This overwhelming temptation
To give into this addiction,
Rather than suppressing it,
Training myself to be
Someone that is no longer free.

You didn't deserve those harsh words
I threw at you the other night,
And I don’t deserve your forgiveness.

We hurled spiteful, bitter spikes at each other.
Mine bounced off of you,
Yours sunk deep into my chest, and stayed for a while.

Shouting and screaming,
Not knowing quite why.
And it was all my fault that things went awry.

I doubted your motives,
I didn't want to be vulnerable in front of you.
So instead, I turned against you and fought, unnecessarily.

I left, to contemplate what had happened.
I came back, to make amends, and take back those spikes of mine,
And you collected yours as well, and promised to throw them away.

And so we sat there, I in your embrace,
Taking advantage of this intimacy while I could,
Because this isn't going to last.

I still doubt your motives, your words, this whole relationship,
But the shame, guilt, secrecy and sneaking around,
Do not nearly outweigh the bliss I feel when I am with you.

Not even a little bit.

I live on a steady diet
Of self-loathing and anxiety,
At least I know I will never be malnourished.
I will never go hungry.
By feeding myself this negativity
I’ve developed a barrier
High enough so that no-one can deprive me
Of what I need to survive.
By feeding myself this negativity
I’ve become stronger,
It protects me from predators,
Trying to claw and tear me to shreds.
I am no longer allergic to their toxicity.
I’ve become tolerant.
I’ve become immune.
I’ve become invincible.