i built a fortress around your body
when i realized that's all it was
i spent years asleep in a cold desert
waiting to be awoken
waiting for your moments of clarity
those sweet miniscule pieces of time that stretched on and on that i took in like oxygen, like *****

i started to fall out of love on september 18th,
all morning i stared at how the lights made rainbows on the
motel floor
i wanted to chain-
smoke cigarettes all day and watch
those diamonds dance
while our love rotted away, unseen
in the corner of the room
my sanctuary now a crime scene
though there was no blood from the kinds of things that were murdered here

those colors the only thing left in your wake,
the only truly beautiful thing left

i danced with death all night
and woke up in his arms
now everytime we kiss
the edges
of life
grow
soft
-e
r

you are a burning house
and i walk through flames

i journeyed to the other side and begged to be haunted
so i wouldn't feel alone
there is too much space in my head, too many places to fill with fears

even the demons want to leave.

i became restless when
the path suddenly opened up before me
the cocoon in which i spent these years curled up inside
has now cursed me with an itch
that refuses to reside
i have only just noticed the mold on my edges
in this cupboard for too long

a still life, a stale life

but i dare not say that the time was ever wasted;
i have grown gardens of strength
through floods and fires i have resurrected myself countlessly,
standing in those currents that should have knocked me down

and now in them i walk on,
towards the mouth of the river

i want to be swallowed whole

on a diet of
   cigarettes and wine
if anyone asks
   "i'm fine,
      i'm fine."

war, hunted lives.
hungering toward clarity
choke
          unerring
                         inequality

beloved
          pneumonia.