I don't want to be,
Amazing,
Just something,
More than yet,
Another face,
To someone,
Who meant everything

The truth is,
Nobody cares,
Who you are,
Or what you think,
They only see,
What they want to see

Consumed by remorse,
For honesty,
Regretful of mere existance,
Understanding is all,
She ever wanted,
The only reason,
She bothered to change,
But life has a habit,
Of being unpredictable

Staring down halls,
Of hollowness,
Alone in my past,
Defiant of the future,
Wondering,
Who am I?

Summer's emptiness,
Lengthens by the day,
Growing cold and dark,
The beginnings,
Of a desolate winter

Floating,
Pleasantly oblivious,
In false clarity,
'Til the sun goes down,
Tinting the sky,
A vibrant array,
Of golden red,
And sweet marigold hues,
I slip,
8eyond the safety,
Of the calm surface,
Sinking carelessly,
Allowing gravity to drown,
What's left,
Without a single attempt,
Of protest,
Drifting peacefully,
From conciousness,
Into the unknown,
With wistfulness,
Painted on my face,
As I die,
Searching hopelessly,
In the sky,
For him

Hollow,
Loneliness sets in,
Resting in the intangible,
The rain falls,
Drenching our cores,
Sinking right through,
To your eyes,
Gentle, smiling eyes,
Unreadable,
How I wish,
I could see,
Something beyond the obvious

I am cold,
The very incarnation,
Of emptiness,
Hail Mary
His corpse,
Consumes me,
Our Father
The rosewood,
Holding him,
Withing the herse,
Hail Mary
Who are we,
Without him

In such devastating times,
I sleep on shattered glass,
And bleed darkness,
Into the blackened sky,
For hope is lost,
Death has taken,
Everything,
But my steady heartbeat,
And left me to live,
In this emptiness

How can I be,
Anything more,
Than this,
With the weight,
Of so many burdens,
Hindering my sight,
And weighing me down

So confused,
In my state,
Of hollow despair,
Who are we,
To judge,
Or claim insight,
Into the minds,
Of others,
When we do not know,
Our own

I wake from emptiness,
Another day awaiting,
Pulling me from dreamlessness,
But this is not,
Just another day,
It it the day,
The one where the phone,
Screams from the wall,
And the voice,
Over the humming of static,
Whispers the words,
I've dreaded for so long,
It is that phone call,
It is that day,
That I wake to,
The day when existence,
Is aimless,
And tears accompany,
The morning rain,
Full of sorrow and regret,
All the while,
Hopelessness comsumes me,
As I think of all the words,
I never said,
And pray,
That the cruel sun,
Will have the decency,
To remain hidden,
Behind the clouds

I wrap my arms,
Tightly around,
My empty, shaking self,
Struggling to breathe,
Aching,
Inside and out,
So desperate,
For his promise,
And Death's mercy

As usual I'm unsure,
If all he is,
Are good intentions,
Laced around the temptation,
Of curiousity,
Could there be a dark side?
The thought of such,
A delicate evil,
Revives hopeful nausea,
And the consequence,
Overwhelmes me

The rumours,
Consume my confidence,
And my faith,
Collapses,
Along with my reasons,
To live

Time passes me by,
A little too fast,
A little too slow,
All my efforts,
Half-hearted,
Because I don't know,
Who I am,
Anymore

Wrapping my arms,
Around the emptiness,
That is your shadow,
You are far away,
As he is fading,
Everything falls,
Slipping through my fingers,
And shattering around me,
But all I can do,
Is stare

I love the way,
He says goodnight,
Like there's no such thing,
As goodbye,
He drives me wild,
With his clarity and perception,
It's in the way,
He clouds my direction,
And takes control,
So effortlessly,
He's exactly who,
I wanted him to be

I spend my days,
Staring out windows,
At effortless blue sky,
And the nights,
Blinking up,
At blatant, white ceilings,
Through the darkness,
Just waiting,
For it to be over

I stare at the girl,
In the mirror,
I wonder why she cries,
So often,
And where the brightness,
That was once in her eyes,
Has gone,
She asks me why,
These things keep happening,
She can't comprehend,
Why she feels so alone,

This isn't what she wanted

Your voice,
Motions a collosal shift,
From within me,
The words make changes,
Between us,
And I dream,
Of summer sun,
In your eyes,
As we collide

Wringing my hands,
As I walk down the hall,
Supressing the nausea,
My nails dig deep,
Through my soft wrists,
As I reach his door,
I hold my breath,
My heart pounds dangerously,
When I see him,
Surrounded by crisp white pillows,
And blue sheets,
He looks dead,
My mind screams,
I long to rip down the walls,
He murmurs,
Indeciferable words,
His voice rusty and unused,
I'm so scared,
Almost too scared to embrace him,
I think he might break,
The adults mummble,
Attempting to conceal,
The devestating topic of conversation,
Plans, decisions,
So many to be made,
I stifle the urge to cry,
We are all so empty,
And he is dying

Birds with wings,
They all have wings,
Some soar above the clouds,
Through the gloden rays,
Of the burning sun,
But not all are so blessed,
Others are shot down,
By a satisfying bang,
From the barrel of a loaded gun,
Pointed and aimed at feather planes,
Some are born,
Incapable of flight,
Earth-bound and dreaming,
Of days filled with sky,
Yet the saddest,
Of flightless birds,
Are those who flew,
And woke with broken wings

It's times like this,
When the seconds drag on,
And your silence,
Becomes unbearable,
That I think about the words,
What they mean,
What do they mean?
Maybe I shouldn't trust you,
So easily, so soon,
When it's still possible,
You're no different,
From anyone else,
But it seems,
I can't help myself

Nothing's quite clear,
The room spinning out of control,
Too much blood to the head,
So much to think about,
Everything is on my mind,
All at once,
His silence is too loud,
The ambulance, the hospital,
Death and illness,
Does he hate me?
Few of many thoughts,
That plague my mind,
When I should be sleeping,
But even in my dreams,
The find me somehow

When he stops speaking,
The emptiness overtakes me,
Hollowness grows within,
The room spins fast,
My mind fills with questions,
I write them in the starts,
Above me, above us,
Where's and why's and how's,
I throw them, silver,
Into the black empyrean

When my mind traces,
Back a thousand steps,
And I revisit old scars,
I wish he knew,
About my past,
But how can I,
Allow myself to be,
So vulnerable,
Even if I found the words,
I know he'll never understand,
Because nobody will feel the pain,
Like I do

Death shadows,
Over the empty house,
He looks upon,
The girl and the gunshot wound,
Through her ivory temple,
Spattered beautifully,
With fresh, crimson tears,
He witnesses her,
Breathing for the last time,
Before he takes,
Life from her discarded body,
And hears her last thought,
Echoing within the dark room,
He listens as she wonders:
*How will he find out?

Before I retreated,
To the safety,
Of my wardrobe walls,
Nine words escaped,
My father's lips,
I know this is going to upset you but...
Frantic, I did not wait,
To hear the rest,
But slammed the closet door,
And disappeared,
Into the darkness

I walk through the maze,
That is my life,
Sometimes I run,
But at every turn,
Disappointment,
Betrayal,
Death,
They all catch me out,
Forcing me down,
To where I "belong",

I don't belong down there,

Every so often,
He takes their place,
In the corner,
Between the paths of my maze,
A little light amidst the dark,
Keep going, you must keep going,
I will,

A promise I know I'll keep

It's stupid,
How we come to trust,
Someone,
Because they listen,
And then, as if you never expected it,
They turn around,
With the same old smile,
In their eyes,
And slap you in the face,
And all you can do,
Is feel the bitterness,
Burning so deep,
Scaring your blood-stained skin,
And you can't help but wonder,
*Why?

It's that same,
Nauseating feeling,
Stuck in my throat,
I could almost throw up,
That feeling of betrayal,
Poisoning my thoughts,
I lean over the sink,
I can't win,
Never,
I want to run away,
Because I can never seem,
To understand,
Why me?

I change my mind,
I want to die.

It's funny how easily,
The lies slip,
From my lips,
'Are you okay, Nicola?',
Of course,
I tell them all,
(Except for him, of course),
Lies, lies, lies,
It's obvious I'm dying,
But it's for their own good,
Love trumps morals,
If they knew...
It would all be over,
Just not in the way,
I want it to be

If I could paint the world,
One colour,
It would be,
Grey,
Neither black, nor white,
Neutral,
Soft,
Warm,
It's true,
It's not a 'real' colour,
But it's far more forgiving

I wonder how,
I could have trusted in God,
For so long,
Spent so many hours,
No, wasted them,
Praying so fervently,
Idolising thin air,
Believing faith,
Would provide comfort,
But instead, it left me,
Hopeless and broken,
Because miracles are mythical,
Tireless prayer and devotion,
Won't turn back time,
Or heal wounds and ease troubled minds,
So why do I still wear,
This crusifix?

Euphoria has a habit,
Of making me,
Restless, jumpy,
But not in the same way,
The paranoia does,
This time,
I'm filled with something,
Lighter than air,
I'm to awake,
Too alive,
To sleep,
Gravity cannot hold me,
In my chair,
Or keep my feet,
On the ground,
And my mind,
From the clouds,
The rarest thing of all:
A smile, a laugh,
That for once,
Is utterly genuine,
Not feigned in the least,
Because I'm beyond,
Euphoria

I can't read the words,
Without tears forming,
In the corners of my eyes,
You were there for me,
I should have been there too,
I love you,
I'm sorry,
It's such an understatement,
To say I was merely,
"There" for you,
How can you ask me,
To forgive you,
After you left me,
For so long,
So many nights the paranoia,
Kept me awake,
The ambulance sirens,
Scarring my mind,
With blood and suicide,
I don't want you to love me,
I don't want to be second best,
Not again,
Not after everything you put me through,
There's nothing left to say,
Goodbye.

You don't annoy me at all,
In fact, I'd go crazy,
Without our ongoing conversation,
Shouldn't you know by now,
That I'm only lying,
When I tell you,
I'm fine, don't worry,
Because I just can't stand,
The thought of you,
Wasting time,
Worrying if I'll be okay,
Lying awake night after night,
The way I worried,
About him,
I want you to,
All the same,
Just so I'd know,
If you care,
But the guilt,
Would **** me