I thought I was done with that part of my life.
I thought I was done with feeling cheap and used.
I've proven to be too weak when I'm faced with him.
I could have waited to be with the man I care about.
But when the old flame turned up, I couldn't say no.
I'm disappointed.

You, the first, were totally wrong for me
But I couldn't resist falling madly in love with you.
We both knew we wouldn't last, you were sweet about it
But I made myself feel totally used by you.
What we had was pure meaningless passion
But as fun as it was, it meant I had those creeping feelings of worthlessness.
When we fought, I felt like my world was crashing down
But when we made up, I felt like you built it back up again.
You finally left me on a hot day in May
But I console myself with the fact that it was inevitable.

You, the current, are kind and genuine
But I rarely get to see that because I rarely get to see you.
We're such similar beings except you are a good person
But that's what made me love you.
I envy you your sense of compassion that radiates through your skin
But the fact that you project it on to me, gives me a sense of worth.
We share some fun-filled days and intimate nights
But I have to cherish every one of them as I never know when the next will be.
And who knows where this relationship will go
But I do know that you bring out the best in me, and I don't want to bring you down.

And I realise these men are polar opposites.
One made me feel better than him.
One makes me feel better because of him.
They may not always be in my heart,
But they will always be in my head.

It is days like these which hurt the most.
The days where all emotion is drained from you
And you are left wondering why you are so very empty.
Why you are so apathetic.
And it scares you
Because you are so used to feeling one extreme or another.

I'd rather be spiraling down into a deep depression.
I'd rather be as high as a ******* kite.
At least it means I know how I'm feeling.
At least I'm not empty, wondering who I am
And where I belong, because it sure isn't here.

I can adapt to my sadness.
I can learn
To cope with the bouts of tears.
To understand my hatred of myself.
To prevent the existential crises.

I can adapt to my mania.
I can learn
To cope with the bouts of laughter.
To understand the delusional thoughts
To prevent the existential crises.

I can't adapt to emptiness
I can't learn
To cope with what?
To understand what?
To prevent what?

Nothing.
Absolutely nothing.
When there is nothing being felt
There is nothing to analyse
And nothing to act on.

And to be completely honest
I am comfortable in my instability.
It may be horrible.
It may make me doubt my worth.
It may make me want to die.
It may make me want to take over the world.
But I doubt I could live out my life
Feeling as empty as I do now
Without ending it all.
And I hate to say that
My mental illness saved my life
Although I'm not as grateful as I should be
For something that saved me
Because it destroyed me as simultaneously.

They say a change is as good as a rest
And I didn't realise how true that was
Until I was sat in that quiet pub
In Glasgow on a Saturday night
With him buying me drinks and cuddling up
Telling everyone I was of age
And that we were together.
Customers came and went
But we just sat there for a while
Enjoying each others company.
Telling me how much I'd grown up
Since the last time he saw me
When I was the little girl
Who would get embarrassed
Whenever he talked to me
Because he was a big kid.
Telling him that he hadn't changed
And that he was still the handsome young man
I remember having a crush on.
Telling him that I've got an early start tomorrow
And that I need to catch up on some sleep.
Hinting more like.
He took the hint like I hoped he would
And we returned to that simple flat of his.
And after the wonderful night we shared
I woke up in the morning feeling better than ever
As if all my problems had melted away in the heat of the night.
I had never felt so refreshed and genuinely happy
And there he was staring at me and smiling
My heart broke as I realised I had to say goodbye
And it all came crashing down again.
I had to leave Scotland and him behind again.

So here I am
Once again
Trying to drown
My awful thoughts
With the bottle of *****
I hold so close to me.

Lighting cigarette
After cigarette
Hoping the the smoke
I hold in my lungs
Will replace the emptiness
I have inside me.

But each sip of *****
Fuels more and more
Undesirable thoughts
And each inhalation
Of cigarette smoke
Reminds me I'm still alone.

I slip slowly into
A drunken stupor
And shed my tears
Like I would shed my skin
And when I wake up tomorrow
I will be as good as new.

This is my ritual
To **** myself
And be reborn the next day
Whenever the burden
Is too heavy
And I need a clean slate.

You bring out the worst in me.
You make me envy others.

I envy the girls who catch your eye.
When I see you captivated by their looks and words,
I realise that I am just a passing fancy.

I envy the people who see you every day,
So much so that they can take it for granted.
When I see you, I have to take advantage of every second.

I envy the girl at the coffee shop,
Who takes your order in the morning.
She already knows more about you than I do.

I envy all the people you care for,
The ones you have time for.
But not me, because I'm insignificant to you.

I have an issue with people.
They make me either very scared or very uncomfortable.
Is it my fault? Have I built total strangers up in my head to be dangerous individuals?
Or are those adorable old ladies at the bus stop going to **** me if I get any closer to them? Probably yes so I’ll walk in the opposite direction.

I have an issue with people.
They make me either very vulnerable or very closed off.
It is my fault. I constantly struggle to decide who is worthy of my trust and who is not. The ***** who is manipulating me gets more attention than the nice guy who I've pushed away.

I have an issue with people.
They make me doubt everything I have ever known.
It is all my fault. I focus to much of my mental energy, thinking and thinking about people. Analysing every flippant comment they make and taking everything to heart.

I shouldn't be around people.