Finally
I heard the words
I’d always wanted to hear
From you
Four years of waiting
Led up to this
Finally
You saw me
The same way
I saw you
Finally
You told me
You were in love
And not just with anyone
But with me.

You.

You’re terrified of losing me.

Because you know

You might not ever see me again

After eleven days.

That’s the day

I’m going to leave you.

There’s nothing

Any of us could do

To stop it.

I’m sorry.

But that doesn’t mean

You can’t be strong.

It doesn’t mean

That you can’t go on.

Make life your *****, Abi.

You can rock your life.

Deeply engaged in another’s conversation

Totally emerged

I can’t help but feel like I’m part of it

Even though it’s not mine

This other world

This world where I can be whatever I please

The first Trans president

A wizard, a dragon, a knight

A poor, oppressed man in 1800’s America

Anything

I exist

But not because I feel

Or because I am known

But because I know

Because of what I am and what I am not

Because I can think

Ponder

Wonder

Believe.

No, I’m not obsessed with the thought of magic

Or being different.

I’m obsessed with losing myself in a book

I’m obsessed with escaping the hell that is my life

I’m obsessed with how it makes me feel again

With how it reminds me to feel.

the mist, the fair maiden who was once akin to a security blanket, is now swallowing me whole. shall i evaporate with her?

I keep saying goodbye
After goodbye
Who knew
It would be this hard?
I don’t want to leave you
You’ve all helped me grow.
You mean more to me
Than you realise
You are so **** important to me
You are my family
And I’m leaving you forever.
I love you
And I hope I’ll see you again.

Honestly,
I’m glad I’m different
Because it means
That I don’t have to deal with you
Or your ****
Or anybody like you, dad
Because I’m different
I guess you
And your Southern Baptist friends
And your Catholic girlfriend
All think I’m going to burn in hell.
Well, NEWSFLASH,
You’ve been divorced three times
You’ve had four kids from three different mothers
You used to do heavy drugs (don’t think I don’t know)
You’re emotionally and verbally abusive
You have a ******* *** kit under your bed
I’ve seen the noose-knot ropes tied down there
Your girlfriend has been divorced twice
Is verbally, emotionally and physically abusive
HAS GAY FRIENDS
And used to misuse steroids.
So, before you try to preach to me
Why don’t you take a look in the mirror
Re-evaluate your ****** decisions
And get back to me.
Because I was born like this
There’s nothing anyone can do to stop it.
You made awful choices
That you knew better than to make.
So, *******
About your misconceptions
Because I did nothing wrong.
You did.

i'll never stop
loving you
you can bet your
pretty little heart
on that

and the wildflowers,
they kiss the sky
like the stars
kiss your cheeks

my
skin
is
itching
to
become
a
canvas
once
more
shall
i
paint
it
silver
and
red?

My gender isn’t a choice

My sexuality isn’t a choice

It doesn’t make me a freak

I’m sorry if you feel that way

But I’m not.

At least, not because of that.

People are born as they are

It has nothing to do with how I was raised,

Because my dad?

He’s transphobic and homophobic

He raised me on that **** bible

He said I must comply

That it was the one true law

The only thing I need ever believe in

That I exist only because it exists.

I found it a little backwards, then

That he was so **** unsupportive

Because doesn’t that book tell you

To love your neighbor?

To love all like He loves you?

To treat others with respect and dignity?

Repeatedly?

But no,

My father, like many others,

Chooses to quote one mistranslated passage

One that was supposed to say “…man lies with boy…”

Not “man lies with man”

Not “homosexuality is a sin”.

But you know what?

If homosexuality is a sin

And gay people are going to burn in hell

Then at least I’ll be with my friends

My people

Those who understand.

I hope I get my own private sector of hell

Away from the ******* who abused me and bullied me and taunted me

My whole life

Because they don’t deserve to breathe

(Do you breathe in hell?)

The same air as me.

They don’t deserve to be graced with my presence

Or those of my friends.

I hope that my friends and I

Party it up in our little section of hell.

I’d rather be a sinner

And burn in hell

For being who I really am

Than fake it

And lie to myself

To join a bunch of insufferable know-it-alls

In what my dad calls

“Heaven”.

Watery tear-filled eyes
gaze upon her lifeless body
lying in the bathtub
pills she dropped
on the floor
she looks happy now
at peace
noises and screams and hysterics and tears
surround the boy
lying next to her
emotionless
holding onto her cold
limp hand
staring at her frosty blue lips
wondering where he went wrong
how could he have saved her?

When I look at your eyes
I experience
Opia
It’s like
You’re staring into my soul
Unforgivingly
Unapologetically
Mercilessly.
I’m fine with that.

i want to crawl beneath my own flesh
and rip out every drop of suffering

im so very tired
and maybe once the itch is gone
ill be able to rest forevermore

you were my rock
but i was just paper
and the school rumor
for that whole year
was that we were scissors
in the bathroom.
they got part of it right,
but we weren't twelve-year-olds
******* in the nasty *** bathroom.
we were just twelve years old
and using those **** scissors
to slice our skin open.
and you were a wet rock
and you ended things twice
saying i was just too clingy.

I don't know what's happening
or how to handle this
it's all becoming too much
when we first started
it was all smiles and laughs
and the jokes we said then
have become so hostile
we say the same words
but now
now we get angry
now we yell
now we stop talking to each other
we're engaged to be married
how is this going to work

and continuing to laugh here with you,
to pretend that nothing has changed,
is like drinking a flavourless poison.
it burns, it's killing me,
but i don't want to accept the reasons why.

are you in love with them or do they just bring you peace?

don’t
let
me
be
gone
you
are
all
that
i
have
left
DON’T
LET
ME
BE
GONE

You believed in me

But I guess that’s over.

You loved me,

But that’s no more.

You trusted me,

But I lied.

You thought “till death do us part”

Were our words.

Until the day I died.

You had no idea that day would come so soon.

Nineteen years

Isn’t a very long life.

You saw me as I truly was.

Or at least, you thought you did.

But really,

I told you I was fine.

I fed you those lies

Just to keep you from worrying.

To make you feel better.

I guess I couldn’t handle

The weight of guilt

That appeared on my shoulders

With each new cut.

And when I died that night

In icy November,

With nothing but love for you

And hatred for myself,

My last words,

Whispered,

Were simple yet complex.

I love you.