic?
No
Bored?
Done
I'm done
This game has grown stale
I no longer have the energy
Or desire
To try anymore
It's not worth it
I feel it deep down
And I can tell that you do, too
As days creep by
I realize more and more
That I'm okay with it
It's what I want
To let go
You feel it, too
It's nothing you can hide
And I keep extending my hands
Grabbing for you
So that I can tell you how I feel
But you keep running away
Slipping through my fingers
And you don't even realize
That the only thing I'm grasping for
Is a chance to leave

Mind wandering
Body traveling
Towards the door
Twist the key in the lock
Anticipation
For dogs yipping
And jumping
At my feet

Turn the ****
And there's
Nothing

I know I'm young
And have plenty of years to fill houses
With my every desire
-- A husband
Children
Dogs
Anything --
But that's further down the road
Not down this hallway
Not behind this door

For now, the only thing I am welcomed by
As I walk through this doorway
Is *loneliness

Defeat
I hate nothing more
Call it juvenile
Call it a flaw
It probably is
But aren't we all a little flawed?

I broke down
I ignored it
For quite some time
Tried to tell myself
Everything was okay
I knew I was lying
But telling the truth
Would admit defeat
And I couldn't do that

I can't say it did me harm
Admitting it
But maybe that's because
I can't feel a thing
Anymore
Long talks, sleepless nights
Advice I didn't want to hear
And finally,
I didn't have a choice
Defeat

I submit
To that ******* pill
Every ******* morning
And I hate it
I absolutely hate it
For now
Soon I won't know the difference
Between hate
And like
And love
But I feel better

What is better?
When I no longer
Think the way I used to
Speak the way I used to
Write
Read
Cry
Love

I was cold before
But now I'm just
Lukewarm

Make sad, sweet love to me
Hush
Don't speak
Let the emotions do the talking
Grab for
Everything you have
Always wished for
And never obtained
Claw at
Everything that has held you
Back
And kiss me
Just kiss me
Like you've never meant anything more
Transfer your pain
Onto me
I will carry it
While you carry me
Show me everything
Vulnerability
Is key
In therapy
Like this

You took your jacket back when you left for college
That should've been a sign
That you never leave anything behind
You don't let people or places have pieces of yourself
You're too afraid
Or stubborn
Or whatever
And now I look back on that time
Over a year ago
And wish I had seen it for what it was then
The only thing you left behind
Was me

Everything happened at once
I didn't expect it to
And I didn't want it to
-- or atleast I convince myself
I didn't want it to --
But here we are
You don't know it yet
But both of our lives are going to change
In just another month
And I'm terrified
I should be happy
But I find myself crying
Everytime I'm alone
And I always thought that finding you
Would fill the hole inside of me
But I don't know if it will anymore
What if it's the opposite?
What if you don't want what I want?
You have already changed everything
And you've done nothing
I'm the one with the knowledge
With the choice
And yet I'm scared
I need so much right now
But I didn't know that the hope
Of loving you
Would make me question
The love I already have

Submerged in water
Gasping for air
Blackness surrounds me
My lungs feel tight
My eyes fail me
As do my limbs
Struggling to find
A way up
Or out
But I can't find
The right direction
The surface
Any means of escape
Thrashing
Choking
Suffering
And the only way
To save myself
Is to let go
And hope that the release
Leads me to the surface
And not to the depths
Below

I fell in love with what you could be
but never were
I loved the expectations I had for you
but reality knocked me down
too many times
And I can't keep wishing on stars
for things that aren't there

Sometimes I wonder what would happen
If I grew deathly ill
Would you come see me?
Who would tell you?
I imagine that you would come
And I think about how I would spend the last bit of our time together
I don't have a clue what I would say
But I've concluded that I would lure you close enough
And strike you in the face
And if you stayed through that
I know I would want to kiss you
Just one last time

My car has been out of gas
Running on fumes
For miles now
It finally sputtered and died
As you raced onward
And I watched
Your license plate disappear
Knowing I'd never see you again

And to think of all the nights
That I cried myself to sleep
While you were probably out
Drinking a beer at some **** bar
Not thinking a single thought about me
But I guess that's how it's been
All these past two years

They say the apple doesn't fall
Far from the tree
But my oak is broken
Falling apart, bark splitting
Even the leaves leave the branches
Anticipating the trunk to timber
And fall
But you, my brother, will be there
The seed, the sapling
To hold our family together

How is it possible
To wake up
With no recollection
Of shared words
But with a feeling so strong
You can guess what they were

Ask me anything
You said, after we crawled under the comforter
And I did
I asked about
Every
Single
Thing
That had been occupying my mind
And lying on my tongue
But had never escaped
The safety of my lips
I should have told you to do the same
But you never seem to have questions
For me
Always just the answers

Kiss me everywhere*
You said, after we talked for hours
And I did
I kissed
Every
Single
Inch
Of your body
My tongue settled
Behind the certainty of my lips
As they rested upon
Your bare skin
I should have told you to do the same
But I don't think I could have enjoyed
Your kisses
As much as I enjoyed
The taste of your skin

Some may say
that we are all
by nature children of wrath
but no one needs to
prove it .

Two years ago
You told me that if
You didn't have a girlfriend
When the day came
I would be your valentine
You would bring me flowers
And I would feel special

But that never happened
Because when that day came
You had a girlfriend







And it wasn't me