It is one seventeen in the morning,
And I want a toasted bagel with cream cheese.
I want a swimming pool.
I want a hot pink LL Bean backpack
Filled with all of my happy memories,
An ample supply of band aids,
And some chocolate caramel cream savers.
I want to walk across the country in five minutes.
I want to find an empty treasure chest on a deserted island.
I want to freeze the world at one seventeen.
I want to blow out vanilla scented candles.
I want to want what I don't need to want.

1.) Out of the one thousand and ninety-nine days that you were mine, I only regret three of them. The day Brian ***** me on that pool table, the day your dad moved back to Italy and I didn't come over, and the day you put yourself into this hellish suicide coma.
2.) If truth or dare turned two little girls into temporary lesbians, than so be it. Honestly, nothing ever tasted sweeter than you on that night on the bathroom counter at Tim's.
3.) I will grow up to be incredibly cultured all because of you. I learned to look outside the social norm after our late night dates on the roof. Getting high in your lap as you read me poetry, and played me Damien Rice's The Professor & La Fille Danse on repeat was more than enough.
4.) I always thought you were tradition and I was your French Revolution. But now I'm seeing that I was the revolution, and you were the revelation.
5.) You could not sing a single god ****** note. But the only thing I want to hear is your squeaky voice serenading me with our song right now. I promise I won't be annoyed, just finish chorus with me one more  ******* time.
6.) I would have helped you get to your father. I would have helped you. I would have set your mother on fire to avoid this.
7.) I threw up when I got sams phone call about what you had done. And then I screamed at him for an hour.
8.) I won't ask how could you do this to me, because right now I want to do it to you.
9.) Thank you for punching Brian, and I'm sorry you got fired, and I'm sorry your dad left, and I'm sorry your mom hit you, and I'm sorry that I could not kidnap you and bring you to our own private island in the middle of no wear.
10.) You showed me what star you'd become when you died, and told me that if I wished on it you would do your best. I know absolutely nothing about astrology and constellations. But your star is the one thing I find faster than the moon in every night sky.
11.) The last sip of every bottle of ***** I will ever have, will always taste like the last kiss we shared.

Did you not read the words  "FRAGILE"?
The letters where in all caps,
Stamped on my chest.
Not my heart.
Just my lungs.
Practically glass.

I'd say I'm holding my breath,
but....

You were cruel.
Your hands were cold,
Tearing open my legs.
You liked it when I screamed.
You liked it when  I cried.
Your laughter cut like diamonds.
You made me feel like trash.
You cancelled all my doubts,
With even worse doubts,
With nightmares come true.
You broke me.
You cut me.
You scarred me.
You scared me.
You ruined me.
You liked it when I plead.
You liked it when I begged.
Your laughter cut like diamonds.
A diamond in the rough way you treated me.
You broke me.
You smashed me.
You liked it when you destroyed me.

Do you remember,
first day of last september?
We said goodbye,
you cried,
I wiped the tears from your eyes with my lips.
Can we go back?
When you were safe in my arms, and I was mesmerized by your charm.
 
I miss you, your silly laugh the way you walk, babe can we go back?
 
When we laughed till will cried,
then kissed till we were satisfied.
Lying in the sand,
will you hold my hand, again?
Oh darling it's not the same,
when you're not the one calling my name.
Can we go back?
Where the whole world stopped just for us, two stupid kids so it must have been something special.
 
Cause I miss your smile and running my fingers through your hair,
and your voice when you sang, and the clothes you wear. Babe can we go back?
 
Do you remember,
first day of last september?
Can we go back and make that day the rest of our lives? Babe can we go back?

There is a brown bin on my back porch.
It is filled with pool tarps and bad memories.
It is raining now
And the rain is pelting it,
And if the bin could feel pain,
I'm sure it would be screaming.
I am glad that I can count on the rain to fight my battles for me.
It is like my protective older brother,
Beating the **** out of desperate lovers and child abuse.
That brown bin that I cannot stand.

Human anchors are far too disposable.
I got too greedy, and I sunk the boat.
And I'm sorry,
I'm sorry,
I'm sorry.
I got so lonely.
I made friendship bracelets out of anyone who stood too close.
But I always manage to lose the good jewelry.

I'm so angry.
I really am.
You are college students.
You think you could tastefully
Complete a project on eating disorders.
I very well know that
Demi Lavato is a beautiful woman.
Is that honestly all you can say?
How could you possibly romanticize this issue.

My throat burns because of the acid.
My teeth are ****.
I brush them three to five times a day.
I lock myself in the guest bathroom in the building
So that I can ***** in private.
I can eat a whole loaf of bread in three minutes.
When I was in high school
My mother tried to force me to eat breakfast.
So I filled multiple gallon bags
Of cereal and rotting bagels and toast.
I don't eat meals with people.
I bring a take out container to my dorm
Once a day
Stuffed to the limit with food.
And I eat it in ten minutes.
And then I *****.
And sometimes I cut
And sometimes I sleep
But I don't even cry over it.
I itch my legs at family meals
Because taking another bite seems unbearable.
It's not something I care to discus.

To tell me that men can't have eating disorders
And that women are the only important ones.
I am a woman
But that makes me feel even sicker than my ED.
Ana and Mia are pansexual.
They don't care who you are
And they don't care if you hate them.
They will become your best friend
And they will stalk you
And destroy you
And they don't give two *****
If you're asian, white, male, or 300 pounds.
It's still a big deal.
I don't care if you have a BMI of 0 or 100.
It's still important.
It's still a big deal.
And you're offensive.

My fingertips
Carry
A heavy weight.

I think one of the saddest feelings in the world,
Is when the house you spent your whole life in,
The house you took your first steps in,
The house you grew up in from age 0 to now,
No longer feels like yours.
Your room feels like a hotel room.
And you could never fall asleep in any other bed,
But this bed no longer feels like yours.
And you have to get out,
And you know when you're getting out,
And it doesn't seem fast enough,
But you don't want to leave.
You grew up and SOMEHOW
Became an adult while no one was watching,
But you weren't watching either.
And no one was recording it.
And you're not too certain when the exact moment was.
But suddenly you see the world isn't outside the walls of your town.
The world is your town,
And the rest of the world is actually the universe,
And the universe is actually just a town.
And that is terrifying.

I thought I was going to be born
To be the sky.
But it turns out none of us can just
"Be the sky".
Some of us are the clouds,
And some of us are the airplanes,
And some of us are the stars,
And someone is the sun.

It's sad though,
Because I'm in love with a star,
And I'm not even an airplane.
I cannot even pretend I'm a star
When they turn out the lights.
I'm just a thin little cloud.
I can only get so close.
The best I will ever be able to do
Is get in it's way.

Tick tock on the clock.
I know that you're still in shock
But now you must have less
Time to actually process
"Why me?"
Because you see.
You are you and I am me.
I am the sun,
And I am the moon.
I am the rain,
I am everything.
You just have to sit back and watch.
I will destroy you.