Benicio loved his mother, but she was deceiving and driven by her bad habits. His mother never acted like one. She never apologized, but told him to get over it. Blamed him when she couldn't fix.
Her eyed lit up when offered a beer mad because her kids would ask her not to drink. she'd do it in spite, thinking it was funny and cute. Now a grandma, Benicio thinks his mom; never wanted to grow up, and held a grudge because of her bad decisions. She saying one thing, but doing another. Never took responsibility, or accountability for her actions.
He didn't expect, or want much from his mom. Benicio would help with his siblings; while his mother continued to be self destructive. Being put in the middle of her arguments between her and his father. A failing couple that went the distance.

He couldn't sleep jujitsu was on his mind. Thinking how to change it up since he was lighter. No longer a powerhouse, thinking about technique since he wasn't a heavyweight anymore from a cozy 230 now weighing in at 155. Getting older as well his 40th birthday was coming soon.
He just wants to be back on the mats. The thought what he'd have to buy a new GI. Some rash guards he missed every moment of it being away. While at work he'd hustle to pay gym fees.

He loved his parents but they expected him to pay for everything. Everyone got quiet when the bill came out. He helped his sister taking them to the parent. His parents were getting old and set in their ways he didn't expect much from family. He learned what not to be instead of saying I want to grow up and do that.

He was hard working paying his bills and minded his business. Over the years he got tired of arguing with his siblings someone was always mad or holding a grudge. He just wanted a normal family but his family was crazy. He thought family would be like the stuff he saw on TV. His up raising was nothing like that especially with his culture.

He didn't like the idea of giving up who he was to be accepted. Being submissive to be liked he was private since everyone seem to think they knew what was best for him. Over made up ideas of success and what others think making it is. Success in his head was not going to come easy or natural since everything he wanted required work and stepping out of his comfort zone.

He wasn't materialistic owing a house doesn't make you authority in the family. Having kids didn't make you success if you never pursued your goals and dreams. Many settled and have the nerve to complain. He respected their decisions. He saw opportunities and chances for change even if it did get complicated.

While he had his up hill battles trying to get the job he wanted or his family being a road block in his ear telling him he was messing up or not going to make it. Called crazy for having a vision in his head an outline that doesn't always turn out accordingly.

He shed a tear while his football days were behind him. His best friend still playing. That gave him joy and still part of something. His best friend told him your out there with me. The played high school football together and it was a great experience winning titles and a championship together.
He loved sports his cousin competing he wanted to be there. The team was always hungry for competition but starved because of the lack of competition in the weight class. Doing all that's being asked and extra to find out its not enough. It's frustrating on the sidelines ready to go.

He *** depressed not waiting to do anything. He didn't play with his bass. He wrote with his true feelings. He was always up beat and positive, but all the toxic around him infected him.
He was always thankful and grateful others had way more blessings. He didn't want to quit or give up on life.
He thought about jujitsu but was fighting with his health issues. He wanted to get back on the mats. He did too much and got burnt out or he did extra feeling it wasn't enough.
Some days he wanted to scream punch the wall be free. He felt okay but something was telling him it's over. He fought his way out resisting the the mind tricks. Trying to stay above water like he's drowning being pulled under. Trying to survive while others lived and some died on borrowed time.

Who has kids and doesn't tend to their needs. Some choose their bad habits over a child thats sad to hear and see. Some neglect the current family and have a new family. The world doesn't make sense and crazy.
You get tired of turning blind eye and letting bad be rewarded. Asking questions with no answers and more questions with confusing outcomes./results. It's been a long week dealing with people who don't get along or two faced. Wanting to be a leader, but not wanting the responsibility. Learning to be a leader is hard while trying to focus on the task at hand.

You dk my story or what it took for me to get where I'm at. The sacrifices made for a job. Subbing for 7 years lots of time conflicts giving up jujitsu.
Saving up for school to finish something that was started. Being called a college drop out ridiculed by family. Trying to have saved money for a car that might mess up or go on the frits.
Held back on dating saying once I'm a full time permanent I'd ask this girl out but this cockblocking job. The girl I wanted to ask out is now married. We talked about things I was able to open up and share never made my move. I had an opportunity but never took the risk.
Now working to keep up with health insurance because finding out you have cirrhosis is no joke. You have to diet and change your lifestyle the fear of dieing. Trying to be strong through this wait the transition. Life on hold waiting for the procedure hoping to be normal enjoy a meal without fear.
Not use to special treatment or expecting to be babied. Grew up with tough love No one did anything for you. If you want it you get out there get it your **** self. Not use to waiting on, or relying on others patients is tough.
Some days I want to cry and scream
Other days I feel numb and empty inside
Learning life's not fair not always about you
Being criticized by family and friend making you want to shut them up prove them wrong