When he dies,
I will miss,
His wrinkled leather hands,
And withdraw,
From trivial conversation,
Despising laughter,
Choking for air,
All the while,
Sitting in silence,
While they move,
Laughing and smiling,
Quarelling over nothing in particular,
For time will not stop,
In their shallow world,
As it will,
In mine

I have a dream,
That we could lie,
Under the summer night sky,
Beneath the lonely stars,
Just you and me,
The soft, green grass,
Under our backs,
Nowhere but up,
And your heart will beat,
Dangerously fast with mine,
The world too far away,
Just us and the sky,
With Panic! in the background,
"I wanna live a life from a new perspective",
Over and over again,
'Til we fall asleep,
Intertwined

Drowning in my sorrow,
With nowhere to go,
There's no up or down,
Just the weight,
Of recent events,
Crushing my chest,
Suffocating me,
While I wait,
For something, someone,
To ease the burden,
And hold the pieces together,
Before they fall to the floor,
Where I lie,
Longing for something so simple,
For an embrace that says it all:
I love you,
I'm not going to leave you,
We'll get through it together,
Just something that's real,
That doesn't slip through my fingers,
Leaving me with a handful,
Of empty air

I should like,
To abandon gravity,
And float,
Amongst the stars,
Where rushed embraces,
Fleeting, fumbling fingers,
And urgent kisses,
Do not leave me,
So dis-satisfied,
And hungry,
For prolongued collisions,
And tenderly whispered quotations,
Of love and death,
Sung so sweetly,
From your lips,
As to cause blood to rush,
Under your cool fingers,
As our hearts pound,
In syncronisation,
Counting the inconstant time,
With skipped beats,
And delayed breaths,
So easily over-looked,
And in spite of the warning,
They possess,
Forgiven and forgotten

Looking up,
To the clouds,
Bearing my soul,
To the Summer sky,
Bleeding,
Under the dome,
Of perfect blue,
Fractured but serene,
Because he feels,
So real,
So honest,
Nothing like I've known,
But so much more

I'm losing control,
Watching his body go limp,
In my mind,
Imagining his eyes rolling back,
And gradually closing,
Feeling his heart,
Halt to a sudden stop,
And visuallising his unmoving chest,
His head lolling and heavy,
The image unhinges me,
Heart too fast,
Eyes wide open,
Body shaking,
*Just another flashback

I know I'm missing out,
But it doesn't bother me,
Not all the time,
Because mostly,
I don't feel anything,
But the pain

The best word for me,
Must be fragile,
Easily broken,
Sensitive to touch,
Too soon shattered,
I don't fit in with stereotypes,
I'm too much of everything,
To be one,
Young at heart,
But an old soul,
Damaged goods,
With wounds that don't heal,
And a mind that bleeds,
In words

It's 1am,
And sleep just can't stop,
The flow of thought,
28 degrees,
And I'm still cold enough,
To need winter sheets,
6 more weeks,
And I won't feel it,
Not at all,
Because I won't think,
2 more months,
And I won't have the words,
To explain this despair,
Or, like in this fevered moment,
There shall be too many,
That bleed from my mind,
Into new verses,
That make words seem useful,
Though they hold no purpose,
Because words, letters,
They do not suffice,
I need slamming doors,
Blood-stained fingers,
Old clocks that tick tock,
Shredded manuscripts tinted with age,
Broken glass,
Just something other than this

Why is it,
That whenever I need someone most,
They seem to disappear,
To evaporate into a substance,
Thinner than this stale air,
Leaving me,
A mess

I'm wondering why,
God betrayed religion,
So blatantly,

Why there's nothing,
The doctors can do,
Absolutely nothing,

Why they never told me,
"He hasn't got long",

Why I won't be able to say,
"I love you",
Enough times,
Before his blood runs cold,

Why the air doesn't fill me,
With life,
But with nausea,

*Couldn't it all just be okay?

Lying awake,
Night after night,
This one particularly painful,
Much worse, too restless,
Forcing me to resort,
To child-like comforts,
To ease the pain,
Of fresh, bleeding wounds,
And substitute the lack,
Of welcomed restraint, of warmth,
That comes from the person,
Who can't offer it,
At this most eminent moment,
While I suffer,
Bleeding, breaking,
In silence

I can't breathe,
I don't want to,
The thought of living,
Makes me feel sick,
I can't control,
The flow of tears,
I'm just screaming,
For air,
Or better yet,
Someone to hold,
While I collapse,
Into a mess of tears and blood,
On the cold, hard floor,
Tearing at the walls,
And ripping my heart to shreds

Anchored in my place,
By the fatal news,
My tired eyes leaking,
My heart, heavy as stone,
Bleeding and torn,
I knew this day would come,
Never did I think this soon,
He always seems so young,
To my naive hazel eyes,
But to mark the day,
Of the heart-breaking event,
Makes it real for once,
No longer can I pretend,
That the sun will shine,
And God will spare him,
For two months time,
Shall come too soon,
And ****** him,
From my arms,
No matter how tight my grasp,
My heart stops at the thought,
Of seeing him so frail,
Helpless and...dying,
In the hospital bed,
Knowing how many seconds,
Minutes, hours, days,
I have left,
To say the things,
I always wanted to say,
But can never speak,
To breathe in his presence,
To feel warmth on his fingertips,
Before Death takes him,
Somewhere he'll never be found,
And leave me prey,
To grief and tears,
To watch the Earth swallow him,
In his newly dug grave,
While I stand by,
Helpless, alone,
Lost in a sea of black

Complexity,
Challenging the world,
She's not a simple problem,
I'm still trying to figure out,
Her past,
In regards to the puzzle of her present

Such a sweet suffocation,
Welcomed with open arms,
Too trusting,
But not wrong in their faith

Nothing can explain me,
Not at this moment,
For I am too ecstatic,
Too over-whelmed by joy,
A joy I'd never thought,
I could feel so strong

Lying awake,
In my safe, warm bed,
Aching to surrender,
To sleep,
But fighting to stay,
Awake, thinking,
For thought, by far,
Is a sweeter indulgence,
Than the comfort,
Of unconciousness