I’m sitting in my car, hugging my knees to my chest muffling my cries
My parents look at me through the rear-view mirror with worry in their eyes and in unison say
“It’s not your fault”

I’m sitting in a tight room, on a small chair, in the interrogation room
The first thing that comes out of the officer’s mouth is
“It’s not your fault”

I’m standing at the bottom of my stairs with tears streaming down my eyes
In front of me is my mom, she’s consoling me and she says
“It’s not your fault”

I’m struggling to keep myself standing wrapped in a pair of arms, sobs escaping my mouth
Hugging me is my dad and he’s repeating the phrase over and over
“It’s not your fault”

I’m telling my story, my typing is slow and my hands shaky, tears are flowing down my cheeks
Jonathan texts back his support and the first thing I read is
“It’s not your fault”

I’m sitting on a couch, I’m shaking and repeating the story holding back tears
My new counselor looks at me and says the infamous phrase
“It’s not your fault”

I lay in bed, lights off, blankets on, tears streaming down my cheeks
I can’t get all the people out of my head, the memories of what happened, the phrase is stuck on replay in my mind
“It’s not your fault” “It’s not your fault” “It’s not your fault”

I repeat the phrase over and over
Under my breath and into the night where the only person who can hear is me
“It’s not your fault”

It’s not my fault and it never was.
How can it be my fault when an adult took away my childhood?
How can it be my fault when I was in fear and embarrassment?

Most Importantly
How can the people who are supposed to be there for you think it’s your fault?
How can your family disown you when it’s not your fault?

I’m not going to apologize for trying to protect myself and everyone else he’s done it to.
I will be the voice for everyone and anyone who is or has been afraid to speak up about it.
Because It’s not your fault.

Sheyla Donatt

Everything you had to say
Every. little. thing.

You used them as weapons
As knives

Every thought that came into your head was a knife in your hand
Like throwing knives you had sharpened them and aimed

Every sentence that came out of your mouth
Every word that entered the open air

Every single word sliced through the air like a throwing knife
The moment a word left your mouth, a knife was thrown

I always saw it coming
Every. single. Time.

The windup right before it’s thrown
Right before its said

Time standing almost still
As it slowly pierces through me.

The impact of the knife wedging into my heart
The impact of the words burning into my brain

Blood and tears
Knives and words

While I was at my most vulnerable
You saw me as a perfect target.

Perfect for throwing knives.

You used to be my inspiration.
The reason for all my poems.
The reason for all my feelings.

You used to be responsible for the giggles before bed
The smiles at sunrise
The blushes between texts

Then suddenly I found the poems weren’t about you anymore.
You weren’t worth writing about anymore.
You weren’t as enchanting as I remembered.

I held you responsible for the poems
For the happiness
For the glow I flaunted

When all along
It was never you
It had always been me

It was then I realized
I wrote best without you
I glowed my brightest without you

You lost your magic.
You lost your charm.
Most of all you lost me.

Without me there is no us.
I handle my own feelings
Finally I’m my own inspiration

What will we be like in 10 years?
Who will we love?

In 10 years I want to be something to you
I want to be the thought that never leaves your mind
I want to be inseparable.

In 10 years I want to wake up with your hands wrapped around me like a big everlasting cuddle
I want the last thing I see before I go to sleep to be your soft, loving eyes peering into mine
I want the last thing I hear to be your heartbeat and breathing as I lay my head on your chest.

In 10 years I want to wake up to the sight of your messy hair
I want to wake up with your scent dancing in my nose
I want to feel your safe presence next to me.

In 10 years I want to feel your fingers intertwined with mine
I want my limbs to be tangled with yours
I want to not know where my legs end and where yours begin.

In 10 years I want to be close to you
I want to be your other half
I want to be so close to you that close is never enough.

In 10 years I want to be your best friend
I want to be the person you tell everything to
I want to be your secret keeper,

In 10 years I want to be walking down the street with my hand held in yours.
I want to be wearing a symbol of our love and loyalty to each other on my finger
I want to proudly flaunt our last name wherever I go.

In 10 years I want every morning to start off with a kiss
I want every night to end in a kiss
I want to find my lips pressed up against yours at random moments in the day.

In 10 years I want you next to me
I need your hugs, your cuddles, and your kisses.
I want your love.

In 10 years I want you to be mine and us to be one.

“The heart wants what it can’t have”

Millions of people who would **** to have your love
Yet you fall in love with the one that wouldn’t

You feel that they're the perfect one for you
You feel like they're THE ONE

But you felt like this with the last one too
Maybe this time you've gotten the real deal

But that’s what you thought last time too

When you’re being chased by millions of other potential lovers
Why did you have to go and fall in love with the one YOU have to chase

You have to be more careful this time
Guard your heart with your life

The heart wants what it can’t have
But who say’s they aren’t thinking the same things?

What if the heart wants what it has to fight for?
After all, the Strongest hearts have the toughest rib cages.

The word escapes from his mouth
It pours into my ear
“Princess”

My whole body gets affected
From head to toe
My body reacts with that one word
“Princess”

My eyes close
My cheeks flush red
My lips curl into a goofy smile

My jaw clenches
My throat tightens
My hands cover my face

My lungs **** in air
My heart skips a beat
My stomach flutters

My knees go weak
My legs cross
My feet want to run into his arms

“Your so lucky”

The words come at me like daggers
Me?
Lucky?

If only you knew.

Spend a day walking in my shoes
Drowning in my thoughts
Pushing down the lump in my throat.

Spend a day with the sinking feeling in my stomach
Watching your back
Fending off strangers who think they have a right to your body.

Spend a day waking up with tears in your eyes
Wanting to run away at the first sign of danger
Laying in bed with tears streaming down your cheeks.

Spend a day choking back sobs because no one can hear you crying
Putting on a fake smile when someone asks if you’re okay
Putting up with people telling you how lucky you are.

Spend a day in my shoes
Then tell me how
I’m so lucky.

Tick-Tock
Tick-Tock
Tick-Tock*

Waiting.
The clock is ticking
The time is passing

Seconds pass by lazily
Minutes pour out as mercilessly as molasses
Hours turn into days

The sun takes a week to set
The moon takes a month to come up
The sun takes a year to rise

The feeling growing
The feeling bubbling inside
Threatening to over-spill

Blinking takes a minute
Breathing takes an hour
A single heart-beat takes a day

It’s all worth it in the end
Because time stands still
When I’m with you

I couldn't move
I couldn't scream.

I sat there frozen
Not knowing what to do.

My brain had shut down
While my body went into auto pilot.

My throat swelled shut
While my lungs fought to inhale the air around me.

My eyes welled up with tears
While a lump formed in my throat.

My heart beat felt like a jack-hammer in my chest
While my stomach sunk deep into a hole of shock.

The world spiraled around me
While I felt out of control .

I sat there frozen, unmoving.
While the tears threatened to over-spill.

My body ached to jump up and run away
My throat dying to let out a scream.

But my body did neither
I was traumatized both physically and mentally.

I looked calm on the outside
While I crashed on the inside.

You made me feel like an apple
An apple in a sea of apples
Yet I was picked

You made me believe I was a special apple
You kept me till I ripened

But every once in awhile I got dropped on the same spot
Again and again
Over and over
I was dropped
Deepening the bruise

One day I was ripe and my outside was perfect
But as soon as you cut me open you saw the bruise
Suddenly your perfect apple wasn’t so perfect anymore

You decided I was damaged and couldn’t be saved
When all that was needed was careful cutting
Precision with a blade
To rid me of the bruise.


I’m still the same apple
The same apple that appeared perfect
But was bruised on the inside

I’ve been bruised this whole time inside
But you didn't know
The only difference is that you know

You threw me away
Abandoned
Left to the mercy of a trash can
Unwanted
And Unloved

You make me feel like damaged goods.

A bruised apple.

Do you remember your first love?
The one person that you gave your everything to.
You give them your heart, body, soul and spirit.
You would give up everything and anything for them.
You eagerly give your whole heart to them because you've never felt the pain.
You’ve never worn the pain of a heartbreak.

It's your first love.
There won't be others.
Your love is your one and only for the rest of your life...until they aren’t.
One day they die, you break up, something goes wrong and you eventually find a way to move on, some way or another.

You find your next love but you're cautious with this one.
You withhold the sweet nectar of your love.
You keep your heart close and give them piece by piece so they can piece your heart together like a puzzle, but you never give them the last piece to finish the puzzle, the torn piece.
You try to love them as you once loved before but deep down the never mending tear in your heart won't allow it.

You're no longer able to carelessly give your heart out for you've felt the pain of heartache.
You're no longer able to love as you did, for you’ve worn the pain of a heartbreak.
Love is reckless before you know any better.
Love is bliss when you’re naive.

“You’re my world”
“I love you”
“You’re my reason for living”

Tears stream down my cheeks and fall from my chin as I read texts sent to me from another girl
Texts...from you.
Texts that I’ve read before because they were mine...ours.

No, they’re not our texts
They arent between me and you.
They’re between you and her.

Words and phrases that I thought were only said to each-other
Words and phrases that no longer held any meaning
Words and phrases that were all filled with lies

I read the texts over and over
Trying to find proof that these couldn’t possibly be from you to her
Deep down knowing that I’m being foolish and that these are indeed from you to her.

Did you mean all the phrases and words?
Or were they just that?
Phrases and words that held no real meaning.

I wonder how many times you said it to her while you were saying it to me?
I wonder how many times I crossed your mind while you were in the act of betraying me.
I wonder how many times you said it without meaning it....or wait, would it be easier to count the times you DID mean it?

Tear-drop by tear-drop
Phrase by phrase
Heartbreak by heartbreak

“You’re my world”
Just a phrase

“I love you”
Just a few words pieced together for destruction.

“You’re my reason for living”
Yet another phrase.

As I close my eyes
I see your love

A far away island
Just a simple memory

The exotic flowers
The intoxicating smells

The kisses the sun gives me every morning
The warmth and the light it shines into my life

The cool ocean surrounding me, my past, present and future
The gifts the ocean washes in every day surprise me

The protection of the trees
The sweet honey of the bees

The soft sand padding any falls
The rough grains softening any rough edges I may have

The love, protection, warmth
The island providing me with everything I may need

Your Love is Like an Island.
Keeping me afloat when I was as lost as can be.

To the boy who isn’t welcome:

We talked about a future
We talked about a plan
We talked about how you could be my man

We talked from month to month
Week to week
Day to day

We talked for hours on end
And then you stopped
I was filled with worry
Regret
Frustration
And anger
Finally all I felt was pathetic

I never got a text first
I never got a call
I never got an apology
Now thinking about it
I never got anything at all

I felt accomplished when you did text me back

Goodbye to all the feelings
Goodbye to all the plans
Goodbye to all the “mornings”
Goodbye, goodbye forever
I never needed you
And you're never welcomed back

Love isn't black and white.
It's all the colors of the rainbow.

Love isn't coloring inside the lines.
Its overlapping and adding your own touch.

Love isn't the house on the corner with the white picket fence.
Love is the house in the middle of the street with overgrown grass.

Love isn't a perfect trimmed bush.
Love is a colorful autumn tree shedding its leaves.

Love isn't male and female.
Love is transgender, genderfluid and cisgender.

Love is difficult.
Love is tragically beautiful.

There was once a boat filled with people
It hit an iceberg and sunk
Many people died but there were two survivors
Each a stranger to the other
But neither a stranger to the pain

They found each other after the trauma
Each trembling and filled with pain
Both had gone through something different
But both had gone through something painful

They held onto each other for dear life
They swapped war scars and stories
They were so different
Yet they were so alike.

They weathered storms together
They clung to each other
They needed each other
They were no longer strangers

They became lovers, perfect lovers in the sea
They enjoyed the peaceful waves and the sunny days together
They were each others hope
Promising to never go astray

Until one night they both fell asleep
For they had gotten tired
They let go
They drifted apart

When they woke they were scared
For they had lost their love
They had lost their hope
They began to swim in look for their lover

Hours passed
Hours turned into days
Days turned into weeks
They began to lose hope.

Each believing the other had stopped searching the ocean
But never stopping to rest
For this was the Earth's test
They did not rest until they were together again.

The ocean filled with the love of two people
No longer strangers but lovers
Together again for their love is stronger than any force on earth.
Even an iceberg.

“You don't really know me”

A flash of pain surges through my heart and overcomes my body.
My mind a mess of thoughts, questions, and fears.
There’s ringing in my ears
My breath’s caught up in my throat
The ocean floods my eyes
My chest tightens and a dagger shoots through my ribcage
My stomach transforms into a deep pit of never ending pain
My knees buckle together
My legs shake violently threatening to collapse at any moment
The world begins to crumble around me
My heart is the epicenter where the words did the most damage.

He came out of nowhere, I never even saw it coming.
The smile he wore seemed so genuine
No matter how much i resisted
how much i distanced myself
I found myself being pulled in.

every word he spoke
Every text he sent
Every call we had
Everything seemed perfect.
It was as if an angel had fallen from the sky and right into my lap

I was weary of this gorgeous stranger
My heart had been shattered too many times
I’ve been left to pick up the pieces all on my own
Only to let, yet another shatter my fragile heart.

I kept my wall up and my guards on high alert
With every word, he chipped at the wall I had built so high
With every smile, my guard was lowered bit by bit
Until finally, I let my guard down
I tore down what was remaining of my wall.
All so that he could love my broken shards back to one.

I let myself get attached to him
I let him hold the shards of my fragile heart in his hands
I let him know my pain, my laughter and my love.

The moment he knew I had fallen for him, a gorgeous stanger.
He ran, leaving my fragile heart to shatter once again.
Leaving the wall I had built so carefully tarnished in the rubble.

Just as quickly and mysterious as he had arrived, was just how quick and mysterious he had left.

From the moment we met
I fell for you
Your intriguing looks
And personality too

From the way of your talk
To the bounce in your walk

From the smile you flaunted
You were the boy I wanted

Never realizing you were an intrusion
Waking up one day and realizing
It was all an illusion

Sometimes I just want to cry but I can't find the tears for it.
They’re somewhere hidden deep inside me.

I have a million and two reasons as to why I could cry
Why I should cry
But I find that I have zero tears willing to get spent for those reasons.
Not one tear finds any of the million and two reasons enough to slip out into my moonlit bedroom and down my cheek.

Until one day all the tears decide at once they want to pay me a little visit.
One tear comes trailing down my cheek
Making a path for the next
Until all tears have made separate paths down my face
Making their own destiny
each come raining down for a reason of their own
After all, they have a million and 2 reasons to pick from.

Sometimes I don't want to cry
The tears can’t help showing themselves at times like these
Times when they’re not wanted
Drowning in a pool caused by a million and two reasons.

There you were, looking at me with those piercing, icy blue eyes
It felt as though the moment when our eyes connected
our souls became intertwined

There was an instant connection between us.
you flashed a smile and i felt a spark in my heart
Each word that left your mouth was ember

Your laugh and voice was kindling
You added more and more ember just as you added more kindling
And soon a flame began burning in my heart

It began small
just a simple flame
the size of a rose bud

But as time passed
You fed the fire
And the passion and desire grew

It got bigger
It grew and burned
Until it was a fire burning deep

A fire full of passion and desire
Melting away the walls i had built to protect myself
I didn’t need protection from walls anymore

I have my own prince charming protecting me.

With you, I'm filled with these feelings I've never had before
I have these feelings I don’t understand
Feelings I’ve yet to understand

I get an overwhelming urge to drop whatever I'm doing
Whenever I'm doing it and just run to you
Wrap myself around you and never let go

I get a warm feeling in my heart
I feel protected even when you’re not here

I feel you in everywhere I go
I see you in every move I make
I see you in the smallest of details
Anything reminds me of you
From a flake of snow in a movie to a news article

I can never get you out of my mind
Your a ray of sunshine that is always casting its light wherever I go

I feel giddy with the thought of your smile
My heart swells at the thought of you
My breath catches in my throat
My lips curve upwards with no warning

My mind is instantly filled with millions of memories
Flooded with the smallest moments

I have every little part of you memorized by heart
From the dimple on your chin
To the way you furrow your eyebrows whenever you’re thinking too hard

I fall harder for you every second you’re not here
Every moment you’re not with me.

The crinkles that form around your eyes
The twinkle in your eyes
The way you shut your eyes when you’re doubled up in laughter

Your contagious smile slowly spreading across your lips
Lighting up the whole room
Lighting up your face
Lighting up my heart

The way you put your hands around your face when you’re laughing
Playing your laugh like a tune
Wishing I could keep it on replay like my favorite song

My heart speeds up when I see you laugh or smile
The world slows down
Time freezes

When I hear your cute laugh I can’t help but to laugh with you
In that moment I’m at my happiest
Giggling and not caring how I look

I’m comfortable around you
I’m safe with you
I’m in love with you.

“Make a wish”
I shut my eyes and think.
My breathing quickens
My heart-beat picks up
My mind dart’s all around
racing the clock to find the perfect wish before the clock strikes 11:12
What do I want?
What do I wish while I lay awake late at night
When I’m thinking of you
When I’m going over our conversations in my head
Repeating the words you spoke to me under my breath
Thoughts of moments together playing in my mind
All the feelings that envelop me when I’m with you begin to bubble up
20 seconds left to make a wish
The clock seems to be going at 100 miles per hour
The seconds slip fast
My mind races against time
I feel the absence of your presence
I hear the silence
The absence of your breathing
The thought gives me goosebumps, and it runs all along my body.
Everything we’ve gone through
Everything we are
And everything we will be
You and me
5 seconds on the clock
My mind spirals then stops
My mind rests on one thing
Suddenly it’s so obvious
Him.
I let the words escape my lips where they have been imprisoned
Trying to escape at any chance they had
At any chance I’d given them
But never speaking the words out loud
“I wish for him to be mine”
Tick-Tock
The clock chimes.
The words are out in the open and they cannot be taken back.

My mom is the strongest woman I know
She walks with the confidence of a thousand warriors.
She fights my battles even when im too weak to keep fighting.

My mom is the bravest woman I know
She fights and no matter what she never gives up
She protects us and she keeps us safe no matter what she has to face.

My mom is the sweetest woman I know
She teaches us to be kind in the smallest of her actions
She comforts us even when she needs comfort

My mom is the most selfless woman I know
She put our needs in front of hers no matter the circumstances.
She wipes our tears even when her cheeks are stained with tears.

My mom is the most forgiving woman I know
She knows when to forgive and when not to.
She forgives us even when we don’t deserve her forgiveness.

My mom is the most accepting woman I know
She accepts that life wont always be fair and she takes it in her strive.
She accepts who I am no matter how different or difficult I turn out to be.

My mom is the most loving woman I know
She heals us with her love and keeps our hearts whole.
She has the biggest heart of any woman I know.

My mom is the most beautiful woman I know
She is not only the most gorgeous woman I have ever laid eyes upon
she has the most beautiful soul any human has ever beared.

My mom is my hero.

He made me feel everything
He made me fall into a trance

He made me want to stay up every second of every day as to not lose a single second of time with him

He made me smile and blush in the morning as soon as I checked my phone
He sent me paragraphs everyday without fail

He made me fall in love with his every move
He made me fall in love with his every word
He made me fall in love with his every breath

I fell in love with the way he made me giggle
I fell in love with the way my name rolled off his tongue
I fell in love with every single smile he flashed my way

Every time my phone buzzed, my heart leapt
Every time i saw his name on my screen my heart skipped a beat
Every time we talked, i fell deeper in love with him.

All so suddenly and without warning I had let him in
I had let him see things that I had hidden away from the world.
I had let myself feel things, things that I swore off from ever feeling again

Feelings that i thought would never make an appearance inside of me, ever again.
I had let myself fall in the deepest trance known to man.
The trance of love.