Extended family
Slowly rocking on the porch of ******* Barrel
I smile and laugh, rocking with the flow of conversation

My wife refuses to take ambien now
After she woke up one night
and found me with a huge grin on my face

Keep rocking
Keep smiling
Small chuckles from my family around me

She never would've noticed!

I'm sure that's not the first time
she's slept through that

Well, as long as she didn't say "no"

The smile slips from my lips
Keep rocking
Eyes down, unable to look to my father's face
In case he is also laughing

I fall into myself
Cross my legs
~My subconscious defense~

Keep rocking
Digging my fingernails into my left arm
Right above the four dots inked into my wrist
Marking my skin to convince me
That I have control over my body
That past violations don't define me

Keep rocking
Uncles laughing
Still clenching my teeth
Drawing small crescents of blood
Beneath my chipped nails
Anything to distract from the images
Flashing behind my averted eyes

I loosen my grip
Raise my head
To see that not
One
Single
Person
Has noticed my internal plea

The fear in my eyes
The tension between my thighs

Keep rocking
Keep rocking

Blood doesn't mean you're family
Family doesn't mean you're safe

I took this semester to study abroad
I couldn't be on that campus anymore
The one where your prestige follows you
Even after you've been found guilty
But even here
In a medical classroom in the heart of São Paulo
It finds me
Your legacy, your good character
Your side of the story
It creeps in the shadows behind me
Startling me
Sending cold, damp shivers down my back
And burning black anger and fear behind my eyes
I exit the lecture and walk to the bathroom
Flexing my freshly polished fingers
Until they reach the back of my throat
And *****

I blocked you on LinkedIn today
LinkedIn
I can't believe it's gotten to this
That it is so unbearable to see your face or your success anywhere
Before I permanently removed the last remnant I had of you
I looked at your profile
You've moved to San Fransisco
I felt a pang in my chest
A hollow pinch
That I didn't know about this move before
Because for some reason
I still want to know every part of your life
Or at least the big things
The way that I used to
Whatever this is
This Stockholm syndrome of sorts
Has me deeply nestled in the palm of its hand
Beneath bony white fingers
That'll never unfurl

Many people spend their lives battling with demons
Drugs
Themselves
The past
My father, he battled alcohol
And my mother, well, she battled him

She fought with her life to give me mine
As he beat her down
And beat her up
He held my life in his hands
Clenched in his fists

She stood at the top of our staircase
Somehow never afraid of this man she loved
He was filled with delusions
Fueled by liquor
As he drunkenly climbed the stairs
Toward where she stood
Screaming obscenities
About her infidelity
He knew why she had done it
He had chosen drinking over his family
And so she had chosen another man
But there they both stood
My mother with her hand on her swollen stomach
And my father with his hand through the plaster wall
Until his head became so clouded
That his hands reached my mother
The poison pulsed through his veins
And the venom became blows to her body

She shielded her abdomen
As his hands made contact
Rattling the quiet, liquid world that I lived in
With my twin
The war was waged against us
Because we did not belong to him
Because we did not belong
To him.

He fought himself
By attacking his mistakes
Not cognizant that we
—innocent and unknowing—
Would be unable to fix his pain
But he fought anyways
To destroy us
As if our disappearance
Would erase his fault

Exhausted from fighting
He fell to knees
As tears fell down my mother’s face
And blood dripped down her inner thigh

Sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to feel loss
Before you feel existence
Sometimes I wonder if I knew
That my life could have been taken away
As easily as my twin’s
That my life was at the mercy of a man
Before my heart beat on its own
But I remained
And the strength of my mother
Granted me access into this world
This world where men fight their demons
And women fight for their voices
Not realizing that their own demons
Rest their heads on the pillow next to them

For a long while I lay next to you
Sheltering myself from your fan
And listening to you breathe
I touched your face
But you refused to wake
So I grabbed my things
And stole a kiss before I left
The only one I had received that night
And like so many times before
I snuck out the back
And trekked to my car in the dark
I didn't realize I had left
Until I was halfway home
Choking out lyrics to a CD
That I will never be able to listen to
Without thinking of you
After so many times
You would think I'd be used to you
Leaving
But each time it's the same
Taking the downtown exit
With blurred sight
Only able to make out light
And color

Before I see the break of dawn
I see your face behind my lids
And keep my eyes shut untill you're gone

I dream of when we were kids
When kissing was only spelt in songs
Allowing what my mind usually forbids

But it does not cloak, it only prolongs
Waking up to a bright morning and empty bed
A vacant shadow where your body belongs

Filled with longing and words unsaid
To me, I wish to bring you home
Wiping my eyes, I turn my head

Imagine the scent of your cologne
Born from a depth so deep
I momentarily forget that I'm alone

You may not be mine to keep
But I'll see you when I fall asleep

I know I've hurt you
But I am not emotionless in this mess
I am filled with guilt
And the sting of your rejection
This can't really be it
....can it?
I haven't shed more than a single tear
In a few weeks now
And anytime something happens
I wait for my inevitable break down
But it is still yet to come
Taunting me
I'm lonely
And upset
And heartsick
But my body won't let me release those feelings
Meticulously torturing me
So I turn to drugs
To alcohol
Experiences
Companionship
To ensure that I feel nothing
And although my head is filled with fog
I can feel his hand behind my back
My fingers behind his head
And I can see your image behind my eyes
Taste your name behind my teeth  
But it is poison to my tongue now
And I must swallow it away
Before it escapes my lips
And betrays my composure
Disguising self-preservation

Driving back from a numbing weekend
Distracted with liquor, drugs, sunshine, and company
I opened my first college acceptance letter
It was unexpected
And although I was beyond happy
Filled to the brim with emotions
That had been locked up for weeks
I still couldn't cry
I was happy while I was in shock
But inevitably my mind went straight to you
I was accepted to the school closest to where you are
And although I'm going to go where I want to go
I've always associated going there with us
And I couldn't even share my happiness with you
It's a great school, but you were a huge part
Of why I applied
And there I was
Trying to numb myself to your memory
But college acceptance
No matter how happy it can make you
Never fails to remind you of everything
Left behind

I don't go out much
More than I used to, but still not much
Because I hate coming home
To unlocked doors
And both sides of her bed turned down
The angel that lives upstairs
Hides dark secrets in and under her bed
It's nothing that should concern me
Yet it is everything
It took me years to forgive her
For conceiving me with a man
Who wasn't her husband
Even though I now understand
And have forgiven her
But she has no excuse for kissing married men
Who come to fix our TV
Or sleeping with her accountant
When she is oh so in love with her perfect boyfriend
I can't help but be upset by it
I know I've committed my fair share of sins
But I'm still learning
And I think what angers me most
Is that she is the woman I've looked up to
My whole life
Despite her poisoning my memories of my father who's not my dad
Despite pitying her childhood and taking it out on me
Despite her nonexistent self-confidence that leaves her bedroom door open
And in all honesty,
I didn't have anyone else
I know she is a strong, compassionate woman
But deep down I wonder
If all my insecurities
All my inabilities to happily be in love
All the things ****** up in my head
Stemmed from the only role model
I've ever had

I know you're angry
And hurt
And you have every right to be
But please don't doubt that I'm doing this
For us
I loved you enough for the both of us
Believe what you will, but that is the truth
I know sometimes it's been hard to tell
I was careless, paranoid, insecure, immature
And I'm sorry for that
Those are my faults
You know them well
But you are not spotless, either
Neither one of us was ready
Ready for this kind of love
This kind of passion
This kind of vulnerability
But it came anyways
When we didn't ask for it
And as a result, we didn't work
Not because we were not right for eachother
But because timing and circumstances
Wouldn't allow for it
Don't you dare think
That means you don't cross my mind
Every second of every day
Don't you dare think
That I am not hurting and aching
To be with you
I think about you constantly
Miss you constantly
I miss the sound of your voice
The way you held me
Your eyes
Your arms
Your scruff
Your love
I want that all back
But I know I can't get
What I want right now
So please, promise me
That despite everything
If you are ever courageous enough
To settle down
And show off your love
And if I am ever courageous enough
To trust
We will find each other
Again

I am not giving up
I never did
I am just salvaging what we have left
So that maybe we can put it back together
When we're both ready for it
When timing and circumstances will allow it

Two years ago
You told me that if
You didn't have a girlfriend
When the day came
I would be your valentine
You would bring me flowers
And I would feel special

But that never happened
Because when that day came
You had a girlfriend







And it wasn't me

*******.
I know you loved her
And I know you lied
About everything
I just want you to stop being a coward
Be a man
And tell me the truth
About everything
So I can move past this hate
And let go of it all.

And to think of all the nights
That I cried myself to sleep
While you were probably out
Drinking a beer at some **** bar
Not thinking a single thought about me
But I guess that's how it's been
All these past two years

Sometimes I wonder what would happen
If I grew deathly ill
Would you come see me?
Who would tell you?
I imagine that you would come
And I think about how I would spend the last bit of our time together
I don't have a clue what I would say
But I've concluded that I would lure you close enough
And strike you in the face
And if you stayed through that
I know I would want to kiss you
Just one last time

You took your jacket back when you left for college
That should've been a sign
That you never leave anything behind
You don't let people or places have pieces of yourself
You're too afraid
Or stubborn
Or whatever
And now I look back on that time
Over a year ago
And wish I had seen it for what it was then
The only thing you left behind
Was me

My period is nine days late
And I still hate myself for having loved you
I guess this is just my luck
I should have noticed sooner
But I was so overwhelmed with grief
That I couldn't see past the emptiness I felt
It's ironic how my body is no longer empty
And I am no longer alone
You caused those feelings
And with no intention of doing it yourself
A part of you reversed them
I'm sure you're having fun
With your great girl
And your great life
Not thinking a single thought about me
While any chance I had of getting over you
Disappeared within an instant
And now I must make a decision
Whether I hate or love
This piece of you inside me

I hate love
Because everyone I love
Loves somebody else
My father is happy
With his new wife
and his three beautiful daughters
I was never taken into account
When he fell in love
And forgot about me
The man that I loved
Found happiness with someone else
I guess I was never that girl
Never the one to make him happy
Otherwise he would've loved me, too
My bestfriend doesn't care
She is head over heels
For a boy she met four weeks ago
So our seven year friendship
Now means nothing
Compared to the promise of love

I can't keep being nothing
To the people I make priorities
I feel worthless
I just want to be the one for somebody
For anybody
Because I feel like the sidelines
Have been my home
For the past eighteen years
And it's times like these
That make me want to break down
And call you
I know I shouldn't
But maybe, just maybe
You would make me feel loved

I'm done writing love poems about you
you don't deserve them
you don't need the extra confidence boost
and I'm tired of feeding your already oversized ego
Don't look for them anymore
Don't look for me anymore

I'm perfectly fine without you
I just never wanted to figure that out

Loving someone
Is wanting them to never feel pain
But I can't help hoping that you suffer
I want you to miss me
I want you to feel lonely
I want you to be destroyed
So that maybe you will understand
So that maybe you will feel a fraction
Of what I'm feeling
The pain
The emptiness
The betrayal
Maybe if you knew
Exactly how all of this felt
You would change
And learn what it feels like
To really love someone
The way that I loved you

I cried the whole way home
Gasping for air
Body overcome by sobs
I didn't see them coming
Until it was too late
I turned my head
And stared death in the face
I was stuck in time
As I watched the truck crush the driver side of my car
Killing me on contact
That last thing I felt was heartbreak
To the point that I was numb to the physical pain
And when they pulled my lifeless body out of the car
They could see my swollen face
And the tears dried upon my cheeks
And they could hear our song on repeat
It sure as hell wasn't the way I wanted to go
But you were the last thing on my mind
And the last name on my lips

I say that I am done
But I always leave a small part of me open
Vulnerable
Susceptible
I don't mean to
But I can never seem to help it
I can't let go of the whisper inside of me
Suggesting that maybe something will change
Maybe you will do something to change my mind
Something that will prove anything
And every time
I am left disappointed
And more heartbroken than before
Because not only do I feel foolish
For the many years spent with you
But I feel foolish for continuing
To open my heart up to you
Even when I know that you are undeserving
And you prove that to me
With every lack of action
Every lack of effort
Still, I can't help but to give you infinite chances
Because I foster a love for you
So deeply inside of me
But each time that you make it clear
That you don't feel the same
That this means nothing to you
I begin to hate you
Just a little



But it adds up

It wasn't about me, was it?
It was about all of them
I was never the one
I was merely one of many
But just know that for me
It was always about you.

I never thought I would become
The kind of girl I hated
The type of girl who would derive happiness solely from a man
The type of girl who would change herself wholly for a man
Put a man before herself
Love a man more than herself
But here I am
I've been led through hell and back
Become the girl I hate for the man that I love
And look where it got me
Now I remember why I wanted to be different
From all those other girls
Why I wanted to be stronger
More independent
Because every time I give myself to someone
They convince me that I should never do it again

I'm tired of settling
I'm tired of accepting less than I deserve
Because I've been so fixated on you
It's been you and only you
For years now
I can't tell if it's you that I loved so much
Or what I always hoped you could be
I loved you after the first three months
I loved every single thing that I learned about you
What you were interested in
What you wanted to be
What you would never fully tell me about your past
I was hooked
I thought you were everything I had ever wanted
But after those first three months
Every new thing I learned about you
Made me love you less
But I still held on to who I thought you were
In those first three months
But that was years ago
And I need to stop holding on
Because whatever I saw in you then
Is no longer there now

Everything seems to come full circle
Different ages, different people
But it's all the same
No one has "changed"
And I doubt anyone has tried
I'm as guilty as others
But I'm paying for it now
Only a couple years later
And I'm exactly in her position
I remember feeling pity for her
Pity that she had found out
Pity that she had fallen for it
And I was content
-- A little broken, but content --
Because I felt like the victor
With you as my prize
But who knows how long
That even lasted for
Here I am
I've fallen for it
I've fallen for you
Just to be right back where we started
But this time
I'll be the girl who loses

I'm about to bring a new man into my life
And I think that's going to mean
Letting you go
I suffer so much pain and heartache with you
And I can't have that with my new man, too
There will be a lot of uncertainty with him
I already know that
But there can also be a lot of happiness
I already love you
But I have the chance at loving him
And that means everything to me right now
I just don't know if I can handle the stress
Of having both of you in my life

Can people ever really change?
If something is a part of you at one time
Wouldn't it stay a part of you forever?
I'd like to think that people grow up
Grow wiser as they grow older
But who's to say what comes with age
I hope for the best
But deep down inside of me
I haven't forgotten
I had trust issues before you
And I had trust issues because of you
Maybe, just maybe... people can change
But people can never forget
You were awful to so many
You hurt so many
And maybe I'd be able to forgive that
If I weren't one of those many
That you knowingly hurt
And the worst part is
You were perfectly okay with it.

I can see it in your eyes
The fear of getting too close
You hide it well
With your playful smile and gentle touches
You convince people that you’re okay
But I can see that you’re not
I can smell it
You shine like the sun
But the sun is destined to burn out, right?
You know it, too
You try and hold off your destruction
By shutting people out
But that won’t help
I know you’ve been hurt
Abandoned by the ones you love
Left to figure things out on your own
But don’t hide behind your strength
Let it define you
I know you’re afraid
That the blackness inside of you
Will scare everyone away
But the ones that stay
Are the ones that count
You’ve been left alone before, I know
But you can’t expect
Every new man in your life to do the same
Some will, I can’t deny that
But you will never find the man who will stick around
If you don’t allow yourself to see him
Lift your head up, sweetheart
Wipe your tears
Shed your fears
And let everyone see the light in you
I promise that it will outshine the darkness
What do I know, right?
I’m just a teenager
But don’t let outward appearances fool you
Because somewhere hidden
To the naked eye
Are the same secrets and scars
That you see branded on your skin
And if you take the chance
To look close enough
You’ll see mine, too

I'm used to being abandoned by the men in my life
But that never makes it any easier
I was always a dreamer
And a part of me still is
I let my hopes grow too big
Filled with hot air
Only for them to float away from me
Disappearing
Like everything else
Naturally I've built up a wall
But people always find a way to sneak in
And usually walk right out
Once I've opened the doors
You could say I have trust issues
But there's always a moment
When I open myself up
Completely
It scares the hell out of me
But I do it anyways
For the chance at something bigger than myself
The only problem
Is that I don't do well with vulnerability
I worry, I doubt
But only because
Having another man walk out of my life
-- Especially you --
Would be too much to bear.

Every time I close my eyes
I'm back in that bed
Nothing mattered but me & you
You curled me into you
Pushed my hair aside
And kissed me
Tenderly in the hollow of my neck
Everything about that moment was perfect
And I remember wishing it would never end
Having your arms around my waist
Your soft breath on my shoulder
I gave in to you entirely
And I didn't regret it
You made me feel beautiful
You made me feel loved
And I can't tell you how much
I needed that
How much I needed you
But now you're gone
And all I have left of that night
Exists only behind closed eyes

It was everything I've ever wanted
And desperately needed
All the men in my life have left
Killed themselves, forgotten about me, moved away
And I still carry all of that pain with me
Never able to let go of it
And I am terrified
Of what you might do
You're already so far away
And it's hard to convince myself
That despite the distance
You're still here
With me
I'm sorry
For everything
Just know that I need you
And that I wish last night
Could've lasted forever

I fell in love with what you could be
but never were
I loved the expectations I had for you
but reality knocked me down
too many times
And I can't keep wishing on stars
for things that aren't there

Everything happened at once
I didn't expect it to
And I didn't want it to
-- or atleast I convince myself
I didn't want it to --
But here we are
You don't know it yet
But both of our lives are going to change
In just another month
And I'm terrified
I should be happy
But I find myself crying
Everytime I'm alone
And I always thought that finding you
Would fill the hole inside of me
But I don't know if it will anymore
What if it's the opposite?
What if you don't want what I want?
You have already changed everything
And you've done nothing
I'm the one with the knowledge
With the choice
And yet I'm scared
I need so much right now
But I didn't know that the hope
Of loving you
Would make me question
The love I already have

Last night I dreamt that I was pregnant
It was yours
And I was happy
I walked around with a cute round bump
Attached to the front of me
I was going to give birth that evening
To a baby who weighed 5 pounds 7 ounces
It was going to be premature
Like I was
I was dress shopping with my mother
Trying on gowns
Not for a wedding
But for an announcement of our child
I wanted to feel beautiful
But nothing fit over that cute round bump
I didn't get frustrated
I kept trying on dresses
Thinking about how happy you would be
With how I looked
Once our baby was born
But still with all of the extra weight
I hoped it was a boy
And I planned to name him Dennis
-- Even though it wasn't one of the names
I picked out long ago --
That's what he would be called
Because that was your middle name
And I wanted our baby
To always be a reminder of you
Even when I found a man
Who was willing to be the father

We sat down on the bench
And you saw it in my eyes
"What's wrong?"
You asked knowingly
I looked at you
But couldn't bring myself
To say anything
I laughed at my inability
Incapable of producing any other noise
You put your hand on my knee
Never breaking eye contact
And waited patiently
Until I had the courage
To speak
Afraid of the reality
That speaking these words aloud
Would bring to light
I ****** in a deep, reluctant breath
And exhaled
"I found my father"