I tried to be depressed again but it just wasn’t the same.

I tried researching depressing songs,
Depressing lyrics, and
Depressing photos...
None of it was the same.

Nothing felt quite as...
Angsty.
Rebellious.
Sad.
Upsetting.

Nothing felt as bad.

But then he said he didn't like me back.

And everything began to feel the same as before.
I researched depressing songs,
Depressing lyrics, and photos,
All of it was the same.

The songs?
Sad,
Relatable,
and even a few help me shed a tear.

The photos?
Made me crave.
Made me hurt.
Didn't make me cringe.

The lyrics.
Yes.
I understand you, dearest artist(s).
I get it, what it's like to be depressed.

You see. When a person says they don't like you back, the typical response is to move on. But no, I didn't move on. I dwelled. I sat in that uncomfortable feeling and died internally because that's how numb I was.

You see, depression takes so much from you, it takes your freedom, words, music, and abilities. It is horrendous! Anyways, I hope I get over this ****. Because this ****'s a *****.

Took my eager will to listen to music. I'd listen to all types of music. I'd listen to Pierce the Veil and Vampire Weekend. I'd listen to folk punk and indie rock. I listened to rap and alternative. I miss the days when I could listen to music, now it just feels like shouting in my ear.

Took my sense of life. Now? I don't know what the date is half the time, nor do I know what time it is. I can barely make it through a day of school.

Took my excitement to be risky. I used to smoke **** nearly every day, do Adderall, smoke a pack a day. I'd do risky **** and end up in places I don't know how I got there. Man, I miss those days.

Even took my sleep from me. Now? I don't sleep past 5 hours a night. I hide in my room hoping someone will allow me to come out.

Depression took my frown, instead, it was replaced with a fake smile.

Depression eradicated any routine I've ever had. I used to shower and brush my teeth every day. Ever since depression came along, my routine has died. (metaphorically.)

Depression took away so much from me. And I don't think I can ever picture a life where I get it back.

Love is complex..
Love is kind.
Love is simple.
Love is hard.
Love is one-sided.
Love can be two-sided.
Love can help you.
Love can hurt you.
Love can make you cry.
Love can help you mend the unfixed wounds.

Love exists. But I’m not quite sure if it’s for me.

Which has lead me to crush on a LOT of adults. Because they do the following:

Having a good conversation that doesn’t end up in some fight. So it can be having this really hard conversation about death and he won't jump to conclusions. He won't assume I'm suicidal. And he sure as **** won't assume I need to go to the hospital. I love him for that.
Telling me when I’m acting like a *******. Like last night. "Just because something happened between us doesn't mean you get to isolate in your room." Thank you for helping me get my head out of my ***. I love you for that.
Sharing a cigarette. I love you for sharing addiction with me. You know addiction, you get addiction, you are an addiction. Man. I love you for it.
Buying me coffee. Meaning, you bring me in a good bag of coffee that actually doesn't need creamer to taste good. I love you for actually having taste.
Giving me compliments or calling me beautiful, even when I don’t have a bra on and look like I well, just woke up. I love you for speaking Spanish to me, because no one is that ****, but you are.
Telling me the truth. Like, “hey Dylan, you’re being stupid. Don’t kiss him.”
Sharing interests. Whether it be poetry, or movies. Cats, or jeeps. Even kinds of cigarettes, or coffee drinks.
Telling stories about our past. It can be “hey I used to drink a lot...” or it can be “I was abused as a child”
OR it can be “I was put in the foster care system.”
All of it makes me fall irrevocably in love with you.
Because you somehow become relatable with that experience.
And, at the end of this day, friendship confuses me.
I don’t know where the line is between friends and soulmates.
I just don’t know.

I want you to stay
But I also want you to leave
You said it was better for you
It was better for me
But how can I see
When love is blind
I can only walk through walls
When you're by my side.

If you were
to undress
the light
in my eyes
you would
find your
soul-
swimming through
chimes
into
my
bones.