AJ - Hello Poetry

AJ Dec 2013

I think I actually try not to be toxic
Try not to be tragic
Try not to be destructive,
Along with its sub category
Self-destructive.

I just do not excel
In trying to feel mollified.
Though I've tried.

I like to drink the waters of insanity.
I can't steer from temptation,
Especially not if it's harmful.
It'll get me killed one day,
I'm sure of it.

After all, Jack and Jill fell down the hill,
And now Jack's in a box
Six feet under.

AJ Dec 2013

Valor, Laurel, Courage, Honor

I'm sorry, really.
It's just getting very cold.
I want to let go.

AJ Dec 2013

Wymiociny

I'm struggling because I think my eating disorder is getting better.
I mean I'm getting better at it, again.
I am not really hungry anymore.
I think it might be the change in scenery I am experiencing.
Enough food for me to binge on.
Enough bathrooms and privacy for me to purge in.
Enough sleeping medicine I can steal.
I think I'll be alright with this.

AJ Dec 2013

Purpurowy

I'm cold cold cold.
My parent's house is not the escape I was looking for.
I lock myself in here without the heat to prove a point.
What point, you ask?
Well, uhhhh, I don't know.

I dug out an old sweatshirt from 6th grade basketball.
It's still too big.
If I stretch my arms out towards the lack of sky
My tiny, chubby, baby hands peek through.
They are very cold.
I wonder if our babies will have my hands or Javin's.

I could never be a communist.
The theoretical kind of communism, of course.
I am very territorial.

AJ Dec 2013

Tell Your Tippy Toes to Take a Deep Breath

I wasn't taking advantage of her vulnerability.
It certainly was not a pity ****.
She was crying, and clinging.
It was the only way I knew of
To make her feel good.
To give her a release.
Does that make me a good man?
What makes a man?
I don't know.

It is never an issue,
Until it is uttered out loud.
Now we both know
That she will open her legs before she opens her heart.
I'll told her that is stupid,
And that she is not stupid,
But still beautiful.
Does that make me a good man?
What makes a man?
I don't know.

I'd make her mine if I could.
As far as she's concerned,
She belongs to the weeds on her front lawn.

When she was five and three fourths she picked a dandelion,
And her father told her no matter how pretty it looks,
It will always be bad,
It will always be toxic inside
She never got over that.
So now she looks very pretty,
But she fills herself with ***** and ******* and all things
Toxic.

AJ Dec 2013

I was playing in a prison cell fourteen years ago, but the door accidentally locked and no one ever realized I'm here.

I've never been single for more than
A month or two since I was eleven.
I think the one thing I have learned the most
From all of that.
Is how to be alone.
How to be alone
With your psychotic mental diseases.
With your eating disorders
With your self harming
With your abuse.

My best friends are
The bottle,
The knife,
The toilet.

My confidence has been denied.
I have very well tried.
And I will try to understand
Why you want to keep me hidden
Where no one can see me.
But you don't even want to know
What I have to say
What I have to feel
What I want to do.

See,
Everyone has always tried to own my body.
My parents,
My eating disorders,
And now you.

Which is why I still feel alone.

AJ Dec 2013

The Dinner Table Isn't Firewood, John!

I'm loved by a great man,
And he is mine and only mine.
I am very smart,
And I am aware of it.
Don't even think of crossing me.
My eyes burn holes
In those who won't
Give me what I want.

But I'll never be happy.
I'm a martyr,
And a patron saint.

I've been used and thrown away.
My first girlfriend tried to die,
And it was all my fault.
Everyone knew it.
My virginity was stolen
On a pool table at 1 am.
I lost the child I created
With the love of my life.
I knew every swear I know now
At the age of three.
I don't know who'***** me harder.
The drugs.
The boys.
My parents.

I'll never let go.
I'm a martyr.
I'll be a patron saint.

"Broken and lame.
Absolutely insane"