I'm not sure what time it is.
Especially not right now.
There is no "right now".

By the time we can calculate
The exact millisecond of right now,
It's already over.

Tragedy is part of your character description,
And I can't lie, it's part of mine too.
And a lot of it we create for ourselves.
We don't take people's good advice.

Lord knows you never took any of mine.

Just **** everything.
I still don't know what happened.

Everyone hopes that they are broken,
Because if you're broken
That means that there is a cure,
A treatment,
A medication,
A program that can fix you.
If you're broken,
Then someone can make it stop.
The real fear is that you're fine,
And it can't get better.
The real fear is that this is normal.
It really hurts this much to lose a friend,
To move,
To not get the job,
Or to get the job.
Just to feel so sad and scared and disorientated.
It is all completely normal,
And you can't fix it.
No one fears being broken,
You can make that stop.
It's the real ability to feel pain that you can't change,
And that is terrifying.

I miss you.
You were the only perfect thing I ever made.
I had been so excited.
You were ours.
You were mine.
I have never felt closer.
I had been so excited.
You had erased my fears.
Nothing matter but you.
I had been so excited.
I went through so much so I could have you,
And keep you safe.
I wanted to hold you.
I wanted to coddle you.
Even hearing you cry would've been better than this.
That's all I wanted.

I can taste the metal in my mouth.
Right on the back of my tongue.
Fall is giving me warning signs.
I know what fall does to me.
Reckless and self destructive.

Baby,
Baby,
Baby,
Baby,
Baby,

I get it.

Thinking of you
Makes me feel really sick.
I changed my mind.
So don't, baby, don't.

Everything is getting so bad.
I am getting so bad.
It really is and I really am.
I have no motovation.
I just can't do anything.
I binge and I purge.
I'm using a cold blade to make myself burn with scars.
Again.
There is no home for me.
I sleep all day.
I've missed a dangerous amount of classes.
I need a job.
I have yet to process
Major things that are happening.
**** has been continuously hitting the fan
For seven years and
I just can't make it stop
And I can't catch a breath,
And the flashbacks are awful.
I just wrecked my thighs.
I don't want to burden anybody.
I know all I do is complain.
But it is literally me screaming for help.
And no one is helping me.
I'm up to my neck in my own mental disorders.
I'm drowning.
I really ******* am.
I walk around late night hope I'll get killed,
I stare at 163 sleeping pills every night.
I'm all late night binging and purging.
This is the ******* life.
I carry a toothbrush in my purse
And tell people I'm just obsessed with my tooth health.
I smoke to hide the smell of *****.
I'm drowning.
I'm desperate.
I'm drowning.
Why are strangers offering more help
Than the people in real life that I'm begging.
I'm an adult now.
It's no longer the fault
Of the people who raised me.
I have waited for this day to come.
The day where all of the sudden
The blame shifts to you.
I'm still drowning.
I'm dying.
I'm drowning.
I know I should stop cryjng for help
And just get it myself.
But I used up all my strength
I really did.
And I will be perfectly fine
With just dying.
I really would be.
I'm drowning anyway.
Might as well make it literal.

I am anxiously awaiting the day when
I am not afraid of
I am not obsessed with
I am not stressed over
I am not anxious thinking about
I am not sick because of
Food.

But at the same time....

I just crave the days where
I would have two bites of a pancake all day long,
And rewarded myself with not having
To down half a loaf of bread,
Or purge everything up.

The days where I'd have more than 300 calories
And want to slit my ******* wrists,
But my slashes it got me to get rid of those calories.

The days when I felt empty
And empty felt full
And full felt clean
And clean felt light
And light felt healthy
And healthy felt thin.

My teeth can rot.
My muscles can ache.
My legs can bleed.
I just want to go back to that.

It's not as easy as I remember
Getting back into the habit.
I know once I'm there
It's smooth sailing.

I can't breath.
I can't ******* breath.
I feel like I should be freaking out.
Like the
Kicking
Screaming
Lock me up
Because I'm going crazy
Kind of freaking out.
I just feel really calm
And ice cold
And slow
And shaky.
I can't breath though
I CAN'T ******* BREATH.
I can't
brea
th.
Please help me.
I don't know what happened.
I don't know what he gave me.
I don't know why it happened.
I don't know why I did it.
I am an awful person.
I CAN'T ******* BREATH.
It was so slow.
I can't
remem
ber
it
all.
I don't remember when he came back
In the room.
I really don't.
I can't remember
The point where he
I CAN'T ******* BREATH
Got on top of me.
He was just there.
I don't know.
I DON'T REMEMBER.
I was almost asleep.
WHAT DID HE GIVE ME.
I can't remember anything
With any detail.
I ALWAYS REMEMBER DETAILS
I CAN'T BREATH.
I don't remember it all.
I can remember the things he said
And I can remember where he
I CAN'T BREATH.
I CAN'T ******* BREATH.
WHY IS NO ONE COMING TO HELP ME.
started to **** me.
Why did I let him do it.
I DON'T REMEMBER THIS.
I NEED HELP.
I don't remember screaming.
I really don't.
I don't remember them coming in.
I don't remember all of the guys tearing him off me
And throwing him against the wall
And starting to hit him.
And Adam rushing me out to his car.
I don't remember hearing him scream in pain
As I left the room.
I don't remember falling asleep in the back of the car.
I don't.
I ruined my life.
It's all my fault.
I CAN'T BREATH.
SOMEONE ****
ING COME HELP
ME I CAN'T
*******
BREATH.
PLEA
SE.
I don't remember everything.
It just feels like.
I don't ******* know.
It's just so unclear.
There's one thing I do remember.
But I promise
I don't remember when I started to scream.
I just felt like I wanted to die.
I didn't know where anyone was.
WHERE IS EVERYONE.
I don't remember screaming.
PLEASE
******* SOMEONE.


I can remember him covering my mouth.
I CAN'T ******* BREATH.
WHY IS NO ONE HELPING ME.
I
CAN
'T
****
ING
BREA
TH
PLEASE
SOME
ONE
*******
HEL
P
M
E.

I want a fight with closure.
I hate how I bring up something important
And you some how guide me into
Falling asleep and shaking it off.

I want to scream and cry and yell at each other.
I want to get all of it out before we have
This new little life to mess up together.
Because we've been together for four years.
And that's way to long to keep this ***** laundry.

I want to let it go.
But a bike rusts when you leave it out for too long.
We need a new coat of paint.

Oh my god,
**** THAT.

**** the apathy
And the mental breakdowns
And the fake it till you make it.

We're not fifteen anymore.
Getting drunk and falling asleep,
******* and watching the L Word.

You're not Shane,
And I'm not ******* Jenny.
She dies, you know.
And I like men and women,
So it doesn't even make sense.
I should have been Alice.

******* feel something with me.
God ******* **** it.
I'm not crying to iron & wine.
I don't want to feel this weak anymore.
*******.
We're adults.

Major tortoise and the hare syndrom right now.
Cold shakes.
I'm sleeping on the opposite end of the bed
With the fan on high.

I don't know where I am.

It was short and concise,
Actually a haiku.
It reached out
And it wrapped itself around my brain,
Like someone wrapping their arms around my waist.
And it tried to squeeze the life out of me,
Like a snake or some sort of predator.
I don't know if I'm stepping in the right direction,
And I don't know who will be there following me when I turn around.
And I think I'm traveling blind,
Because I can't see anyone walking in front of me.
I'm not sure what I'm getting at here.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.

Way to take a trip down the rabbit hole.
It's not all twists and turns and ups and downs.
Sometimes you have to lay still.
Sometimes things will be stagnant for a while.
Not everything is fluid and floating and moving and changing.
I think you can take five ******* minutes,
And breath.

There's something very sad about
Watching a big boulder erode away
Into millions of tiny grains of sand.

There's something very sad about
Finding the big dipper amoungst the stars
But never finding anything else.

There'a something very sad about
Realizing that this is your last horra
And the party is over.

There's something very sad about
Putting on a blindfold
And taking a sunset stroll on the beach.

There's just something very sad.

I'm not sure if it's all just contrived,
But I'm trying.
I no longer care about pride,
But I guess I'm lying.

It's not easy to sit here,
And force the inside of my mind
To flood out of my fingertips.
But I'm trying.

I'd say it's complicated,
But I guess I'm lying.

I'm not going to compete.
With you
Or for you.

You're a fake
And a phony
And I wish I never laid eyes on you.
Glad I never laid you.

We are the victims and the perpetrators.
But those roles do not intersect.
We are children and we are parents.
And those roles do intersect.

What I'm trying to say.
Is that two plus two may equal four,
But without limitations x can be anything.
It can intersect as many or as few times as it wants.
It can be zero all of the time,
Or never.
Set some ******* limitations.

What I'm trying to say.
Is I don't want to **** it up.
Don't **** it up.

How come every night with you
Feels like a one night stand?

My train of thought fell off the tracks.
I burned that bridge before I even got to it.

Your name should not even have the
Audacity
To be uttered from my lips.
Every syllable that comes out
Is like a tiny pinprick
On the ball of my foot.
It's disgusting.
You're annoying.
I thought I was playing you,
But I guess you were playing me too,
And I'm really confused right now
Over how I'm even caring about this.
What
The
Actual
****
Is going on here?

You were traditional,
And I was your French Revolution of sorts.
Off with their heads.

Sometimes ***** tastes like you.
Like having *** on the bathroom counter.
Like pizza movie nights.
Like getting high on the roof while reading poetry.
Like eating you out in the back of that church.
Like crashing that car in the field behind your house.
Like playing the guitar on your back porch.
Like the sound your horrid contagious laughter.
Like drawing hearts on each other's backs with crayola markers.
Like your tongue after the first cigarette.
Like you and me.
Like you.
Like us.
Like you.

**** me.
Good god,
I need something.

I can't quite put my finger on it,
But maybe you can?
It's not pain
Or pleasure.
And it's stronger than satisfaction.