The crinkles that form around your eyes
The twinkle in your eyes
The way you shut your eyes when you’re doubled up in laughter

Your contagious smile slowly spreading across your lips
Lighting up the whole room
Lighting up your face
Lighting up my heart

The way you put your hands around your face when you’re laughing
Playing your laugh like a tune
Wishing I could keep it on replay like my favorite song

My heart speeds up when I see you laugh or smile
The world slows down
Time freezes

When I hear your cute laugh I can’t help but to laugh with you
In that moment I’m at my happiest
Giggling and not caring how I look

I’m comfortable around you
I’m safe with you
I’m in love with you.

“Make a wish”
I shut my eyes and think.
My breathing quickens
My heart-beat picks up
My mind dart’s all around
racing the clock to find the perfect wish before the clock strikes 11:12
What do I want?
What do I wish while I lay awake late at night
When I’m thinking of you
When I’m going over our conversations in my head
Repeating the words you spoke to me under my breath
Thoughts of moments together playing in my mind
All the feelings that envelop me when I’m with you begin to bubble up
20 seconds left to make a wish
The clock seems to be going at 100 miles per hour
The seconds slip fast
My mind races against time
I feel the absence of your presence
I hear the silence
The absence of your breathing
The thought gives me goosebumps, and it runs all along my body.
Everything we’ve gone through
Everything we are
And everything we will be
You and me
5 seconds on the clock
My mind spirals then stops
My mind rests on one thing
Suddenly it’s so obvious
Him.
I let the words escape my lips where they have been imprisoned
Trying to escape at any chance they had
At any chance I’d given them
But never speaking the words out loud
“I wish for him to be mine”
Tick-Tock
The clock chimes.
The words are out in the open and they cannot be taken back.

With you, I'm filled with these feelings I've never had before
I have these feelings I don’t understand
Feelings I’ve yet to understand

I get an overwhelming urge to drop whatever I'm doing
Whenever I'm doing it and just run to you
Wrap myself around you and never let go

I get a warm feeling in my heart
I feel protected even when you’re not here

I feel you in everywhere I go
I see you in every move I make
I see you in the smallest of details
Anything reminds me of you
From a flake of snow in a movie to a news article

I can never get you out of my mind
Your a ray of sunshine that is always casting its light wherever I go

I feel giddy with the thought of your smile
My heart swells at the thought of you
My breath catches in my throat
My lips curve upwards with no warning

My mind is instantly filled with millions of memories
Flooded with the smallest moments

I have every little part of you memorized by heart
From the dimple on your chin
To the way you furrow your eyebrows whenever you’re thinking too hard

I fall harder for you every second you’re not here
Every moment you’re not with me.

What will we be like in 10 years?
Who will we love?

In 10 years I want to be something to you
I want to be the thought that never leaves your mind
I want to be inseparable.

In 10 years I want to wake up with your hands wrapped around me like a big everlasting cuddle
I want the last thing I see before I go to sleep to be your soft, loving eyes peering into mine
I want the last thing I hear to be your heartbeat and breathing as I lay my head on your chest.

In 10 years I want to wake up to the sight of your messy hair
I want to wake up with your scent dancing in my nose
I want to feel your safe presence next to me.

In 10 years I want to feel your fingers intertwined with mine
I want my limbs to be tangled with yours
I want to not know where my legs end and where yours begin.

In 10 years I want to be close to you
I want to be your other half
I want to be so close to you that close is never enough.

In 10 years I want to be your best friend
I want to be the person you tell everything to
I want to be your secret keeper,

In 10 years I want to be walking down the street with my hand held in yours.
I want to be wearing a symbol of our love and loyalty to each other on my finger
I want to proudly flaunt our last name wherever I go.

In 10 years I want every morning to start off with a kiss
I want every night to end in a kiss
I want to find my lips pressed up against yours at random moments in the day.

In 10 years I want you next to me
I need your hugs, your cuddles, and your kisses.
I want your love.

In 10 years I want you to be mine and us to be one.

Tick-Tock
Tick-Tock
Tick-Tock*

Waiting.
The clock is ticking
The time is passing

Seconds pass by lazily
Minutes pour out as mercilessly as molasses
Hours turn into days

The sun takes a week to set
The moon takes a month to come up
The sun takes a year to rise

The feeling growing
The feeling bubbling inside
Threatening to over-spill

Blinking takes a minute
Breathing takes an hour
A single heart-beat takes a day

It’s all worth it in the end
Because time stands still
When I’m with you

The word escapes from his mouth
It pours into my ear
“Princess”

My whole body gets affected
From head to toe
My body reacts with that one word
“Princess”

My eyes close
My cheeks flush red
My lips curl into a goofy smile

My jaw clenches
My throat tightens
My hands cover my face

My lungs **** in air
My heart skips a beat
My stomach flutters

My knees go weak
My legs cross
My feet want to run into his arms

I’m sitting in my car, hugging my knees to my chest muffling my cries
My parents look at me through the rear-view mirror with worry in their eyes and in unison say
“It’s not your fault”

I’m sitting in a tight room, on a small chair, in the interrogation room
The first thing that comes out of the officer’s mouth is
“It’s not your fault”

I’m standing at the bottom of my stairs with tears streaming down my eyes
In front of me is my mom, she’s consoling me and she says
“It’s not your fault”

I’m struggling to keep myself standing wrapped in a pair of arms, sobs escaping my mouth
Hugging me is my dad and he’s repeating the phrase over and over
“It’s not your fault”

I’m telling my story, my typing is slow and my hands shaky, tears are flowing down my cheeks
Jonathan texts back his support and the first thing I read is
“It’s not your fault”

I’m sitting on a couch, I’m shaking and repeating the story holding back tears
My new counselor looks at me and says the infamous phrase
“It’s not your fault”

I lay in bed, lights off, blankets on, tears streaming down my cheeks
I can’t get all the people out of my head, the memories of what happened, the phrase is stuck on replay in my mind
“It’s not your fault” “It’s not your fault” “It’s not your fault”

I repeat the phrase over and over
Under my breath and into the night where the only person who can hear is me
“It’s not your fault”

It’s not my fault and it never was.
How can it be my fault when an adult took away my childhood?
How can it be my fault when I was in fear and embarrassment?

Most Importantly
How can the people who are supposed to be there for you think it’s your fault?
How can your family disown you when it’s not your fault?

I’m not going to apologize for trying to protect myself and everyone else he’s done it to.
I will be the voice for everyone and anyone who is or has been afraid to speak up about it.
Because It’s not your fault.

Sheyla Donatt