Get out Get out Get out

Get out of my head

Leave me alone

Let me be

Why did you choose me?

Am I that weak?

Am I predictable?

Easy?

Or did you see the strength in me

And decide to slowly chip at it

Make it wear away

Little by little

Bit by bit

Piece by piece.

Do I exist

As a figment of imagination?

Or as a toy?

A tool?

Am I simply hear for your amusement?

I said

LEAVE ME ALONE

…no?

I’m sorry

I’m so ******* sorry

I know you’re stronger

You own me

I belong to you…

You win.

I am a scintilla,
A little blip on the radar
A barely detectable tumor on an MRI
The dullest star in the night sky.
I am,
But barely.
I’m the one
Who walks in the back of the group.
I’m the one
People only come to if they want something.
I’m the one
Who never gets invited to parties.
I’m there,
But nobody bothers to notice me.

This is SENSUCHT.
This feeling I have,
The longing for something far away.
I want happiness
But it’s too far
Out of reach
Incomprehensible.

She stares at the blade in her right hand

the red lines covering her legs and both arms

making it impossible to see clearly

clouded by depression, tears, and self-hatred.

She cries for her best friend, who tried to end his own life the week before.

She cries for her mother, who tried to **** herself in front of her own child's eyes

She cries for the four boys at school who took theirs.

She cries from pain, sorrow, heartbreak, disgust.

The blade shimmers as it hits the tile floor

she picks up the pills

30 of them.

she'd been refusing to take her antidepressants

what was the point anyway?

she opened the bottle

poured the little white drugs into her freshly emptied hand

grabbed the full glass of tepid water

and downed them both.

She was beginning to feel dizzy

the cuts were so deep this time

but it was worth it

all of it

just to end the pain.

She stripped down to her underwear

and climbed into the tub.

She breathed in deep

coughing painfully

the burn was dull

but the eventual relief would be worth it.

She wanted to make sure she got it right this time

so she dumped bleach into the hot water

screaming as it burns her

crying as it seeps into her open gashes

croaking as she takes her final breaths

but as she lets go

she smiles

for the first time in a long time.

I'm home.

They say the shy ones

Are always the spunkiest

The craziest

The most fun

But I say

We’re not

We’re terrified of interaction

Your judgement

Your hatred.

Our voices are soft

And quiet

But our minds are loud

Our thoughts tear us to shreds

Leaving us with nothing

But tears in our eyes

Disappointment in our hearts

Scars on our bodies

And smoke in our lungs.

We are nothing

With

Or without

You.

Sleep is great,

Sometimes,

Because you’re not dead

But you’re not awake.

The problem is,

You don’t appreciate it

Until you wake up.

It’s an open polygamous relationship

With death

And life.

IF
I
DIE
WILL
IT
MAKE
YOU
SMILE?
BECAUSE
TRUST
ME
HONEY,
IT'S
WOR­TH
IT.

Snow, drifting on a cloudless night

The only light is that which reflects

From the stringed lights onto that snow

The air is crisp

A definite chill is in the air

Cardinals balance on icy branches

Fir trees rustle in the gentle breeze

I sit, and I ponder,

What is my purpose?

Am I really as rare and unique

As each and every snowflake?

Or are we all uniform,

Pretending to be something we are not

Simply to make ourselves

Feel better, filled with false security

Self-imposed confidence and

Haughty apprehension?

As I sit there

And stare at the children

Playing, running, singing

Wrapped in their tiny scarves

Small, mittened hands reaching

For their parent’s large, bare ones,

I wonder:

Is it our families who start to shape

The mold of our lives?

I look up
And almost always
I see you staring,
Lost in thought,
Sometimes smiling.

you deserve the whole universe
and I’m just one star
the dullest star
the coldest
the one that’s about to die
because stars shine brightest before they burst
I guess I am a starburst
because with these thoughts,
I just might explode soon

You think the stars are beautiful
But I say
They can never compare
To you

You need to learn

To stay strong for yourself,

Not me.

Because one day,

I’m not going to be in your life

And I’m sorry for that.

But you know I love you,

You know I care,

So take those

And make life yours.

Stay alive

For yourself,

Not just me.

When I was little,

my dad told me

that thunder

was God snoring.

How could this be?

If rain was Him crying

and lightning was

His sneezing?

Now, my dad tells me

to grow up and act my age.

I'm sorry,

but I thought

you were the one

treating me like

a child.

I didn’t have a choice.

You made me,

All of you.

I don’t know a mother’s love

Or innocent fun with my cousins

Because you ruined it.

It wasn’t anything I had control over.

You did it to me.

My scars are physical and emotional.

I’m 17, trying to be an adult.

But I still act like I’m a child.

Because you traumatized me.

You made it impossible for me to handle life.

Anxiety, depression, anger.

It’s all your fault.

It’s your ******* fault I’m like this.

I exist.

Not because of you.

I’m alive.

Not because of you.

I’m alive and I exist

Because I ******* feel like it.

I don’t give a **** about your opinion.

**** my big transboy ****.

The sun loved the moon

So much

That he died every night

Just so she could be born again

And breathe anew.

you sang to me promises of sweet kisses in the sunshine

melodies of fingers tracing skin at 3am

ballads of a love so everlasting that the gods above should be put to shame.

you sang to me

but decided that a sunset and a star were never destined to be.

the pinks and oranges of the early morning sunrise silence me
make my thoughts drift away in careful whispers
help me breathe

When I die,

Please don’t cry over me.

Because I will not be able

to wipe away your tears.

You know I’ve loved you,

Always,

Until the day I died.

I can’t care for you anymore,

But you’re ready.

I have faith in you.

You believe in life after death

And I believe in love after death

So we will find each other

Again.

You think it’s funny

Don’t you?

But as I sit here

With words in my mind

Pain in my heart

blood on my arms

And tears rolling down my face

I ponder taking my own life.

Your words caused more than just hurt

It cost my life

And the light from the lives

Of those who actually give a **** about me

(not you).

Thanks a lot,

*******.

The licorice jelly beans nobody ever eats

(besides me).

The dark roast coffee

My dad always drinks.

The deep-fried mushrooms

We get at the sports bar every Sunday.

The bittersweet taste of summer memories

With each kiss of the berries.

The rich taste

Of dark chocolate on a rainy day.

The **** bite

Of Pinot Noir on a date night.

The taste of regret

That comes from eating plums in your white sundress.

It’s the beans

From my dad’s famous deer chili.

The sleepiness—or the alertness—

That comes from drinking that cup of plain tea.

That nice burn that comes

When you add to much pepper.

Black is my favourite colour

And this is what it tastes like.

Sleep doesn’t help

If you’re exhausted,

Tired of life,

Wishing all this *******

Would just end.

But you don’t necessarily

Want to die,

Either.

You just want

To be free

Of constant ridicule

But that’s never going to happen,

Is it?