Jesus Christ.
Look at this character.

You have
A lot of
Nerve.

I will not write happier poems because you enjoy them more.
If I force it I will hate it.
And if I hate what I write I will start to cry.
And we all know how messy that can be.
We all know how you hate that.
You have three emotions,
Witnessing any more than that makes you ill.
Completely
Socially
Ill.

The water has risen just above my head.
By this time tomorrow, I should be dead.

I was a twin,
Only my twin was a year and a half younger than me.
Her name was orange,
And she hated everyone.
She was also a cat,
But that is not important information.
I used to feed her yogurt.
And throw her down the slide with me.
We were real hood *******,
Manda and her kot.
We both had blue eyes, red hair, and devilish smiles.
We ruled the world from the top of the swing set,
But she froze to death in a snow storm when I was five.
Now I rule it by myself.

It's four o clock in the ******* morning,
And I'm making coffee,
And binge eating vegan chili from a can,
And charcoal-ing naked women,
And getting ******* emotional over Kardashian reruns.
How did this even become my life?
******* it.
I am so unsettled right now.
I miss my man.

I want to sleep.
I am very tired.
Things are blury.
I don't remember getting on the ground.
I can feel my heart beating loudly.
I blink for ten point five seconds at a time.
Where am I?

I drink coffee at Starbucks.
Not because I'm pretentious.
I mean
I am pretentious.
But that is not why I drink Starbucks.
Amazing mathematical concepts
Are just swirling around in my head.
I have to clean.
I have to shower.
I have to do the dishes.
I have to wash my clothes.

Jeszcze ci kutasa w kawałeczki potnę, wiesz, tak jak rzeźnik robi, i ci je do drzwi przybije.

Translate that. It will make you laugh. I promise.

When I was younger I was very girly,
I wore dresses and leggings,
But never jeans.
I loved pink and purple,
And I loved sparkles and bows.
I was very girly,
But I hated dolls.
I drew on my sister's baby dolls with ballpoint pens,
Covering their foreheads with my cryptic squiggles.
I would strip my Polly Pockets,
And let them lay naked and ashamed on my bedroom floor.
I would take all the limbs off of my Barbies,
And rearrange them into disfigured beauty queens.
Fake people have always bothered me.

It's so weird.
I am very greedy.
I thrive off attention.
I really do.
And I get so much of it,
But I just want more.
I get very finicky when someone isn't fawning over me.

I am self spoiled.
I'm not sure if that's wrong or not.

I am a queen
And you're obscene
If you do not notice

I'm so full of myself.
And I hate myself.
And I don't know why I assume everything is about me.
And I don't know why I make everything about me.
Love me.

I'll weave your love notes into a noose for two.
It will probably have to just be two separate nooses.
I googled "couples noose"
And apparently it's not a thing.
Love me.

If I close my eyes,
And I count to five,
Will your god come down,
And make me feel alive?
If I watch the clock
That's ticking away,
Will I find relief?
Is that safe to say?

If I feel the beats,
Of my heart in my throat,
Will I learn to sing
The most beautiful notes?
If I take one breath,
Strong as hurricanes,
Can I storm away,
Like the sideways rain?

If I take the hand
You graciously offer,
Will the nightmares end?
Please get him off her!
If I tap my foot,
Impatiently so,
How long will it take
For you to let go?

Confession time,
Where's my priest?
When I was little I had it all planned out.
"In the name of the father and of the son and of the holy spirit, Amen.
It has been six months since my last confession and these are my sins."
I fought with my family.
I swore.
And I lied.
That is what I said for seven years.
I loved to throw a wrench in the machine.
When I was fourteen I added in a little tid bit to my routine.
"I am gay".
It was the longest pause I had ever heard.
And then it went completely ignored.
How rude of me to try and provoke you, father.

I think my favorite person was me two or three years ago.
This is not a good thing,
I have been told.
I was really ill back then.
I ate very strangely.
I ate cheerios,
But everything else had to be thrown up.
I would only eat at 2 am when everyone was asleep,
And then I'd throw up and cry for ten minutes,
Only ten minutes,
And then I'd go back to sleep
I lost some weight back then,
About forty pounds in a year.
The doctors asked a lot of questions.
So did my therapist.
But looking back now,
I like how I looked back then.
My stomach was practically flat,
And I ran every day.
I did a lot of self harming,
I still do now,
But back then it was intense.
It took a lot of self control to do it,
And I would like to start all these habits again.
I tried to **** myself so many times back then,
But at least I was putting all my energy into something.
I broke hearts back then,
And I turned girls,
Which I liked to do.
It was a horrible, nasty habit.
I had some friends back then,
And I don't miss them,
But I miss going out and doing things,
And breaking laws,
And having fun.
I was a horrible, emotional wreck,
And no one gave a ****,
And neither did I,
And to be honest neither did you.
But I was smaller,
And I didn't eat,
And I hurt myself every day,
And I was a heart breaker,
And I was a law breaker,
And I was a lone wolf,
And I was the biggest mess in the whole wide world that revolves around me.
But hey,
I was smaller.
And I think that's worth all the other things.

Tonight is a bad kind of nostalgic.
The music started reminding me of all you guys.
Thrift shopping and cooking in your stockpile kitchen.

And puking in public restrooms,
And late night fifty dollar tattoos
Are some of last years memories.
And those songs don't feel to good either.

And even last week's music
Makes me feel bitter.

And I tried to flashback from earlier in the 2000s.
But that was music from when I was fourteen.
The angst years will now be left alone.
Jesus I have the shakes again.

Bad night.
Bad night.
A splash of coffee in my whiskey.
It's not alright.
It's not alright.
I'm not alright.
Alright?