;it irks me.*

Once you get used to it, you fall into a habit. You know it is hurting you but you have no will of stopping. It's like an adrenaline rush you get while speeding on the highway; the only difference is that every second you feel like your bones are crashing. And that is as though you are not a wreck, yet.

You never wanted to get a hold on anyone, or let anyone get a hold on you. This way, you'd never have to let go. Sometimes you wished you would lose your grip on the steering wheel- you were driving a hearse. Just as a carnival is not complete without a couple of thrills, a self-celebratory festival is not complete without a free fall down the cliff. There's something exhilarating about pain that keeps you awake, and somehow you thought that happiness takes your consciousness away. They say when you hit rock bottom, there's no way to go but up. Have you ever seen what's at the end, though? Just a pile of scrap metal, splinters, and broken bones. There is no difference between a dwelling built from wood and nails, from a coffin.

If they said you were a star, is that why anyone who gets too close to you ends up getting scorched? If they said you were an ocean, is that why people never cared if they drowned in love? If they said you were the sky; is that why you were always so out of touch, as if you were never one with the world?

love of mine
i've missed your shades of white
the soft crisp linen of our mornings
and that ridiculously contagious smile of yours
i've missed your fingertips dancing across my body
as if i am a page of your mile-long poem
that keeps going on
and on

love of mine
i've missed your ******* eyes
your aspirin lips
your vanilla mind
i've missed your cloudy thoughts
of universes expanding
and love everlasting

love of mine
i've kept the butterflies in my stomach
that you still haven't set free
and i've postponed the parade in my head to another day
to stop you from missing a hint of the fireworks
i've never known love could be so blindingly strong
and i should be sorry i didn't find it any sooner

i've missed you
and i apologise that i am no longer with you






the one i loved
i've missed your hues of grey
the edgy city lights at night
and those unbelievably sad eyes of yours
i've missed your fingers that hold on so tightly to the locks of my hair
as if i am a book with yellow pages
whose words keep fading
and fading

the one i loved
i've missed your smoky eyes
your sunset lips
your dusty mind
i've missed your indefinite thoughts
of oblivion nearing
and the eye of your hurricane

the one i loved
i've repainted the charred walls
that you threw your sparks at
and i've called the locksmith
so the creatures of the night will not sneak in
i've never known a beast could reside in my head
and you should be sorry you left him there

i've missed you
and i am sorry for i no longer love you

I'd watch you live your life,
for I forgot how I'd live mine.

I would have lied if I said we were a bed of roses. It seemed too much like we were only a bouquet of flowers. I did not tire of watching sun rays bask on our skins. But I have been losing count of sunsets and you have been losing hue. There was never a 'too late to part' and I dread for the sun to rise. You were never a rose with thorns. And there was no beauty in the world; as in a definition. Perhaps you were aware. Your touch on my skin is cold and fear is a monster; you either tame it, or be subdued. If we weren't merely numbers of the yesteryears, I do not understand why these meadows remind me of a barren field.

You claim you have never seen a supernova. Perhaps you hadn't witness beautiful things explode with such brilliance and never again.

If we all had a role to play on this earth, I'd say some are astronomists. They never stopped longing for the taste of a spark so distant, light years away; they never stopped chasing the lights that perished way back in time- that could only compare to a flickering candle but never to the twinkle in one's eyes.

Perhaps those who believed that we were made of stardusts, believed that what's inside of us were never alive.

i tried everything to
lock you out of my mind,
threw away the keys,
begged the voices in my head to shush,
so you'll never be lead in.

but through all the rush,
you never failed to find your way through,
under the creaks and
through the cracks of the door.

you would light my heart into pretty neons
then plunge me into darkness once more,
with the fact that i'll never find my way
to your thoughts through the door.

well, we both know
i'll never get a chance to turn the ****
to your door no matter
how much i hope or try.

i will never cross
y o u r      m i n d

i have it easier cocooned in the sand
i can't breathe but it's warm in here
i can't walk a sandstorm in the desert place
i really can't

i do not need an oasis
just a voice to keep me safe
even if it's only the mere existence
i can find the strength that i need
i really can

Bones are ****** dry and carcasses are licked clean
Voices are taken away
Who would be there to tell you,
that you do not deserve this?
They are obliged to make every dream of yours
a combination of different hells.
The banshee is a devil,
for she daren't call for you;
and you daren't call for her.

These staircases spiral into traps
and the sun cuts these diamonds like a blade;
the night hides all the faces you have ever dreamed of
and sleep leaves you drenched in the venom of your very own fears.
Few knew how many battles have been fought in a losing war
and fewer knew better than to make it out half alive.

Perhaps a blessing in disguise,
or a master of disguise:
when they leave you alone, they really do.
and it'd be less of a chore
to speak to yourself, instead of for yourself
or to those around you.
An eagle is born to be held captive-
and when they will you to fly,
you would.

Some wake in the dusk
Some brew the wrong cup of coffee
Some brew the same kind of storm
It's hard to know if you were awake
or alive
when your name never did sound right
coming from someone else's lips.

If he ever tells you stuff, please hear him out.
Believe him when he says he's blown the slates off the roof
It's nothing but the truth and he isn't lying
People break down so slowly, you can barely hear them.
They're like snow on the mountain top
building up so much pressure within the cold thin air
And just a drop of a stone could trigger an avalanche
And it's just that wisp of breath before they are gone forever.

Ever told the weeds by the sidewalk of your self-loathe?

I wish I was stronger than this
I'm caving in again
I wish I was better than this
I can't seem to take away the pain

If I was given a chance
To go back in time
Maybe my soul would be
Worth more than a dime

If silence isn't surrounded by voices
And rusty skulls could flake
Maybe I wouldn't have embraced
These desires to fade

I wish I do not feel so alone
In this 40 square feet
But no one knows the darkness
Better than those who seen it

The last time I put pen to paper,
I spilled ink-
a tad too much.

I rewrote the same lines.

   rewrote the same lines.

                 the same lines.

                       same lines.

                                  lines.

over and over and over again until it bore a hole into the paper. And that was where I first believed that if anything was real, it will fall apart.

I found these pages that broke loose from the spine of a fairy tale book:

1) What isn't new? Walking on glass.
              These voices in the ball.
      " If the shoe fits" 
                                         " wear it"
    No.       They never had the chandelier fit 
        in place.
You had a smile that could light the hall up.      (    side      down    )
                 
When the clock strikes 12,  I'd suggest you light a match instead.

2) M' Lady, let down thy hair?

Damsel or ******,
 
                   behind these castle walls,

in distress.

When people say they'd die for some company,
             do they really?

3) Mirror, Mirror on the wall,
    Who's the prettiest of ---

    Monsters have green eyes ---

    Plump lips; kissable, aren't they?

    Ye--- I meant no. 
    Look me in the eye.
    You didn't witness how desperately, ---

     I don't see the point ---

     she tried to wipe the poison off her lips.

      Put these seven dwarves to sleep.
      
      Talk to the mirror again.

4) Close your eyes. What kisses you awake is fear.

5) Red eyes. Bared teeth. 

" You don't look the same."

You have been warned about speaking of home to strangers. The heart of it all: you were the leader of the pack.

6) Cry wolf then **** it. Before it kills you.
- end of extracts-


It was torn apart; therefore, it must be real.
I was real; therefore, I have been torn apart.

Was.

Erase every line I wrote.

Erase every line.

Erase the hole I bore in that piece of paper I last put my pen to.
I have learnt that if I didn't want to fall apart,
then I should set fire to the books I used to love.
The very ones that read
" Set yourself on fire;
you can't see in the dark."

the reflection in the water was something i hate
"get me out!" she screamed.

"i'm sorry." i said.
a storm formed somewhere and the waves came ashore.

since then i heard of her no more.

She called me by my name
The shine in her eyes were missing
Her voice was a blizzard
Her lips were a tight line
And I thought that it was my fault,
Because I was so afraid
I pushed her away
And she stopped coming back.

I called her by her nickname today
I tried to reignite the stars in her eyes
I dug so much out of my voice for her
Her lips were a slight curve
And I thought that it will be my fault
Because I am fearful once more
And if i pushed her away,
She might never come back.

let me say sorry to every one i have ever written about
let me say sorry to every thing i left in order in order to make me feel alright
let me say sorry to every friendship i have ruined as i only looked at the ugly side
let me say sorry to every bottle i drank from and broke
let me say sorry to every individual i pushed and pulled and pushed and pulled
let me say sorry to every strand of my hair i pulled and pulled and pulled and pulled
let me say sorry for being sorry for every ******* thing

these are the nights i feel like giving up. i don't want to go to school tomorrow. and i am too lazy to even organize my thoughts into lines and lines of pretty words. i let my mind take over me. i let it run into walls and i watch it fall into the dumps. i can't control my thoughts anymore and i don't know how to stop them. i want to find someone to talk to but who can i really? no one knows how this feels. i don't even know what i'm feeling. what do i like and what do i dislike? i don't know. who am i? i don't know. i want to get better and at the same time i just want to fade away but i know i won't be able to face the consequences. giving up will only make things worse. i know because i don't know where i am anymore because i gave up the last time. but i am tired. helpless. and i still might not want help. and it ***** really. to see others have been getting on pretty great without me. i should be grateful i haven't dragged them down. but i feel like they have clean forgotten about me. and only turn around when i call, say a few words out of obligation and pretend to cheer me on. it hurts to see how far ahead everyone have gotten while i've been busy digging my own grave. i'm out of breath i don't know if i can continue. i want to run in the same lap i want to be happy i want to enjoy life again but i don't know. i don't know how. because i was happy from Sunday to Thursday but I fell back down on Thursday night and I don't know if i can get up again.

today i woke to my alarm ringing
it wasn't because the clock was ringing
but because someone tapped me on my shoulder
but when i opened my eyes
everyone in my room was still fast asleep

it's night time and i am laying in my bed again
not because i was tired and i needed to sleep
but because i felt like someone was watching me in the living room
so now i'm in my bed, safer but still scared
both the fans in my room were switched on
usually one of them is switched off
and i thought i saw a shadow move
the door made a noise just now as if someone just pushed it without turning the ****

i am afraid right now of what i'm not sure
these are probably part of my imagination
and all these signs mean nothing
just me reading into things again
i always do so especially at night
and unhealthy and self-destructive habits have taken their toll on me

it's late, i know.
and i should be asleep.

It's 2 a.m. again. The curtains are closed but lights still creep in and I can't quite figure why the blades of this ******* fan keeps blowing wind in my eyes or why the lamps never stopped buzzing your name after I flung it off the desk. I can't fathom the pain it takes to rid these weeds off my hair but I do know I could only grow flowers after I've plucked them all out. I can never finish cleaning the dirt under my nails and I'm getting tired of keeping them trimmed. And I believe I've waited far too long to still believe that ghosts do exist in these walls or that monsters do hide under the bed. I know what's good for me but the last red light I saw was at the crossroad. Please believe me when I say I can't fall asleep. This bed is far too warm for my liking.

Maybe some believed in cracks in the pavement more than intricately carved stones
And you preferred protecting others to being protected
Till now, I have not figured if we felt like the same home.

That layer of dust on your seat did not spell
The words I thought your bones would
And I chose not to believe when she told me about you
See maybe she was wrong
But she was the reason you never got out of your house since March last year

How does it feel to see silhouettes walking past your bed in the day?
You can be sure they weren’t ghosts but I was certain
There’s something under my bed
How does it feel to go against God’s wishes?
I don’t believe in Him, but I have the answer.
And you still are the same to me.

You wouldn't say it was okay
That I was a few hours late
But you said we should be happy tonight
And we wouldn't stop looking back
Till the trees cut you from my sight
And the trees cut me from your sight.

I remember the firm fist pumps you would give
And how we’d get excited over a keyboard game
I remember how the cool evening breeze
Swung the chair by your friend’s patio
Till the skies turned dark blue
Our emotions weren't any shade of that

We finished counting stars in the city in just a few seconds
Before miles and miles of land and sea shall grow
And all the voices get littered in between
But it didn’t matter that we wouldn't stare at the same moon

For I believe five years down the road,
We’d exchange weeds we uprooted from between the cracks
And we would forgo the ugliness
Because you will be strong, and I will too.

Life has been kind to me, I just haven't been kind to myself.

They say the sense of hearing
is the last to leave,
I hope you are louder than
my demons' screams.