Satisfaction is a funny thing
Smile on my face
Love in my heart
But some sort of emptiness
Overwhelms the senses

What is missing
When everything
I thought I wanted
Is right in front of me?
Held in my finger tips?
What more
Could I want?

Maybe if I knew
I wouldn't be sitting
With such an emptiness
Inside of me

Who knew
The human body
Could hold so much
Expanding to accommodate
Emotions
Possessing the capacity
To contain
The spectrum of feelings
Is there a breaking point?
Because *******
It sure feels like
I'm getting
Close

Everyone wants someone who knows their own heart
Knows their pain
And makes it dissipate
Someone who understands
Relates
Alleviates
But is that always enough?
Can someone truly know
The pain
One goes through?
Often times
Words are muttered
Of how one knows what you're feeling
Knows what you're thinking
What you're going through
And maybe it's all with good intention
Innocence
But innocence doesn't help ****
When it was stolen
Long ago
Under the nose of ignorance
And you were left alone
Long ago
It's what you know
It's what you've always known
And it's hard to form new habits
When the old ones
Rooted themselves
So long ago

It is always said
That you're attracted
To people who resemble
Your parents
But I hate my father
And rejoice in the loss
Of him

He took himself out
Of my life
At a young age
But could those
Formative years
Still hold on to
That memory
And subconsciously search
For someone
Just
Like
Him?

I see so much
Good
In you
But he was
A good man
Once
Too

Intelligence
Dreams
Depth
Everything I look for
In a man
But I wonder
If you carry
The dark side
Of those attributes

You admire
"Men"
Who were identical
To my father
At the end
Of his life
Disregard
Detachment
Liquor
All of his
Downfalls
You aspire for

I love you
Now
But what man
Will you become
Later?
One who
Succumbs
To alcoholism?
Thrives
In solitude?
Abandons
His family?

*******
I hope not

Who were you?
At the end
No man I knew
Your essence
Was liquor
Your character
Alcohol
Your spirit
Spirits

The numbness
Took over
Sickness
Diseasing
The mind
Plaguing
The soul
Infiltrating
The veins

Corrupting
Abruptly
The human aspect
Degenerating
Generations
But you don’t even
See that
Anymore
Do you?

Eyes glassed over
From champagne
Whiskers
From whiskey
Who are you
Now?

Cat and mouse
You and the bottle
But I can’t tell
Which is which
Anymore
Running in circles
Tangled up
Into one

So tell me
Was it you
Or the liquor
That pulled
The trigger?

Where did you go?
Not after you died,
But before
While you were still living
But weren’t alive
You were dead
For a long time
Before you validated it
Yourself

What made being awake
So unbearable
To make you wish
To sleep
Eternally?

Why was alcohol
And cigarettes
And ******
The only thing
You could turn to?

You had everything
Prestige
Two families
Money
But maybe it was the loss
Of respect
That affected you
most

Such a desire
To be the best
The greatest
And you no longer
Could please everyone
Or anyone
For that matter
Your fame faded
Your wife stopped
Listening
To you
And became the woman
You tried to
Prevent her
From being

You lost
All the attention
You so desperately
Needed
And filled that void
With alcohol
With cigarettes
With ******

Did that feel better?
Because apparently
It didn’t
Seeing as you
Found another
More permanent
Escape

What was the point?
Was it worth it?
Are you happy with
The even greater
Loss
Of respect?
Or the grief
Your wife
Experienced?
The guilt?
Or knowing your children
Grew up
Without you?
Without a father?
Without a man
At all?

But maybe it’s better
This way
You were no man
Anyways
And sure as hell
No father.