Do you remember
Our first date?
I spent so long
Deciding what to wear
Cliche, I know
But I couldn't help it
I felt like a little girl
Had been quite some time
Since I felt like that
And I loved it

You picked me up
In your beat up car
I loved so much
You wore a red striped button down
And took time
To make your hair look nice
Such boyish charm
It was something I hadn't
Seen in you
Before
And I loved it

I was so nervous
Didn't want to say the wrong thing
But probably said too much
We talked about our dreams
Our goals
And everything in between
While we held hands across the table
And sheepishly looked away
While we ate
We sat long after we finished eating
Because I got carried away
In a story
You smiled, never said a word
And I loved it

You tried to kiss me
Remember?
It took everything in me
To say no
You always were persistent
But it was a different kind
Of persistence then
So sweet and innocent
Nonjudgmental, unassuming
sincere
And I loved it

We ate ice cream
And talked
And sat in that beat up old car
You looked at me
The way every girl wants to be
Looked at
Gave me that bashful grin
And I couldn't resist
I surrendered in that instant
To you
We stayed out late
Not caring about
Tomorrow's obligations
And I loved it

We laughed when the car
Wouldn't start
You were so embarrassed
And vulnerable
Remember?
I miss that
You were everything I had wanted
That first date
Was perfect in all its flaws
And I loved you

Defeat
I hate nothing more
Call it juvenile
Call it a flaw
It probably is
But aren't we all a little flawed?

I broke down
I ignored it
For quite some time
Tried to tell myself
Everything was okay
I knew I was lying
But telling the truth
Would admit defeat
And I couldn't do that

I can't say it did me harm
Admitting it
But maybe that's because
I can't feel a thing
Anymore
Long talks, sleepless nights
Advice I didn't want to hear
And finally,
I didn't have a choice
Defeat

I submit
To that ******* pill
Every ******* morning
And I hate it
I absolutely hate it
For now
Soon I won't know the difference
Between hate
And like
And love
But I feel better

What is better?
When I no longer
Think the way I used to
Speak the way I used to
Write
Read
Cry
Love

I was cold before
But now I'm just
Lukewarm

I need a win
Any small victory
Amidst these losses
Continual letdowns
Consecutive defeats
Constant calamities
When will it end?
I dress in armor,
But it does no good
For every time I attempt
To repair one impairment
A gust of misfortune
Knocks yet another
Piece out of place
Is it too much to ask
To find myself among laurels
Just for a moment?

Some may say
that we are all
by nature children of wrath
but no one needs to
prove it .

stay busy
fill every moment
with thoughts to fill my mind
to occupy my senses
divert my eyes
distract my heart
stay busy
I've been deceiving myself
or is this the deception?
I acknowledged it
I accepted it
but what if
I didn't?

With the first free moment
in weeks
I see clearly
or unclearly
I can't tell
all I know is that I hate
not being busy
being alone
and it doesn't help
that you've disappeared
from home
from my life
from the face of the earth
stay busy*
and I'll survive