really understand
-
what my brain is feeling
or thinking
even emitting
-
i can't really accept
what is actually happening
-
it's like i watch myself have
the consequences
but
i never actually can 'feel' them
-
drugs can **** up a lot
in a short amount of time
and that **** ain't cool
it's a fine and narrow line
-
one moment
you have control on everything
and the next
you get that one hit
or the higher quality
or even your grandma sends some cash
and you get more than you've ever had
and
nothing is ever the same
-
no more thinking
no more feeling
no more theories
no more genuineness
no more identity
-
more dissociation
more depression
more starving
more deadly activities
more ******* around
-
if i became homeless
i'd end up saying bet
if someone shot me tomorrow
i'd die somewhat happy
but nowhere near content
if i lost my mom tomorrow
i'd smoke 4 blunts
and if i killed myself tonight
i'd die proud
-
somehow my life went from
****** grades
trauma and abuse
with a side of physical aggression
and suicide attempt after suicide attempt

to

near death expereinces
fentanyl spiked drugs
coming to appointments high
but don't forget the time i ****** someone to get high
and lastly, trying to die because i cannot find the
means to forget about
all the unimaginable and traumatic
decisions and moments
i've ever wanted to forget
-
please don't let me leave this alive?

i mistake a first date as settling down
a deep conversation for a new best friend
five carrots as my dinner
free ride home for continuous vehicular mobility
i mistake a kiss on the cheek as marriage material
and those glossy, deep blue, swooning eyes
have been mistakenly viewed as
my one and only partner
-
my friend once told me i looked miserable
i thought that meant she cared
little did i know, it was her way of
manipulating a situation to her liking
so she could bring it up as "instability," only two weeks later
-
don't forget the time i let shame and disappointment come over
to hold me in the absence of your wrath
-
i never really realized how many of your lies i believed
and took as truth
when the future and upcoming consequences
proved you to be wrong
-
i thought that mistaking the next door neighbor
for a friend
would mean i'd never be put into a risky situation with him
yet little did i know
he'd end up ***** one night while i was intoxicated
and **** my dysphoria to the point i couldn't see myself
as lovable, compassionate, valid, or kind
-
i thought that by you grabbing my back instead of my *******
meant you just wanted someone close
but the second that strip turned blue
i realized i was just another pawn in the game
-
you were *****, alone, and fearful
i was tired, inebriated, and misguided

I've gotten to a point where
if I stop using
-
I get physically sick
I get emotionally drained
I become suicidal and impulsive
-
but the consequences are glaring in the room down the hall.
-
homelessness
debt
no school/college degree
that'll be rockbottom
-
but wait
I've already gotten so far into the hole
what makes this consequence neighbor different?
-
I sold myself to some random dude
to get drugs
I took a pregnancy test last week
it was positive
-
I broke curfew
I broke my rules
I broke other housing rules
I broke values
-
I guess
don't use.
**** gets bad.
fast.

sometimes words don't
c l i c k
in my head
the same way some others have
c
h
o
I
c
e
s
about which math class you're in.

sometimes my head tells me that I'd be better off alone.
it goes far.
it runs far.
my life feels far.

you tickled me like a sore throat tickles the idea of sickness.
you grabbed my throat like you were grasping for something on the top shelf you couldn't quite reach.
you put yourself inside me as though you were shoving everything into a suitcase after a vacation.
-
do you think that spoke to you?
was that pretty?
did it radiate the constellations you see in your trauma?
-
oh, sweet jesus i hope the **** not.
i hope you were uncomfortable.
i have this insecure faith in the world that you squirmed at the idea of trauma being talked about so aesthetically.
-
when i was assaulted the first four times, i RADIATED hurt, pain, discomfort, and needed the numbness to survive.
-
you shouldn't need numbness to survive pain.
but, it's so understandable.
if you break your leg, you get pain relievers for the break.
if you are in surgery, you get a sedative
you're not expected to stay awake for the pain.
-
so why do we need to be awake for the trauma?

just because i don't fit into your hands
doesn't mean
i don't fit into my own

i think i need to realize something
i'm sad
i'm hurting
things are getting harder
AND
i'm coping
i'm living
i'm alive

that
is
okay