Driving back from a numbing weekend
Distracted with liquor, drugs, sunshine, and company
I opened my first college acceptance letter
It was unexpected
And although I was beyond happy
Filled to the brim with emotions
That had been locked up for weeks
I still couldn't cry
I was happy while I was in shock
But inevitably my mind went straight to you
I was accepted to the school closest to where you are
And although I'm going to go where I want to go
I've always associated going there with us
And I couldn't even share my happiness with you
It's a great school, but you were a huge part
Of why I applied
And there I was
Trying to numb myself to your memory
But college acceptance
No matter how happy it can make you
Never fails to remind you of everything
Left behind

I don't go out much
More than I used to, but still not much
Because I hate coming home
To unlocked doors
And both sides of her bed turned down
The angel that lives upstairs
Hides dark secrets in and under her bed
It's nothing that should concern me
Yet it is everything
It took me years to forgive her
For conceiving me with a man
Who wasn't her husband
Even though I now understand
And have forgiven her
But she has no excuse for kissing married men
Who come to fix our TV
Or sleeping with her accountant
When she is oh so in love with her perfect boyfriend
I can't help but be upset by it
I know I've committed my fair share of sins
But I'm still learning
And I think what angers me most
Is that she is the woman I've looked up to
My whole life
Despite her poisoning my memories of my father who's not my dad
Despite pitying her childhood and taking it out on me
Despite her nonexistent self-confidence that leaves her bedroom door open
And in all honesty,
I didn't have anyone else
I know she is a strong, compassionate woman
But deep down I wonder
If all my insecurities
All my inabilities to happily be in love
All the things ****** up in my head
Stemmed from the only role model
I've ever had

I know you're angry
And hurt
And you have every right to be
But please don't doubt that I'm doing this
For us
I loved you enough for the both of us
Believe what you will, but that is the truth
I know sometimes it's been hard to tell
I was careless, paranoid, insecure, immature
And I'm sorry for that
Those are my faults
You know them well
But you are not spotless, either
Neither one of us was ready
Ready for this kind of love
This kind of passion
This kind of vulnerability
But it came anyways
When we didn't ask for it
And as a result, we didn't work
Not because we were not right for eachother
But because timing and circumstances
Wouldn't allow for it
Don't you dare think
That means you don't cross my mind
Every second of every day
Don't you dare think
That I am not hurting and aching
To be with you
I think about you constantly
Miss you constantly
I miss the sound of your voice
The way you held me
Your eyes
Your arms
Your scruff
Your love
I want that all back
But I know I can't get
What I want right now
So please, promise me
That despite everything
If you are ever courageous enough
To settle down
And show off your love
And if I am ever courageous enough
To trust
We will find each other
Again

I am not giving up
I never did
I am just salvaging what we have left
So that maybe we can put it back together
When we're both ready for it
When timing and circumstances will allow it

Two years ago
You told me that if
You didn't have a girlfriend
When the day came
I would be your valentine
You would bring me flowers
And I would feel special

But that never happened
Because when that day came
You had a girlfriend







And it wasn't me

*******.
I know you loved her
And I know you lied
About everything
I just want you to stop being a coward
Be a man
And tell me the truth
About everything
So I can move past this hate
And let go of it all.