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matilda shaye Jun 2018
This is a moment I want to write about for no reason other than me, my almost empty beer and the song playing. I am no one except my own. I'll never love you as much as me.
matilda shaye Mar 2018
You don't deserve my unconditional love but nobody ever does, any time it happens. Here we are again. I'm too high to write about this right now.
matilda shaye Mar 2018
What do I have to do to get you to love me like you did?
matilda shaye Mar 2018
I need my chest to stop hurting
I need my tongue to stop burning
I need my teeth to stop gnawing
I need the feelings in my limbs to find their way back to my bones
I need to stop sleeping
I need my swollen eyes to regain some sort of dignity
I need my nails to stop growing so I can stop biting
I need you to come back to me so I can pretend I am okay
I need you to come home so I can distract myself
and pretend I am okay

I've never been less afraid of death than I am in this moment.
matilda shaye Mar 2018
Does it always wear off?
matilda shaye Jan 2018
I was only fifteen inches and barely seven lbs, I was born with really curly dark hair and five different illnesses. The first year of my life I spent strapped to a bed to make sure I didn't move around and choke.
It's always been a ******* trap.
Nowadays my legs hang off my bed because my body is too long.

The place becomes familiar, the weeds start to appear, my dark roots start to show on my patchily bleached chemically stained hair, the hard drive starts to slow down, I have to take my car to the mechanic, and you feel like us changing from what we once were is just a part of life.
The bones break, the skin wrinkles, the metal rusts,
my shoes have holes, my hands have cuts, my body starts to grow tired, the job gets boring, stuck in the same place with the same people doing the same thing, life becomes just routine alongside the winter that turned to summer and the people that you can no longer consider strangers. The money runs out, the clothes start to wear, and all of it, absolutely all of it, loses its charm.
You say nothing can stay the same as the beginning, but do you realize what that equates?
matilda shaye Jan 2018
I've had three, four, five first loves because each time it's a little different. I'll never know what it's supposed to feel like and it stops me from continuing. This song was playing during a *** scene, the red lights reflecting off of her face while she leaned in, showing the emotion that had been stuck between her gritted teeth.

I want to wake up, I want my body to grow old and I want to stop being so tired. I feel the most at home when I am alone so it's okay that I haven't seen you in days. I'm worried about myself. I'm worried about myself.

Standing up is boring. I write about this feeling every time but yet I've yet to find a word to describe it. There is something about the placidity at 4 am that has me drinking orange juice on my porch watching the sun come up each one of these nights, in a row, like a pattern. My body needs to stretch, needs to grow, I can't be restricted to locking my knees and standing in place. I can't be restricted.

We will dance on our way to heaven, and I will never be afraid again.
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