I'm used to being abandoned by the men in my life
But that never makes it any easier
I was always a dreamer
And a part of me still is
I let my hopes grow too big
Filled with hot air
Only for them to float away from me
Disappearing
Like everything else
Naturally I've built up a wall
But people always find a way to sneak in
And usually walk right out
Once I've opened the doors
You could say I have trust issues
But there's always a moment
When I open myself up
Completely
It scares the hell out of me
But I do it anyways
For the chance at something bigger than myself
The only problem
Is that I don't do well with vulnerability
I worry, I doubt
But only because
Having another man walk out of my life
-- Especially you --
Would be too much to bear.

Everything seems to come full circle
Different ages, different people
But it's all the same
No one has "changed"
And I doubt anyone has tried
I'm as guilty as others
But I'm paying for it now
Only a couple years later
And I'm exactly in her position
I remember feeling pity for her
Pity that she had found out
Pity that she had fallen for it
And I was content
-- A little broken, but content --
Because I felt like the victor
With you as my prize
But who knows how long
That even lasted for
Here I am
I've fallen for it
I've fallen for you
Just to be right back where we started
But this time
I'll be the girl who loses

I'm tired
Tired of feeling this way
Tired of fighting
Of trying
Of lying
That I'm fine

I want to sleep
For days
But dreams haunt me
Daunting

I'm treading water
Drowning, drowsy
In a vast pool
Of memories
Experiences
Emotions
Suppressive weights
Heavier than the
Sleep
That draws my eyelids
To a close

Fighting to let myself
Drift away
Fighting to keep
My eyes open

But I'm too
****
*Tired

You need to get your **** together
Figure out who you are
Because no girl is going to
Play these games with you
Trying to determine which mask
The real you stands behind
It's a game they'll never win
And it's only a matter of time
Until they find out

Mopeds, Mercedes
Dandelions and daisies
Churches
Mosques
Women masked
Exposed eyes
Revealing
More than the body
Ever could.
Lingerie
Sold openly on the street
Olives
By the kilogram
To fast-talking
Fast-walking
Men and women
Young and old.
Ancient ruins,
Ruined
The fall of one civilization
Destroyed
Merely to give rise
To one that will
Only hope to make men
Worth remembering.
Mystery lies
In the lives of artifacts
Bare finger tips
Graze over frescoes
Religion
Art
Expression
Litters every corner
Accompanied by waste
And poppies
Blood red
Amidst the gray haze
Of cigarette smoke
And pollution
Clouding the view
Of snowcapped mountains
Diamond lakes
Undisturbed
Surrounded by
Mopeds, Mercedes
Dandelions and Daisies

He was sitting in a burgundy chair, a glass of whiskey in his hand
slowly taking a sip, eyes fixated on the display in front of him
A young girl
tall, thin, brunette
Standing in a slinky dress and too-high heels
misplaced in his garish living room
Another gulp of whiskey
He knew he needed to slow down
The edges of his vision were blurring, and he didn't want to miss this
It wasn't the first, not even close
But this one was different
Something in her eyes... he couldn't look away
He shook the wandering thoughts out of his head,
not allowing his sight to falter
She stared back, not a bit of fear painted on her face
She grabbed one strap between her thumb and index finger
delicately pushing it off her shoulder
She briefly looked in the full length mirror to her left
before smoothly lifting the dress over her head
and casually draping it on a chair behind her
She tipped forward and rolled down her stockings
remarkably steady in her stilettos
She did it with grace
but with a fire blazing behind her thick lashes
He leaned back, wishing he had another ice cube for his drink
but not daring to move
She reached both hands behind her back
pushing out her chest
Thin fingers effortlessly found the clasp
and released her *******
She let her bra fall, not wasting the time
to place it with her dress
She stood, relishing in her liberation
brushing a strand of dark hair behind her shoulder
Her ******* were small but firm
sitting high and round on her chest
Her confidence condensed on her skin
and evaporated as he took a sharp inhale
He stared
and she stared back
Her fingers found the waist of her thong
slipping it off
Poised, she allowed the room and her spectator
to soak in the sight
of her fully exposed body
He sat, numb to her naked figure
and she, to his unwavering gaze
They remained like that
burning holes into each other's skin
savoring the divergence
He absorbed himself in liquor
and women
but he wasn't looking for ***
And she, she undressed herself
in front of men she didn't know
but she didn't want their money
She stood, tensing
and he gripped his glass
both hardened to the outside world
finding an escape in drugs,
each of a different kind
He finished his whiskey and blinked
She slowly collected her clothes
not bothering to put them back on
She grabbed her coat and let herself out
neither one saying a word
He sat, motionless
with the image of her etched
on the space behind his eyes
Just another scar
to become numb to

stay busy
fill every moment
with thoughts to fill my mind
to occupy my senses
divert my eyes
distract my heart
stay busy
I've been deceiving myself
or is this the deception?
I acknowledged it
I accepted it
but what if
I didn't?

With the first free moment
in weeks
I see clearly
or unclearly
I can't tell
all I know is that I hate
not being busy
being alone
and it doesn't help
that you've disappeared
from home
from my life
from the face of the earth
stay busy*
and I'll survive

Can people ever really change?
If something is a part of you at one time
Wouldn't it stay a part of you forever?
I'd like to think that people grow up
Grow wiser as they grow older
But who's to say what comes with age
I hope for the best
But deep down inside of me
I haven't forgotten
I had trust issues before you
And I had trust issues because of you
Maybe, just maybe... people can change
But people can never forget
You were awful to so many
You hurt so many
And maybe I'd be able to forgive that
If I weren't one of those many
That you knowingly hurt
And the worst part is
You were perfectly okay with it.

For a long while I lay next to you
Sheltering myself from your fan
And listening to you breathe
I touched your face
But you refused to wake
So I grabbed my things
And stole a kiss before I left
The only one I had received that night
And like so many times before
I snuck out the back
And trekked to my car in the dark
I didn't realize I had left
Until I was halfway home
Choking out lyrics to a CD
That I will never be able to listen to
Without thinking of you
After so many times
You would think I'd be used to you
Leaving
But each time it's the same
Taking the downtown exit
With blurred sight
Only able to make out light
And color

Black ashes of fear
Fell atop the city of our love
Preserving it as it was
Set in stone
We were too ignorant to see our demise
As it erupted
Right before us
Filling the sky with ominous, black clouds
That loomed overhead
Warning us of the destruction to come
Our fall was impending
Imminent
But we were naive
Swallowed in the dark
Choking on smoke and ash
But it was too late to run
And salvage what we could

Now nothing is left
But the dust and rubble
Of the city we once worshipped
Only the ruins
Remain

I can see it in your eyes
The fear of getting too close
You hide it well
With your playful smile and gentle touches
You convince people that you’re okay
But I can see that you’re not
I can smell it
You shine like the sun
But the sun is destined to burn out, right?
You know it, too
You try and hold off your destruction
By shutting people out
But that won’t help
I know you’ve been hurt
Abandoned by the ones you love
Left to figure things out on your own
But don’t hide behind your strength
Let it define you
I know you’re afraid
That the blackness inside of you
Will scare everyone away
But the ones that stay
Are the ones that count
You’ve been left alone before, I know
But you can’t expect
Every new man in your life to do the same
Some will, I can’t deny that
But you will never find the man who will stick around
If you don’t allow yourself to see him
Lift your head up, sweetheart
Wipe your tears
Shed your fears
And let everyone see the light in you
I promise that it will outshine the darkness
What do I know, right?
I’m just a teenager
But don’t let outward appearances fool you
Because somewhere hidden
To the naked eye
Are the same secrets and scars
That you see branded on your skin
And if you take the chance
To look close enough
You’ll see mine, too

My period is nine days late
And I still hate myself for having loved you
I guess this is just my luck
I should have noticed sooner
But I was so overwhelmed with grief
That I couldn't see past the emptiness I felt
It's ironic how my body is no longer empty
And I am no longer alone
You caused those feelings
And with no intention of doing it yourself
A part of you reversed them
I'm sure you're having fun
With your great girl
And your great life
Not thinking a single thought about me
While any chance I had of getting over you
Disappeared within an instant
And now I must make a decision
Whether I hate or love
This piece of you inside me

I hesitate each time
the words I love you
rest raw and desperate
upon my lips
Not because I am unsure
or indecisive
of the weight those words carry
but because I am afraid
that the following
silence
might **** me

Thought I didn't love you anymore
And I'm still pretty sure that I don't
But my emotions are running wild
And I can't seem to keep them in check
Stay as far away as you can
I don't want to drag you into this mess that I am

Why is it that every time
I fall more in love with you
You feel farther away
As soon as it feels like we're getting close to something
You take a step back
Hesitant
Scared
Reluctant
As if you're resistant to let things get
Too good
Afraid of how you may feel
And what it could become
I meant what I said
When I told you I would do
Anything
For you
You're not easy to love
But I'm still here
And I will be
Until you force me to leave
You have nothing to be afraid of
Let me in
And I promise
That everything will be okay

We can both be winners
In this game
If you let us

I know I've hurt you
But I am not emotionless in this mess
I am filled with guilt
And the sting of your rejection
This can't really be it
....can it?
I haven't shed more than a single tear
In a few weeks now
And anytime something happens
I wait for my inevitable break down
But it is still yet to come
Taunting me
I'm lonely
And upset
And heartsick
But my body won't let me release those feelings
Meticulously torturing me
So I turn to drugs
To alcohol
Experiences
Companionship
To ensure that I feel nothing
And although my head is filled with fog
I can feel his hand behind my back
My fingers behind his head
And I can see your image behind my eyes
Taste your name behind my teeth  
But it is poison to my tongue now
And I must swallow it away
Before it escapes my lips
And betrays my composure
Disguising self-preservation

I hate love
Because everyone I love
Loves somebody else
My father is happy
With his new wife
and his three beautiful daughters
I was never taken into account
When he fell in love
And forgot about me
The man that I loved
Found happiness with someone else
I guess I was never that girl
Never the one to make him happy
Otherwise he would've loved me, too
My bestfriend doesn't care
She is head over heels
For a boy she met four weeks ago
So our seven year friendship
Now means nothing
Compared to the promise of love

I can't keep being nothing
To the people I make priorities
I feel worthless
I just want to be the one for somebody
For anybody
Because I feel like the sidelines
Have been my home
For the past eighteen years
And it's times like these
That make me want to break down
And call you
I know I shouldn't
But maybe, just maybe
You would make me feel loved

I need a win
Any small victory
Amidst these losses
Continual letdowns
Consecutive defeats
Constant calamities
When will it end?
I dress in armor,
But it does no good
For every time I attempt
To repair one impairment
A gust of misfortune
Knocks yet another
Piece out of place
Is it too much to ask
To find myself among laurels
Just for a moment?

My love for you is like the ocean
Dark, mysterious
Omnipotent
It's always there
Even when I'm not looking for it

It comes in waves
Waves of passion
Emotion
Sentiment
Even lethargy

I can't always see
The source of the waves
But they come
In and out
Nevertheless
Receding
From the shallows
Into the deep
And back again

Constant waves
Controlled by the moon alone
Soothe me to sleep
And lure me awake

The ocean, those waves
Always there but
****, they can be so hard to bear  

There's a very small
Physical difference
Between swimming
And drowning
At first
-- It is the outcome
That defines the action --

"Forgive me, Father,
For I have sinned"
Is what my father should have said
If he had been religious
Or able to admit
That he was a horrible man
At the end

Who were you?
At the end
No man I knew
Your essence
Was liquor
Your character
Alcohol
Your spirit
Spirits

The numbness
Took over
Sickness
Diseasing
The mind
Plaguing
The soul
Infiltrating
The veins

Corrupting
Abruptly
The human aspect
Degenerating
Generations
But you don’t even
See that
Anymore
Do you?

Eyes glassed over
From champagne
Whiskers
From whiskey
Who are you
Now?

Cat and mouse
You and the bottle
But I can’t tell
Which is which
Anymore
Running in circles
Tangled up
Into one

So tell me
Was it you
Or the liquor
That pulled
The trigger?

I'm about to bring a new man into my life
And I think that's going to mean
Letting you go
I suffer so much pain and heartache with you
And I can't have that with my new man, too
There will be a lot of uncertainty with him
I already know that
But there can also be a lot of happiness
I already love you
But I have the chance at loving him
And that means everything to me right now
I just don't know if I can handle the stress
Of having both of you in my life

Memories haunt me
Experiences at such a young age
Linger like ghosts

With my father in the river
His hand on my shoulder
Walking behind me down the hall
He was always possessive
It still is hard for him
To let go of what is his
But he didn't seem to have much trouble
Leaving
Without saying goodbye
In reflections
I didn't see him standing there
I saw him in me
His face overlapping mine
He had a head on his shoulders
But his feet never touched the ground

Where could I go
When I was afraid of home?
So thankful to leave that
Haunted house
Behind
Where monsters didn't live
Under the bed
But slept in the room
Down the hall

Do you remember
Our first date?
I spent so long
Deciding what to wear
Cliche, I know
But I couldn't help it
I felt like a little girl
Had been quite some time
Since I felt like that
And I loved it

You picked me up
In your beat up car
I loved so much
You wore a red striped button down
And took time
To make your hair look nice
Such boyish charm
It was something I hadn't
Seen in you
Before
And I loved it

I was so nervous
Didn't want to say the wrong thing
But probably said too much
We talked about our dreams
Our goals
And everything in between
While we held hands across the table
And sheepishly looked away
While we ate
We sat long after we finished eating
Because I got carried away
In a story
You smiled, never said a word
And I loved it

You tried to kiss me
Remember?
It took everything in me
To say no
You always were persistent
But it was a different kind
Of persistence then
So sweet and innocent
Nonjudgmental, unassuming
sincere
And I loved it

We ate ice cream
And talked
And sat in that beat up old car
You looked at me
The way every girl wants to be
Looked at
Gave me that bashful grin
And I couldn't resist
I surrendered in that instant
To you
We stayed out late
Not caring about
Tomorrow's obligations
And I loved it

We laughed when the car
Wouldn't start
You were so embarrassed
And vulnerable
Remember?
I miss that
You were everything I had wanted
That first date
Was perfect in all its flaws
And I loved you

I'm done writing love poems about you
you don't deserve them
you don't need the extra confidence boost
and I'm tired of feeding your already oversized ego
Don't look for them anymore
Don't look for me anymore

I'm perfectly fine without you
I just never wanted to figure that out

I remember that night so vividly
I was a mess of mixed emotions
even before you told me you loved me
I was resistant
out of fear to fall fully back into you
without you truly being there
to catch me
I feared you were just a mirage
And would disappear at any moment
You had a firm grip on my arm
and looked me in the eye
said the words I had waited
two years to hear
I love you
And I couldn't even say them back
So many nights
I had dreamt of that moment
if and when you finally told me
but it was much different
than I imagined
I didn't think
there could ever be bad timing
for dreams to come true
Yet I couldn't help but not believe you
As deeply as I care
and hope that you feel the same
I can't help but wonder
If it was just a slip
Of the tongue

It is always said
That you're attracted
To people who resemble
Your parents
But I hate my father
And rejoice in the loss
Of him

He took himself out
Of my life
At a young age
But could those
Formative years
Still hold on to
That memory
And subconsciously search
For someone
Just
Like
Him?

I see so much
Good
In you
But he was
A good man
Once
Too

Intelligence
Dreams
Depth
Everything I look for
In a man
But I wonder
If you carry
The dark side
Of those attributes

You admire
"Men"
Who were identical
To my father
At the end
Of his life
Disregard
Detachment
Liquor
All of his
Downfalls
You aspire for

I love you
Now
But what man
Will you become
Later?
One who
Succumbs
To alcoholism?
Thrives
In solitude?
Abandons
His family?

*******
I hope not

Every moment is fleeting
Every feeling is fleeting
But each feeling
Comes from somewhere
Some sort of trigger
Whether it be an occurrence
A word, a whisper, a want, a war
It all comes from something
Even if that something
Lives deep in a dark part of ourselves
That we never wanted to know
Existed

I cried the whole way home
Gasping for air
Body overcome by sobs
I didn't see them coming
Until it was too late
I turned my head
And stared death in the face
I was stuck in time
As I watched the truck crush the driver side of my car
Killing me on contact
That last thing I felt was heartbreak
To the point that I was numb to the physical pain
And when they pulled my lifeless body out of the car
They could see my swollen face
And the tears dried upon my cheeks
And they could hear our song on repeat
It sure as hell wasn't the way I wanted to go
But you were the last thing on my mind
And the last name on my lips

When you're really sick
You realize
Who your true friends are
The ones that really care about you
For who you are
I don't need balloons
Or chocolate
Or teddy bears
I just need to know someone's there
And those presents mean a lot to me
But the thought behind it
Means the world

The worst part is,
If I was laying in a hospital bed
No makeup
Not showered
An IV in my arm
And my mom by my side
I don't know
If you would be there

Before I see the break of dawn
I see your face behind my lids
And keep my eyes shut untill you're gone

I dream of when we were kids
When kissing was only spelt in songs
Allowing what my mind usually forbids

But it does not cloak, it only prolongs
Waking up to a bright morning and empty bed
A vacant shadow where your body belongs

Filled with longing and words unsaid
To me, I wish to bring you home
Wiping my eyes, I turn my head

Imagine the scent of your cologne
Born from a depth so deep
I momentarily forget that I'm alone

You may not be mine to keep
But I'll see you when I fall asleep

Late night, early morning drives
The time when I wonder
How close I can get to death
Without dying
Sitting in a vessel
Much safer than my body
My mind can't help but wander
To other places
Intentionally placing my design
In the hands of the outside
I feel empty
Light enough to float
Yet slight enough to fall
Your smell
Still lingers on my sheets
But what will it matter
In an instant
Oncoming traffic
Fraying the string that
The Fates so diligently measure
But there's always that force
That pulls me back again
-- although unwillingly --
Knowing that I do not control
The evasion of death

Everyone wants someone who knows their own heart
Knows their pain
And makes it dissipate
Someone who understands
Relates
Alleviates
But is that always enough?
Can someone truly know
The pain
One goes through?
Often times
Words are muttered
Of how one knows what you're feeling
Knows what you're thinking
What you're going through
And maybe it's all with good intention
Innocence
But innocence doesn't help ****
When it was stolen
Long ago
Under the nose of ignorance
And you were left alone
Long ago
It's what you know
It's what you've always known
And it's hard to form new habits
When the old ones
Rooted themselves
So long ago