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Dec 2018 · 54
Illuminae Xscar Dec 2018
Beautiful muscles against me
Hold me down

Hold my hand

I can feel the street in you
The cold, the darkness

And the joy, I love your joy
So proud, my panther boy
You invented swagger

And maybe sometimes arrogance
You prowl angry and alone

Such beautiful eyes, predatory
Death, ****** or love
There is no looking away

I understand freezing, struck, mesmerized

Yet I slide against you, delirious
You speak my language, our language
Beautiful wild thing

How could I love anything else?
Illuminae Xscar Aug 2018
The distance between us cycles
far and close
you won’t let me go sometimes, and i get restless

You taught me to love you, and that may have been a bad idea
or, i learned to love you, maybe another bad idea

the fall and collapse of empires
are what i see when we make plans

promises and intentions turned to dust

lies, manipulation, just to get out clean

we aren’t clean

you call me monster
and i am

but you taught me, and you know

salvation comes from love, and I only do that on Tuesdays
Jun 2017 · 576
Illuminae Xscar Jun 2017
dark and defined shadows
created from clarity of the light

electricity and chaotic confusion
born amidst smoke and your unreadable eyes

my winter eyes still frozen
from the death-chill laid upon them
when the wind rushed up from the house
of endless dying, no ease of pain
eternal damnation
eternal stagnation
where lovers only number one
where the lamentation goes unheeded
land of relentless mortal summer
nothing and everything left of you

I hunted, you touched me
I fell victim to my sacrifice
Now my game is no longer my own

haunted by your words,
what was ever real in your eyes?
over and over
i hear your words over and over
i watch our scenes over and over
where did i fail

repetition, i am stuck in winter
bright sun, again
your unreadable eyes
Jan 2017 · 126
salt water
Illuminae Xscar Jan 2017
Swallow the cries
Red slash drawn across pale pulsing throat
Blue mist before her eyes, are her eyes

You are blue and white and gold
Cybel's cold fire, electric
My unknowing prophecy, hey you
You are the cruel mirror
The careless mistake, I knew better
I know better still, bitter still
I will drink this even now, even tomorrow
Even while the daemons cycle and play
Circle and pray

Their mistress will grow wiser
Surely this iteration, she will be wiser
She swallows,
What is the difference choking down
Tears or *****, anyway?
Jan 2017 · 186
Illuminae Xscar Jan 2017
She paints her nails
the color of sadness
fade and shadows
live this again

things go wrong
no whisper safe
no wiser,
go back to sleep for a thousand years

back to a wall
echoes in the park
empty walks, shades of blue
she is all wrong again

last prayer before morning
i miss my homeland
Illuminae Xscar Oct 2016
Nothing to be said
what you said to her
Little notes to her about your day or hers
I wonder if you remember me most of the week
Except to worry
She was always in your thoughts and fervent sadness
This is not jealousy, just a tiny tinkling sadness
clockwork that stopped, just a last dry tick
i am sorry she is gone, and i failed us
you struggle to summon chats about the weather
and my preschool struggles with addiction
you do it with love and courage
and no conviction, just a carrying on, keep breathing
we have appointments to keep
Oct 2016 · 387
Perihelion Brighton
Illuminae Xscar Oct 2016
All the way to the back
Keep it cold
Mysteries move amidst the crowd
Wake of Leviathans
Pull through, who has your back?
grey friends, placeless, orbits askew
you are a perihelion, a vertigo of swarm technology, existing to exist,
why, why breathe, why currents running tracks, find the summer still, still here
She has blue eyes, is this the future. pulled from the past, so close to dead
one last shot.
Failed itch of v vs. w who wins, deflation, unimpressive
die for this or ever saved by the prince, is the glass coffin too battered?
Did the witch win after all these years, these fractured candy colored clouds,
even death may die
Aug 2016 · 166
what if
Illuminae Xscar Aug 2016
I feel tenseness in my body
i break my own bones, rip my tendons
burn myself, going to rehab tomorrow
I will miss your subversiveness
and don't understand what occurred
I think you will regret what happened
I do
The smoke curls away from the wreckage
Broken glances of affection.

You loved me once
Aug 2016 · 649
unicorns are uncommon
Illuminae Xscar Aug 2016
Too many days
And I will take a lover, or two or three
Beautiful, all of them. And for an hour, or a day....I love something
Everyone will eventually leave you. And they do
No warning (though you should have known)
There is no permanence in this world
An illusion

So the blood runs down for you, I convulse and cry for you, I taste the tears off your soft soft skin

Gone in the morning light.
Dec 2015 · 202
Illuminae Xscar Dec 2015
i get lonely when i smell you
i never loved anything more then when i am ******* you
but someday i will **** you, or you will **** me
thats why i cried today, while you held me tight
tears slide down
your hands slide down
i miss you already
Oct 2015 · 292
Inland Sea
Illuminae Xscar Oct 2015
Antelope island

we walked, out
sand, tall grass and nothing you wanted to say
you held my hand on the dead beach
nothing lives here
am i blind?
i loved you, i always love you
i apologize for being lazy, ironic finally
perhaps my place is established
inland winds of saline, why do we live here
(you always wanted me to be happy)
(you will never know how sorry i am)

or we don’t you will be gone tomorrow
(or you don't, you will be gone tomorrow)

I have never died so much
You thought about it and created a machine for me
With my name
You left me a part of us

logical, but heartbreak is hard to measure.
the little death.

i am lonely here.

without you.
Aug 2015 · 162
Illuminae Xscar Aug 2015
You always look so sad in the dark, he said.
Aug 2015 · 537
heartbeat, loveless
Illuminae Xscar Aug 2015
which is the lesser grief?

to stay, with all the pain of misunderstanding? with all the heartache, stress and tears...the suspicion and jealousy...and all the relentless fear. fear of failing you, fear of inadequacy, fear of disappointment.

fear that one day you will turn away loveless.

but if i leave you to go cold again, to escape the inevitable pain, will i be able to stop loving you? will i imprint your face on every stranger walking these streets? can my body erase all memory of your hands?

i fear i will be haunted by those long slow mornings...held so tightly i dreamed that when your heart would stop, so would mine.
Aug 2015 · 372
Soft Goodnight kiss
Illuminae Xscar Aug 2015
Clean break

doesn't quite work when you owe me
money time life disrupted, off balance, betrayed

the taste of your skin, i remember
a little girl in a shiny dress all those years ago
so pretty, wanted you, so far out of your league,
surprised but slumming it, but with love, so much love the bravest girl in the world I took you by storm never looked back.

perhaps a bit of defiance and anger. but i wanted to believe, and i did. i always did.

i am dangerous, you are dangerous, we can and do cause trouble.

tigers are known in these parts. believe me, I will have empathy, even as you burn.

and i will love the ghost
Sep 2014 · 281
Illuminae Xscar Sep 2014
you lose me every night
when i cannot stand anymore
the closeness of skin and breath
i leave my cold still self behind
like a flag
to mark where i have been
where you have been
where you are

i come back, early morning
slow light, gray light
cold and frozen from how far i have been
the empty buildings
reflect empty spaces
reflect empty walls
Sep 2014 · 363
Illuminae Xscar Sep 2014
'magic is only skin deep, these days' she said.

sitting alone, surrounded by hard beats and breaking glass, music boxes crashing down stairs and then being axed.

such aural assault lends itself to thinking...

'take the blackest spell and tie it around my little finger' she said.

i am the last of my house here. they are all gone, now. memory lends such things nostalgia, or perhaps nostalgia lends such things vibrant memory. we are hardly, if ever, aware of history. portentous events only happen in hindsight. you cannot be aware of the memory of a great day if you are mentally recording it as such.

'look. look at the sky falling with such violence. if only these eyes could do the same.' she said.

walking through the black slick streets, watching people talking to themselves. when did the switch happen? are you talking to yourself or on a cell phone? what is the difference...('not as much as you might think' says the voice that calls me at these times, when i am walking alone on those same cold, dark, glittering streets.)

i can ask you no more. would it be any different if i demanded? i find a certain boring arrogance in demands, a weakness perhaps. people should just fall to your will, without (too) many words being spoken. the artistry lies in making them believe they do it of their own volition.

'volition. to violate in the most intrusive, not to say intimate way.' she said.

never mess with a beautiful girl who mixes her metaphors.

the dark underbelly of a given city is almost always (i never say always, i never say never. never fall into the trap of exclusion) more instructive then the civilized front. this city has such a cold, permeating darkness.

if you fall to the devil here, you fall alone.

'turn a blind ear, vacillate between if you will. touch me not! observation contaminates.'
Sep 2014 · 335
past colors
Illuminae Xscar Sep 2014
yeah, well i dont come here anymore, but this morning i just wanted to talk to you. tell you that all this wind makes me restless. and if i was into placing blame, i might place some on you.

yeah, well i dont look at people anymore, but this morning i missed your face and i saw traces of your blue blue eyes in the water down below. and if i was into crying, i might cry a little for you.

and i remember:
it is warm here, the day that you left. i wander the dark streets and cannot feel your presence anymore, just murmuring shadows walk with me. the light falls on the one dimensional landscape, harshly exposing reality, a place i have never been. buildings looked warped and grotesque, i can no longer see as i did. i feel as if the enchantment is being drained into the ocean, and only bare walls remain.
i remember everything. there is no time and we exist in all the places/moments we have ever caught and held as ours. and now the world we constructed is complete, finished, a perfect sphere. there will be no additions or modifications. read only memories.
the city and i are alone.

may you find peace to temper the darkness within.
Sep 2014 · 723
Illuminae Xscar Sep 2014
Do you remember when I broke my own heart?
Did I ever break yours?
Historically, that is my speciality
Heart assassin
I don't think it took with you

Maybe I was just a head on the door (nod)
Something to conquer, again
And the rain keeps falling
The thunder is making it's way slowly

I have never seen such bright lights
And I live in the lights
Fairy circles, enchantments
I will take you from yourself
I did.

Not forever, just long enough to forget
And yet the rain will have its way

There lies the darkness of predators
And there lies joy

I do not forget, though I do not remember

You left some things behind

— The End —