I tried to **** my sadness

tried to asphyxiate
mental health

But amidst killing feelings  
I ended up killing myself

my mind
is smarter than me
and if
that doesn't make sense
maybe your
perception
decieves
you

if your
words
are not heavy
enough
to trigger
the passenger airbag
then
i will not
help
soften the blow

i wish i didn't have
a death wish
on my sleeve
where my heart should be
instead
but im afraid my heart
is hollow
or dead

i wish i didn't have scars
that are meant to be
my veins
but im afraid my bruises
are marks of acid rains

i wish my body loved me
where my ribs
are meant to hug
my chest
but im afraid my lungs
don't do breathing when i request

i wish i didn't keep
my brain with
all these thoughts
i wish it would be empty
instead
but im afraid
it's too loud
and often contemplating
dread

this house is incredibly loud
for such a quiet porch

i doubt you'll see lilacs this year
or even plants at all

i stopped trimming the bushes
and stopping the branches from falling
in

because perhaps this house of cards
has worn too very thin.

I am drowning in rivers
That dried up centuries ago

The waters still betray me
Captivating my lungs
Like I am encased in sediment
That has taken over my skin

But what they don't know
Is that they have dried up
Ages ago

It as if they know my veins
Coursing through the rivers I cannot see
Taking hold of lies
That have never brushed my lips

But what they don't know
Is that they have dried up
Ages ago

I try and see it lightly
Like it is not a fear
Of dead desire

At least I know
They have dried up
Ages ago