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AJ Sep 2014
I will be drunk in a few minutes.
It's only noon.
Just the perfect time to throw
Everything up
And out the window again.
The river of blood
From my thighs to the tile
Runs a mere .13% BAC.
AJ Feb 2016
I feel so domestic.
I'm honestly craving that 40s housewife life.
Cooking and cleaning all day,
Modest lipstick and pincurls.
Constantly barefoot and pregnant,
Floral dresses and pearls.
AJ Nov 2014
You should be ashamed
Of filling me with *****
And horrible memories
And touching my chin
Then asking me why I was shaking.

I was shaking because of you.
You caused a great snowfall
Inside my hollow bones.
I would never keep your baby.

You can say god bless you,
All that you want.
He's left us.
He doesn't like the unpure.
That's what you are,
And that's what you've made me.

You say I have dragon eyes,
And I say they've seen it all.
But not very well, clearly shown by the title.
AJ Sep 2013
You look at me like I created the oceans,
And I wouldn't have it any other way.
It's just too bad that you set my pedestal to self destruct,
So that I'd feel like a suicide bomber.
AJ Nov 2013
I constantly feel
Like I have taken
Well over a handful
Of sleeping pills.

I can't make it stop.
AJ Sep 2013
How can I be so tired?
I want to get out of here.
I want to sleep.
I want to get out of here.
Mary Had a Little Lamb for Dinner
AJ Jun 2013
When I was six I was in girlscouts.
One day I went to a jail
It was a fieldtrip that I did not enjoy.
They told us that when you were seven you could get arrested,
And they could spray things in your eyes.
I did not know you had to commit a crime first.
I wanted to be six forever.
On my seventh birthday I was very nervous.
I made myself sick and could not even enjoy my birthday pancakes,
Even though they had m'n'ms in them.
Who doesn't love m'n'ms?
I cried on and off all day,
And on our way to dinner I heard sirens.
My heart stopped for a good two seconds.
And that was the most scared I have ever been in my whole life.
AJ Oct 2013
I'm so sorry, baby.
I didn't mean to leave you.
I wanted to stay I really did, baby.
I'm back now, baby.
I promise.

I'm so sorry, baby.
I know you needed me.
I just felt like I wasn't good for you, baby.
I made you sad, baby.
I just wanted to help.

I'm so sorry, baby.
I felt like you were ashamed.
You hid me from everyone, baby.
Like I was evil, baby.
Why did you do that if I wasn't so bad?

I'm so sorry, baby.
I thought that I was hurting you.
I didn't mean to leave a mark, baby.
I didn't mean to make you cry.
I'll try not too, anymore.

I'm so sorry, baby.
I just felt like you were using me.
You only came to me when you needed cheering up, baby.
We were happy when we were together, baby.
You were so sad after.

I'll never leave again, baby.
Even if you can't tell your family and friends.
I'll comfort you again, baby.
I'll make it okay, baby.
I promise I'll stay forever.
My blades.
It's not an addiction.
I promise.
It only leaves a few scars.
That's not too terrible a price to pay,
Is it?
AJ Jul 2015
She likes to look up at the sky,
And kiss the sun,
But she never remembers
What it feels like
To be burned.

Her skin turns to leather
From all of those beautiful kisses.
Thick leather that only serves,
To lock me out.

Running and riding and hiding
Her whole life.
When I finally gave her a place to call home,
She only left it.
Not because she was ungrateful,
But because she didn't understand the concept.

She is an angel under the attack of demons.
They want to win her over.
They want to conquer her.
They already stole her innocence and purity,
But it was okay,
Because they told her they loved her.
AJ Mar 2015
I am still shocked how you can
Eat a giant spoonful of raw minced garlic.
Not only is it disgusting,
But doesn't it hurt your throat?
But I guess I do chug ***** straight from the bottle.

I asked you if it burned your throat,
And you asked me if it burned mine.
You said no,
That's why you do it.
I said yes,
That's why I do it.
"Wide-eyed, both in silence
Wide-eyed, like we're in a crime scene."
-Daughter
AJ Jan 2015
Would you rather
Have to shout all the things you want to whisper,
Or have to whisper all of the things you want to shout?

You're like that really old brick building,
From the sixteen hundreds.
The one covered in vines and flowers.
It's so old, and beautiful.
But I feel that,
If I look too hard at either one of you,
You'll crumble to the ground.
And all of the history will be lost.

I haven't driven out to see either of you in a while.
I hope you're both still okay.
I think I just want to remember you
The way you were.
I want to shout this,
But I can barely manage a whisper.
"There's a tombstone in the brush with your name on the front. But I had no bucks to get "Here lies They-Ran-Outta-Luck", on the back of it."
-MB
AJ Jun 2013
If you get really quite
And lay down on a hill
You can hear the clouds talking.
They talk about being tired,
And wanting to take a rest,
About how guilty they feel for the hurricanes,
And how proud they are of that year's April rains.
And if you look real intently,
If look them in the eye,
With the courage of a teady bear colnel,
They might even look down at you
And smile.
AJ Dec 2018
I can find all the right words when i have nothing to say.
I arrange them in boxes and push them aside.
When I know the truth, I feel that I’ve lost
Something bigger than words, at a much greater price.
You always have the right words, and I bet that feels so good.
I am so confused by how you’re always understood.
AJ Jan 2014
I wanted to write a poem about my synthesthesia.
Even the types I don't tell my friends about.
But this was as far as I got.
At least I got up this morning.
And walked in the muddy snowy slushy grossness.
Who needs grammar?
"Another dawn another day".
AJ Aug 2013
What I was doing was smart,
It was a good idea.
I just shouldn't have been so weak.
AJ Aug 2013
Sometimes you're a drunken little brat.
Have fun with that.
Insult me all you want.
I'm the dealer,
You can't beat the house.
The house always wins.
AJ Feb 2016
I hope he's wearing protection
As he ***** you over.

Hypocrites,
Loud trucks backfiring,
And poor choices.
I thought by the time you hit this age,
You would have ended your rebellious teen stage.
But I guess it's a permanent personality trait.
The devil stole your breath away,
Refused to let your split the check,
And carried you back to his place for drinks.
AJ Apr 2015
You're acidic
And you know it
And you're pretty cocky about it.
But really,
You're on the level of orange juice.

But I guess that can be dangerous.
I guess it causes more damage.
I mean,
How many times a day
Will I come into contact
With hydrochloric acid?
AJ Nov 2014
Eventually I will run out of drugs.
Eventually I'll have to get my **** together.
Eventually everyone will stop loving me.
AJ Feb 2017
It's not my place to tell the moon
When to rise
Whom to shine for
Or how to move the tides.

Just as it's not your pace to command that of me.
AJ Jun 2013
I feel very tired.
My phone is dying
My charger is lost.
I watched Golden Girls today.
I'm in love with Betty White.
I feel very naseous and unnormal.
I think I might be expecting again.
I want to brake a glass dish.
TV makes it look like a good stress reliever.
I ate a peach when I got home.
I wish it was organic.
I wish I was organic.
Son
AJ Jul 2013
Son
Sometimes I see a little boy,
In a blue and yellow striped shirt,
In the corner of my eye.
He told me he is a lost spirit,
And that I was to adopt him.
The boy did not remember his name,
He only knew that he was four.
So I tried to call him timothy.
He gave me a headache,
He does not like the name Timothy,
He prefers Collin.
Sometimes he is in my dreams,
And he asks me to sing to him.
He cries when I sing church songs.
And he cries when I smoke or light a candle.
I think he died in a church.
I think he died in a fire.
Poor Collin.
Sometimes he just watches me.
And he sings a little song.
"The wind moves the tree.
And I move too.
But what moves me?
That is up to you."
Poor Collin.
Other stories about Collin can be found in the collection "Son", which you can find if you look in the notes down below.
AJ Jul 2013
There's a little boy named Collin,
Who lives just outside my head.
He asked me to share our secret.
And that secret is, he's dead.

He lives in my peripheral vision,
And vacations in my dreams.
Sometimes he's very sad,
But he's not as lonely as he seems.

He tells me stories of his other mom,
Her name, in fact, was Kim,
She loved him very much you see,
But she could not save him.

Collin burnt up one day,
When a bad man bombed a church,
He cries when I sing him hymns,
He tells me that it hurts.

I let him cry on my lap,
And I tell him about that moon,
And in my dreams, if he wanted,
He could go there very soon.

We stayed there for three days,
And we ate all the moon cheese,
But when it was time to go home,
Collin wasn't pleased.

We have a summer home there now.
Other stories about Collin can be found in the collection "Son", which you can find if you look in the notes down below.
AJ Jul 2013
Collin was not very kind today.
He beat up another little ghost boy, he told me.
This one didn't die in the fire,
This one was in a car accident,
And he was named Bobby.
Collin didn't play nice,
And he is now in time out.
He made a candle fall off my bookshelf because of it.
I am tired of your **** today Collin.
Behave.
Other stories about Collin can be found in the collection "Son", which you can find if you look in the notes down below.
AJ Jul 2013
Collin behaved very well today.
He went in the pool,
And learned to blow bubbles underwater.
It was easy for him though,
Ghosts never sink.
"I only float, mama.
Look at me floating."
He tells me.
Yes baby,
You only float.
You're doing great.
He ate pasta salad,
With no mayonnaise.
He is allergic to mayonnaise.
It gives him hives.
Oh Collin.
Other stories about Collin can be found in the collection "Son", which you can find if you look in the notes down below.
AJ Sep 2013
My little ghost baby Collin and I moved the other day.
We were in the car for about five hours.
Unfortunately he did not sleep.
He was going through boxes and singing loud songs.
He was excited though.
I had been sick,
I still am.
Collin had a stuffy nose last night.
I made him stay in bed all day,
And eat some ghost soup.
I did not start unpacking one thing until today.
All the basics are put away.
We don't have much.
We have a lot of spoons though.
Collin is making me read him this right now.
He wants me to tell you all that he likes spoons.
Silly silly baby.
Other stories about Collin can be found in the collection "Son", which you can find if you look in the notes down below.
AJ Aug 2013
Collin got a little upset today.
I got two tattoos at a tattoo parlor today,
And he got scared.
I let him sleep in the backseat of the car,
And I let him eat some cookies,
Only because they weren't real.
They were ghost cookies,
There's only ghost sugar in them.
That does no harm at all.
He did steal a few sips of my coffee though,
That was an absolute nightmare.
Four year olds cannot handle coffee.
Such a handful.
Collin is on the ceiling.
Other stories about Collin can be found in the collection "Son", which you can find if you look in the notes down below.
AJ Aug 2013
I love my little ghost boy.
Collin snuck up on me
As I was sleeping at my fiancee's house yesterday.
He wiggled his way into my arms.
I must say,
He was quite cold,
And it was quite unexpected.
He was playing so nicely in the crawl space.
I did not think he would get so tired.
I think something scared him,
My poor baby.
He woke me up and I couldn't go back to sleep.
Mummy duties I guess.
Poor Collin.
He fell asleep though,
I bundled him up in the blankets,
And left him in the corner of the bed.
He slept for five hours.
Crazy little tired ghost baby.
Love you.
Other stories about Collin can be found in the collection "Son", which you can find if you look in the notes down below.
AJ Aug 2013
It's three am
I hear him whisper
"Mommy, I'm scared."
Now 40% of my bed is taken up by a snoring ghost baby.
Goodnight Collin.
Other stories about Collin can be found in the collection "Son", which you can find if you look in the notes down below.
AJ Aug 2013
Today Collin disappeared.
He was not around when I woke up,
He was not around when I got back from picking up my car,
He was not around when I got home from running errands.
I would have called the police,
If there was any such thing as a Casper Alert.
Oh, what a horrid thing to lose a little ghost boy.
Who can help you?
He finally came back at dinner time,
Only because I had made mac n cheese.
He had gone to the park all ******* day long.
Collin is only four,
This is unacceptable.
He had me running ragged.
He is not allowed to go out for three weeks now.
And he is not leaving my sight for those three weeks.
Especially since we are moving Monday.
I have to pack his ghost clothes,
And his little translucent ghost toys.
Dear god, Collin,
You scared me.
Other stories about Collin can be found in the collection "Son", which you can find if you look in the notes down below.
AJ Sep 2013
Collin has developed a new love for salads.
I could not be more pleased.
He does have to cover them in cheese,
But ghosts can't really become obese...
So I will take what I can get.
There is another ghost boy in our building.
His name is Jordan,
He is five and he has lived here for two years.
They play together when I'm busy.
Jordan is very tough,
So I have been teaching Collin to hold his own.
No one will push my baby around.
He's too special for that.
Other stories about Collin can be found in the collection "Son", which you can find if you look in the notes down below.
AJ Sep 2013
This week I have been teaching my little ghost to read.
We have started with, of course,
Cat in the Hat.
His favorite letter is C.
Because it's in his name,
And it's in chocolate.
And it's shaped like a cookie with a bite taken out of it.
Those are his words not mine.
He is very good at this.
I am so proud of my little Collin.
His new nickname is "mostly ghostly".
He learned it from his new friend Jordan.
Baby **** life.
Other stories about Collin can be found in the collection "Son", which you can find if you look in the notes down below.
AJ Sep 2013
Collin had a bit of a melt down a few minutes ago
He is in time out now.
You can't just spill juice on the floor, Collin.
No ghost tricks without my permission.
Four year olds are the biggest handfuls.
I am ignoring his constant attempts to get my attention.
Ugh
Parenting.
Other stories about Collin can be found in the collection "Son", which you can find if you look in the notes down below.
AJ Sep 2013
Collin and I have been
Quite mellow lately.
I've been a bit sad,
And he's given quite a few ghost hugs.
Sometimes I wake him up
In the middle of the night
So I can rock him back to sleep in my arms.
And feel his little ghost baby breaths
And watch his little ghost baby shoulders
Move up and down
And up and down.
It's so comforting that he seems to be guaranteed
When nothing else is.
He's still learning to read and write.
He's currently on M
Which he says is for MoM, and Monkey,
And Meryl Steep.
(he means my favorite actress Meryl Streep)
Do not badger me with being a bad parent,
You are not the single mother of a little ghost boy.
You wouldn't even know how to raise a ghost baby.
Other stories about Collin can be found in the collection "Son", which you can find if you look in the notes down below.
AJ Oct 2013
We've got ourselves into quite a nice daily routine.
My little ghost boy and I.
Collin wakes me up in the morning with his squirming
He is only four, so you can imagine how early that is.
He eats some cheerios and an apple.
I got to my classes for the day and work,
And Collin plays with his fore mentioned friend, Jordan.
I make Collin something for lunch,
And we practice reading and writing.
We watch some Arthur or Dragon Tales
We run some errands
He has some ghost pasta or vegetarian hot dogs,
Or anything really, for dinner.
And we tell stories till it's time for him to go to bed,
And time for me to write my essays
And do my calculus.
And then I hold my sleeping ghost baby
And rock him back and forth
So that my life doesn't feel so useless.
Other stories about Collin can be found in the collection "Son", which you can find if you look in the notes down below.
AJ Feb 2014
Collin has got me going crazy.
Who knew little ghost boys could be so difficult?
He wants pizza all the time.
He never wants to go to bed.
He never wants to leave my side.
If it weren't for that cute little ghost smile of his
I would be a complete and total wreck.
I'd be more firm,
But I'm a bit melted.
His cuteness melts my heart.
Oh baby boy.
Other stories about Collin can be found in the collection "Son", which you can find if you look in the notes down below
AJ Oct 2013
My little ghost baby is truly the best.
The cutest little thing,
My little Collin.
He woke up in the middle of the night,
And asked
"Mama, I woke up to say I love you."
I have melted completely.
I am a pile of moosh on the floor.
I love you, baby.
Other stories about Collin can be found in the collection "Son", which you can find if you look in the notes down below.
AJ Nov 2013
Collin is currently obsessed with hand holding.
He holds my hand all through the night.
You can imagine how well I sleep with my son.
But it's worth it.
He uses two hands,
And sometimes glues my hand
To his tiny little ghost heart.
Yes, ghost hearts do still beat.
Yes, my heart has completely melted.
I love you baby.
Other stories about Collin can be found in the collection "Son", which you can find if you look in the notes down below.
AJ Dec 2013
The reason I haven't written a lot about Collin lately,
Is not because I have been having trouble connecting with him.
Or seeing him.
You see, I've been very self centered, and very alienated.
I think I have been trough a few tragedies this year,
And due to my inability to processes events that might hurt me,
And my ability to bury emotionally challenging memories,
I have internally wallowed for about the past 11 months.
The last month, in particular,
Has been quite bad.
Collin is my ghost baby,
And I love him with all my heart,
I still feed him,
And read to him,
And let him play with candles,
And tuck him into bed with me.
I am a **** good mother to that little ghost boy,
Especially considering I'm not a ghost myself.
But it's just been me and him.
No one else.
And we had our Christmas late at night,
And he is still learning to read,
And I still give him lots of love and kisses.
I just haven't felt the need to share any of it. Any of us.
Other stories about Collin can be found in the collection "Son", which you can find if you look in the notes down below.
AJ Jan 2014
My little ghost baby is the love of my life.
He keeps me so grounded.
He is the most precious thing.
Every "I love you mama"
Melts my heart beyond belief.
He's sleeping now,
Because he didn't nap today.
But I thought I'd take this moment of silence
To appreciate my little family.
My littel ghost boy and myself.
I love you Collin.
Other stories about Collin can be found in the collection "Son", which you can find if you look in the notes down below
AJ Oct 2015
Collin is still four.
If you haven  read any of our poems,
In my collection "Son",
You would know that Collin is my little ghost baby.

Collin is four,
And my absolute pride and joy.
Tiny ghost hands,
And a tiny heart beat.
I kind of like,
How he isn't going to grow any bigger.
We moved yet again, this September.
To another state completely.

Collin doesn't mind.
He quite likes Rhode Island.
He likes the train station
And the little ghost girl who lives there.
He now wants a sister,
Of course.

But she's only three,
And I didn't just find Collin,
He chose me.
I just wouldn't know how to go about it.
So we'll see.
AJ Aug 2015
It feels weird to morn a friendship,
That only meant a lot to me.

And I may be a drunk cynic,
But you..........

It's weird how you were so passive aggressive,
Without making a single apology.
STL
AJ Oct 2013
STL
I'm still in shock.
I feel like the entire universe
Was crumpled up into a ball
And jammed down your throat
In the form of torture.
Please let her escape.
She's just a kid.
AJ Jul 2013
I really don't think you understand.
I will explain it to you.

Being bulimic is convincing yourself,
That you don't like pizza, or chips, or ice cream.
And eventually you believe it whole heartedly.
And you cannot stand those foods anymore.

Being bulimic is pretending
To eat dinner in your room,
And just hiding it in a plastic bag,
Until you have time to get rid of it.

Being bulimic is more than just counting calories.
You count calories, and bites, and calculate percentage of calories from fat,
And how many calories you have left that day.
And you can't sleep if you haven't written every bite down.

Being bulimic is having an absolute panic attack
When dinner plans are changed.
You planned for this meal.
And now everything you worked so *******, is gone.

Being bulimic is waiting till 2 am,
When everyone is asleep,
So you can sneak out to the kitchen,
And take a bunch of food back to your room.

Being bulimic is binging on so much food,
Way beyond what makes your stomach feel comfortable,
And you don't even like the food your eating.
You don't even like it, and you just stuff it in your mouth.

Being bulimic is being able to ***** without a toothbrush,
And doing at least 600 crunches that night,
So that you don't need to cut yourself
For what you just did.

Romanticize it all you want,
But my teeth rotted,
And i still have friends that listen outside the bathroom door.
Have fun, because I'm not.
AJ Oct 2013
How can everyone expect me
To move on
When I'm not even sure
What happened.
I just know that it was a big deal.
I never process things that could hurt me.
AJ Jun 2013
When I was eight I got very sick.
I got to eat mac n cheese on the couch,
and drink chocolate chip milkshakes.
Today I felt sick.
So I made some mac n cheese,
and I sat down on the couch.
I wanted the milkshake.
I didn't have any chocolate chip ice cream,
So I made strawberry.
Then I sat at the counter and looked at my mess.
The milk was out,
The ice cream was uncovered and melting
The blender was on its side.
It looked very sad.
Like it was a Roman village I had just conquered.
I killed all the strawberry milkshake children.
They had such bright futures until they drowned
In a puddle of one percent milk.
I discovered I don't like strawberry milkshakes that much.
And now I have a mess in the kitchen,
My car needs gas,
And I smell like cigarettes and self deprivation.
And everything is easier when you're eight and your mother cooks you your special sick person dinner.
AJ Feb 2014
Stupid white girl.
We are not allowed to do anything.
We're prim and proper, white girls.
We are not allowed to fight back.
Put us in our place, white girls.
We are not allowed real work.
We still want our twenty three cents back.

The child of fair skin and blue eyes.
But with all my female privilege,
Came a nasty stamp on my body.
Like a watermark.
FEMALE.
I have heard that when a woman looks in the mirror, she sees a woman.
But when a man looks in the mirror, he sees a human.

Even with that watermark, our pale skin is used as a canvas.
And everyone else has been handed the tools to color in our curves.
Covering us in blue and black and purple and red.
Redrawing our minds so they cannot process the discrimination,
Painting over our tears so our feelings can be buried,
Manufacturing open legs when you want them,
Closed when you don't.
Erasing the lips we use to speak out,
Erasing the eyes we use to see all of this.

You think just because you held the brush,
Just because you created this monstrosity of a "masterpiece"
You get to claim ownership of this piece of artwork
That you blatantly disregard
Is my BODY.

The "fe" you tack onto "male"
Does not stand for Free Entry.
The "wo" you tack onto "man"
Does not stand for Wipe Out.

Women are barely able hold a pencil.
I was lucky to hold one long enough to draw myself
A conscience, a backbone, legs to stand on, and a mind.
We were only taught how to use the back end of that pencil
To erase our mouth and keep the secrets.
But these days the secrets are keeping themselves.

I will not be put in a glass case
You will not charge admission
To have people come and analyze me.
Buy me.
Give me value.
Categorize me.
Preserve me the way you created.

You are no artists.
You are vandals.
AJ Sep 2014
Oh,
Okay,
Wow.
I guess that's just how it ends now.
AJ Jan 2014
Some days I binge
And somedays I starve.
And now I'm losing weight again.
But of course I'm not happy.
Ten more punds then maybe.
Twenty more pounds then maybe.
I never knew the taste of beauty
Was *****.
AJ Jun 2013
Today I thought about it.
I didn't do it.
I think about it a lot.
I've done it.
We all thought about it at some point.
We don't all do it.
A lot do it.
We don't all succeed.
I guess if we all thought about it,
And all did it,
And all succeeded,
There would be no one left to
Think about it,
And do it,
And succeed.
But I'll still think about it,
And do it.
So will you.
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