I blocked you on LinkedIn today
LinkedIn
I can't believe it's gotten to this
That it is so unbearable to see your face or your success anywhere
Before I permanently removed the last remnant I had of you
I looked at your profile
You've moved to San Fransisco
I felt a pang in my chest
A hollow pinch
That I didn't know about this move before
Because for some reason
I still want to know every part of your life
Or at least the big things
The way that I used to
Whatever this is
This Stockholm syndrome of sorts
Has me deeply nestled in the palm of its hand
Beneath bony white fingers
That'll never unfurl

I loved you with everything I had
And I became more invested
Every second
I gave you my heart
And everything else
That you wanted
And didn't even know I had given you
Because that's the way that I love
I expected that from you in return
Because that's all that I know
I'm sorry I needed so much from you
I would give you second chances
For the rest of my life
If I could
I just don't have enough of me
For the both of us

You don't even need to speak
For me to love you
Just lay there
With your beautiful eyes
Your beautiful mind
And lips
That never stop singing
I can't seem to have you
Enough
When you're away
I think of all the things we will do
Planning in my mind
But the moment you're here
I don't even bother
To utter a syllable
In case I might miss something
Shhh, don't speak
Just be
Until you must leave
Feels as if you are being
Stolen from me
Because each time you go
I fear that you will go somewhere far away
And not return
To me
I would lay with you forever if I could

*But the end comes too soon
Like dreaming of angels

And leaving without them

It was everything I've ever wanted
And desperately needed
All the men in my life have left
Killed themselves, forgotten about me, moved away
And I still carry all of that pain with me
Never able to let go of it
And I am terrified
Of what you might do
You're already so far away
And it's hard to convince myself
That despite the distance
You're still here
With me
I'm sorry
For everything
Just know that I need you
And that I wish last night
Could've lasted forever

I thought I was over this
-- Done with the pain
Of losing a father
A man who wasn’t even a dad
And even less of one
Than I had previously thought --
But grief is a tricky thing
It presents itself
When everything seems
To be going well
For once.

You left me
For good
A long time ago
And your memory left, too
But it’s taunting me again
With thoughts
And questions
Of what might have been
If you were a different person
And if I was who you had hoped I was
But knew I wasn’t
Or if you had been
Content enough
To continue living.

I truly believe
It’s best that you left
Permanently
But I can’t help
Wondering.

Nine months
Seems like years since I've seen you
But only days stand between you and me now
And with that first glance
I know all my fear and sorrow will evaporate
From my being
And instead I will cling to you
For you are much warmer
Much wiser
Than what previously held onto me

I will release those things willingly
For your tweed suit jackets
Your round glasses
Thick beard
And ancient knowledge
I will welcome the man who knows me
And reminds me who I am
When I don't realize that I am lost
For nine months is much too long
But only a
few
more
days

Satisfaction is a funny thing
Smile on my face
Love in my heart
But some sort of emptiness
Overwhelms the senses

What is missing
When everything
I thought I wanted
Is right in front of me?
Held in my finger tips?
What more
Could I want?

Maybe if I knew
I wouldn't be sitting
With such an emptiness
Inside of me

It wasn't about me, was it?
It was about all of them
I was never the one
I was merely one of many
But just know that for me
It was always about you.

*******.
I know you loved her
And I know you lied
About everything
I just want you to stop being a coward
Be a man
And tell me the truth
About everything
So I can move past this hate
And let go of it all.

You set fire
To our temple
And walked away
As it burned
Never looking back
Not even a peek
Over your broad shoulder
Three weeks
You roamed through the land
Occupying yourself
With travels and objects
That caught your eye
Until you tired
And prayed
For a place to rest
Your thoughts darted
To that temple
Such wonderful shelter
And shade
It had provided
You carefully find your way back
To the ruins
Only broken pieces of heavy stone
Remain
Even the ashes
Blew away
With the wind
And silence
You observe the fragments
Searching for a way
To build it all back up
Again
But weeks had gone by
Since it stood
The structure was gone
As were the ashes
So you settled for a stone
To rest upon
With palms turned to the sky
You pray for that temple
To rise up again
But you know better
Than to expect
A holy place
To be erected
From less
Than
Ash

I approach the day with a brave smile
And wear it for everyone to see
I surround myself with peers, friends, loved ones
And I feel okay
I manage to make it through
Thinking it's not so bad
That maybe this will be the turning point
And things will finally get better
But when I turn off the lights
And crawl into bed
I realize just how terribly lonely I am

I believe in your writing
I believe in you
And I'd give up luxury
To eat ramen with you
Sit silently while you write
Listen, revise
Every night
For years
Until you were as successful
As I know you can be

And I know that's not
What you're looking for right now
But know that it's out there
So when you're ready
Don't settle
For anything less