Ben told Eve he loved hers he ran away by avoiding him. The had intimate moments that made him believe she cared for him. It was all new to him he became a clingy ******. Even worse after he lost virginity.
Maybe he was delusional expecting more.   Trying to break a family curse be successful in a relationship so many divorces. The first do alot of things but keeping that tradition alive. He didn't want to be defined by others.

He had dreams about kids
Married to someone from the past
No longer associated with anymore
Wondering what they meant
Going forward not going back
Escaped with bad memories
Do better in the next relationship
Heal from the things doing better

The crazy thing about being in loving some one who doesn't love you back. Like an idiot you wait. then you see they moved on then decide to so the same but it ruins your current relationship. The person loves you but you don't love them back the guilty conscience eats at your soul.
That person is controlling and draining realizing its better probably easier to be single. Everything feels forced and never natural. Once you give maximum effort to make it work but being ruined all the demands are never good enough.
Once you are single you ask who you are and what do you want. Learn to do things by yourself. Thinking for one is hard enough but thinking for two extremely stressful.

People say you make them look bad, while they chose to be lazy. Respect my hard work and I'll respect your laziness.
Some people will honor you some will try to take you down. People notice so keep your head up and keep going strong.
I grew up in a different generation where if you want it you'll hustle for it. It won't come easy but you'll have to work for it.
Grew up poor sharing clothes waking up early to grab the nice stuff.
You learn quick no one is going to do it for you. So you have to do it yourself. I didn't like hand outs but sometimes you get rewarded for your hardworking efforts.
Trying to move use to be happy doing the work but when you do manager work why not get paid that. Taking the blame when you don't need to be. Using that to make things right make them better.

Having writers block *****. Not trying to complain over things I have no say or control over. Just grow from them. You're way stronger than most because you stepped up you've experienced success and failed but willing to learn get better. Always growing not always a win but trying while the critics make no effort they expect you to fail but you refuse to lose and settle striving forward.
The girl you loved was promiscuous
A girl who claimed to love you cheated
Fired from something better came along
Starting to slow down be more technical

Wanting forbidden love
Showing love getting none back
No longer associating with Haters
Loved a cheater don't blame yourself
Young love mistakes made
Fake friends you seen the truth
Sometimes you have to start over
It doesn't mean you've lost
People come and go like the season
Start a new chapter keep the story moving
Its a cleared path to something better

Don't waste your time trying to change the past. Be better for the future I love writing and playing with scenarios but what ***** is it doesn't turn out accordingly. You could mentally prep but sometimes you have to let things play out to find out.
There's always an x factor that is never considered or taken into consideration. It can be draining so you shut it down. Always overthinking with the worse outcome sometimes it ends up being different than expected.

That never made since to me when a person has way more going on. And taking shots. I never seen that person as a challenge we both do our own thing.
I stay in my lane and my number got called why can't you be happy for me instead of trying to shadow my success. I had your back and supportive. It ***** you're the one trying to derail my success.  Knock my efforts. I never said anything unless asked.
I spoke the truth now you're mad because it's not what you want to here. I'll never be a yes man or let you bully me to do things your way. I've been doing my own thing if I have to deny myself to be accepted it's not worth it or my time. Too many rules that are not right. Sad how two faced a person expects you to be honest with them but will lie to your face.

Tomorrow is valentines day don't let that bug you. You are loved and appreciated by the right people. Show love all year long not one day because everyone else is doing it.
If you're single don't be ******* yourself because the right person will find you. Don't settle for less live life to the fullest. Remember you are responsible for your happiness and the one that can make it happen for yourself

I always ask what I didn't wrong and how I can be better with certain people. I realize it's not me I get tired of biting my lip and walking eggshells. I learned to walk away because no matter what I do things will never be right or be good enough.
I just tell myself not to treat others bad because I know the feeling. I've apologized even though I didn't do anything wrong. I'm over those people holding a grudge. Once you cut the cord you are free.
Avoiding those people can make your day better say hi. And that's it since you don't need or want anything from them. It's gotten easier because you know others know your hardwork and effort made.
Forgive yourself because life is too short to let people who don't like you bug you. People you don't talk to rob your inner peace. Be better without them it's the best move to make.

I started writing because I wanted to write comedy but everyone is so uptight. They take everything serious. They try to control others moods because they are happy with their life.
I'm usually upbeat and chill. So many ruin the day because of something they have no say or control over and take it out on everyone then have the nerve to blame the people they try to take down.
I was close to death but was still in better spirits if I'm in a bad mood I like to be alone but I'm usually socially and bubbly when I need time to myself people know something is up. I'm usually bad at expressing myself that's why I write. My words will get twisted or made into something it's not.  that's what bugs the most. Why is it when I'm honest I'm talking smack. I don't like to lie I respect people. It's insulting and disrespectful when people lie to my face. I forgive and forget I move on but eventually I cut the person off and don't care to socialize so over the betrayal.

Judged for being single
I respect you chose to settle
Able to be free not in a relationship
Responsible for myself doing my part
Able to go out not a parent
Using kids or a partner an alibi
I don't use anyone as an excuse
Relationships are complicated
Enjoying life living to the fullest
Appreciate those moments take them in
Not writing about failed love
Reliving the trauma anymore
Not that fixated person anymore
Meant to be much more than before
Onto better when kept out
Definitely better stop denying that right
That's why you are being talked about

As I get older I realize it's okay to get away from certain family members. We are family but we don't see eye to eye and disagree. That's fine but when that person makes it feel unwelcoming. They bad mouth your name for having an opinion speaking your mind.
I learned to stop empowering them by not feeding into the negativity. Walk away with your head up. Go where you feel appreciated where you can grow. Don't be boxed in or be someone you're not to make others happy.  Do what you love what makes you happy grow be strong for yourself believe in yourself when no one else does.

Being around that person that robs your peace. Silence doesn't mean you won it just to keep the peace. They'll talk about everyone behind their back and be fake to their face. I don't have time or patience for people who do that.
Use to value and respect their opinion but all they ever do is try to keep you down when they come around.  Trying to push you out I'd rather walk away trying to control and manipulate the family. Trying  to get everyone in check. I'd rather break away and stay away from the fakeness. I can handle being alone and isolated you've been trying to use that but thanks for doing me that favor
I'm sually straight forward with others if asked. I don't go out of my way to share an opinion no one asked for. I said the truth so don't get mad because all you do is speak lies.

You do way more than the people judging your effort. I never used anyone worked hard. A drop out college anxious to go back but the way things are work is important for survival.
Busted my **** to get this current a part time guy working  fulltime then my time came and got hired fulltime. I earned it and know I can be doing more always expecting more for myself and pushing to be better.
Thankful I got appreciated for my efforts there's always a family member thats disappointed in me. I can't please everyone I'm happy with my mild achievements did it with the heart I wear on my sleeve.
I don't expect any sympathy but I won't show any emotions when it comes to those who slander my name trying to ruin my future because they choose to live in the past.
What's hard is trying to be, who I say,  I am and who I set out to be. I don't like to lie or contradict myself holding on my faith to get through this. Hard to write since I've been home recovering from the transplant I usually share what I feel from an experience or what I gained from the encounter

So I went to get a haircut the guy said he was booked till the end of time turns out the shop was closing not a regular but it ***** to see a business go under. I support momma and poppa shops. Glad to keep things small because once it gets too big things become diluted too many have their own ideas and make it grow or fail. Idk too much about business but make sure the consumer is happy with the service and product. Now a days too many don't respect the origins sabotaging the business instead of appreciating the opportunity.
I'm thankful for platform but over all the clickbait content. People should get off the computer enjoy life appreciate life instead of complaining or trying to cancel others. I'd like to see others succeed that's moving. Not take false pride in seeing others fail.

Appreciating the moment when things become clear so many unanswered questions. Making sense of everything it's a load off. It's cool to collaborate but being told yes and ignored is the worse. Being heard and understood is a breathe of fresh air. I'm not one to impose on others or go out of way to give my opinion when no one asked.
Writing Has been on my mind, asking, "how do I want to say this?" Set a tone where it can help others that want to be helped. It's hard to put yourself out there but once you get out there you won't regret it. You'll experience rejection and ignored but once you connect with the right people it will be worth your time.

I've been to myself haven't had any opinions. Changing is good after a while you stop caring what others think they made up their mind. I respect their opinion but disagree. It doesn't matter because I know the truth it's my story to tell and not letting anyone dictate my future.
I've been respectful and treat people right because someone said how you treat people makes a difference. I try to be helpful and resourceful. During my recovery I see things different things I wanted I have but know it's not meant to be so it's better to keep focus.

As I get older I just keep doing my thing and growing in the craft I love. Just because we don't agree or see eye to eye won't stop me because you chose to settle.
I've learned no matter what you do you can't please everyone.
You have an opinion or see different doesn't mean you can make me a target because you got caught up. You come at me with false narratives to distract me others because you've done worse

It's okay to not know but once you begin to understand the growth begins. Sometimes you take others into consideration. Letting go shredding hoarded thoughts kept in notebooks. Not that person anymore Trying to prepare be better tomorrow. Be better than yesterday better prepared for tomorrow. All the pain is gone coped. No longer playing with old feelings or stuck on those old emotions. Ready to experience new moments the old ones are like trophies that cause you to settle because it was done. Getting more technical and more coordinated.

Woke up writing tired of fighting
Contemplating asking myself
Do I need this, do I want that
Made it to that next level
Asking what's next
It's all about maintaining
Building off what's been done
Fear of starting over been hear before
Adding on to what's already known
Look forward to learn something new

Getting older I stopped caring about material possessions after having an insecure gf wanting expensive designer clothes to make up for a lack of personality. Trying to be a man and provide times have changed. I'm trying to keep up falling behind time to turn the page.
Always growing hard to fit in anywhere. A place to call home a place to call my own. Working hard in an underachiever job to keep from overthinking. Seen you as my friend but too much drama I prefer to stay out of it all.

Growing up avoiding eye contact getting mad dogged in the process. As I get older it's hard to make wye contact because I catch myself doing the same. Emotional eyes filled with personality.
Against so many odds trying to break the family curse. Be the one who made it. Never been about knocking others. Trying to bring them up with me. Sometimes I need to do this alone. ***** I'm a private person like if the world is out to get me. Always going to be me not be place in there's boxes. I aged out too old for all these made up rules that limit my motions.
Spoke up now everyone is mad. No one feels bad for you.

I'm not that guy you remember I've changed over the years. I said sorry it wasn't enough. I got sober for me but did change my behavior. I've made mistakes but learned to forgive myself holding on to that crushed my spirit.
I tried to make it right but made it worse. I've learned to walk away from things and cut certain family members off. I'll always love them but they are constantly knocking me or trying to bring out the worse.
I've done good but you hold my mistakes over my head when you've done worse. I'm not playing the blame game or going to strike back because you'll play the victim. That flapping mouth will backfire only a matter of time.

I know I'm getting older when I don't care to argue. If you do the work it will fall into place. Tired of dealing with people that dk my story and expect me to give up what I'm doing or step aside because they think my efforts don't matter.
I respect your choices and decisions don't try to intrude on my time and efforts with an opinion no one asked for. I'll give my opinion when asked I don't go out of my way to impose my beliefs on others.
Everyone grew up and raised differently I was taught to work hard for yours. No one is going to do it for you. I understand things change but I was taught it was wrong so I'm not going to do it.
I learned to stick to my morals and stay close to my beliefs. Grew up low income and willing to help/ work hard because I know what it's like to go without.

They try to shut you down. You do it yourself. You're tired of them draining your good vibes so you give them nothing. Save your good vibes for people that appreciate your positive vibes.
Before you'd give them a reason to talk now you give them nothing.
Take your power back because they feed of drama. You mind your mouth and business take shots but you don't scoop down to their level. Head up faith strong stay true to yourself. Forgive forget move on to give yourself inner peace

I never understood how a person could give you crap for being around. Now that you backed out doing your own thing they think they could give you crap for not being around. Make up your mind why is it you can hold everyone accountable but when someone has an opinion or calls you on things you try to destroy your rep by trying to turn the family against someone thats holding you accountable.
Trying to discredit a person by calling them delusional and dismissive. It's always what everyone does never what you did or how you played a roll in that situation.
When others have a problem "It's an issue" but when you have a problem "it's serious an important manner" as I get older I just pray forgive and walk away from

Done with things, I've always kept others on track. ***** recovering from surgery and the people that claim to help you hide and help you are no where to be found. It's hard to set boundaries because of my medical condition. I need their help  for mild things but if I was healed I wouldn't ask.
I understand people live and have their own lives, but don't say something unless you are going to honor it. I'm not going to slander them like did to me while I'm in recovery. I let those loose tongues flow because they'll get themselves caught up.
Pursuing my faith has me Forgiving and moving on.
There's a voice that wants to take them down. It's better to turn away focus on what matters. You brought them up with you wishing you left them behind you. Once you see and know how a person is you avoid them because they are the ones building you up then quick to knock you down.

Changing crowds has been helpful
Away from the toxic negative people
Vibing on the team and success
Seeing the hard work pay off
Putting in the time paying dues
Seeing one of you team mates move up
Makes you want to do the same
Be better you know what
Needs to be done to get there
Get more technical with things
Improve your performance
Be about it stop talking
Tired of being stuck
Over being in the transition
Get to the next level
Challenge yourself everyday

Talking about getting paid prior to the transplant he knew it would be temporary. He had to bounce back quick. He didn't want anyone taking care of him or have to rely on anyone. Minding his mouth because if he said something wrong it would cause his caretaker to act differently.
He needed a ride for appointments but asking felt like begging. Interrupting that person's day made it feel like an inconvenience. Some people see an apology like submitting. While others see peace and closure. Hoping to move on be normal things will never be the same.
It's better to move on and stay away.
He was ready to bounce back from the surgery. Worried about being tired seemed to always tired. Afraid to be alone while use to it. Being a college drop out really complicated things. His mind wanted to finish what he started. Trying to find a balance.

Waking up with only 4 hours of sleep on the 3rd cup of coffee. Writing to clear the mind stay sharp. An open mind and open heart. Not able to write sometimes is worry some. Sometimes you think about people and how they treat me you. They'll make you out to be the bad guy playing the victim. Learning their word means nothing.

Time heals aching pain
Obsession fades away
Lust was never real love
Blurred lines crossed
Free from looping thoughts
Mind hungers for wisdom
Deprived of healing
Seeking spiritual health

He was a mess inside dealing with things. He could talk about it but felt like no one would understand. He didn't like being told what to do but open to suggestions.

He's blessed but one the sidelines. He woke up from the surgery. A new look on life a second chance looking back and going back wasn't an option

People are not going to like you or agree
Keep your head up
Keep doing your thing
You smile because you're happy
Glow because you got it
Deflect the hate ignore negativity
Never settle for less
Walk with faith feel great
Feeling good vibes within
Head up with positive strength
Don't listen to others that envy others
Walk away from the drama
Especially if its not yours
Do your job and go home
Count your blessing
Learn from those lessons

He had a cup of coffee to pursue an adventure. Waking up hearing the couple next door argue. Writing in his room to sharpen his focus. Plotting and planning his next move. Over all the hurt and pain living life another way.

He was a freshmen in college, the world was new to him. He grew up low income and made it to the next level. He asked a girl out; this was his first date. He was excited. She said, "yes" most of the time he got the cold shoulder or left hanging by these girls that caught his attention. They lived in the dorms the local plaza, where they would go eat a meal together.

They'd stroll through the college community town. Taking in the scenery talking to one another. He'd hold here hand he wasn't use to public display of affection. She was beautiful she had a mocha skin tone being half white and black sometimes passing off as latina.

They'd walk into the restaurant and sit at the bar. Since he didn't make a reservation. She would order a salad and he got a burger. They'd celebrate her birthday. They'd talk more and he realize her tried most of the drinks the bar was selling. She brought that to hid attention.

It was a nice evening, they go back to her door and hang out in her room. Chat with her friend, and they'd be alone. they'd lay down and talk more. She fall a sleep because she snores. He'd kiss her forehead get up go home. His date was memorable to him one of his favorite stories to tell

Doing the work but not sure what to do with it. That's the frustration with being a fighter you can be ready for the fight and it doesn't happen. It gets worse when your not ready for the fight opportunity presents it's self you take a chance and risk. I love to write but editing is stress do my words gain or lose value the most important question is does this make sense.
Explaining: why you do things is hard when you just do it. What's your reason? What's your purpose? The question, what drives helps. I can answer, I wanted to do it or they said it couldn't be done. I did it for myself to prove them wrong or things needed to be done.
I'd rather do the work than try to come up with an excuse. It's easy to tell the the truth lying doesn't get you anywhere.

Rereading old entries noticing my flaws years of writing. My style has changed over the years. I'm glad to share my experiences. I was told more details but usually straight to the point. I'm not good at describing people because I don't like to talk about others. I talk about the scenario or what happened. If I like something, I'll say so. I'm not one to give a compliment when I do it caught my eye and held my interest. I don't say things unless I mean them.

Getting sober is a must
It's a lonely journey
No going back
Some respect your decisions
Others hate on your decisions
They thought you'd never change
Only a matter of time till you get ahead
No one can take you down
Only you can feeling sorry for yourself
Let those negative block your path
Toxic people destroy your perception
Don't let them sabotage your dreams
Keep working behind the scenes
That moment will come to rise above
Where you'll surpass those low experts
Others try to project on you for being lazy
No longer the scapegoat obsorb the blame
Never more the whipping boy
Slipped out and free from the crazy
Use to take it on its a lost cause

after I woke up from the transplant
I was in ICU the beginning of recovery
The catheter tube would come out
Each day would consist of a task
a cut across my gut I'd pray everyday
My abdominal muscle lacking core strength
A huge cut stapled shut metal stitches
Extremely anxious to get out of bed
Having to page the nurse for assistance
Getting out of bed was difficult
I felt like a turtle on its back
I learned techniques during physical therapy
I had to urinate one of the first tasks
A process that took a few hours
After being assigned was a flow
I'd get up and walk after every meal
trying to keep strong physically
mentally missing work and home
Mostly grandma, her words echoed
"mijo, no one is going to do it for you, you need to do it yourself."
Next, I'd be asked to pass gas ripping a few.
A bowel movement, which was my final task so I could be released to be out patient staying a local to AZ

He felt like he was the worse
Blamed himself stood alone
Knocked for being different
Stood alone held on for life
Trying to be normal-ish
Whatever that is now a days
Afraid to be canceled aged out years ago
Everything he's not what others said
Made him more confident
Gain strength from being excluded
Comfy being alone going strong
While others needed company

He was hard working
Because he spoke English and born in the  US he got treated different by his people from the motherland. He didn't like living up to stereotypes but did prove them wrong.
Taking on crap that had nothing to do with him. Stuck in an argument that had nothing to do with him. He learned to walk away; before he would argue, never back down.

The love ended before things got interesting
Two hearts one with love the filled with lust
Too many outsiders interfering with the couple
One was ready to commit open to changes
Free love comes with a price value lost overtime
A kiss that means something loses passion
Hugs with emotions lost feeling numb within

Wide awake anxious to go
Recovery is causing delay
Emotionally charged feeling everything
On the sidelines missing out
All the hard work is being undone
Not sure how to feel seen as brave
Trying to survive make it happen
By doing the work get out there
The safe place feels like a lock down
Screams for help echos in the mind
Words won't come out of the mouth
Fight to be strong a regular struggle
Refusing to show weakness
Forgiving hoping things changed
Seems like it's worse easier to stay away

College is not who you are
Sometimes you unlearn and relearn
Encounter people from around the world
A small town boy becoming a man
He changed his location to be better
But home had his heart part of him
Taking those values into another world
The experience helped him grow
He was open minded to new cultures
His heart set on becoming somebody
But pushed everyone and thing away
He felt like a nobody trying be someone
Others made him out to be crazy
He fought to be himself taking criticism
Sometimes he wanted to disappear
Fade away take a time out from it all
Now he's down missing that world
Not sure where he belongs or fits in
Starting over was a hard step to take
But needed to be done no looking back
The past is a comfort food that is not nutritious
Never satisfied just addicted to the crunchy junk food

I pray for them because I see the problem
They won't admit it or see it as wrong
I'm not going to get involved or say
Dealing with head strong people is hard
Most never listen and ready to argue I'm praying for those that hurt
Those who cause heart ache get stopped
The girl that's pregnant gets kicked out by her bf but still goes back. I pray for her and the child.
The older man who stays with a woman who treats him like an idiot. Because he fears to be alone. I pray for them as well. I'm not mad but pray the situation gets better. I pray some come to their senses. The internal struggle passes replaced peace and closure.

Time passes when life consumes you
Checking on friends some get married
The ones that claimed to be players
Or said they'd never be tied down
With kids showing emotions
In a relationship showing happiness
Use to them being bitter and angry
Some thin as can be now on the heavy side
The alcoholic sober but respect
Some will grow up being know for immaturity
I think about having a reunion with the crew but the real ones never left my side we don't always talk but we are more than friends family is forever

He loved his family bur they are the worse. He didn't bother anyone with his problems. A single guy who kept to himself minded his mouth most of all his business.
His family didn't get along but around relative made it worse. He loved his cousins never told them anything but they are quick to give him a piece of their mind. He didn't remember asking.
He could go out and come home late He was single and didn't have kids. While the ones with kids acted single. Cheating on their baby mama or playing the victim because the baby mama returned the favor.
Having multiple kids and not being responsible for them. That was none of his business but if he buys himself whatever he wants because he worked for it. Trying to guilt trip him. He paid rent while the others didn't but had the nerve to talk bad look down on him.
It's time to move out living with people that are given while he's still working for his.
He made mistakes and learned trying to improve the situation not see it as a punishment. Asking for help was hard but found the people he needed are unreliable. He had to find and make a way. He went against odds Before.
It was no surprise but what's worse is when your family is the road block. In your face making you feel unworthy.
You don't care to fit in or prove yourself because they don't help or do anything to contribute.
They never showed any remorse or sympathy when you were down and out they expected you to get up and move on. Now they are going through stuff you feel bad and want to help. They didn't want you around. When things are bad they are there with you. When things are great for them, they are nowhere to be found.

Too old to be doing that
Too young for all that
No one is happy for you
While pointing flaws
Prefer to be alone
Helping others to grow