this year i am letting silence speak for itself
i spent too much time bulldozing over its insinuations,
the clear echo of hurt, the ringing of your nothings

they say when you die you hear a buzzing
i heard it when i pressed my ear against the shower wall
‎everything else was far away

maybe my soul is already leaving my body
maybe i already died and continued to somehow live

i built a fortress around your body
when i realized that's all it was
i spent years asleep in a cold desert
waiting to be awoken
waiting for your moments of clarity
those sweet miniscule pieces of time that stretched on and on that i took in like oxygen, like *****

i started to fall out of love on september 18th,
all morning i stared at how the lights made rainbows on the
motel floor
i wanted to chain-
smoke cigarettes all day and watch
those diamonds dance
while our love rotted away, unseen
in the corner of the room
my sanctuary now a crime scene
though there was no blood from the kinds of things that were murdered here

those colors the only thing left in your wake,
the only truly beautiful thing left

a scream in the night- or dark early morning- "i am not sleeping another night alone." and it cracks my bones through my ears. i am brought back from my grave, i am a zombie with an intention. aren't we all starving now? it seems like things are more clear when i have less to focus on. now, disobeying the natural function of shutting my eyes. now, as the apartment complex lights are mere trinkles on the stairs. nobody moves but the shadows and the dissapointments on the other side of my door. everybody listens when they shouldn't. these aren't empty conversations filled with empty words. this isn't the simple act of eavesdropping on a bus. this isn't just another dialogue with defense mechanism cavities. there's a million things that these words aren't. funny, i couldn't tell you exactly what they are, what they mean, what they have to offer anybody. it's all so transparent but oh so opaque, and i am caught between the fragmented spectrum, between where i can and can't be seen. when you are on your knees with a gun to your head, that's when you finally catch some attention. crave as you might, but you're never taken seriously until there's nothing left but words versus silence. some scream, throw glasses at the wall. some lay down and cry the same old sob story over and over again. some take their thoughts and put them in jars, filled to the brim with formaldehyde. some break down in all these ways, the jars make the shelves finally collapse. i've watched it happen, i've watched bombs explode in my mother's eyes. it frightened me- how could anyone survive the blast? debri thunders down, litters the earth with shame and rage and those godfrosaken lost hopes. the hopes you pin up like ribbons in a young girl's hair, they are so beautiful and so simple, and they stream in the lights when she dances. you are taunted and you are made to believe. even when the girl passes out on the dance floor and the ambulance comes to rush her away, you remain calm. fixated. ambitious. you count to three and lift her onto the stretcher. you keep telling yourself that she will open her eyes, even when the ribbons come undone and begin to strangle her.

i forget whether it's loss or gain, i can't recall whether or not it's a good thing to be electrocuted when you put your own finger in the socket. it is good to wake up. it is a release to make the world stop spinning once in a while. but we are in motion. we are supposed to be rushed. so many of us are forced to grow fast, and we lose touch. the glue that holds our pieces together slowly dissolve and then we are fluid. we let others contain us in any shape they desire. we adapt, and we manifest more hopes. it's like we have a treasure chest, full of them. under our beds/ from behind our ears, from where magicians pull out coins. i may rest. i may sleep most of these nights. but i am still a river. i will always flow until i flood the land again. and maybe someone someday somehow won't run away when they see the warning flashing on their television screen. instead, they will grab their lifevest and dive in, like i always have. they will forget what fear is. they will forget that they had an ego that usually kept them safe and dry. they will feel surprisingly comfortable in my serene waters. they will realize that risk isn't so bad, that belief powers it, make things happen. but sometimes the pressure builds and the dam does break. it is too much. step back. you've gone too far.

it is a circle. emotions can recycle. the same hopes are used all over again, just in different disguises, colors, voices, names. they will try to build the dam again. they will think they have the perfect blueprint. but weakness always resides in something.

we only live and we learn. we only get rich or die trying. we only get twenty-four hours in a day, and we only have the ability to use them to our full advantage if we are alive and awake enough to see them.

we only see and we only feel. we only have ourselves to blame.

we both have this,
hidden....core
we slowly peel back to reveal
like we're withholding this great wizard
behind some elegant curtain

maybe it's because we both know mute suffering
the kind that sticks around and becomes part of your bones

we say to each other, oh i won't judge you, you can tell me anything
i can handle anything, you can't scare me

and it's true but still we,
are....crawling
back to our shells like hermit *****.

Someone once told me

That hate is love and love is hate

He was a criminal and a drug addict

But I like how nonsense seems to make sense to me.

are you so very hardened by life that you cannot love?
you lived and died in that tangled southern wilderness,
the branches reached out to you then and they
still reach out to you now
you feast on knowledge of the men who have passed,
wrote down their minds in great big books
but you have yet to be wise

they said i wouldn't feel the impact
for a few days
my neck, stiff and unable to look around me
my universe has become somewhat
smaller
my head piercing at
spontaneous, inconvenient intervals

but they didn't tell me about you
sneaking back
into the places behind my spine
inside the songs
that are ruined
i can't even listen now without
choking
on the words

Of one single fragment of a moment slipped through my fingers
I tried to the press rewind button but
It jammed in on itself and is now
Footage just looping over and over again
A surveillance camera catching a robbery of sorts
A heart robbery
And we're looking for suspects
But the faces are fading into the backgrounds
And magnifying close-up, it is harder to see
Everything pixels across the screen
Like trails from tripping eyes
Just another left-wondering motion
Double-taking, staring hard
I only see what I want to see
Was it you?
I guess I'll never know
I see pieces of everyone everywhere I go.

Between two minds my mind flips
Why do you feel so empty sometimes
Do you float above your body and are robotic action
Are your thoughts your actions
Are they all the same, are they different
Are you everything at once
Once warm the next seemingly cold
If emotions could be that easy to separate
How easy would I be to dissolve
I am losing my grip on my perceptions because
I am the manipulated
I am clay
Use me use me and abuse me
I will beg for more
Because I am a sacrifice
I give myself even when I have already given everything
And I realize in a quick shudder that
The closer I get the faster I might let it fade
But I hate the space
How did I let this confusion overwhelm me in its toxic cloud
I am a delusion
An illusion
All is illusion
I am the audience
Gasping at magical feats
That are smooth gimmicks
I am the happiest fool.

i am the deepest of sorries
that fear rules me like
planets might rule our minds
that i jump into
concrete conclusions
only to slowly chisel my way out
ascending small and ashamed
with the knowledge that i am wrong
yet and yet again
but still afraid because
once in a while
i am right.

Dropped into a glass
The chemical reaction is immediate
Watch me dissolve and dissolute
Drink me until you are immune
Until I have no more power left to cure you.

Here's to the night, those nights, this night, i will find comfort in my velvet blankets, words with senseless depth, the smell of rising smoke, this room is too hot, so why am i still cold, why am i still hopeful, when all that falls into my hands is acid rain, burns, burns, burn, burnt, give up, give in, it hurts, but that's just feeling, like an alien nightmare, must destroy it at the source, myself, but if i was numb, my compassion would slip away, don't let me swallow all the novacaine, tomorrow, maybe, might be, a brighter day, here's to the most lonely optimist, i'll raise my crystal champagne glass to the mirror, and drink memory erasing potion, here's to you, all of you, cheers.

what makes you get up and walk to the liquor store
when you can barely get up to do laundry
or god forbid wash a **** dish
can’t you just say
not today?

is it your brain and the way it is wired
with neurons firing and serotonin lowering
needing something anything
does your liver shiver from the weekend before
does your body shake until you get more

or are you just bored and tired of
******* on the couch to the same cheesy 80s **** you got in a bargain bin
i would honestly prefer the latter, as if it is something you could control
but you still manage to ***** all over our ghetto apartment because you couldn’t make it to the bathroom in time
and i spend my nights scrubbing it with dollar store carpet cleaner because my paychecks are used to buy
twelve packs of generic dr. pepper, hamburger helper and chocolate cupcakes for a grown *** man

i had to call your mother a few times because you couldn’t even speak and it scared me
that you could possibly get more stupid
but i am stupid too because i love you and i still
let you play video games and not nag you
at least until you’re sober

i just wait until you pass out oblivious to the damage you’ve done that day
and eat all your ******* cupcakes in revenge.

i think i'm starting to figure you out
little by little
maybe, possibly
the pieces fitting
like plugging my hairdryer in an outlet
i'm learning to not absorb the shock so much

you push me away
on purpose? subconsciously?
it works, occasionally
until i realize it's a test

and you know how anxious i get about those

i guess i pass though, because then you come back
all smiley that way you are

do you not believe i like (love?) you?
despite all the ******* you claim

i **** at sports but i win gold medals at mind games.

Are you thinking what I think you’re thinking
Most likely considering the effortless exchange of our thoughts
It happens more than I let on noticed
Each hiding beneath the same shell with the illusion of invisibility
Contradictorily with razorsharp X-ray vision
I see right through you and you see right through me
The most introverted extroverts and pessimistic love addicts
Sometimes it feels as if we are looking at a mirror and there appears the other
As if we are the same person
And if I changed a perspective
Would yours shift as well?
It is these wonderful similarities that make us magnetic
And our bipolar tendencies that make me objectively view the potential
Our evolution is stumbling when we are wearing such armor on our hearts
What if my confusion is brought on by yours?
Why are we so scared?
The answer to that would probably be the same as mine
But we are both too stubborn
To surrender.

out of all of the possibilities of evolution
and potential existence
you are by far the loveliest accident
your skin is the perfect catalyst
for oxytocin and dopamine
to charge through my brain
like lightning
your pheromones speak to my body in
provocative biological languages
to which i respond with red cherried lips
puckered and begging for more
serotonin-induced euphoria
until you, my darling
it has never been so exciting
to be so human

into another black hole, ******* all the last drops of potential, they will find something on the other side, something that before they were too busy and much too blind, and i wish i could give you new eyes, that can adjust to these strobe lights, set the f-stop and the shutter speed, before you miss it next time, i will be just a blur with windswept hair, and glances ocean deep, i hardly know your face, but that lyrical tongue electrifies me, and im just a midnight crave, the simple hi bye good day, the last desperate attempt at something anything, you bewitch me, more than physically, but how many spells have you cast, and who still lingers on your path, im just a name and a clever picture to follow, you sparkle to me, but the plans are always hollow, you run so fast to catch up with your own advice, so far im losing sight, your a dot in the skyline, you were never mine, but after all the nights you fell asleep, your hopeful words played a song for me, but you never saw, and i doubt you'll ever see.

I'll be, just another regret, a faceless phantom in your past, a skeleton, rattling bones, and i don't know, how you still have room in your closet for more. and you'll be, just another lesson, that i had to learn the hard way.

on a diet of
   cigarettes and wine
if anyone asks
   "i'm fine,
      i'm fine."

she said,
   "tell me the things you say
   with your touch,
   because i cannot distinguish as  
   much
   is it fact or is it fiction,
   you're such a lovely contradiction, but
   how does one keep mixing
   cruelty with gentleness
   i assume it is not simple
   but must it be so complex?"
he waited, then thoughtfully replied,
   "everything is true,
   yet it is also all a lie."

i have counted them all

and most of them are reasons why i should never have been with you.

i may have been weak
in the knees,
and in the chest
but i have beaten down the bars
of every cage
and yanked them out with my teeth

(i could cut through steel with all this pain)

Sometimes it's difficult to be
Extrasensory
It's like
Being blind in a darkened room
Feeling around with a cane
But knowing
Exactly where everything is
And wondering why
You waste time taking baby steps
It's like
Predicting you will trip over the fold in the carpet
And then doing so anyway even though you're conscious of it
It's like
Experiencing everything
Even the bad things
Twice
Everything a deja vu
It barely surprises me, my mouth open in permanent awe from
Trying to meddle and change the outcome
But always
Failing
It's like
Watching the same movie with the same sad ending
Hoping every new time you press play
The guy wins the race
Or that the lovers won't die
But they do
Every time
Once, twice, a million times
A cinematic premonition
And I don't know why
I keep paying to see this ******* movie.

we got drunk and drew on each other
i scribbled flowers and tattered leaves
you wrote in pink floyd lyrics
and meteorites

we fell in love through felt-tipped markers

together we were breathing art

hello, i am air.
i am finding my way between cherry blossom lips.

hello, i am earth.
i am beneath you, rooting your feet to this very spot.
don't you dare move.

hello, i am water.
i am slowly slapping against the shore.
testing my own depth.
dive in.

hello, i am fire.
i am every passion a flame holds.
i am every ounce of heat that goes straight to your head; makes you sweat, disorients you.

hello, i am possibility.
i am the wide open sky, second chances, new horizons.
i am the point of no return.

you can say you love me
but it will pass through my heart like wind

you can stroke my flushed cheeks and say
"beautiful"

but i won't recognize my own face

and every time i don't believe you
i need you to tell me again

it doesn't stick, nothing sticks

i'm not falling apart
i've just never been put together

you're not the first that's tried
you're not the first that's failed

i like a boy

who doesn’t have a name

i have to touch him 
ever so
carefully

to make sure he is real

to make sure he won’t disappear

at the
shiver
of my 

voice

my face burns from the place
your mouth was
      from dusk to dawn

I see it all clearly now
Clear as a window on a foggy day
It's as good as it's gonna get
It's like saying god is in your heart
But your heart is an ugly reckless *****
Pumping the blood through your body
Your beartrap of a body
It's like a drunk guy you just met slurring "I love you"
As he's zipping up his pants.

i discard belief in demons or angels
or resurrection or blood spent for my sins
but i have seen evilness in human nature
i have felt the wastes of desire
the utter trash of always being unsatisfied

if i was judged i could never be forgiven
if hell existed i would be queen

I considered killing myself today
No, it's not a cry for help
Just a plea for life
The pressure oh the pressure it hurts and burns

A passing fantasy
How easy and peaceful
Poppy tea would be, just another nap
A beautiful dream that doesn't have to end

It's so much more mature than when I was 15
I used to cut stars into my ankles and call it art
It made sense to induce my own pain, to control it, for once

To have something so abstract as emotion
Visible and finally released as such a brilliant, lively serum

In these times of existential crisis, I realize how morbid I really am
Maybe I'll just be a gothic poet, my hair is already black
I'll wander around abandoned buildings
And read The Bell Jar in the dark

I think I'm going insane slowly, like you know how geniuses think too much
And eventually lose it completely

If I'm too intense for you then no comments are needed
Hold onto my words though and you might relate someday

Maybe this isn't even poetry
Maybe it's just a long lost journal entry I never had the guts to write.

she's holding her pen like she does her tongue

drawn back,

poised for the pleasure of letting

the ink drip to the ground

and she bathes in its dark puddles

(where abstract meets sense,

where mind and soul meet the body that plummets to solid earth)



she opens like a well-read book

but buries secrets in gold between tired lines

charmed treasure

(x marks the spot)



she's staring at walls

that are oh so elegantly covered

with quotes

with buildings

with trees, with skies

with flowers and beaches

with faces she will never see again.

(but she knows how lucky she is to have seen them atleast that once,

atleast that one last time)



she leads the way

up trodden paths

to moon rocks and city lights

(and wonders how one can possibly feel more alive,

can enhance their only existence)



she's dreaming, as always

a glaze in her eyes

hoping, waiting, contemplating

feels bare,

feels that everyone can see the trip in her head

(she's naked, but laughing

because they see her in clothes.)

reminds me of my grandpa
I never decided if it was bitter or sweet but all the same
I sneak sips from the bottle in the fridge

his house in the mountains
his long driveway and boulders to climb on
every day an adventure
when you're 7

chasing deer and running in sprinklers

pistachio shells under the couches
a grand piano

still life fruit paintings
so simple, the world then.

I watched him die
of cancer
when I was old enough to understand

that that was only
his body.

I realize the reason why I am so defensive around you
Is because if I wasn't, I would
Crumble from you attempting to shake my flaws off easy like dust on a shelf
It is not simple, I am not simple, and you already know this
I have to constantly remind myself I am something because
It is people like you that make me want to tear off my skin because it is not good enough
It is people like you that bring me up to drop me down
It is people like you that reinforce my delusion of being nothing.

the truth is a bomb and the blast
is a woman standing in front of a man with red lipstick marks
where she could be fixed up pretty and brightly
could be made brand new,
a cellophane covered easter basket shining with glitters and bows
just a vessel to hold eggs, to hold their growth, to burst forth
she knows she is not worthy of a sunday morning
that he unwraps her every day and does not find a gift
but just another thing that
occupies too much
of his very limited
space

And did you know I talk to you when you sleep?
I shamelessly speak to you and you have no choice but to listen
Except it is not through your ears
You'll wake up suddenly and warm and I might cross your mind for a spontaneous split second
Like a tip-of-the-tongue phenomenon trying to recall your dreams but...you...just...can't...put your finger on it...

aloneness
   wonderful desperation

   spoke changing language,
pulled mask,
                        revelations

usually im thriving on change
but now change is thriving on me
i used to be buried only in silver linings
but clouds dont have handle bars.

im liquid and mutable,
no solid foundation,
i have daydreams
but they comnstantly **** me dry,
ive had lovers but they never called,
the pretty girls get to go to college with daddys money
well my father doesnt believe in me,
doesnt talk to me,
all i have to offer is art

and he wont trust what he doesnt understand.

a vision thats been so clear lately,
im packing my bags with ocean mist shampoo, a camera, a toothbrush, blank notebooks, shooting star earrings, vanilla incense,
catching the next flight to wonderland.

dissapear.

not that this town,
the only place ill ever call home,
hasnt brought me so much,
it has shown me its many hidden paths,
all the best spots to duck into with the friends that drift in during the summer
but never really stay,
secrets through the sweet potent smell of smoke,
the writing on the wall:
"are you living your dream?"

so im wondering.
is this what my whole life has built up to be,
a skyscraper of long-term memories
encoded then stored to forever be pulled up from file drawers?
lessons learned and regrets thrown in trash bins,
barely scratching the surface of those i thought i knew so well,
hands in the oven
and wading in water,
rainbows over ambulances,
the city in flames,
strawberry fields,
bear tracks in snow,
freezing cold spring in hardly standing tents,
dazed morning afters,
bruises and scars and reckless lucid dreams,
diving headfirst into the shallow end,
over and over again,
chasing the world through a lens,
artificial perspectives;
how i watched so many fall for them,
drinking their life away.

the moment i realized i was lonely, but i would never be that alone.

a series of events of which i still dont know whether or not were unfortunate.
i dont want to be another high school angst heartbreak cliche,
the almost-smiling girl lifted into the dawn, away.

but this head is raging.
"the heart is the weakest ***** in the body"
and the medicine just isnt working.

somehow, i believe, new streets and sunsets,
unfamiliar faces on littered beaches,
every corner a turn i wont hesitate to make,
will bring back the fragments i have dropped along the way.
because i just want to believe.
i want to, finally, be.
i'm starving.
i want something more.
give me anything.
i want to overdose on everything miraculous that there is yet for me to walk on. maybe drown in northern lights.
maybe paint my hopes in passion red and off-turquoise-seafoam-green.
maybe chance a stranger, a kind voice to be exchanged with mine. one i could trust, could crawl into and sleep.

the world is your stage
but it is my
playground

i find no satisfaction
playing in the flowers
i need the earth
to sink underneath me
i want to struggle for air
the soil and roots
worms and horrid things
i want to find bodies below us
i want the rot of everything
i want to go deeper
or nowhere at all

Delete my words
Delete my existence from your mind
Delete your heart because it is being wasted and beating with no echo
Delete everything you've ever known because known has no pure definition
Delete holographic sceneries from your shattered glass window of eyes
Delete your aura because your solid form is contradicting it and I've always seen right through
Delete the false interpretations of your ****** actions
Delete the people you ****** and ****** over
Delete them because they are just broken useless condoms flushed down toilets
Delete yourself from this planet and transfer to an alien world because you have shown how very unworthy you are of cooperating in this one.

I'm tired of writing poems for you that you will never read because
It is pointless like everything I try to do
Lock me in a cabin in the woods until I have to consume my own hands to stay alive in the cold
That's what it feels like when I offer them over and again and I am forced to crawl back into
My individual world where only I understand and I can't let anyone in as
My want for you is as strong as a cannibal craving to eat you alive and washing you down with cheap red wine.

pretend to know me:
at my very core there is a door that leads to another
you will find nothing that you find sense in
a collective molecular abnormality
a genetic dysfunction
a soul made of equations that have not yet scratched the surface of geometry
i am not something to be solved in your laboratory mind,
under scrutiny i change my shape and very essence before you
i am not the box you put me in, nor am i the ribbons, the tape, the thin festive paper that rips easily
i am underneath that and underneath that
and the atmosphere surrounding it
but don't you dare tell me who i am
the years have not been kind and i have suffered, too,
and i deserve to keep the truth of my being to myself,
that deep well guarded
by creatures only found in mythologies
i find comfort in fiction, because i have been forsaken by reality
i do not hand myself over to others
and i will not hand it over to you.

the human mind is just an extravagant illusion.

a complicated spectrum of polarized emotions

fluid and elegant dreams like boats on waters that ripple infinitely, obliviously

(because once you wake up, theyre gone)

what we call "love" is just a chemical released

what we believe is the sun , the moon, the energy

is nothing compared to what they ACTUALLY ARE.

it is just easier to assign them names, proper scientific qualities and observations than to stay awake in our beds and enjoy the mystery

we don't have enough time to be confused.

confusion?

in which the mind struggles to process a stream of thoughts into a single explainable or even remotely comprehensive one

therefore, transferred into words,

metaphors and similies

because emotion, the concept can never be explained clear

these, after all, are just words.

they shall make no significant impact on those who don't accept them.

words are just a series of symbols we convince you to believe in.

like numbers,

time.

where does the past go?

do the memories still wallow in a another realm exactly where you left them

the times you danced under the moon

or that first kiss

you swear, so much, that the energy is left behind.

the fascinating way you still feel the shadows of things that will never be again.

what dies when you grow, aren't we supposed to develop and bloom, why does it seem like we fade, like sepiatone, how does one resist the dust that collects on their denied ambitions, and why do they give up, maybe it is easier to be born again than to grow up, seeing everything for the first time, as if it were new, try again, i wonder how many have stumbled over the things they didn't do, when they still had the passion, the greatest intentions to consume all at once their unspecified paths, i see a child with a fascinated smile, and uninhibited honesty, they glisten, they are ignorant but i envy the unknowing, that directly after actions are consequences, i wish i was still picking flowers in my grandmother's yard, blowing the heads off dandelions, wishing for a pink bicycle, it floats in the wind, somewhere in time i forget why it was so important, there's priorities now and changes and risks to be taken, it's like life has suddenly become dangerous, and i don't have an excuse to run around naked anymore.

i was born with my heart outside of myself
free to grapple with and pull apart

and they did, they did

there was once an artist
who laid out knives and needles and guns
and spread out on a table
and waited

she didn’t even move when they started to **** and stab
and i have always wished i had the same strength

You pick me up in your green car, your favorite color, like the tint of your eyes when the light hits right
You act so casual, everything so smooth, everything so easy

(I wish it was as easy for me)

We have these moments when conversation stalls
It's not uncomfortable, just heavy
A mountain range beneath the stillness of water
A rising heat from a hidden fire

(I wonder if you know I'm losing my mind over you
If you know that I know that you know that we know that we really could have something here)

We drink bitter coffee drinks and eat day old scones
Pretending to be bohemian intellectuals, we talk about *** and peace and justice
We play Scrabble:

"Nurses"
"Loot"
"Vines"

Secretly I want to sweep away the crossword chaos and make my own message:

"Be mine now now right now"

But that would be breaking the rules of both games we're playing

Pleasure delayers, keep silent, nonchalant
Take one step forward and two steps back
Show affection, but not too much
Wear your heart on your sleeve, but only in small portions

I don't want to overdose, overwhelm, over exaggerate
And watch another
Run away

(Please, please don't)

And so I dream of you, in your John Lennon t-shirt and shaggy hair
You tell me to give you time
I give you a watch and you laugh at my cleverness but really
I was hoping that it would be enough.

Red beating hearts, red lips, red ribbons, red red red blood red, smear it on the wall and call it broken, drip, catch with your tongue, artificially flavored, fake tastes so sweet, chocolate foil litter, a hurricane, snow to make snow angels, mine stepped on, give up, you're no angel, you are not pure and don't even think for a second you are beautiful, the crave grabs you by the hair and spins, ring around the rosie, pocket full of posey, ashes ashes, they all have hands to hold so i'm the one that falls down.

intent is nothing to a gun in the mouth a shove off a cliff nobody
meant to be power hungry and carnivorous but
the chips have fallen the angels are falling
our halos our ego spotlights
look at me look at us how bright
like high beams in the mirror

nobody can see each other
anymore

beautiful in retrospect
even the dark things, the horrible things
i've learned to learn and that makes them necessary
i can wish to turn back time
i can wish on every star in that sky and all the planets that orbit them
but what's done is done, and i have to live with that
you have to live with that, we
have to live with that
and it's hard oh it's so ******* hard
to know i could've ...should've would've
if i, but i didn't, but if only
that's not how this life works
this life is fair and we all get what we deserve
in some way or another
all of our cards are dealt equally
and i have no room to complain
just room to beat myself up, endlessly, my own personal layer of hell
i could do that forever
(i have done that forever)
but now is my time
to not dwell on the ugliness of things
but master the lessons from them
to see the beauty in every excruciating part of me
in every memory that burns
because it was put there for a reason
it might take lifetimes to figure out
but i have discovered patience, and the eternal sunshine of love that strengthens me
as i continue on through this labyrinth of myself
finding clues and taking notes on life's vague meanings
i find that darkness is mandatory
so that you may appreciate the light.