i’m sorry

goodnight kisses melted into wilting dandelions
whisked elsewhere, faded into somber dreams

you weave rainbows through my fingers
but not without the thunderstorm
on a regular portland day, i’m drowning in puddles

you hum sweet promises in my ear
held onto pinky promises a little too tight
midnights turn to sunrise bruises, craters left in my mind

you lay sour patch kisses between my lips
sweet and sour, never knowing which one i’ll taste first
hits the back of my throat, then your gone

... Thumpthump, thumpthump. 1st thump, beats so hard it rips out of your chest cavity. Into the hand of your partner. For a second your life is in the palm of their hands. You can’t live without them. Breathe without them. 2nd thump, beats so hard it pushes back into your chest cavity. Given back from the hand of your partner. For a second your life is back, heart where it belongs. But this time it doesn’t fit quite right. You need stitches. You receive scars. You can feel your blood pumping, again. But it’s never quite the same. Your partner didn’t borrow your heart. There was no “return with care” label. No library books with due dates and late fees. Only torn pages from too many hands. The crease, broken. Ink smudged from spilled coffee during too many shared mornings. The pages still in tact, but they don’t fit quite right. How do I know this time it will be different?
But here I am.
I lay before you the formula of an overbeating heart. Thumpthump, thumpthump. 1st thump, beats so hard. when I see you. when i feel you. when i think of you. I rip it out of my chest cavity. I beg for you to take it. Scraps and bruises. It hurts to rip it out. Hurts worst for it to stay in. Give me gluten free pancakes. Avocado with lime. Morning, afternoon, night ***. Meetings with toilet seats after too much to drink. Crying over life. Me crying over you crying over life. Late night pleads when the bed feels empty. Spotify playlists, the millennial version of mixed tapes. 2nd thump, beats so hard you can’t hold it anymore. Slips out of your hand. Bright red blood smears. I try and scrape it off the floor. Too much. Too late. Try and fill my empty cavity with. Kisses. Sorrys.
But here I am.
This is the part when medusa turned me to stone. This is the part when jack the ripper follows me home. This is the part when the mirror on the wall says the prettiest of all is you. I am the queen who stalks you through the glass. I am the queen who gets jealous when you hold hands with another girl. I am the queen who hid from the king to see the princess. I am the queen you run away from. I am the queen who wears a disguise just so you notice me. I am the queen who gave you the poisonous apple. I was the one who was suppose to kiss you. I am the queen who lead you to your one true love.

... With you
Electricity pulses through my veins as I become blind to the words that escape my lips, tempting me to fill the gap clawing at the air

...Without you
I catch my breath as my tongue manipulates the words that escape my lips, I call out to the fire of our present, till our future turns to ashes

we live in foggy car windows, spitting out white lies that turn in vain,
white lies that turn black
like your hair, as it caresses your shoulders
like my hands, as every cell in my being reaches for you
but the cytoplasm current is too strong, and swallows me whole
like if your words were quicksand
i would sink
i wouldn’t fight the pull
i would let each needle and thread stitch me to the right side of your brain
with no anesthesia
nothing can hurt more than tiny paper cuts that we don’t know about,
you are the hand sanitizer and lemon juice that drips into my open wounds
i try, and try to shake you away
i don’t recognize my own bed when i sleep alone
my dreams are more of a reality than the actual person laying next to me

i feel the cliff under our feet, i push you first,
but your sweaty palms grab my wild fang t-shirt
and i’ve never felt more alive than when falling to my death
leave the world behind
i don’t know if that is a blessing or a curse
leave me behind?
i don’t know if you are a blessing or a curse
let my lungs fill with each particle of quicksand until it overflows into my throat, spills out of my mouth
onto your lap

babe, i’m not trying to fix you even though i always try to fix people
you like me with makeup and rose petals
i still take rolls of tinfoil, clump them together, and swallow them whole
to fill my aching hunger, the number on the scale means nothing when you are dyslexic
please don’t see me with hives and weeds
that grow from my ankles, straps on me
with a ***** on the end
begging you to call out my name
with mouths open, and gentle kisses in the elevator after i met your mom
pull the bandaid off, rip my onion layers off

i still feel more at home
on crowded buses where i am the only, white person
white person walking in low lit alleys with gazing, men
men beckoning me to come closer till their hands slip, in
in hidden closets dating the opposite, ***
*** in unfamiliar places with temporary, homes
homes in hospital beds and drugs pumped into my, veins
veins in your arms, is where i am still trying to feel at home
trying to feel
trying...

honey, i’m sorry if i held your hand too long
if this can’t be as good for you as it is for me
cut me from my shambles
you didn’t have to say you loved me
i read it between your poetry
yet, i still hold my own hand, draped across my torso
sometimes gravity pulls my hand up my ribs, to my breast
so i can feel my heartbeat
maybe this time i won’t forget how to...breath
i will stop digging up my own grave
just to inspect my broken corpse, to try and rebuild this temple
the bricks don’t fit anymore
too many fragments taken away

like my body was used for science
the doctors diagnosed me with a hypothesis
it read if with you, then without me
what is a hypothesis without the theory?
theorize goodbye kisses at red lights
research the car filled with the smell of *** and morning
question **** stains on my sheets
or tear stains on my shirt you wear

i cried for the first time with you there
you were laying next to me in bed, my arms around you
you were asleep
and i wiped my tears on your shoulder without you knowing
i cried to the rhythm of your breathing
spoke hymns in your ear you would never hear
confessed my love, gave you my all
your eyes never opened
weaved your hair in my hands
while i unthreaded stories of my past traumas,
giving you one piece at a time
your heart never flickered
tinkerbell lost her flicker when she didn’t get attention
but how much was too much until it suffocated her?
my thighs in knots from straddling you

and before you,
i dig with a needle, an arm and a leg
i haven’t decided whether i should jump off the cliff or jump into you
but, the voice i once heard from the ripples in the lake, now respond with whirred silence
blackberry shaped kisses on my being
etched from the hand of my mother
i’ll give you lemon drops and hot tea
if you are willing to burry me in a cloud of forgiveness
lick my open wounds, and i’ll jump into you
or if the cliff lives above my head, catch me

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