Darkness

swallows the light

dampening her spirit

making it impossible to breathe

what is the point

in carrying on?

why is it so
******* hard
for you to realise
that i’ll always be your
child, your blood
and that’s never going to change
just because the gender
i was assigned at birth
is different
than my real one
doesn’t mean
i’ll stop loving you
because you’re my dad
and i love you more than anything
i hate myself
so ******* much
i don’t think you
really know
that i wish i wasn’t like this
it’s not because i think it’s cool
or cute or a joke
i hate this body
i was born in
i want it to change
i know that
i’ll never really escape this
that you’ll always
see me as the little girl they told you i was
but i really
really
really
hate who i am
i would rather die
than stay trapped inside this body
i love you so much
i hope you know that
because you are everything to me
and i don’t want to lose you, too.

When I get upset,

All I can think about

Is holding someone’s hand.

I wish that hand

Could be yours.

Why not?

A gentle breeze,

Playing with her cascading

Tendrils of chestnut-brown hair,

Making her sundress

Flutter around her knees.

The crystal-clear waves

Break as they hit the shore.

And with the wind,

By the light of the fire,

She whispers

I love you…

It was way after
11:11,
But still,
I was thinking of you.
Because you never
Ever
Ever
Leave my mind.

Your eyes
Speak more
Words
Than your
Lips ever
Could.

My words
They rip everything apart
They are merciless
But my hands
Are soft
And they love to hold on to yours
Never letting go
Like my words
Our hands
Belong together
My words
Don’t really belong to you
They aren’t fair to you
Because you
You are sweet
You are kind
You are strong
You are you
And I can never put that into words
No matter how hard I try.

WHY DON’T YOU LISTEN TO ME
I DID NOTHING WRONG

How long will it take them to realize

That “you” don’t exist?

That you’re a figment of my imagination

A combination of all I have ever loved,

Ever lost?

A mixture of all the good

And all the bad

From each of them,

But in moderation.

Because I know,

You’d never dream of hitting me

Or ****** me.

You always ask

In breathless, day-dream whispers

Is this okay?

You always make sure

You haven’t hurt me

And you take care of me.

I wish you were mine.

I found someone ideal.

He’s a lot like you.

He says he likes me too

But I’m not sure I believe him,

Because he likes her too.

And with each passing day,

I miss you more and more

And believe in him

Less and less.

You.
You make me feel secure
In who I am.

You have never teased me
Have never been rude
About my identity.

You say you’re bi
Put I’m trans.
Maybe I’m just an exception?

Today you used my correct pronouns
And I was so happy.
You were too.

You try.
You really do.
And that’s amazing.

You say love is fake,
But you love me still.
Because I am your fate.

When I look at you,
I see all the good
And all the bad.

When I look at you,
I see a young man
Trying so hard to find his place in the world.

When I look at you,
I see love in your eyes.
They’re always twinkling when we’re flirting.

When I look at you,
I see you,
As you are.

The soft ballad

Trickles into my ears,

Dancing down my spine.

Light on guitar,

Heavy on drums and piano.

It exists,

Like me,

Only to amaze you.

If it weren’t for you,

I’d perish

Because you are the only thing

Tying me

To this life.                              

You and the music.

So as we lie here,

On the sandy beach,

Water tickling our toes

And the stars illuminating the soft skin

Of your face,

I sigh.

Finally,

I am able to breathe.

With you here,

In my arms,

I know peace.

you are my poetry
you are my aesthetic
you are my music
you are my art
you are mine.

you are so lovely
and I hope
that you realise
you are worth so much more
than you think you are.
when I told you I was leaving
you did it again
I hope you realise
that it makes me feel like it’s all my fault
and I can’t bear that weight
on these shoulders
because you mean so much to me
I care so much about you—
perhaps too much, if I’m being honest—
and I can’t bear to lose you forever.

I let you take it from me,

All of it,

Because I thought you loved me.

I thought I loved you, too.

But now that I’m not there anymore,

You’ve changed.

Instead of careful whispers

And tender nights

In the back of that ****** van,

I have bitter memories

And regret.

You didn’t deserve me.

And I didn’t deserve you.

You’ve become such an ***.

Everyone messages me

Telling me how awful you are.

I let you take what little innocence

I had left.

You don’t know how ****** I feel now.

And I don’t mean this literally,

But,

****. You.

i never talked to you in freshman year
did you know we became freshman six years ago?
it feels like yesterday.
but i watched.
i watched from afar, and one day
i got caught.
caught by my ex best friend,
and he told your ex girlfriend
and i wasn't allowed to talk to you after that.
i sat by you at lunch sometimes,
later in high school,
but you were always really shy.
so was i, how was i supposed to talk to you?
you're beautiful.
and i look like this.
those eyes,
they were a new beginning
a warm welcome
they were inviting and striking and full of fear
they are still like that today
greens, blues, browns
the most beautiful hazel
you can see the storm clouds when you get angry
or scared
or depressed
like when you remember him.
they're strong
and terrifying
and loving.
they're yours
and they're mine.

I exist, sadly,

Not because I am

And not because I do.

I exist

Because you think I do.

Maybe I’m just a figment

Of your imagination.

Maybe I exist

As a tool for your usage,

Your leisure.

For some,

I exist to torment.

For others, I exist

As a friend.

But for none

Do I exist

To love endlessly

With their entire being.

I do not exist

To feel

That which I do not

Deserve.