I'm so angry.
Not at people
But at situations.
If I was angry at the people
That would be quite selfish of me.
I just don't like uncertainty,
Or changes of plans.
I get very sick
And very anxious.
And now I am alone on New Years Eve.
That hasn't happened ever.
And I'm feeling quite pathetic.

I think I actually try not to be toxic
Try not to be tragic
Try not to be destructive,
Along with its sub category
Self-destructive.

I just do not excel
In trying to feel mollified.
Though I've tried.

I like to drink the waters of insanity.
I can't steer from temptation,
Especially not if it's harmful.
It'll get me killed one day,
I'm sure of it.

After all, Jack and Jill fell down the hill,
And now Jack's in a box
Six feet under.

I'm struggling because I think my eating disorder is getting better.
I mean I'm getting better at it, again.
I am not really hungry anymore.
I think it might be the change in scenery I am experiencing.
Enough food for me to binge on.
Enough bathrooms and privacy for me to purge in.
Enough sleeping medicine I can steal.
I think I'll be alright with this.

I wasn't taking advantage of her vulnerability.
It certainly was not a pity ****.
She was crying, and clinging.
It was the only way I knew of
To make her feel good.
To give her a release.
Does that make me a good man?
What makes a man?
I don't know.

It is never an issue,
Until it is uttered out loud.
Now we both know
That she will open her legs before she opens her heart.
I'll told her that is stupid,
And that she is not stupid,
But still beautiful.
Does that make me a good man?
What makes a man?
I don't know.

I'd make her mine if I could.
As far as she's concerned,
She belongs to the weeds on her front lawn.

I'm loved by a great man,
And he is mine and only mine.
I am very smart,
And I am aware of it.
Don't even think of crossing me.
My eyes burn holes
In those who won't
Give me what I want.

But I'll never be happy.
I'm a martyr,
And a patron saint.

I've been used and thrown away.
My first girlfriend tried to die,
And it was all my fault.
Everyone knew it.
My virginity was stolen
On a pool table at 1 am.
I lost the child I created
With the love of my life.
I knew every swear I know now
At the age of three.
I don't know who'***** me harder.
The drugs.
The boys.
My parents.

I'll never let go.
I'm a martyr.
I'll be a patron saint.

"Broken and lame.
Absolutely insane"

It feels like feet migraines.
That's what I called them
When I was little.
When you put your feet into the ocean
At 47 degrees.
And your feet ache from the cold.
But even when you run back,
Avoiding the waves,
It still hurts.
"It's like a headache, but in my feet."

That's how everything feels now.
Every day.
Even my heart,
And my dragon eyes,
And my loud tongue.
Migraines.

I'm so angry.
I really am.
You are college students.
You think you could tastefully
Complete a project on eating disorders.
I very well know that
Demi Lavato is a beautiful woman.
Is that honestly all you can say?
How could you possibly romanticize this issue.

My throat burns because of the acid.
My teeth are ****.
I brush them three to five times a day.
I lock myself in the guest bathroom in the building
So that I can ***** in private.
I can eat a whole loaf of bread in three minutes.
When I was in high school
My mother tried to force me to eat breakfast.
So I filled multiple gallon bags
Of cereal and rotting bagels and toast.
I don't eat meals with people.
I bring a take out container to my dorm
Once a day
Stuffed to the limit with food.
And I eat it in ten minutes.
And then I *****.
And sometimes I cut
And sometimes I sleep
But I don't even cry over it.
I itch my legs at family meals
Because taking another bite seems unbearable.
It's not something I care to discus.

To tell me that men can't have eating disorders
And that women are the only important ones.
I am a woman
But that makes me feel even sicker than my ED.
Ana and Mia are pansexual.
They don't care who you are
And they don't care if you hate them.
They will become your best friend
And they will stalk you
And destroy you
And they don't give two *****
If you're asian, white, male, or 300 pounds.
It's still a big deal.
I don't care if you have a BMI of 0 or 100.
It's still important.
It's still a big deal.
And you're offensive.

Tick tock on the clock.
I know that you're still in shock
But now you must have less
Time to actually process
"Why me?"
Because you see.
You are you and I am me.
I am the sun,
And I am the moon.
I am the rain,
I am everything.
You just have to sit back and watch.
I will destroy you.

I drink coffee at Starbucks.
Not because I'm pretentious.
I mean
I am pretentious.
But that is not why I drink Starbucks.
Amazing mathematical concepts
Are just swirling around in my head.
I have to clean.
I have to shower.
I have to do the dishes.
I have to wash my clothes.

Jeszcze ci kutasa w kawałeczki potnę, wiesz, tak jak rzeźnik robi, i ci je do drzwi przybije.

Translate that. It will make you laugh. I promise.

Collin is currently obsessed with hand holding.
He holds my hand all through the night.
You can imagine how well I sleep with my son.
But it's worth it.
He uses two hands,
And sometimes glues my hand
To his tiny little ghost heart.
Yes, ghost hearts do still beat.
Yes, my heart has completely melted.
I love you baby.

Up to a point
We spend our whole lives searching for superman.
He's hard to find,
But his cape isn't completely invisible.
You can see a tiny bit peeking out from his collar.
He's already been about a kajillion people.
A mom who made you
Macaroni and cheese when you're sick.
A teacher who yelled at the other kids
When they said your glasses were stupid.
The little boy who sat with you at lunch
On your first day at that new school.
The big brother who threatened to beat up
The creepy boy who gave you your first kiss.
That first boyfriend who was there
When your cat died sophomore year.
Superman is almost impossible to find.

But then you hit that point.
Remember when I said
"Up to a point"
Well this is the horrible part.
I mean, it's god awful.
Superman gets really annoying at this part.
It's going to make you want to scream.
Just bare with me on this one.

He puts the cape
On you.
Oh yes.
Now you're superman.
Could anything be worse?
Now there is no one to save the day.
Now you must make your own macaroni and cheese,
Stand up for yourself,
Make your own friends,
Deal with your own relationships,
And handle your own emotions.

I bet your mind is churning now.
You see what I mean.
You've probably hit this point.
Now by this point,
I was furious.
I bet you are too.
You see,
You don't want to be superman.
So this is what you do.
You reject the cape.
But unfortunately for you,
Superman used some super glue.
This is permanent.

Ugh, right?
And now you're going to put all of your time
And all of your energy.
Angrily trying to figure out
Who put this cape on your back.
But you don't really want to know who.
What fun would that be
Just to scream it out
And still be left with the responsibility?
It's good to have a faceless name.
What you really want is to be mad.
I know that my favorite game
Is the blame game.
And I'm willing to bet yours is too.

What we really need to do
Are you ready for the plot twist?
Is realize that we were already Superman!
Remember the time
You did your little sister's make up for her first dance,
Or when you stayed up all night on the phone
Listening to your friend vent about her stress,
Or when you picked up the flyers
That the lady at the restaurant dropped in the street,
Or when you lent that kid two dollars
So that he could buy lunch.
Or when you went home for a visit
Just because your mother missed you.

It's been us all along.
Did you see that coming?
I sure didn't.

I don't know what I'm doing.  
Going back to my parent's house to look through
Childhood photos and high school yearbooks.
It's not working.
I can't stop spinning.
Everyone always says childhood is the best time of your life
Then high school,
Then your twenties.
Which time is the best?
A lot of it has already past.
I didn't do it right, did I?
Where am I?
Too many drugs, too little time.
What is happening?
****.
****.
****.
My golden years where more like sterling silver.

I constantly feel
Like I have taken
Well over a handful
Of sleeping pills.

I can't make it stop.

I only have one small towel
To stop this entire flood.
Yet you have an entire army
Just to swat one tiny little fly.
Explain to me why this is fair.

My little ghost baby is truly the best.
The cutest little thing,
My little Collin.
He woke up in the middle of the night,
And asked
"Mama, I woke up to say I love you."
I have melted completely.
I am a pile of moosh on the floor.
I love you, baby.

I was like ice floating on water.
At first I was above it all.
I knew what would happen.
As time went on
I fell apart.
I melted under pressure.
I faded into the crowd.

Everyone on my floor is drunk.
And loud.
And I live near an airport.
And that's loud.
And I'm coughing up blood.
And I did too many drugs.
The odds are that I will probably be alright.
Nothing to worry about.
Another line to write another line.
Thank you spell check,
*****,
And a good episode of Parks and Rec
For making this write possible.

Kicking and screaming.
Just leave me be.
Please stop.
Take my innocence.
I don't care anymore.
Just go away.

Now I'm Kicking and screaming
Just leave me be.
Let me die.
Forget me and move on.
I can't do it anymore.
Just let me die.

What can I say?
Nie wiem.
I guess I've never been too good at anything.
Rolling around in my sleep
And making sure I can't eat normally.
That's about all I've done.
I've broken many hearts just for sport.
And I break my own so I can hurt.
At least that means I can feel.
I had the chance once.
I was so close.
Like I said
What can I say?

I thought I was going to be born
To be the sky.
But it turns out none of us can just
"Be the sky".
Some of us are the clouds,
And some of us are the airplanes,
And some of us are the stars,
And someone is the sun.

It's sad though,
Because I'm in love with a star,
And I'm not even an airplane.
I cannot even pretend I'm a star
When they turn out the lights.
I'm just a thin little cloud.
I can only get so close.
The best I will ever be able to do
Is get in it's way.

"Do it for the children", you say.
And then I hear the tiny giggles,
And I see the fireworks that never seem to leave their eyes.
How did those get there?
Did we put them there?
It's beautiful.
My heart always explodes
In tiny Ooo's and Aah's.
Anyway, I understand.
Do it for the children.

We can lie in bed
And I will hold your head on my lap.
And we can stare at the ceiling as you cry,
And pretend that it's the stars.
I would be perfectly fine with that.

I will kiss the tears off your cheek.
The little wide eyed girl
We both saw in our dreams
Is getting eaten alive by the wolf,
And we can't save her.

A white dove is perched on the tree
He sees our jaws graze the floor.
He doesn't care.
The wolf is just he puppet,
The dove is the hand.

I have shed so many tears for
That little girl with the wide eyes.
Those eyes should have seen everything.
I want to find the white dove.

How come we're the only ones who have to pay?
Why is she gone?
SHE SHOULD HAVE BEEN OURS RIGHT NOW.
Who is the white dove?

I hate the girl.
I hate the wolf.
I hate myself.
I love the girl.
I hate myself.
I hate you.
I hate myself.
I love you.
I hate myself.
I hate myself.

I lied.
Don't cry.
I am not be perfectly fine with any of this.

I would say my heart beats
Like the ticking of the clock.

But now that everything is so digital,
I can honestly say
I haven't heard the ticking of a clock
In well over four months.

Which goes just about the same
For the beating of my heart.

We secretly like the fact that we have a ****** government.
It gives us an acceptable outlet to
Obsess,
And rant,
And pour our anger into,
And argue over,
And be passionate about,
But mostly complain.
Don't get me wrong.
If the government was perfect
We'd just find something else.

"You used to look less fat." "But I was throwing up back then." "Maybe you should start doing it again, then."

"You just look....fat."

"Are you losing weight? Good job if you are, you were looking so fat."

"You can starve yourself all you want Mandy, you'll never be thin."

When you put a seven year old on weight watchers, you have to realize it's your fault when they grow up to be life long friends with Mia.