I have been tired,
For a long time.
And I'm just about ready
To go to sleep for good.

The unkempt cluster of hair piled on the top of her head
The little wispy curls on the back of her neck.
That grey over sized, off the shoulder Tshirt.
Her slightly crooked glasses
That obtained that characteristic
When she not so gracefully sat on them.
The squeal she makes when I play that one song.
The smile she makes when I pull away from a kiss.
The eyes that actually show you another world.
Where the sky is silver, and the water is green, and the earth is blue.
And I can fly.

You look at me like I created the oceans,
And I wouldn't have it any other way.
It's just too bad that you set my pedestal to self destruct,
So that I'd feel like a suicide bomber.

I was literally *****
Over four years ago,
And I'm not over it yet.
I feel so ******* defeated.
And I've neer stop thinking
"I might as well just **** myself now,
Because this is pretty ******* pathetic."
But I'm still here.
And I think I regret the decision
To stay in this world.
But I'm not sure.
I'm just so ******* defeated.
And I know it's up to me to fix my problems
And be my own hero
And put positivity into my life.
But I tried
And I can't
And I'm weak.
And I realize it's supposed to be hard.
But I actually can't do it.
I hate him.
And I hate you.
And I hate who I am.
And I hate
I hate
I hate.

How can I be so tired?
I want to get out of here.
I want to sleep.
I want to get out of here.

Way to be so annoying.
Literally.
I know that you have time to talk to me.
You just don't.
And I really don't mind,
As long as I get a ******* goodbye.
You started this.
End it.
Man up.
Dupek.

Albany Rosaline Smith.
On Mondays Albany went down to the store to get milk.
Her mother always gave her twenty five cents.
Twenty for the milk,
And five for some candy.
All the boys she passed along the way would tell her how she was
Genuinly beautiful.
And she knew it.
Albany was gorgeous.
On her sixteenth birthday she let Bobby Fisher
**** her under the oak tree
Out back in the feild behind the pond.
"You're something special there, Albany,"
He told her.
She knew it was true,
But it was a nice gesture,
So she let him **** her from behind this time.
Albany became Misses Fisher two years later,
Three weeks after graduation.
It was just the thing to do back then.
They had four kids,
And she was a good mom.
Mathilda, Lizabeth, Marcus, and Temprance.
Three of which were Bobby's.
One of which was the town physician's.
Bobby never knew.
He was a mill worker.
He was not very bright.
But Albany was.
Bright and Beautiful.
She died at the age of forty-two.
She was ***** an killed by the doctor.
He was also the mortician,
So no one questioned it.
It was a small town.

It's four o clock in the ******* morning,
And I'm making coffee,
And binge eating vegan chili from a can,
And charcoal-ing naked women,
And getting ******* emotional over Kardashian reruns.
How did this even become my life?
******* it.
I am so unsettled right now.
I miss my man.

My little ghost baby Collin and I moved the other day.
We were in the car for about five hours.
Unfortunately he did not sleep.
He was going through boxes and singing loud songs.
He was excited though.
I had been sick,
I still am.
Collin had a stuffy nose last night.
I made him stay in bed all day,
And eat some ghost soup.
I did not start unpacking one thing until today.
All the basics are put away.
We don't have much.
We have a lot of spoons though.
Collin is making me read him this right now.
He wants me to tell you all that he likes spoons.
Silly silly baby.

You have
A lot of
Nerve.

I never saw the shadow of a tree,
And thought it was a person.
This is quite a letdown to me.
The closest I got was thinking
That my boot was actually my cat.
I wish I could find away to tell myself I'm beautiful.
I didn't know it then,
But I did self harming before I knew what it was.
Back when I was six or seven.
I started bruising myself when my house got loud
With swearing and yelling and
The occasional smack across the face,
And the loud drunken verbal lashings.
I'd sit behind my door,
And hold myself really tight
And pinch my rib cage all over.
Till I couldn't stand it.
It was a nice distraction.

I think one of the saddest feelings in the world,
Is when the house you spent your whole life in,
The house you took your first steps in,
The house you grew up in from age 0 to now,
No longer feels like yours.
Your room feels like a hotel room.
And you could never fall asleep in any other bed,
But this bed no longer feels like yours.
And you have to get out,
And you know when you're getting out,
And it doesn't seem fast enough,
But you don't want to leave.
You grew up and SOMEHOW
Became an adult while no one was watching,
But you weren't watching either.
And no one was recording it.
And you're not too certain when the exact moment was.
But suddenly you see the world isn't outside the walls of your town.
The world is your town,
And the rest of the world is actually the universe,
And the universe is actually just a town.
And that is terrifying.

You were told this was perfection.
But isn't it ironic
How that man did not create the universe in seven days,
And you were not born without original sin?
And after that night in the basement
You are definitely no ******.
An attempt at a shotgun wedding
Ends up with a shotgun in your daddy's hand,
A lot of tears,
A few screaming last words,
And the secession from the union.
If I'm being over dramatic you may tell me to stop.
You got an old apartment
Where the thermostat doesn't control anything.
You're crying over the stretch marks,
And he's telling you it's just a permanent reminder
That she was once inside you,
And you guys were one person.
He is giving you a false sense of hope.
He leaves three weeks after Amelia is born,
He runs away with the waitress down at the diner.
She's pregnant too.
It's a boy.
You raise her to the best of your ability,
She is mentally *******.
You do not have the money to take care of her
The way she needs to be taken care of.
You start doing heroine,
You did ******* before you were pregnant.
You end up hitting Amelia every day,
She is only seven.
Your landlord hears you
Screaming at her
When he comes to collect the rent on a saturday morning.
Amelia is taken away.
You are now in the corner.
You're not even crying,
You have drank yourself into a coma.
Congratulations.
You are not waking up.
It's ironic because your ******* name is Mary.
******* it.

If I close my eyes,
And I count to five,
Will your god come down,
And make me feel alive?
If I watch the clock
That's ticking away,
Will I find relief?
Is that safe to say?

If I feel the beats,
Of my heart in my throat,
Will I learn to sing
The most beautiful notes?
If I take one breath,
Strong as hurricanes,
Can I storm away,
Like the sideways rain?

If I take the hand
You graciously offer,
Will the nightmares end?
Please get him off her!
If I tap my foot,
Impatiently so,
How long will it take
For you to let go?

You would think that the breathing would come easier by now.
If you thought that,
You are just so wrong.
Just so ******* wrong.
I'm stuck writing a song
That was only meant to be heard by the deaf,
And the lyrics read by the blind,
Sung by the mute.
They said it will be just fine.
But if words
Could come
Easier
Then life would lose
A bit
Of the fear factor.
But there's no way to describe how it feels
When you realize you parents are actually people,
And the only reason that you're ****** up is yourself,
And it's nobody else's problem.
You can write out the emotion behind
Losing all that you've confided in,
When you lose your other half,
And it wasn't your fault
And you can't stop them all.
You can't fix what you didn't break,
You can only take the fall.
I'm always too hot or too cold,
It's not because I'm getting old.
I've just been overcompensating for the heat that's down here
In the hell I put myself in.
We're all our own Satan.

Make it stop.
I wanna sleep.

I don't even think there was a trigger this time.
I think it just became a very big relapse
Very very quickly.
Or it is just a big delayed reaction of
Of a certain act of
Valor.
Now I cry through the bulimic tag every night
Like the stupidest ***** this side of the city.
And I fix my breathing with my beautiful ******* razors,
Inside my friend's bathrooms.
I'd rather feel empty,
You have to spend less money on alcohol that way.
A certain act of valor.
Not that I can blame the poor baby,
It was my own fault.
Masochistic you could say.
I don't want to die,
I just want to stop suffering.
Actually,
I just want to suffer.
Actually,
I just want to suffer until I make everything perfect.
Until I'm someone's prize possession.
Suka.

I will not write happier poems because you enjoy them more.
If I force it I will hate it.
And if I hate what I write I will start to cry.
And we all know how messy that can be.
We all know how you hate that.
You have three emotions,
Witnessing any more than that makes you ill.
Completely
Socially
Ill.

Co ja tutaj robię?

I love my little ghost boy.
Collin snuck up on me
As I was sleeping at my fiancee's house yesterday.
He wiggled his way into my arms.
I must say,
He was quite cold,
And it was quite unexpected.
He was playing so nicely in the crawl space.
I did not think he would get so tired.
I think something scared him,
My poor baby.
He woke me up and I couldn't go back to sleep.
Mummy duties I guess.
Poor Collin.
He fell asleep though,
I bundled him up in the blankets,
And left him in the corner of the bed.
He slept for five hours.
Crazy little tired ghost baby.
Love you.

I think my favorite person was me two or three years ago.
This is not a good thing,
I have been told.
I was really ill back then.
I ate very strangely.
I ate cheerios,
But everything else had to be thrown up.
I would only eat at 2 am when everyone was asleep,
And then I'd throw up and cry for ten minutes,
Only ten minutes,
And then I'd go back to sleep
I lost some weight back then,
About forty pounds in a year.
The doctors asked a lot of questions.
So did my therapist.
But looking back now,
I like how I looked back then.
My stomach was practically flat,
And I ran every day.
I did a lot of self harming,
I still do now,
But back then it was intense.
It took a lot of self control to do it,
And I would like to start all these habits again.
I tried to **** myself so many times back then,
But at least I was putting all my energy into something.
I broke hearts back then,
And I turned girls,
Which I liked to do.
It was a horrible, nasty habit.
I had some friends back then,
And I don't miss them,
But I miss going out and doing things,
And breaking laws,
And having fun.
I was a horrible, emotional wreck,
And no one gave a ****,
And neither did I,
And to be honest neither did you.
But I was smaller,
And I didn't eat,
And I hurt myself every day,
And I was a heart breaker,
And I was a law breaker,
And I was a lone wolf,
And I was the biggest mess in the whole wide world that revolves around me.
But hey,
I was smaller.
And I think that's worth all the other things.

**** me.
Or I will.

Confession time,
Where's my priest?
When I was little I had it all planned out.
"In the name of the father and of the son and of the holy spirit, Amen.
It has been six months since my last confession and these are my sins."
I fought with my family.
I swore.
And I lied.
That is what I said for seven years.
I loved to throw a wrench in the machine.
When I was fourteen I added in a little tid bit to my routine.
"I am gay".
It was the longest pause I had ever heard.
And then it went completely ignored.
How rude of me to try and provoke you, father.

I was a twin,
Only my twin was a year and a half younger than me.
Her name was orange,
And she hated everyone.
She was also a cat,
But that is not important information.
I used to feed her yogurt.
And throw her down the slide with me.
We were real hood *******,
Manda and her kot.
We both had blue eyes, red hair, and devilish smiles.
We ruled the world from the top of the swing set,
But she froze to death in a snow storm when I was five.
Now I rule it by myself.

Collin got a little upset today.
I got two tattoos at a tattoo parlor today,
And he got scared.
I let him sleep in the backseat of the car,
And I let him eat some cookies,
Only because they weren't real.
They were ghost cookies,
There's only ghost sugar in them.
That does no harm at all.
He did steal a few sips of my coffee though,
That was an absolute nightmare.
Four year olds cannot handle coffee.
Such a handful.
Collin is on the ceiling.