I thought I was over this
-- Done with the pain
Of losing a father
A man who wasn’t even a dad
And even less of one
Than I had previously thought --
But grief is a tricky thing
It presents itself
When everything seems
To be going well
For once.

You left me
For good
A long time ago
And your memory left, too
But it’s taunting me again
With thoughts
And questions
Of what might have been
If you were a different person
And if I was who you had hoped I was
But knew I wasn’t
Or if you had been
Content enough
To continue living.

I truly believe
It’s best that you left
Permanently
But I can’t help
Wondering.

I approach the day with a brave smile
And wear it for everyone to see
I surround myself with peers, friends, loved ones
And I feel okay
I manage to make it through
Thinking it's not so bad
That maybe this will be the turning point
And things will finally get better
But when I turn off the lights
And crawl into bed
I realize just how terribly lonely I am

Mind wandering
Body traveling
Towards the door
Twist the key in the lock
Anticipation
For dogs yipping
And jumping
At my feet

Turn the ****
And there's
Nothing

I know I'm young
And have plenty of years to fill houses
With my every desire
-- A husband
Children
Dogs
Anything --
But that's further down the road
Not down this hallway
Not behind this door

For now, the only thing I am welcomed by
As I walk through this doorway
Is *loneliness

Make sad, sweet love to me
Hush
Don't speak
Let the emotions do the talking
Grab for
Everything you have
Always wished for
And never obtained
Claw at
Everything that has held you
Back
And kiss me
Just kiss me
Like you've never meant anything more
Transfer your pain
Onto me
I will carry it
While you carry me
Show me everything
Vulnerability
Is key
In therapy
Like this