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AJ Dec 2013
Its 3am and I'd rather be somewhere else.
I  made a veggie burger.
And ate a jar of pickles.
And thought about crying,
But I didn't want to exert the energy.
AJ Dec 2013
It feels like feet migraines.
That's what I called them
When I was little.
When you put your feet into the ocean
At 47 degrees.
And your feet ache from the cold.
But even when you run back,
Avoiding the waves,
It still hurts.
"It's like a headache, but in my feet."

That's how everything feels now.
Every day.
Even my heart,
And my dragon eyes,
And my loud tongue.
Migraines.
AJ Dec 2013
My day wasn't unsuccessful.
I got what done what I needed to get done.
I think the same song has been on repeat all afternoon.
Wine drunk, staring out the window.
And I mean really drunk.
And I certainly mean really staring.
It's so foggy here up on this hill.
All you can see is a blur.
The very bottom of the blur is orange,
But that is just because of the streetlights
That are out in the parking lot.
The rest of the blur is purple,
But an orange-y purple.
It kind of hurts your eyes to look at it.
But it is beautiful and sad,
And not sad like how your mother hits you
Or your cat gets cancer
Or you relapsed after four months.
It's sad like when you realize
You're 4/5ths through an amazing movie,
Or when you see a surprise military homecoming
Or you unpack in a new home.
My room mate won't be back
Until much later.
I don't mind.
I need some time
To get wine drunk and stair out the window.
And be sad.
But it's not quite as beautiful as the blur.
That's okay anyway.
I'm in love with my fiance.
And my best friend.
And my cat.
And my little sister.
And all my new dresses
That I ordered on cyber Monday.
I'll be doing just fine when they come in.
When I make it through the orange-y purple blur.
Pray for me.
Because my toes are cold,
And so are my arms, and my cheeks, and my chest.
But my eyes and my outspoken tongue are on fire.
Mark Twain asked this,
And now I want to know, too.
Why didn't anyone ever pray for Satan?
Hundreds of centuries have gone by,
And no one prayed for the man
Who could have used your kind words
The very very most?
WHY?
No one is praying for Satan,
Someone better pray for me.
Maybe one of your gods will take pity.
None of mine have.
But they say I'll be doing just fine when those dresses come in.
You know?
When I make it through the blur.
"I'm sipping on some sunshine
I'm gonna leave it for the morning in the afterlife
And she's drunk by the day time
I bet she feels it just the same, not anymore"
AJ Dec 2013
I'm so angry.
I really am.
You are college students.
You think you could tastefully
Complete a project on eating disorders.
I very well know that
Demi Lavato is a beautiful woman.
Is that honestly all you can say?
How could you possibly romanticize this issue.

My throat burns because of the acid.
My teeth are ****.
I brush them three to five times a day.
I lock myself in the guest bathroom in the building
So that I can ***** in private.
I can eat a whole loaf of bread in three minutes.
When I was in high school
My mother tried to force me to eat breakfast.
So I filled multiple gallon bags
Of cereal and rotting bagels and toast.
I don't eat meals with people.
I bring a take out container to my dorm
Once a day
Stuffed to the limit with food.
And I eat it in ten minutes.
And then I *****.
And sometimes I cut
And sometimes I sleep
But I don't even cry over it.
I itch my legs at family meals
Because taking another bite seems unbearable.
It's not something I care to discus.

To tell me that men can't have eating disorders
And that women are the only important ones.
I am a woman
But that makes me feel even sicker than my ED.
Ana and Mia are pansexual.
They don't care who you are
And they don't care if you hate them.
They will become your best friend
And they will stalk you
And destroy you
And they don't give two *****
If you're asian, white, male, or 300 pounds.
It's still a big deal.
I don't care if you have a BMI of 0 or 100.
It's still important.
It's still a big deal.
And you're offensive.
AJ Dec 2013
Dry
Dry
Empty
Running out
Of alcohol.
AJ Nov 2013
Tick tock on the clock.
I know that you're still in shock
But now you must have less
Time to actually process
"Why me?"
Because you see.
You are you and I am me.
I am the sun,
And I am the moon.
I am the rain,
I am everything.
You just have to sit back and watch.
I will destroy you.
AJ Nov 2013
I just want to exhale you.
You've attached.
You're a leach.
Not on my heart,
But my soul
And my strength.
Not my happiness,
But my mind
And my ability to breath.
If you really hated me this much
You would let me out.
If you haven't heard the Abbey Road version of Rootless Tree, you're not living.
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